So here we go again! Kanda this time... poor love he's so confused and you know what a confused Kanda looks like? Very very dangerous! (and yes very very hot too :D )
I'm sure you'll love this chapter... feel free to share some love by reviewing ;)
It's a warm and sunny morning, birds happily chirping on the balconies, the usually gloomy corridors full of bright pools of light, the sun shining strong inside the Black Tower. The first day of spring has blossomed in all its glory, pink cherry flowers dancing in the warm air, and laughs can be heard in the staircase and around the corners.
The cafeteria looks like a party hall, happy faces and wild grins on everyone's faces. Jerry merrily offers fresh fruit juices and ice cream that he has made, brightened up by the good weather while Lavi, more hyper than usual, jumps from one table to another, patting his friends' backs and telling one joke after the other, contributing to the happy mood of the morning.
Suddenly though, a dark, gloomy aura penetrates the cafeteria, as if a small storm has managed to survive the end of winter, blowing cold winds that make people stop smiling and shiver, gulping down their breakfasts to get away from the approaching ice storm. The delicate petals brought in by the breeze wither away in an instant dropping on the floor, some dry, some frozen, while a high pitch screech comes from a distance like in some bad horror movie.
And who is the person surrounded by this ominous feeling? Who is the exorcist who, annoyed by the happy mood of the people around him, slowly but fiercely walks straight to Jerry and commands: "Soba. Tempura. Now."?
Exactly.
Yuu Kanda.
In an extremely bad mood, far worse than his usual morning anger.
Silence befalls on the dining hall, people quickly finishing up their meal or sliding away silently still munching their last mouthful of food. Even Lavi, who for a second has thought of cheering his Yuu-chan up with a morning hug, decides it is best to go visit Panda and do some work... yeah... the library doesn't seem that bad, compared to Kanda's bitter mood.
Kanda has his reasons for being this angry though, since after his encounter with Allen in the toilets he didn't manage to get a good sleep for rest of the night. And this annoys him beyond logic. He bets Allen has fallen asleep right after going back to his room, but he hasn't.
It took him a while to go back to his room, his mind was clouded by too many thoughts and he very slowly walked back thinking, the idea of shutting himself in his stuffy room not that tempting.
He was confused. And that made him angrier with himself because he is never confused, he is always dead honest with himself and thanks to this he always knows what his opinion is about any topic. But not last night.
A couple of things have happened that he can't explain, and the fact that they involve that idiot Moyashi is blinding his judgement and making it more difficult to think straight. It would be easier to just forget about it all, but Kanda doesn't like to fool himself... well... at least not anymore, not after Spain.
"Tch"
So he recaps:
"First of all that waste of a human has had the guts of getting close to me in a moment of weakness to help me (help. me!!), instead of disappearing from the toilets, but what's worse is that I have let him!! Well yeah I was vomiting my guts out so I was quite busy with myself, but still, I haven't shoved the Moyashi away even when he pulled me up and instead I have felt... better... at his ... support and... touch?"
A light surprised shiver runs under his skin at the memory of Allen's naked chest against his... and a not-at-all-painful sensation squeezes his heart and abdomen at the idea of being so close to the boy's body.
This last thought freaks him out.
It's only his discipline that refrains him from screaming out loud but he does claw down on the wooden post of the kitchen. Jerry's arm shakily stretches from the darkness to silently put Kanda's order on the counter, hoping to be ignored by the boy's killer eyes, but then he curiously peeks from his hiding spot since Kanda is iced to the floor and doesn't even see the plate ready for him. Strange, strange Kanda this morning!
"A-hem! Breakfast's ready!" he shakingly says and hides.
Kanda's eyes twitch and look startled... Oh God Kanda is never startled, he can always see everything and anything coming!
Jerry faints fearing the end of the world is approaching as Kanda swipes his tray from the kitchen counter and stomps to the nearest empty table. Well, the ones close to him were all empty by now anyway.
And as he eats he keeps recalling:
.You think I haven't noticed? Ever since our last mission you've been acting strange.
"Only you noticed uh? Well duh anyway... would you be fine after having your first breakdown ever?
...Or whatever Lavi would call that moment on the roof...
It's just... I was such an asshole... how could I even think that taking the war lightly wasn't going to have consequences? However I couldn't keep fighting otherwise, I had to force myself somehow, I just had to.
But I can't keep fighting now either... at least not in the same way I used to.
I... I'm not perfect... I've made mistakes... what if I make more mistakes again? What if to die for my mistake is one of us instead of some unknown kid? Oh yes people die in wars... but not for my mistakes. I save people, I don't let them die!
...What if Moyashi dies because I'm not able to protect him?..."
This last sentence floats uncalled for in his mind and he almost chokes on his breakfast.
"Oh what the fuck now? What the hell is going on?
I sound like a hysterical cry baby and I worry about that idiot? Get a hold on yourself Yuu Kanda!"
And he slaps his forehead with a growl... People look scared: Kanda is hitting himself... run for your life!
"It's... I... fuck it's the first time I'm in such a messed up state. I don't even know what to think. It's not like I can go up to Komui and say "Oi I'm fucking confused don't think I am much of a reliable exorcist right now, give me a holiday break."
Even the beansprout knows they wouldn't let me off the hook easily and would keep asking questions and feel worried.
Tiedoll would cry his heart out... tch... damn softy. Marie... I can't tell him this... he wouldn't trust me with his life anymore... fuck... no one would trust me with their life anymore if I told them this!
Yeah, no one would trust me."
.come talk to me if and when you feel like it, you can trust me.
"Tch as if I'd ever talk about this with Moyashi! He may have said some right things yesterday but this doesn't mean I'm so desperate I'll open up to him!
I guess I'll have to keep my mouth shut around the others and deal with this my own way."
And off he goes... in denial of needing to open up to Allen, once again fooling himself… he'll clear his mind in the only way he knows: exercising until fainting from fatigue.
.
.
At least this was his plan. But he just can't concentrate, Allen's words resound from nowhere in his mind annoying like bees in an ear while all he wants to do is concentrate on his breathing.
breath in
breath out
breath in
.I know how it feels to always lie.
breath out
breath in
.I could so easily see you were strange.
breath out
He shakes his head growling.
breath in
.you need to tell them everything... expose yourself.
breath out
.they will never look at you again with the same eyes.
breath in
.come talk to me.
brea....you can trust me.
th out .I know how it feels.
.you can trust me.
.come talk to…
"AAARGH!! DAMN MOYASHI!! We'll see now if you can live up to your words!!"
And with this he storms out of the training grounds with all the intentions of killing Allen of a horrible death if he can't do what he has boasted the night before.
Oh yes Kanda... you ARE desperate enough to go talk to Allen :D
Next chapter... well... you'll understand why I'm rating this fic M ;)
And! Freaked out Allen comes back!
I know you'll love it... now off to review!