"I can't believe Kaidan's gone, how could we have just left him down there! It should have been me Commander! He was a superior officer!"
The Gunnery Chief was pelting John with objections. He had to choose who to save, only having time to get to one. Yes Kaidan was the superior officer, but Ashley was accompanying an entire squad from STG. As much as he hated that he used simple mathematics to decide the fate of human lives, it seemed like the only choice he could make. John sat in the round debriefing room, letting his gaze fall on each member of his squad. Ashley just about hated him in this moment, so wracked with guilt over being chosen to live. The rest of the team were aliens. He had no clue how to read the expression of the avian-like Garrus or the brutish Wrex. Tali's face was hidden behind a mask and Liara's face, the only one remotely similar to a human's was so filled with pity that the commander couldn't let his eyes go anywhere near her for long. He knew that a commanding officer shouldn't look for validation from his subordinates, but damn if he didn't need that right now. Kaidan was a friend. And he chose to let him die. John only hoped the team didn't begin to ask themselves how long before he let them die too.
"We're returning to the Citadel for repairs and resupply," He didn't know how to debrief after a mission like that so he hoped turning attention to a bit of rest and recovery would suffice, "Joker says we'll arrive in 18 hours. Everyone is allowed 48 hours of shore leave." He didn't look towards Ashley but could feel her eyes drilling into him with misdirected anger. "Crew dismissed". Shepard left for his quarters before any objections could be made.
As soon as the latch shut behind him, he silenced his alarms so he wouldn't receive any calls. He had lost men before, marines die all the time, but he had never explicitly chosen who would live and die. The enemy usually does that. His job is to kill the enemy first. That old feeling of inadequacy began to take over, Shepard's oldest enemy. Commanders are supposed to act as Executive Officers at best, he wasn't supposed to be captain of an entire ship. The Alliance had originally chose Captain Anderson for this vessel, for crying out loud! That man had more medals than half the Alliance Navy combined! Shepard was undertrained, under experienced, and in times like this he wondered if he even had the emotional stability for captaining a starship.
Shepard replayed the events in his head. Could I have done anything differently? Was I right to split up the team? Did anyone see me crack? It always came back to that. John hated the selfishness of it, but if there's one thing that could make this worse was if the crew saw how fragile he actually felt. He needed this break. He needed time on the citadel without being shot at. He was on such a high at being appointed a Spectre and given command that he had been going nonstop for months. Every little signal that came across the Normandy's systems, and John was personally leading a team to investigate. He needed a break. He had to do better.
A knock came on the door. No one knocked anymore, but since john had silenced his alarms that was the only way to get his attention without sending a message marked as urgent. He pushed himself up, feeling heavy now that the battle had been over for a few hours and exhaustion was setting in, and opened the door. Standing there was the squad's youngest member, the naïve Quarian, Tali. She fidgeted her small, three fingered hands as she spoke. "I saw you were sad, I mean not sad because I'm sure you've dealt with this before, but upset, or maybe I meant to say that I assumed you would be upset because I know you don't want to show…"
"Tali. Slow down, what can I do for you?" John couldn't help but smile at the little Quarian. He had seen her ramble like that before, a nervous habit she had whenever she felt uncomfortable. Often times he noticed it when he saw her talking to Wrex.
"I brought you this. I've seen you using it and thought you like it now." She stretched out her hand and let John's beaded Rosary hang from each side. John couldn't stop the tears falling from his face. Tali was kind enough to look away.