Author's Note: Okay, now we get into the story proper, with the last three chapters serving as sort of an elongated prologue.

Enjoy.

Chapter 04: Of Mary Sues and the Birds and the Bees

"Delete my masterpiece will you," the Author glared at his PC. "Fine . . ." he hissed, his lips curling. "Go ahead, I can rewrite it—in fact, I'll make it better! I shall write the most reviewed story this site has ever seen!" he declared, sitting in his chair, cracking his knuckles, and laying his fingers upon the keys

With great resolution, he placed the cursor of his mouse of over the document labeled "!" and opened it—ready to begin anew.

He stopped and stared in wilderment. "What the fuck!" he swore in bafflement.

Fourth Wall

{Naruto awoke excitted four this day! For today was the his very first stepp to becuming Hokage! Yes! he was entering the Academy today!}

"Like hell I am," Naruto grumbled, hearing a mechanical voice in his head. He frowned; some of those words didn't sound exactly right, like some of the words were mispronounced. "Wonderful, he grumbled—my fate is being controlled by an illiterate," he grumbled, getting out of bed—only to fall flat upon his face as severely misjudged the height.

Laying upon the floor of his apartment, Naruto thought dark thoughts of murder and revenge, and contemplated how one goes about killing a false god. Perhaps he could learn how to summon the Shinigami? Would that work?

He looked at his hands—far too small to belong to a teenager of sixteen years. Knowing it was true, but hoping—praying to the false god whom he knew for a fact was an uncaring, idiot bastard—that, by some chance, it would not, he moved to the closet mirror in his apartment.

He stared at the reflection of his ten-year old self. "I am going to find some way to make him suffer I swear!" Naruto vowed to himself. "I don't know how—but the false god will indeed suffer greatly by my hands."

Oh, boo hoo! the fox sneered from within his mind. I've turned back into a prepubescent little brat! Woe is me!she mocked him.

"I would appreciate some support in this situation," Naruto groused, glaring at the counter that he now could no longer see above. "You've been dragged along on this merry little trip back through time, as well, you know."

Yes, but it doesn't concern me, now does it, Naruto-kin! the fox cooed. Aww! Is the widdle boy going to cry? Does he need a hug from his favorite demon fox? she mocked.

Naruto thought several unflattering things about where she could take her hugs and put them.

I am still unfamiliar with human anatomy, the woman reminded him, looking down at her arms and rotating them about at her shoulders. Is that possible for humans? she asked, curiosity winning over her as she tried to bend her spine in an attempt to move her arms in the manner he described, so as to hug her posterior.

Naruto slapped a hand against his face—or tried to, instead meeting with an obstruction. Groping at the obstacle, he ripped it off his head and stared at it in confusion. "I forgot I wore these," he mumbled, looking at the pair of goggles that he had not seen in years.

"Okay," he decided, "I'm going to the library," he decided, heading towards the door.

I thought you had to be at the academy? the fox asked.

"I told you: no way in Hell I am going to listen to some two-bit hack job of a god on how to live my life!" he reminded her, slamming the door shut behind him.

Fourth Wall

The Author, happy with the paragraphs that he had written, was busily making himself an ice cream sundae, having dropped his sandwich on the floor for far past the five-second rule. He was quite pleased with what he had written so far, and he couldn't wait for the reviews of love and adoration to pour in from his loyal fans on how awesome the love interest he had created for Naruto was!

Yes, he thought to himself as placed a cherry atop a mountain of whip cream, this story was going to be much better than his old one—he could just tell.

Fourth Wall

Naruto walked through the streets of Konoha, his fists shoved into his coat, a bit disturbed by the people around him. The hateful glares of the villagers had decreased when he had graduated, and it was even more compounded by the fact that all these hateful individuals were now giants compared to him.

Gritting his teeth, Naruto continued towards his destination.

"HELLO GOOD PEOPLE OF KONOHA!" a piercing voice shrieked, and Naruto stopped in his track, cringing at the sound. He searched for the person who dared to defile his eardrums in such a manner, and promptly wished he hadn't when he found said person.

"MY NAME IS SHADOW-RAVEN NINJA McBADASS BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME MARIE-SU! AND I AM LOOKING FOR A FRIEND!" a young girl spoke—Naruto thought at first that she was screeching, but concluded that, that was her normal voice. She had long black hair with blue and red stripes running through it, and her eyes seemed to be completely white with what appeared to be a perverted version of the Sharingan on them. She wore a blinding Technicolor robe that made Naruto want to stab his eyes out—and his favorite color was bright orange!

I a sane world, Naruto would have been convinced that the girl's existence was proof that God did not exist; but sadly, he knew that the opposite held true in this reality that was quickly becoming his own personal Hell. There was no doubt in his mind that this young woman was an excrement that had seeped out of the False God's demented brain.

And he would have no part of it.

Stepping into an alley, Naruto held his breath as he watched the abomination pass; she was twirling . . . something . . .. The weapon she held might have been a nunchaku, but at one end was a katana with a seven-foot blade, and at the other end was a scythe with a five-foot curved crimson blade.

Naruto found himself hoping that she cut herself in two, as all laws of physics said she should have, twirling such a weapon about as she was. Unfortunately, it seems that the laws of physics had forsaken, along with common sense.

Now that's not very nice, brat, the fox snickered. She wants to be your friend!

"You will shut your filthy mouth, or I will find a way to shut it for you!" Naruto demanded in the most silent of whispers, daring not draw the attention from the she-fiend of many colors.

"I AM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS LONELY LIKE I AM—PREFERABLY WIHT BLOND HARE! SURELY WE WILL FORGE A DEEP LASTING FRIENDSHIP THAT DEFIES EVEN DEAF ITSELF AND OUR LOVE WILL BE LEGENDERY AND OUR CHILDREN WILL BE LOVED AMONG ALL THE NATIONS!" Miss Raven Ninja McBadass spoke to the streets, her words strangely slurred and possessing a lisp at times.

Naruto ran from the alley as quietly as could, contemplating the benefits of becoming an eunuch.

Fourth Wall

"Brain freeze!" the Author yelled to the air, pounding the table with his fist as his head offered only ice-cream induced agony.

Fourth Wall

Naruto arrived at the library, though not quite shore how he had gotten there—or why he was clad only in his boxers.

You abandoned those orange eyesores you called clothing about halfway. You were in blind panic at the time; you thought that the Su chick would spot your clothing and follow you, the fox helpfully informed the half-naked ninja that wasn't quite a ninja yet.

Naruto felt a profound wave of relief wash over him. "Thank Kyuubi!" he breathed out; he had feared that the obnoxious child (hereby thought of as "OC" for short) had gotten a hold of and done unthinkable things to him.

Why the hell are you thanking me? the fox demanded, genuinely bewildered at the thanks.

"I refuse to thank the False God," Naruto said. "And you're the only other god-like being that I know of—well, besides the Shinigami, I guess," he said with a shrug; he did not want to be calling attention from the god of death.

Have you forgotten that I want to kill you and everyone that you love? the woman in his head reminded him.

"Exactly," Naruto nodded. "I know where I stand you! You just to kill me in a horrible and gruesome manner," he said with a smile, crossing his arms over his chest. "The False God, on the other hand, seems to have made it his goal in life to make mine a living hell."

The woman in the seal was silent as she tried to wrap her mind around this strange logic that she had just been presented.

"Although," Naruto mused, looking down at his nearly nude form and frowning, "this does make it really awkward to look up what I came for," he said with a sigh, but nonetheless headed out among the rows of books.

And that would be? the Nine-Tails asked, but Naruto did not answer her and instead browsed the scrolls. Finding the correct section, he looked at what titles he could find from his diminished stature, and then went off to find a ladder, grumbling. When he returned, his glaze slid over the titles on the higher shelves.

"Everybody Poops . . . Where do Babies Come From? . . . I Stick my What Where!" he browsed the titles, then let out an exclamation of triumph, grabbling a book and hopping off the ladder. He then ran into a shadowed corner that nonetheless offered enough light to read by.

"Now, then fox, pay close attention, because this is the only time I am going to do this, got it!" he demanded, and opened the book entitled "Puberty and You."

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The Almighty Author returned from his frozen treat, quite pleased with his ice cream. Still enjoying his post-ice cream bliss, he sat down once more and prepared himself to resume typing. Then his smile disappeared.

"I didn't type this!" the Author raged. "Where are Naruto and Raven's meeting and instant declarations of love!" he complained, scanning the text that had appeared in his story. "Bob!" he yelled at his younger sibling, getting out of his chair to hunt the younger boy down and exact his revenge. "What have I told you about touching my computer!"

Fourth Wall

Naruto was now feeling slightly ill, having learned in-depth more about woman than he had ever cared to know.

So that's what these things are for, the Nine-Tails wondered, grabbing at her breasts and squeezing them. She frowned at them and squeezed again. Nothing is coming out! she said. The book said that milk comes out.

Naruto swallowed his nausea, only able to guess what she was currently doing. "That only happens when you females get pregnant," he reminded her.

Ah yes! The Nine-Tails recalled, finally stopping the molestation of her chest. That's where a tiny version of you humans grows inside of the stomach, right? the woman asked, poking at own stomach.

"The uterus, actually," Naruto corrected, recalling the anatomical term he had just read.

And to get there, the thing that look likes a third leg but isn't, becomes hard and then you stick in the hole between my legs, right? the fox-turned-human seemed fascinated by the concept and was staring at the space between her own legs as if it offered all the secrets of the universe.

Naruto dearly wished she would stop using herself and he in reference to the examples, as he was getting really disturbing mental images of himself being squashed by a giant, horny fox.

Naruto felt a migraine coming on; this conversation was physically painful. "A p-penis," he stuttered, blushing madly. "It's not a leg—it's a penis!" he corrected her. How had this happened again, he wondered? Ah yes, he didn't want to have to explain the fox's new body to her, so he figured it would just be easier to have read a book on the subject.

Naruto then decided that he was a colossal dumbass of epic proportions.

Do not raise your voice to me, you brat! the woman roared, her attention finally taken from the orifice between her legs. Do not forget who you speak to!

Naruto and the fox where silent for a good while then; one wondering what deity he could thank for ending the conversation, and the other pouting—though she would never admit it.

What does it look like? the Nine-Tails asked; Naruto promptly withdrew his thanks from any potential deity and resolved that they were all bastards.

"What does what look like?" Naruto said in a longsuffering tone, hanging his head.

A penis, the Nine-Tails asked so casually that she caused the blonde to choke on his own spit. Hey! she realized, can I see yours? she asked.

This was not happening, Naruto thought to himself in sweet, comforting denial. "No you cannot!" Naruto yelled out, no longer caring about someone finding him half-naked and talking to himself in the library!

Why not! the newly human woman demanded. You're already half naked anyway!

"I am not showing you my package, you demented woman!" Naruto said. "There will be no negation!"

Fine! the demon hissed at him. Anyway, how does the baby get in the woman's stomach? it pressed on. Why wouldn't she shut up, Naruto wondered. Does it pass through the penis and into the stomach?

There was no verbal answer, only a dull thumping noise as Naruto hit himself over the head with the textbook on puberty in the hopes that he might get a concussion and not remember this conversation.

No, the fox was undeterred by his lack of answers, recalling what she had read. Something comes out of the penis and something with eggs . . . she contemplated, and then stopped. Wait! Does that mean I would lay an egg like a chicken? she asked.

"It's not that kind of egg," Naruto answered, mentally making a checklist of things he needed to buy soon: milk, instant ramen, a gallon of bleach, and Q-tips—oh so much bleach and Q-tips.

So how does it get out? Does it rip its way out through the stomach with its claws and fangs? the fox seemed excited at the prospect of such carnage.

"We don't have claws or fangs," Naruto reminded her in a dull tone—at this point, his soul had committed suicide to give his sanity some company in the afterlife.

When then how does it get out?

"Through the . . . the hole," Naruto stuttered.

What? But doesn't it get big in the stomach? the fox demanded.

"Yes . . ."

If Naruto imagined that the Nine-Tails was now staring between her legs in bafflement, he would be right. You can't mean to tell me it goes out through the hole! she demanded shrilly! I thought you and the book said that's how the baby got in.

"It's a round-way trip!" Naruto said, a rather impressive tic having developed in one of his eyes.

So the tiny human squeezes out through the hole no bigger than my fist? the fox demanded, and Naruto quite resolutely was not thinking about what she might be doing to her body at the moment.

That seems wildly inefficient! she declared, crossing her arms over her breasts.

Naruto said nothing—there was nothing more he could say in this conversation, really. Instead, he simply got up, replaced the text back in its place upon the shelf, and resolved to go find Kurenai to see if she could erase his memories somehow.

What's the hair between my legs for, then? the vixen asked, and Naruto decided that words had not yet been invented to describe how much he hated the Nine-Tailed Fox at that moment.

"Decoration!" Naruto spat sarcastically.

The demon fox was nodding her head to herself in satisfaction; that made sense, she thought.

Suddenly the thoughts of suicide he had been contemplating vanished when someone kicked the doors of the library open, and a dreaded voice filled the air.

"I AM LOOKING FOR A FREIND!"

Naruto began panicking, looking for a route to escape.

Will you show her your penis? the Nine-Tails asked in curiosity and with some hope, having not yet dropped the subject.