I know that there is a lot of rehashing from the first couple of chapters from 'Until the day I'm Forgiven' but I need to set up some background here. I will try to add something new here so that you won't be exactly re-reading this again.
And two chapters in a week! It must be Christmas
Answering reviews:
Bookloverinfinity from chapter 2: I almost feel sorry for the guy, he has to look after so many reapers, including Grell. It is a good thing that Gretel is planning dinner for the guy, he really needs his 'daughter'.
ZeAwsumOtaku from chapter 2: Thank you for your suggestions and your kindest of words, I will keep it in mind as I write after the vacation story.
His story
Before Junior High started, Gakushu spotted many difference of himself from other students around him. Because that he had to be number one in everything, academics or sports, he found it so alien when other praised their children for not getting 100 percent on their tests. For passing a test or subject.
"You can do better next time but good job son." One father commented on his son's test with a B grade.
"I'm so proud of you." A mother praised her child for getting an A- grade.
"You did your very best, I know that because you studied hard for that test." Another said when his child had gotten a C for their test.
These were some of the examples he heard from parents. If he gets one mark off from perfection, then he was to be subjected to ridicule by his father. And no matter how "perfect" he was, he would never be praised by that man.
He lost hope, he threw himself into the work just to get a hint of recognition but it never came. He decided to become number one for his father, but it never satisfied the young boy, as it was the weight he had to endure. He had to do best in cram school, volunteer work, town council meetings and outside classes from school. He was so tired, he worked late into the night, and he had the dark circles to prove it which he hidden away with make-up. If anyone noticed, nobody asked.
He envied the children his age, the children in his school, who hangs out with their friends without too much care in the world, while he was struck and enclosed in the four walls of his room, studying until his next class came. Like the words of that Prussian noble who died young at age 10, "This room is my world."
One day from his way to school, he spotted a family of three playing in the local park, what caught his attention was the little boy. When the boy, around the age of four fell down and scrapped his knee, he started to cry. His father and mother rushed in and comforted him, Gakushu envied that small boy when he was hugged by his father.
He created a mental image with him and his father doing the same as what he saw. But his father would had never done such a thing, Gakushu would never be comforted, but instead he was criticised for being so weak.
'What's it like to be hugged? To be comforted? To be loved unconditionally?' Gakushu continued his train of thought as he returned onto the path to his school.
'Why am I not allow that?' Gakushu sat at his desk as he tuned out of his teacher's lesson.
'Why do I have to be perfect?' Gakushu looked down at the test given back to the teacher, on the top corner was written in red, 100%. 'Why do I have to be number one? Why do I have to get 100% at everything?'
'Why…?' Gakushu remembered the words of the other parents and what they said to their children. Their words overlapped, it caused some discomfort for him, but he hid it well from his peers and teachers behind a mask.
'Why…?' Gakushu stared at the school mirror with a frown. His violet eyes dulled over, no longer was it bright with life, but sullen with grey and suddenly the mirror cracked.
'Why am I the only one that has to do this!?'
Eventually he snapped, such pressure would break a young child. He blankly stared down on his hand as it dripped out blood, he couldn't feel the pain nor could he cry anymore…
This conflicted the young boy, his teachers said that grades weren't everything while his father said the opposite. He was stuck on a pathway of two ideals and he didn't know what to choose, his father or himself. He wanted to escape from this confliction battling inside of him. However he knew that his father would never allow such a thing, it would mean that his son was weak.
So Gakushu instead hid behind a mask of formality, it was the norm for him, he never talked to anyone and especially his father of how he really felt. This feeling of his that was ripping him apart, and no-one noticed it. The world felt so colourless, so lifeless, and dull, as Gakushu could only now see greys.
Even at such a young age, he knew that his life ahead of him looked so bleak. His father was too strong! Gakushu could never escape from him, he was for certain, forever as a display doll to show off for his father, he would forever be in his shadow. To be dressed and made into his father's liking. He was facing a life-time of work and fake politeness, and all while feeling empting inside. He knew that this would continue on for the next phase of his education, one after the after.
The boy couldn't bare living such a meaningless life, one that was devoid of any joy or love. He couldn't bare living in a world that was colourless to him.
This feeling inside him continued to grow and he continued to hide it. He did what he was expected to do as his father wanted him, then the long school holidays came and Gakushu's ultimate plan will be soon completed.
And so on that path he walked, where he was stuck on the crossroad, he diverted away from his father and finally decided of what he wanted. He decided that he wanted to be selfish and he knew what he must to do.
Gakushu always loved nature, they never expected much of him or hold high expectations for him. Months before the holidays came, he planned to have a small camping trip in the forest alone. At the same time, his father would be out of the country for meetings concerned about his school. The strawberry blonde boy packed everything he needed and without a second thought from his father thankfully, he set off to the rural side of Japan.
On the way to the bus stop, he forged a medical note and went to a pharmacy far from his father's prying eyes. The pharmacy thought nothing of it, they merely thought that he was on an errand for his parents. Three bottles of sleeping pills were brought and Gakushu went to his final destination.
He took the bus, the morning became the afternoon as Gakushu eat his lunch. He watched the passing scenery without a care. He noticed that he could see the blue in the sky.
'So this was the feeling that the others were feeling…'
Gakushu arrived at a forest, somewhere generally unknown and it was perfect for him. As he walked deeper into the forest, he soon spotted the prefect spot to sit at. He felt no fear or apprehension, just a dull sense of relief that he would be leaving this meaningless life behind.
Who knows? Maybe he would have a better chance in the next life?
He held hope in his heart for that. He didn't care about anyone here in this world and nobody cared about him. Nobody cared for him truly, no-one…
With a bottle of water to help swallow, he consumed the pills that was enough to kill a healthy adult. As he took the pills, he watched the blue eye slowly turned into a brilliant golden orange as the sun set.
'How pretty…' Gakushu could no longer speak as if his voice left him, he was amazed of the blend of colours as he looked up.
Before the effects of the pills kicked in, he though back at any sort of happy memories he could find, other than his achievements, and even then it wasn't satisfying for him. And he couldn't find any, nothing, he felt no happiness in his life.
His brain slowly became numb, his eyes became heavy as they urged him to close, and he felt as if he was floating away from the world outside. This was probably the happiest he felt in a long time, if ever. He took one final glance to the world of colour. Gakushu slowly drifted away and he accepted of his eternal slumber with open arms.
At age 10, Gakushu Asano committed suicide by overdose of sleeping pills, as he laid in the forestry, surrounded by small animals with a small smile on his face.
'At else I wouldn't be so alone.' He thought before his last breathe was uttered.
He would never expect that he would ever open his eyes again, that next time he would wake up, but he did. He would wake up in a white room in a white bed. At first, he was too confused to be scared but quickly afterwards the fear kicked in.
Did his father caught him?
His eyes couldn't seem to focus properly with his blurred and terrible vision. He certainly didn't remember of having terrible eyesight. Or did the white shining bright against his eyes was helping.
'Was it the pills?' Gakushu attempted to rationalise his predicament.
And he would never expect a woman cladded in black, who sat by his bed saying, "Hello Gakushu Gakushu, you are our youngest Grim Reaper I have seen yet."
Gakushu turned in the direction of the woman's voice, all he saw was the blurred figure of hazel brown and black.
"I will be the one who is guiding you the ropes of your new life now." She said as she slowly placed the circular glasses over his eyes. Now Gakushu's vision became clear and he saw in front of him, a young adult woman with long hazel brown hair, looking at him with piercing chartreuse phosphorescent eyes and a gentle yet sad smile.
"I am your main senior, my name is Rilliane."
"My name is Rilliane-" Her voice echoed as Gakushu sat in the exam room, as the memories of his past as a human flashed before his eyes. He was looking down at his math paper, going through each and every one of them at a painfully slow pace.
It was sad to think that life for him only got better the moment he took his pills, he met with Ren and became friends with him. He made more friends at his workplace after some unlearning of his father's teachings begun. There was a popular saying amongst his friends.
"It took Gakushu a day to accept his role as a Grim Reaper.
It took him a week to discover his love for sweets.
It took him a month to graduate his classes.
It took him a month and a day to make his first (human) friend.
It took him two months to learn how to smile for real again.
It took him six month to have the word 'friend' to be easily said.
It took him a year to learn how to ask for help again.
It took him two years to learn how to cry and to hug again.
And it took him four years to perfect his act as the Chairman's perfect son."
Gakushu shrugged, 'What can you do about it?' Although he ignored that lingering feeling of want in his chest. Although Gakushu would never imagine that she and others like her would become the paternal figures he always wanted.
His friend, Ivan Ivanov, a reaper from the Russian Branch was more of a father in four years then Gakuhou was for how long Gakushu could remember. Yet Ivan took the designated spot of the 'fun uncle of the main group.' His friends were his family, and it was good enough for him.
He looked at the final question, it was one of the university level questions the chairman has set out. Gakushu snorted, 'typical.' He looked at it with bored look as he rested his cheek with his hand. His eyes hovered around the room, he noticed that the dark vibe radiated by the Class-A students disappeared.
Gakushu was more than happy enough that Ren has finally broke out from Gakuhou's hold, it seemed that it wasn't that perfect after all. Now, all is just left is the math exam. The strawberry blonde let out a sigh as he swallowed up his pride.
'You can do this.' He said to himself
He could imagine the formulas and working-out in the back of his mind, closing his violet eyes, they were coloured due to his contacts as he worked it out in his head. It was easy, he could work out every step, the formulas needed for this university level question.
And when he came to the right answer, he knew that he couldn't write it down for the sake of his mission. He looked down at the question, Gakushu did everything he could not have his pencil snapped in his fingers.
As much as Gakushu hated his father's teaching, he never like to lose. He was prideful but never to the point of self-destruction, as he had his friends checking him in line. And he had to do a lot for this school, mainly due to the Department.
'Sorry Akabane, I couldn't live up to your request.' And Gakushu deliberately wrote down an error that would definitely mess up the entire process.
Gakushu knew that he was only one step close before he joined Class-E. If only that voice would just go already.
'I told you, I don't care about Gakuhou anymore.'