Nessie's voice was barely above a whisper. She looked so gorgeous right then. Even in this awkward moment, I could appreciate that. Her eyes were full of concern, but still contained curiosity. I felt like I could read her mind by looking into her deep brown eyes. I could almost hear the wheels turning as she thought back over her life as it related to me. I knew what key points she would dwell on. I hadn't dated anyone since she'd been alive. Hell, the last girl I kissed had been Bella, not that she knew that. I may not be a runway model, but I wasn't bad looking. I probably could have found a nice girl to settle down with by now if I'd wanted to. The thing was, I didn't.
Ness knew about the whole imprinting thing. She knew that I was more than just her friend. Once she knew about it, we never really talked about it again. We just let our relationship evolve and develop into what it was today. Most of that was her doing. I had to be okay with her needing me around as much or as little as she wanted. Lately, she had been requesting to hang out with me a lot more than usual – this was different for us, because most of the time I'd just show up at the Cullen's place anyway. It thrilled me that she wanted to spend time with me too.
Now, I needed to try and concoct a story. She kept looking at me with those eyes, silently pleading with me to reveal the truth. I didn't think I'd have to deal with this for a long time. I thought I still had time to figure out to deal with this day, the day that Nessie would ask me if I was indeed in love with her. By then, I'd planned to have a well thought out speech, to tell her exactly what I needed to tell her. I would tell her that I loved her, with everything in my being. I would tell her that it was her choice how she wanted me, as a lover, a friend, or a brother. I would tell her, explain to her that she didn't need to feel obligated to me in any sort of way, that I would love her forever regardless of her choice.
At that moment, my brain turned to mush. My mind formed the words I needed to say as I silently rehearsed my speech. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't make my lips say the words. I loved Renesmee. I had grown to fall in love with her as she grew into a woman. She would always be the only one for me. These were not the right words to say to her. But I couldn't lie, I couldn't make myself believe in the words enough to say to her that it was okay if she didn't love me back. She would see through my pretenses immediately if I tried to lie. And so, I couldn't do it.
I had to tell her.
I cleared my throat. I took a deep breath. My eyes never left hers. She had begun biting her bottom lip a few moments back, probably worried about what was going to come out of my mouth. She looked just like Bella when she did that. I was afraid of Nessie's reaction. But I'd made my decision. There was no turning back now.
"Ness…" I began.