Navigator
Seifer found the door slightly ajar when he returned to their room, and nudged it open with his shoulder. The cardboard tray in his hand teetered precariously, almost spilling the three coffees he brought back with him.
Hyne above, can we at least get through this morning?
He spotted Raijin across the room, busying himself with packing up his dresser. He nodded in Seifer's general direction when he saw his friend enter.
"You get one of those for me? I been up almost all night, ya know." Seifer rolled his eyes, placing the tray down on the bench near their door.
"Well there are three of them Raijin, you do the math. Extra cream and sugar." Seifer plucked Raijin's cup out of the tray and walked over to plunk it on top of the dresser. "Which is very obviously yours. Plus, whose choice was it to not come back until 3 a.m.?"
"Ah man, that chick was worth it." Raijin replied with a wistful smile, and then shook his head. "Besides, you don't tell me anything, ya know? I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot to get me a coffee." He indignantly grabbed the coffee and took a sip.
"Mature," Seifer groaned at the reach in logic his friend had just made. "I'll tell you what you need to know, when you need to know it." He glanced around the room. "Where's Fujin?"
"Oh man, she's in the bathroom. She was getting sick in there when you went downstairs. She just came out to grab her toothbrush though so the worst is probably over. What'd she get up to last night?" Raijin asked with a hint of suspicion.
Seifer moved to the other side of the room, dropping Hyperion and his trench coat on the bed, and grabbed a bottle of aspirin and one of the drinking glasses off the nightstand. He'd needed both this morning to recover from what he'd gotten up to last night.
"Well, I know she had some tequila." Seifer grimaced, remembering how that dick had been trying to ply her with shots.
"Eesh, that stuff is bad news." Raijin placed his packed bag on the bed. "I packed her things too."
"Thanks man. When you're done, we're heading to this room." He handed Raijin one of their new keys. "Can you start moving our stuff over? Fujin and I need to talk about a few things."
"Sure, Seifer. No problem."
Seifer turned away from him to march towards the bathroom, but heard Raijin hesitantly call out behind him.
"Ah, Seif…?" He spun around, irritated, and met his bronze friend's concerned eyes.
"Raijin, the room number is on the card. Just walk out the door and go find it. What else do you—"
"It's not about the room, man." Raijin awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. "I don't know the best way to say this. It's just…you've been…a little crazy this summer, ya know? I just don't want any problems with our Posse."
"What the fuck are you talking about Raijin?" Seifer's face contorted into a sneer. He shrugged his shoulders and crossed his arms in one motion.
"C'mon." Raijin stuck out his thumb and pointed it at the bathroom door. "Don't you do something that we're all gonna regret."
Seifer scoffed and rolled his eyes, looking awkwardly around the room. They stood in silence, as Raijin gave him the sternest stare he could manage giving to a guy who he considered his hero.
"That's still our Fujin in there, that's all I'm saying. And we have to take care of her…because we take care of each other, ya know?"
"Raijin, I am taking care of her." Seifer, exasperated, ran his hand over his face and rattled the bottle of aspirin as proof. "That's what I'm trying to do right now." He ignored the insinuation. They both knew the truth—no need to address it.
Raijin shook his head and grabbed two duffel bags from the bed. "Alright man. Have it your way. I'm just sayin' that some things might just be more serious than you're looking for."
"Duly noted, Raijin." Seifer groaned. "I'm not planning on fucking anything up colossally today so how about you relax for a minute, and just get our shit out of here." Raijin shook his head again, and walked towards the door.
"Alright man, I'm going ... Do we all get a bed?"
"No," Seifer shot back. "There's only two."
"Ha, of course." He laughed and walked out the door, yelling from the hallway. "I'll see you two later after you finish 'not fucking anything up,' ya know?"
Seifer shook his head and wondered how a guy who was normally so dense could be so perceptive sometimes. He closed the door behind him, leaned against it and closed his eyes. He knew that his friend wasn't entirely wrong. Still, Seifer didn't hesitate to move forward to knock on the bathroom door.
"AWAY." Fujin shouted from the other side, with half the force of her normal voice. She sounded awful.
"It's me." Seifer yelled back. "I'm coming in."
Not waiting for an invitation, he opened the door and found her sitting on the floor with her head resting on her knees, not too far from the toilet.
"Yikes. Not feeling good, huh?" His chest filled with warmth and ache at the sight of her. "Why the hell do you have the light on in here? Hang on, I'll get you some water." He went to the faucet and filled up the glass he'd brought in with him.
"It's fine, really. I'm actually feeling better—just an awful headache now."
"Here." Seifer turned off the faucet, and then flicked the light switch before moving to sit down next to her, leaving the bathroom door open a crack.
"Fucking cheap tequila." He spat, before reaching over to touch her chin and tilt her face upward. "C'mere. Take this." He placed the aspirin in her palm. "And drink all this water—slowly."
He waited as she obliged, popping the aspirin in her mouth and drinking a few sips of water. The open door offered just enough light for him to see her tilt her head back to rest against the bathroom wall. Seifer leaned his back in tandem, staring at the stream of light spilling onto the floor that ran between them, dividing them in the dark.
"Now I remember why I don't do this." Fujin laughed lightly but then stopped abruptly, likely due to why she'd had so much to drink. "Never again," she muttered.
"That's what everyone says." He placed his forearms on his knees and laced his fingers together, nervously clearing his throat. He wasn't here to avoid the obvious things they needed to discuss—he'd never been one to let a problem lie. May as well get started.
"I hate to do this to you now, but we need to talk." He turned his head to look over at her, and saw her close her eyes. "This might be the last chance for us to be alone today, and I don't know about you but I can't wait until tomorrow." Fujin's pale hand moved to press above one of her eyebrows on the invisible ache that last night had caused.
"Fujin," he said, a quiet order, and she turned to look at him. "Tell me about Pandemona."
She pressed her lips together and looked away again, shaking her head.
"I wish I could. I don't know anything about her yet, other than I can't un-junction her. It's been three months now."
"Three months?" He felt his temper flaring up, but thought better of letting it get the best of him. He tried again. "You've been going through this by yourself for three months? I wish you'd told me."
"I didn't want to worry anyone, and it wasn't a problem at first…but then…she started to get stronger." Fujin turned back to look at him. "She feels less like a guardian force, and more like a person. It's hard to explain."
"You mentioned Kadowaki last night. What did she tell you?"
"Inconclusive. She wants me to spend more time with her when we get back so she can do more research. They've just never seen it before—they'd never seen one grow so powerful so fast and latch on like she has." Seifer continued to stare at her.
"If you'd told me, you know we wouldn't have left Garden this summer." It sounded hard but he hadn't meant it that way—he was kicking himself for not noticing something was wrong sooner.
"You needed to leave." She closed her eyes. "You needed a break from that place. Those crazy dreams you've been having…you needed to get out."
"Not at your expense. The three of us stick together, Fuu. Hell, I think loyalty is our collective best quality."
Fujin gave him a weak smile; she was fully aware he was referencing last night's rant. She nodded, and ran her foot over a piece of cracked tile on the floor absentmindedly. "I know. I put you first though ... most times."
"I know ... I know you do." He hesitated, and then angled his body towards her. "We're heading back to Balamb early. We had to switch rooms here at the hotel and we're leaving as soon as we can. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I don't know this is happening with you. You don't get to put me first ... you don't get to make that choice for us." She nodded, seemingly already knowing that was going to happen.
"Now, about SeeD."
She groaned and leaned her head against the wall again. "Do you need to interrogate me when I feel like this?"
"I'm not interrogating you. I just ... wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you for making it." Surprised, she tilted her head towards him. "My reaction last night ... I was upset about other stuff…" his voice trailed off, locking eyes with her and hoping to catch a glimpse of confirmation that they were on the same page about where this conversation was going. "It was all true, but I could have handled it better. Fuck, I don't know. I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you, Fuu. I never want you to hold yourself back because of me." Her eyes softened, and she reached out to grab his hand.
"I'm sorry I've been keeping everything from you. It's not that I didn't think you'd be happy for me. I just didn't want to make you feel…" She didn't finish the sentence, but she didn't need to. He could read between the lines. Like a failure.
"Next topic." Seifer squeezed her hand in his. He decided that he was going to treat this more like a meeting, and less like a life-changing event. Compartmentalizing it into a stand-alone problem—disconnected from heart and mind. This was their SeeD training in action ... it was amazing how much it permeated throughout their lives.
"This." He motioned between the two of them with his free hand. "What are we going to do about this?" He was reluctant to make any suggestions just yet, since he hadn't been able to gauge one way or another last night how she'd felt about that kiss.
Turning away from him again, she leaned her head back against the wall and sighed. She squeezed his hand in return, her index finger idly tracing lines on him.
"We both have a lot to figure out," she said distantly. He didn't take her eyes off her, as she quietly whispered in the dark. "Last night reminded me about ... a lot of things I've thought over the years." A familiar ache rose in his chest. He knew she was talking about all those things she'd said last night—about feeling invisible. He also knew she meant that Abel guy, and not so much him specifically as how it'd made her feel. He knew her hesitation rested mainly in the theory that it took him so long to see her. If only she knew...
"Right, I'm sure it did." His voice was quiet, waiting for her to wrap up her thoughts.
"I think we should step back ... and think about what this means for us." She still wasn't looking at him. "It's a lot to change ... all in one night."
Well shit. He hadn't seen that coming.
"Yeah, of course," he replied too quickly, as he shook his head and gently let her hand go. "I ... I think that would be best."
"Seifer, I'm not saying that—" He cut her off, laughing nervously and standing to his feet. He didn't know what to do or where to go.
"Well, that settles that. Let's put a pin in it for now." He stated awkwardly, like the whole conversation had been a mission debriefing, as he reached for the door. "Why don't you take a minute to get yourself together. I'll wait for you out here. We'll head to the room together." She said his name quietly but he pretended not to hear her, and he left the room bereft.
As he sat on the edge of the bed, that pesky feeling of regret crept into his chest again. 'That settles that' and 'let's put a pin in it'? That's not how he fucking felt. That's definitely not what he wanted to say. He'd played this moment through his head a thousand times today alone. How could he still mess it up?
Fujin emerged from the room moments later, not really needing much time to 'get herself together' because all of her things were packed up and moved already. A thing he'd forgotten in his haste to get away from the situation. She sat down next to him on the bed, wordlessly, and put her hand over his again.
They sat in silence with the bright Dollet sunlight shining through the sheer curtains, everything illuminated. They couldn't pretend to be oblivious anymore, and Seifer couldn't take another minute of that anyway. Everything had already changed. Why not stop trying to control it ... why not stop trying to pretend they both didn't want this? They weren't kids anymore ...
He stopped caring about how it was going to make him look. Fujin already knew how he felt—there was no point in hiding it. He released her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulder to draw her in close, kissing her forehead lightly. He'd been waiting all morning to do that. He felt her shiver.
"For the love of Hyne, Fuu." He whispered, as he felt her reluctantly rest her head against him and settle into the warmth of his chest. He took a deep breath—her hair still smelled like last night's salty sea breeze. "I don't want to step back…" The words were coming harder today than they had the previous night—clunky and less eloquent—knowing that she'd hear them in earnest. Once he said them he couldn't take them back—the bell couldn't be unrung.
"We shouldn't do this right now." She placed her hand on his chest. "Don't feel obligated to—" He cut her off and pressed forward.
"It's got nothing to do with obligation." Seifer shifted away from her so that he could look into her eyes, and he moved his hand to palm her cheek. He could feel her breathing more heavily and her eyes were closed, waiting for what was coming next ... or afraid of it.
"I don't know how else to say it ... " He lowered his forehead to hers, the tips of their noses touching lightly. "I can't stop thinking about you."
"Seifer, let's talk about—" But he didn't want to hear any of her logical protests. He leaned in to interrupt her with with a quick kiss, light and warm, and she gasped against his lips.
"Who said anything about talking?" He slid his hand down to the nape of her neck, his fingers gently urging her to come closer. "I'm done talking."
Time seemed to slow down as he leaned in to kiss her again, more passionately this time, his tongue finding its way to hers. Her movements were awkward at the beginning—her mouth unmoving, her arms still at her side not knowing where to go. Her heart was pounding and she was shaking. She was new to this, after all ... and the thought of that drove him crazy.
"Seifer …" Fujin she broke away from his lips for a moment to catch her breath, whispering his name before leaning in to kiss him back—shyly, but back all the same. He pulled her against him smoothly and greedily, adjusting his position to allow her to sit between his legs—his whole body tingling at the reciprocated touch. She melted against him and placed her hand on his chest. As she leaned into him, she inadvertently pressed against the stiffness that he hadn't realized had formed against his thigh, and he instinctively pushed back against her—a low, primal groan growing in his throat. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment, the feeling and the sound startling her.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to ..." She mumbled a panicked apology, but Seifer's hand moved to her side, his fingers finding a home in the curves of her ribs to hold her place. He'd wanted to listen to her, truly he did, but the apology only made him ache more. He lost himself in the moment, leaning in to kiss her passionately again and pressing against her like before, feverishly. When Fujin leaned into him, pressing back, his mind went blank.
In a quick motion, he maneuvered her back onto the bed, his mouth still on hers and his hand roaming upward from her ribs, grazing her breast before sliding up to thread his fingers in her hair. His other hand moved quickly to work on unbuckling his belt.
He'd broken away from her lips to deliver a tender kiss to her cheek, when he felt one of her legs shaking against him. In his moment of passion, he'd somehow missed the fact that that she was trembling. He pulled back to gauge her reaction.
"Is this okay?" When Seifer's eyes met hers, and saw that they were welling up with tears, he knew all too well what the answer was.
"We need to stop." She pulled away, breathless.
His heart sank when he felt Fujin hurriedly slide away from him, and confusion set in. Had he forced himself on her? He'd gotten ahead of himself. He'd gone and ruined everything.
It wasn't the fact that that she'd turned him down that bothered him, or even the fact that she'd wanted to slow things down in general. His mind could wrap around those facts just fine. He was moving too fast, anyway. They were responsible, adult reactions to a situation that could potentially get messy.
What did bother him was the almost physical sting of rejection. He'd never felt that feeling before—the pain, the unrequited ache that came with it. In a quick wave, that pain manifested into shame. He scrambled to his feet without fully knowing why or understanding how it looked to her. He could hear her uttering apologies, but they felt distant. He couldn't unring the bell, but in that moment, he sure as fuck wished that he could.
"It's fine. I'm sorry if you didn't want that. Let's take some time. Let's sort things out." He was talking too quickly, embarrassed now. He'd just gone overboard; made an ass of himself. He made his way towards the door.
"Seifer, wait." Fujin commanded, and he shook his head at her.
"It's fine, Fuu. I'm sorry. We need to get moving anyway. We're in room 303. I'll ... see you later."
And with that, just as quickly as the events had transpired, he picked up his coat and his gunblade and was gone.
