Chapter Four: The Author Must've Spent a Little More Time On You

Our universe is an odd place, full of many strange and mysterious things that can cause wonderment or confusion—and oftentimes pure, straight, chilling fear.

The idea of "fear" differs from person to person. Some fear the abstract—things such as death, the afterlife, and finding out the meaning of their existence is just to deliver a pizza to a distant world, be eaten by Heartless and then to cease existing soon afterwards (Demyx, the Organization's Number Nine, used to have this fear). Some fear the concrete—insects, snakes, the deep end of the swimming pool, high places. Others fear things that appear in their imaginations—flaming zombies wielding chainsaws—and some fear the very idea of things, such as a rumor of Britney Spears switching to an acting career and being cast in the lead role of a Janis Joplin biographical film.

But some fears are universal. Some fears are so intense, so terrible and so frightening, they can strike the cores of even beings who are incapable of feeling emotion to any extent beyond a logical standpoint.

And what Xaldin, Vexen and Lexaeus witnessed upon their arrival in the next world certainly fell under that category.

At first, it appeared just like any other ordinary suburban neighborhood, but only at first. Rows and rows of cute cookie-cutter ranch houses and the odd apartment building lined streets full of green trees, children rode their bikes in the street and elderly people watered and worked in their gardens. In the distance, a high school—but not one of Destiny Sanctuary blah blah blah caliber, as it appeared very ordinary—stood proudly with an oversized flag flapping in the wind, and a park was set off to the side of it. It could not have been a more unlikely place for an adventure to begin…

This contrasted the overwhelming stench of Destiny wafting through the air.

It also contrasted the teenage girl currently standing before our heroes. Her name was Sakura-Rose Sunblossom Orange Juice Annie-Marie McFate. She wore a shimmering sailor outfit ripped straight from the cels of a magical girl anime in all the colors of the rainbow and a long silver cape that went all the way down to the tips of her glowing gold stiletto-heeled boots. Her hair was the deepest raven and braided all the way down to her knees, and her eyes sparkled like amethyst orbs. The weapon in her hand was unmistakably a Keyblade, shining silver and gold and plastered with a rainbow of colorful sequins, diamonds, rubies and sapphires.

Sakura-Rose pointed the Keyblade in a straight line at our heroes, drawing it across the group in a threatening manner and smiling a pearly-white grin that spoke of overconfidence. "Halt, evil-doers! You'll not live to terrorize any more innocent people under my watch!"

"Sweet eternal mother of darkness," Lexaeus took a step back, his stomach roiling with nausea.

"Ha! See? Look how you tremble and shudder in fear at the very sight of my pure, righteous heart! I'm the chosen Keyblade bearer, you know!" Sakura-Rose laughed heartily and struck a pose suitable for an action figure. One of those super-detailed ones you can't actually pose or move at all.

Beads of sweat began to form on Xaldin's brow and his sideburns were on their guard, backing away alongside Lexaeus and muttering, "That's not… it can't be…"

"They're not supposed to be real!" Vexen hissed, sticking close to his comrades.

"But it is. It's real—it's…" Lexaeus stammered.

"A Mary Sue," the three of them gasped in horror.

"HEY! I am SO not a Mary Sue!" Sakura-Rose halted her threatening charge and triumphantly righteous speech, placing her hands on her hips in protest. "I have FLAWS! Like my stepdaddy beats me and he's SOOO MEAN! And I only got second place in my school spelling bee, and my class rank is only 3rd out of 247!"

"What do we do—what do we do?" Xaldin understood something was very wrong the moment he began to panic. "She's got a Keyblade—she's going to destroy us!"

"N-now stay calm! Everybody just stay calm!" Vexen, too, was starting to freak out.

Lexaeus had panicked so badly he backed completely away from the situation—and it was only once he was outside a small radius of the girl he began to think clearly again. He glanced back up at his two comrades with sudden realization. "Xaldin, Vexen! Back away from her!"

"BUT SHE'S GOING TO KILL US!" Xaldin shrieked in horror.

"Here, just—" Surely risking his life, Lexaeus inched as close to his comrades as he dared before grabbing them by the hoods and yanking them back out of the way.

Once there had been some distance gained between them and Sakura-Rose, Xaldin and Vexen seemed to return to their senses and blinked, still backing away from the girl ever approaching them with her Keyblade drawn.

"What's happened to us?" Xaldin demanded of Vexen, who took a moment to poke around in the index of the guidebook. "Why do we turn so pathetic if we go even near that girl?"

"It's her species, Xaldin," Vexen pointed to the tattoo on Sakura-Rose's midriff, one that eerily matched the ones they had seen marked on the Preppy Gutless in the previous world. "She's a Mary Sue Gutless. Approaching her will subject us to the illogical reality of her existence—she is apparently smarter, stronger and better than all three of us put together—in her own delusional little world. But she possesses the power to make others in the vicinity think so too."

"She doesn't look like the other Gutless," Lexaeus noted. "It's almost as though she was once human."

"Not human," Vexen shook his head, gritting his teeth in disgust. "She was once an ordinary denizen of this world… the Gutless infected her and transformed her into that creature."

"The denizens of this world aren't human?" Xaldin asked incredulously.

"No… they're not real at all. Unfortunately we may be seeing a great deal of other creatures like this one," Vexen tilted his head at her. "It seems we've landed in…

THE CITY OF OC

"Oh-see?" Lexaeus attempted.

"I'd actually pronounce it 'ock', there in the back of the throat," Xaldin offered.

"It doesn't matter—this world is ten times more dangerous than the last," Vexen sneered. "And what's worse, I'm picking up the presence of a Nobody."

"One of ours?" Lexaeus asked quickly.

"It seems so," Vexen's eyes narrowed. "I hate to think what might have happened to them…"

"Let's not. We've got bigger things to worry about at the moment," Xaldin gestured back at Sakura-Rose, who was still making her relentless charge.

"You evil Organization guys will learn better than to mess with MY neighborhood!" Sakura-Rose giggled, and sprinted towards them with her Keyblade drawn.

"Right… we'll just have to kill the creature while remaining a good distance away from her," Vexen said, attempting to remain calm and urging the others to join him in backing away.

"Now, is this species stronger than the Gutless we've seen before, defensively?" Lexaeus asked Vexen.

"Doesn't look like it."

"Then allow me," Lexaeus pulled out his tomahawk and urged the others away from him.

"Ah! Then a one-on-one fight it shall be? Very well! TEE HEE!" Sakura-Rose stopped in her tracks and waved her Keyblade menacingly at Number Five, her violet-hued orbs gazing at him with a steely, heroic glare that spoke of righteousness and goodliness and a vast knowledge of Orlando Bloom's acting roles. "You'll never defeat me, you hideous beast, because I represent all that is pure and good and light in the world, and YOU are an evil creature with no heart and I have a heart and it holds nothing but love for ALL LIVING THINGS! And you'll never be able to scare me, either! My will is as strong as stone!"

"Really?" Lexaeus asked lamely, and with the slightest movement of his hand, Sakura-Rose was crushed to death beneath two tons of irony and a gigantic summoned slab of rock.

"Well done, Lexaeus. I rather enjoyed the timing," Xaldin complimented him with a good-natured slap on the shoulder.

"I thought you would," Lexaeus stretched his shoulder and leaned on his tomahawk casually.

"Is that it? Is it… dead?" Vexen took a few uneasy steps towards the slab, tilting his head to better see what had become of the Gutless.

As the Gutless gave her final squeals of agony squished against the pavement, there was an explosion of what appeared to be rainbow-colored glitter. It poofed out from beneath the rock and scattered across the street, causing all three of our heroes to leap back for caution's sake.

Things once again appeared to be quiet in the ordinary suburb.

Xaldin, Vexen and Lexaeus approached what remained of the Gutless and very carefully, Xaldin picked up a pinch of the glittery substance, examining it with a discerning eye. "I wonder what this is?" he asked. "Perhaps the source of the Mary Sue's mind-altering powers?"

"Fascinating," Vexen jotted down his observations. "Gentlemen, do you realize what this means?"

"What?"

"It means, if we take this substance to a properly safe location and perform some tests on it, we might be able to create an antidote to the Mary Sue's effects! I'd feel much safer tracking down the source of this Nobody signal if that were the case," Vexen sneered, triumphant in his idea.

"A splendid idea, Vexen," Lexaeus kneeled down and began scraping the glitter into a convenient little bottle he'd found in his pocket. "Let's investigate that small shopping center up ahead, shall we? Perhaps there is a hardware store or somewhere we could get the proper supplies."

"Let's not waste any time then," Xaldin eyed their surroundings with an unpleasant grimace on his face. "Another one of those… things could pop up at any time."

Kain Bakayorou was an ordinary fifteen-year-old kid who lived in an ordinary house with his mom and younger sister. He had spikey hair that started out the same brown color of a bird's nest but it graduated to turquoise as it crossed his scalp, and also red eyes. He liked skateboarding, rap-metal and pulled mostly B's and C's in school… he was basically just an ordinary kid.

This of course meant he was destined for much greater things and would soon be sucked into a conflict beyond all his previous understanding. This of course meant that he would soon be forced to undertake the great task of saving the world.

This particular day, Kain was just getting out of school. He passed through the schoolyard, waving hello to his good buddy Sora, and set about on walking on his way home. He went down the street and through the shopping center bordering the suburbs of the City of OC where he lived, and then decided to take a shortcut through the back alley—it led right back to the suburbs, after all. As he passed by the door that opened into the back room of Sanford & Son's Hardware and Biology Supplies Ltd, he overheard several strange voices involved in a suspicious conversation. Being that he was only an ordinary boy, he had to listen.

"These should work perfectly. This substance seems to create some kind of chemical reaction when it gets close to another one of the Mary Sue Gutless… not only does it nullify their mind-altering powers, but it weakens them greatly."

"Any guesses on why?"

"I'd assume that the two Mary Sues' chemicals cannot be too close to one another—after all, each one is supposedly 'the best'. If exposed too long to another Sue's powers, both of them might explode."

"Into bloody chunks?"

"We can only hope."

"Eeeexcellent. Hand me another of those little bottles, Lexaeus."

"There you are, Vexen."

"Thank you. Now, if we each keep a small container of this in our pockets, we ought to be immune to the Mary Sue's powers—then all we have to worry about is their pathetic plastic Keyblades, which shouldn't be any problem at all."

"Good. Now we can get down to business hunting for that Nobody and get the hell off of this forsaken hellhole world."

Kain's eyes widened as big as saucers and he backed up towards the other side of the alley, trying to piece together all that he'd just heard. Nobodies? Mary Sues?

Key… blade?

"What on earth is a Keyblade?" he asked himself out loud, and was surprised to hear three other voices echoing the same question.

Kain looked up abruptly and found he was not alone—three other perfectly ordinary teenagers were crowded into the alley with them and had somehow been eavesdropping, all without noticing one another.

The four eyed each other uncomfortably for a few seconds before a long platinum-haired, amber-eyed punk-looking sort of fellow spoke up.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"What do you mean, what are WE doing here?" a cornsilk yellow platinum amber blonde girl with sapphire cobalt aquamarine cornflower silk lily midnight blue eyes and a fully outfitted wardrobe from Wet Seal placed her hands on her hips and glared at the others. "What are YOU doing here?"

"Hey—I don't know about you guys," the third boy, whose name was Turbo Hihibaba, with hair the color of #99CC66 and periwinkle eyes raised his hands defensively, "But I had a prophetic dream last night in which I overheard a suspicious conversation in the back of the Hardware and Biology Supplies store, and then I was sucked up into a mystical portal where I found out that I was destined to be the Keybearer!"

"No way!" the first boy, whose name was Raven Ikareponchi snapped. "I've been having creepy hallucinations during gym class in which I overhear a suspicious conversation in the back of the Hardware and Biology Supplies store and then get sucked into a mystical portal where I find out that I am destined to be the Keybearer!"

"I was reading my tarot cards last night and they told me that today I'd overhear a suspicious conversation in the back of the Hardware and Biology Supplies store and then get sucked into a mystical portal where I will find out that I am destined to be the Keybearer, so I decided to come check it out! That is so totally weird!" the girl, named Tsuki Shuugyofu exclaimed, and glanced at Kain. "And you?"

"Well, I was innocently walking home from school when I overheard a suspicious conversation in the back of the Hardware and Biology Supplies store, and there seems to be a mystical portal appearing overhead that I assume will suck me up and then I find out I'm destined to be the Keybearer," Kain said, pointing up at aforementioned mystical portal.

"Wow. That's totally weird," Tsuki said.

All four of them were suddenly sucked into the portal.

Towards the end of the City of OC suburbs, there was a large suspicious mansion. Obviously, this meant that there were strange and probably unsavory goings-on occurring within. In fact, this suspicious mansion had been abandoned for many years until just recently, when a new strange and unsavory character took up residence inside its walls, overrun with ivy and tree roots tearing up the basement.

Strange and unsavory characters cannot operate on their own, however, and so this particular being had placed a sign out front on the rusting iron-wrought gates. "HELP WANTED- APPLY WITHIN", it read.

The gigantic hooded bouncer at the gates turned away anybody not dressed in a black coat—which, luckily for the strange and unsavory master of the house, was pretty much no one.

A line of black-clad applicants stretched all the way out of the mansion's front doors and wrapped around the garden twice, with the interior half of the line twisting up and down staircases and finally down into the basement room, where the master of the house sat in a tall-backed chair with a clipboard.

"Next," he said lamely, flipping a piece of very-well conditioned hair out of his face.

The black-coated being at the front of the line excitedly stepped forward. "Greetings. I heard you were recruiting?"

"Indeed, I am, honey," the master giggled slightly, and turned a page on his clipboard. "Name?"

"My name is Susiex!" the girl cackled as wickedly and forebodingly as she could, which was not very much so.

"… Susiex?" the master lifted an eyebrow curiously. "Okay then. Hair color?"

"I'm a natural blonde, sir," Susiex pulled off her hood to show that this was true—she'd even pulled it into pigtails for the occasion.

"Eye color?"

"Green."

"Mmhmm. Powers and weapons?"

"My power is psychic ability, and I carry a samurai sword," Susiex said proudly.

"Next," the master rolled his eyes and waved her away to be escorted out by one of the creepy, silent bouncers. "Honestly. Why do they always have a samurai sword? They are so cliché and icky-poo."

"I don't know, my Superior," the woman standing alongside his chair said, shaking her head.

"Whatever. Next. Please state your name."

"Jeff."

"No, I mean your true name," the master yawned. "Add an x, honey."

"Oh. Yes, um…" Jeff gave this a lot of thought for a moment, and finally nodded. "My name is Jeff…x."

"Jeffx," the master said lamely.

"Yes. Jeffx."

"Very well. Hair color?"

Jeffx removed his hood and ran a few fingers through his plain brown hair. "Auburn-bark…ish… sienna."

"Eye color?"

"Trillium steel," Jeffx seemed much more confident in that answer.

"All right. And your weapon and powers?"

"My powers are the powers of psychic ability," Jeffx said proudly. "And I wield a samurai sword."

"Hmm. Well, Jeff…x… you show some promise in your listing of your hair and eye colors, but other than that you seem awfully average to me, I'm sorry to say. Tell me, in one sentence, why I should allow you to be a part of my esteemed society," the master crossed his legs and smiled patronizingly, pulling out a stopwatch. "I will be timing your pauses… when I hear a period, I'm cutting you off."

Jeffx looked mildly panicked, then took a tremendous breath and said, all in one sentence, "When I was a child my parents were murdered by Heartless and their hearts were stolen and almost mine too except the Heartless spared me and delivered me to their master Xehanort AKA Xemnas who raised me and taught me all his powers except I was a human so one day I tripped in a puddle on the way home from school and my master Xemnas was so angry I got mud on the carpet he disowned me so I wandered out into the city where the Heartless ate my heart and now I'm a Nobody and I'm here to join your Organization."

"Fantastic interview," the master said, eyes all aglow with glee. "You're in, honey."

"YAY!" Jeffx pumped his fist excitedly.

"My assistant, Xuxastell will escort you to the initiation room. Do feel free to make yourself comfortable," the master smiled generously and gestured to the black-coated woman standing to his left.

Xuxastell grinned at Jeffx and motioned for him to follow her. He was taken by her ruthless nature, her hip-length blonde hair that flowed like an ocean of curls, her drop-dead good looks and her take-no-crap attitude. "So, uh… Xuxastell, was it?" Jeffx mumbled stupidly, staring at her with a loving glance. "That's a pretty name… y-you mixed it up real good in there."

"Why thank you," Xuxastell giggled airily, leading Jeffx through a dark corridor towards a locked room at the far end of the basement.

"Tell me, then… if we're to be partners in crime, my lovely black-coated beauty," Jeffx had been watching old romance movies lately—and Humphrey Bogart had nothing on him. "We ought to get to know each other. So, uh… what number are you?"

"I'm Number Twelve," Xuxastell grinned and opened the door, taking Jeffx by the arm and leading him innocently forward into the darkness.

I've been having… these weird thoughts lately.

Like… is any of this for real? … or not?

Oh God, not another one with the Philosophy Stick up his ass. I've had it up to HERE with you kids and your bullshit videogame philosophy.

When Kain opened his eyes after an extended FMV sequence of himself falling through air no water no air no water no BOTH, he found himself standing on an ornate glass window depicting Snow White and her seven dwarves. He gazed up at the sky, and majestic white doves soared past his head, feathers falling all around him. He remained posed there, staring up at the light above him, when…

Okay kid, that's enough. You've had your turn. Time for somebody else to have their opening sequence, now knock it off!

Kain blinked suddenly and found himself suddenly on a much more populated corner of the creepy Tutorial Drug Trip World, in a long queue line with velvet ropes blocking him from going anywhere but forward. Up ahead was a large group of ordinary-looking teenagers not unlike himself, all waiting their turn to step through an ornate white door at the end of the line. Smooth jazz was playing from ethereal speakers.

"Where… where is this?" Kain stammered. "Where am I?"

"This is where we wait in line to become Keybearers, the creepy text from nowhere said," Turbo explained.

"There's sure a lot of people here," Tsuki tilted her head and bit her lip a bit. "I guess I was under the impression there was… um… only one Keybearer."

Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? the creepy text said irritably. But in this world, the Keybearers apparently reproduce like little bunnies.

"Oh. I see," Kain shuffled awkwardly in place and glanced around. "So, uh… we just stand in this line and then we wake up back on our world as Keybearers?"

"Not quite. First we have to endure a long, anal-retentive tutorial of some sort," Raven counted on his fingers, going through the step-by-step process outlined in the brochure they were handing out at the front of the line, entitled "SO YOU WANT TO BE A KEYBEARER?" "Then there's another line, where we step up and fight some kind of gigantic Heartless monster. And then we wait in line for the portal back OUT, where we get our Keyblades."

"And then do we get relayed to Traverse Town?" Kain sounded excited.

"Well, ah… normally, but they've had so many Keybearers pass through Traverse Town they've actually started sending some of us to Twilight Town instead," Turbo shook his head. "And I hear the cap's getting pretty high around there too, so, um… we might just end up back in the City where we started from."

"But then how will we find a gummi ship and travel around the universe from world to world fighting evil? Isn't that what Keybearers do?" Kain asked.

Sorry, kid, one of the lesser-ranked random text guys said with a textually implied shrug. We just set you up with the Keyblades. You're on your own finding a ride.

"Oh. Oh well. I'll just go find Sora and hitch a ride with Donald and Goofy," Kain shrugged.

Yeah, you and every other one of these chumps, the text guy laughed. Hey Bill, get this. This kid thinks he's gonna travel along with Sora, Donald and Goofy!

Hahaha! Keep dreamin', buddy! Sora's only the hardest working little Keybearer of all you losers, Bill the Text Guy snickered. He's had to bust his ass over and over again letting new little dorks like you tag along on his adventures. Poor sap's probably had to replay the same worlds and the same storyline maybe three hundred times now… and that's just this week.

Kain frowned. "So you mean… he has to watch his best friend Riku turn evil and betray him over and over again? Like a hundred times a day?"

Riku? That poor sucker's long gone, Ted the Text Guy implicated sadness in his font. He's too busy running from all the OC fangirls trying to jump his bones to even show up in the storyline anymore. We ain't seen him around here in… hm. It's been a while, hasn't it, Bill?

At least a month or so, Ted.

Yeah. Don't even start with what that poor bastard's gone through. And all because you little twerps are too boring to come up with your own idea for a plot, so you just GOTTA tag along with Soooraaa.

"This is sure a lot more complicated than I thought it would be," Kain made a face. "I thought for sure I'd be out killing Heartless by now."

"Everything's changed…" Raven said solemnly, gazing up at the black sky above them. "Nothing's the same as it used to be… A scattered memory that's like a far-off—"

HEY! A particularly bitchy Text Guy burst out, poking Raven angrily in the chest. DID YOU READ THE GUIDELINES! One opening FMV sequence PER KEYBEARER! Knock that shit off!

"Sorry," Raven quieted himself immediately, and wished he had a copy of National Geographic to read until it was his turn to play Keybearer.

With the chapter's prerequisite satirical points now firmly shoved down the reader's throats, the narration cut back to the characters we all care about—Xaldin, Vexen and Lexaeus as they made their way down the streets of the City of OC, following the beeping signal dot in the back of the world guidebook's computer scanner.

"Any clearer signal yet?" Lexaeus asked

"No. Not yet. But we're heading in the right direction," Vexen sighed irritably.

"I just wish we would stop having altercations with the locals," Xaldin shook his head. "It's getting exceptionally annoying."

As though some convenient hand of fate had been listening for the cue, a bright-eyed teenager in goofy pants and wielding a plastic Keyblade came flying out of the nearest alley, shrieking out a battle cry of "DAKTARIIII!" and tackling Xaldin to the ground. Rather, throwing himself pathetically at Xaldin, only to be caught by the collar and tossed into the nearest convenient open sewer with a minimal amount of stress or concern exerted by Xaldin himself.

Ignoring the screams and pleas for help, Xaldin brushed off his coat and rushed up to walk alongside his comrades again. "And just the slightest bit pathetic, as well," he added.

"Indeed," Lexaeus shoved a Keybearer attempting to stand in his way to the ground effortlessly, stepping over him without so much as batting an eye. "You think they'd learn."

"Of course they'll never learn," Vexen rolled his eyes, casting a slick sheet of ice on the sidewalk behind them and sending an entire swarm of Keybearers slipping and sliding out into heavy traffic. "They all want to fulfill their wishes of being the little 'star' of the show."

"Nothing wrong with wish-fulfillment, after all," Lexaeus nodded sagely, cracking the skulls of two oncoming Keybearers together and discarding their unconscious bodies off to the side.

Xaldin shook his head and threw a large group of the overzealous locals against the nearest brick wall in a blast of hurricane-force gusts. "If only they'd learn that the vast majority of those coming to Fandom Hearts do so to read about characters they know—their pale, trite, two-dimensional, unoriginal creations will never inspire such loyalty or fans, no matter how much they like to kid themselves."

"Let them live in their silly little world then," Vexen hissed and bashed a particularly rowdy Keybearer in the face with a vicious backhand. "But I can't stand it when they get all self-righteous and pissy when nobody cares about their precious little invocations."

"OHMIGOD YOU GUYS! IT'S THEM!"

The three Nobodies turned around uneasily to spot a gang of rowdy black-coated females screeching and running at them with the force of a mob of Beatlemania teenagers.

Sighing immensely, they turned around and within a matter of seconds had reduced the mob to lumps on the sidewalk in various degrees of severe injury.

"And you know what's really pathetic?" Xaldin quipped disgustedly. "When they don't even bother creating a new character and just port themselves into the story as the heroes."

"Ah, yes. 'I got sucked into the video game' fiction. How remarkably clever," Vexen said snidely.

"Yes. It's only been done ten million times in every possible section," Lexaeus chuckled, rolling his eyes.

They continued on their way down the street, not bothering to look back even as Xelz wriggled her way out of the ice flow, pulled Renaxec out of the trash can she'd landed in, and carefully unhooked the back of Mynx's coat from the overhead telephone wire.

"Gosh, that was awfully bitchy of them," Dixa shook the sleet and icicle shards out of her coat, frowning angrily. "What'd they go and do that for?"

"I don't know—we just wanted to get their autographs!" Lynx sniffled as she emerged from the spontaneous mudslide she'd been trapped in.

"You're a big fat hypocrite, you know that?" Gext examined the multiple stab wounds on her torso and glanced down, addressing the body crushed beneath the 20-ton boulder in the gutter.

"So sue me," Gexegee grunted, in a severe lot of pain.

"My lord, our latest experiments ought to be done by now," Xuxastell said softly as she opened the door to her master's chamber. "Perhaps we ought to- AAGH!"

"Xuxastell, can't you see I'm busy?" her master hissed furiously, throwing his sparkling diamond tennis bracelet to the ground. "Do you remember the rule we discussed when I created you? About the scrunchie on the door?"

"… 'If there's a scrunchie on the door, x-x-Marley-dono CrImSoNfLoWeR-x-x is busy playing dress up,'" Xuxastell recited, no easy task thanks to the spastic formatting of his name. She winced and turned slightly away to spare herself the sight of her master in a long, luxurious red evening gown and fully covered with radiant Maybelline products that he certainly wasn't born with.

"That's RIGHT, honey!" Marluxia's Seme snapped, glaring at his icky female assistant and brushing bright pink flowing man-hair out of his face to show her just how pissy she'd made him. "Look, the stress has reduced my hair to a frizzy mess! AGH! I can never properly menace the world like this!"

"I-I'm sure the Grand Master Fangirl will forgive you if your hair is only slightly off, Superior," Xuxastell covered her eyes and felt vaguely queasy. "In any case, Superior, the line of applicants now wraps around the mansion four times. Also, Jeffx has been properly… recruited."

"Oh HAS he!" Marley-dono squealed excitedly. "Excellent! Forget the other applicants for now, I want to see how my new little honey turned out!" he clapped his hands joyously and gestured grandly towards the door. "Come, Xuxastell! TO THE EXPERIMENT CHAMBER!"

It was difficult taking the disturbing Marley-dono seriously as he skipped down the hallway of the creepy abandoned mansion, taking his time to scope out the asses of every mutant plant Gutless-turned pre-nubile skinny servant boy and stopping every so often to lavish attention on the huge pictures of himself he'd hung all over, but at last they reached the darkened basement chamber where they'd left Jeffx several hours earlier.

"HONEEEYYYYYYY! x-x-Marley-dono CrImSoNfLoWeR-x-x's here to check up on yoooooooou!" Marley-dono cried out, throwing open the door of the transformation pod. Smoke poured out from within and a dark silhouette was barely visible through all the wires and unpleasant-looking needles and plugs. Suddenly two glowing red eyes opened, and Jeffx was heard to give a low moan.

"The machine is suitable for both uses, it seems," Xuxastell smiled evilly.

"Yes, ooh, I love the looks of him already! And I thought it really outdid itself pulling that little number on you, honey," Marley-dono cackled, unfastening the straps around Jeffx. "Honey, are you awake?"

"I am awake and ready to do your bidding, Master," Jeffx's voice no longer sounded pre-pubescent—no, this tone was better described as pre-apocalyptic.

"Glad to hear it. Come on out, honey, I can't wait to take your for a test drive," Marley-dono cooed.

Jeffx stepped out of the frightening pod machine and for the first time, Marley-dono and Xuxastell got a full glimpse of his new outfit. His auburn barkish sienna hair was now auburn barkish sienna-silver, and extended far down below his knees. His outfit was entirely comprised of leather and death midnight raven black feathers, matching those on his new set of wings—wing, rather, as one wing was angel-style and covered in the same raven feathers, and the other was horned and demonic. His blood gore sanguine red eyes glinted in the dim light of the laboratory and his clawed hands tightened around the samurai sword at his belt. Most prominent however was the Gutless tattoo on his lower abdomen.

"Jeffx, you look FANTASTIC!" Marley-dono squealed. "My plan is working out better than I ever thought it would! MMPH! Can you imagine an entire army of these things, Xuxastell?"

"We've made a definite improvement over Sakura-Rose, that's for certain," Xuxastell laughed wickedly. "A few more proper recruitments like this and we'll have an entire army of Mary Sue Gutless! This world will fall into our grasp and the Grand Master Fangirl will be most pleased!"

"Perhaps," Marley-dono giggled, curling a long strand of Jeffx's hair around his finger. "They'll even be able to take care of those nuisances Xiggy-kun warned us about before his unfortunate demise."

"The Nobodies?" Xuxastell rolled her eyes. "Oh honestly—look at the guy. He'll make mincemeat out of them… and if he doesn't, I will."

"That's right… all the Mary Sues in the world couldn't hope to match you in terms of ability, honey," Marley-dono sneered cruelly. "But luckily, I don't think we'll have to worry about things getting that far… will we, Jeffx?"

"I have changed my name," Jeffx announced. "It is now…"

A shrill beeping noise from one of the computer monitors distracted the three of them from hearing Jeffx's new moniker. Marley-dono rushed over to see what the problem was, and made a horrified face. "Oh POOPY!"

"What is it, Master?" Jeffx glowered.

"I'm picking up the signals of three Nobodies on the grounds of my beautiful evil mansion!" Marley-dono hissed, stamping his feet in a tantrum. "It's those horrible ugly Organization XIII yutzes! They've come here to destroy our plan!"

"I will never allow it!" Xuxastell shrieked, tightening her fist in fury. "Quickly, Master! Order the applicants waiting outside to dispose of them!"

"It's too late for that," Marley-dono wrinkled his nose and twisted his finger in his hair nervously. "They've already begun attacking…"

Xuxastell and Jeffx crowded over Marley-dono's shoulders and watched the monitor themselves, hoping to get a good view of the situation. "But this can't be right, Master…" Jeffx grumbled. "The applicants are all getting their asses handed to them."

"Ooh—I didn't think they were supposed to bend that way," Xuxastell winced.

"No… no I don't think they are," Marley-dono looked vexed, clenching his fists. "Agh! And they're throwing their unconscious bodies into my beautiful rosebushes! THOSE WERE RAISED BY HAND, YOU BASTARDS!"

"What shall we do, Master?" Jeffx growled. "We will not stand for those Nobodies to make such fools of us!"

"They've kicked the asses of every single one of them and thrown them over the hedges, and now that giant brute is erecting a stone wall around the premises to keep them from coming back in!" Xuxastell pointed out. "Master, send out Jeffx and I! We will take care of them while you think of some way to keep the mansion and our precious machine secure—pathetic Organization wannabes are a dime a dozen, but we can't afford to lose the machine!"

"Right you are, sister," Marley-dono clapped his hands. "Very well! We'll do JUST THAT! Xuxastell, Jeffx! Go outside and give those jerks the what-for!"

"Yes, Master," they both nodded and vanished into dark portals.

"Those poopy-heads have another thing coming if they think they'll defeat me so easily!" Marley-dono slammed a fist into the computer monitor, before pausing, glancing at his hand, and utterly freaking out. "OHMIGAWD! I BROKE A NAIL!"

"Ah. Two more to add to the stack?" Xaldin asked, amusement apparent in his voice as Xuxastell and Jeffx appeared before them.

"You people never learn," Vexen smiled with amusement. "Do humor us. Who are you supposed to be?"

"The one on the left's obviously a Mary Sue Gutless," Xaldin pointed to Jeffx, smiling patronizingly. "Go on. Give us your fancy speech, boy."

"Boy?" Jeffx sneered. "You dare to call me boy! I am the son of seraph and demon and also human! I am the cold assassin, I appear from the shadows of darkness and strike out of nowhere—my victims do not even see me coming before my blade claims them in the name of the dark! My power is unimaginable by any human imagination! There is no one stronger, no one faster, no one possibly more badass than I am! I am the ultimate! I am the strongest! I am the fastest! I am the most badass! I am the ultimate—"

His speech went on for quite a while. For space's sake, we shall present the abbreviated version.

"—I am the ultimate opponent! Prepare to bow before me, you pathetic whelps, for I am the terror that flaps in the night! I... am… JEFFIROTH!" Jeffx-turned-Jeffiroth screamed dramatically.

"JEFFIROTH!" echoed the trained opera choir in the background.

"Isn't that precious, gentlemen?" Vexen smiled cruelly. "How he thinks we ought to be afraid of him. It's too bad we've discovered an immunity to his kind, so his empty threats are nothing more than just that."

"Ah, and look at this. The one on the left's obviously an Organization member," Xaldin said, mocking how impressed he would have been had he no dignity whatsoever. "How cute. Tell me, dear, what's your name?"

"My name is Xuxastell, sir," Xuxastell snapped evilly, pulling an electrified mage's staff with all sorts of points and sharp edges on it out of nowhere. "And you're making a huge mistake underestimating me. I am a member of Organization XIII!"

"Are you?" Vexen rolled his eyes. "Well, let's see now… XIII—thirteen members, right? Let's count them up, shall we? There's Xemnas and Xigbar…"

"Then the three of us," Xaldin added. "Xaldin, Vexen and Lexaeus… Then Zexion, Saïx and Axel…"

"And we mustn't forget Demyx, Luxord, Marluxia, Larxene and Roxas. Hm. That's thirteen," Vexen challenged her. "What number would you be?"

"Oh hell. She's Number Twelve," Lexaeus said suddenly, staring in horror at the computer in the back of the world guidebook.

"What do you mean, she's number twelve?" Vexen snapped.

"I mean, the Nobody signal we were following before?" Lexaeus said sternly, and showed Vexen the blinking signal on the monitor. "It belongs to her. She's Number Twelve."

"That's not possible," Xaldin's voice rose ever-so-slightly with alarm. "Larxene is Number Twelve."

"She was," Lexaeus's eyes narrowed. "That thing there… whatever it is, it used to be Larxene. She's transformed into this new being… and she is Number Twelve."

Xuxastell cackled wickedly, spinning the staff around in her hands and striking a seductive pose. "That's right… it's ever so wonderful to see you again, my comrades!"

There was a long, awkward pause on both sides of the battle.

"Well shit," Xaldin said succinctly. His sideburns seemed to agree.

(Word out to my Org VI homies. Peace out, West-Midwestish-East Coast for life, y'all.)