So, okay, this chapter is VERY boring x) I have a lot to comment on this though. Firstly, I was very nervous to publish this because this is all thoughts and, when I write thoughts, I'm known to forget to mention some things and shorten things a lot (at least when I talk :D). Secondly, I don't really watch the anime, but I dislike how low Kanda's voice is in it. It sounds somewhat... disembodied. The two don't fit. I don't want his voice to be girly, I was waiting for a kind of... male neutral. But anyway. Try to guess who are speaking ;)
Note: In this chapter there's no particular time dependency, but it would be "now". A cut through everybody's minds.
A fun fact: whenever Yuu argues with Allen, his voice almost always gets higher. I have a theory about that. I believe his voice is naturally higher than he likes to set forth. He doesn't especially like the fact that he's pretty. Because he is, pretty, there's no denying that, not even for him. And to add that he has a pretty voice too? Nuh-huh, no way, not going to happen. At least his voice he can somewhat control, hiding his looks might be impractical. He can get used to talking lower if he does it all the time. Not that he can get his voice very much lower, but in a way that makes it more casual. In my honest opinion, I think he could also cut down the prettiness by cutting his hair. I like his hair though, so I will never tell that to him seriously.
But Yuu is quick-tempered. He doesn't exactly remain calm and in control all the time. And when he isn't calm and, more importantly, when he isn't in control, his natural voice breaks out. I asked Lenalee about his voice and she said that she had noticed, but she wasn't sure why it happened. She guessed it was because some people's voices did naturally get higher when they were upset. But there is one factor that she missed. I've also heard him talk with that voice, not when he was upset, but when he talked about something he believed in. Something that was more important to get out right than to get out in the right voice. So basically, if someone says something that's dear to him, usually people listen to what he's got to say, not how he says it. If they focus on the level of his voice, they probably shouldn't be hearing it at all.
Lenalee has known Yuu longer than I have. And I'm certain that she has heard him use that voice more than she knows. But she has not focused on it, because at the time it was more important to listen to what Yuu had to say. But I'm more observant than that. I'm more observant than any normal person, because that's how I was raised to be. That is how I know the truth but she doesn't. I also asked Allen about it. Allen too had spotted the fact. As a side note, Link hadn't, but Link probably didn't even care about the highness of Yuu's voice. Allen said that he thought it was silly that Yuu would want to hide his pretty voice. This was the first time I realized Allen must have really fallen for Yuu.
I had not told Allen about my theory. Allen just suddenly pointed his one out after I had commented on what Yuu's voice was like during their arguments. I asked him why he believed Yuu's voice was actually higher. He off handedly told me that his voice tended to dance on the verge all the time and it was totally obvious to the ear that he was modifying it less melodic, his exact word. I personally had thought that Yuu had been generally doing a really good job at hiding his bones. And I got taken a little aback when I found out Allen was right. Damn. Allen, who never noticed anything concrete, would notice the slight instability in Yuu's voice, when even I couldn't, and he didn't seem to have thought a lot about it either. And not too many things make people go super observant of other people without even themselves noticing it.
-
Kanda's been acting really cold towards me again today, were Walker's words and I couldn't say I disagreed. On that day or any of the others. He complained about how Kanda hated cursed people and now, including his eye, he was double-cursed because of the fourteenth. He had a Noah inside of him and that provably made him sinful, something to exorcist and yet he was jumping along with the people who did the exorcising. Kanda must have been dying to slaughter him. His words, not mine and certainly not Kanda's, since he and Walker definitely did not talk about anything so deep, in their scale at least. I personally don't think he was completely out of his mind for thinking like that. I would think like that.
That is of course if I hadn't paid any attention what so ever during our time in the orphanage. I think it's fairly possible that Walker himself wasn't even aware of being possessed. Or then he's just really dense, which is an equally probable option. I saw the fourteenth appear and I'm positive Kanda saw it too, because he was even closer to the host. And in case Walker got possessed, every exorcist was clearly advised to kill him. Immediately. No buts. But what does the Japanese do? He starts screaming "bean sprout". For crying out loud. Isn't it obvious why Kanda is so cold to you, Walker? You were there. He knows he's going to lose you and he even possibly has to be the one to kill you. Do you think it'll make it a lot easier if he's acting like your best friend? Right, he probably loves killing his friends.
I'm sure thinking about your feelings has crossed his mind. But he probably sees it this way: "You're a selfish brat for suddenly beginning to die, just when I had gotten used to you. This is why I don't like people: they die." Oh yes, I can basically hear his mind whirring. I won't tell you any of this, because I know you love him. Of course I know, because my job is to follow you around and therefore I was there when you told your two little friends about it. I don't want you to feel hurt because of the situation between you two right now, but I think it's better this way, for his sake. It hurts a whole lot more to lose a loved one then to never have been loved at all. No matter what you'd say, I'm not sure if this is something he can forgive you, even if you did know. Forgive dying, that is. To think of it, he's probably angrier at God than you.
The knowledge in itself also might hurt you more than your imaginary one, because you'd know he was hurting too and you couldn't do anything about it. If you start talking about this by yourselves, that's fine by me. But I highly doubt that. It hurts too much, doesn't it? Those are things more complicated. You might both end up more hurt than before. Anyway, Kanda is thinking about himself now. He wasn't supposed to like you, so more than you, more than God, he probably is the angriest at himself. He'll hurt if he starts liking you. But he can't hate you if you love him. So you're being selfish too. Walker, you do realize that telling Kanda you love him will hurt him more than it would if you just said you hated him? Lovesick people usually tend to be awfully blind towards the people they love.
-
I don't think falling in love with Kanda was that hard. Not hard at all. You might think it to be difficult, because of a lot of things. Because Kanda is the same sex as I am. Because of our general hostility towards each other. Because either of us could die at any moment. Because there was an outright war growing outside, because I had no time to be falling in love. But it was. Maybe it was easy because of those things. I can't say that I'm broadminded enough to have not freaked out if I had just realized I'm gay. Just because I'm used to being unusual, doesn't mean I want to be any more. No, certainly not. However, I didn't freak out, for a reason completely different. It's all about how you phase it.
Maybe it was the war that kept me from concerning myself with it, because otherwise I don't understand why people ever even get upset over being gay. It went a little like this: I feel attraction towards a boy, I convince myself it was just one boy and I still generally like girls. I figure that I like more guys, but it still doesn't matter because I like girls. I figure girls aren't so interesting, but I'm already okay with liking guys so it doesn't matter. Simple. It was all very slow. It doesn't shock you so much if you take it in bit by bit. Falling in love with Kanda was the same: I might not dislike him, I feel attraction towards him, I like him, I love him, I love him in a completely different way that I love everyone else.
I didn't just wake up one day and realize that I love him. I don't even remember when was the first time I used the word love in the non-friendly sense. Just at some point the meaning behind the word became more and more obscure and maybe a bit by bit I started loving him deeper and deeper until in my mind I had definitely and conclusively fallen in love with him. And if you think about it, Kanda is not that hard a person to fall for. He is extremely beautiful and has a great body. He is strong, physically and mentally. He cares about everyone around him enough to even sacrifice himself, even though he won't admit it. Also, would it be completely inappropriate to say that he's fun, because he's hard to get? You can't quite understand him and he doesn't want you to understand, which makes the chase more exciting.
Running after his heart is a whole different story. That chase I can hardly say I enjoy. I wouldn't want to waste a second out of eternity without him. Catching his heart would make everything, absolutely everything much less painful. For me, of course, but I'd personally make sure he would enjoy it too. But I can't, I shouldn't, but I want. I know I'm dying. I know it'd be cruel to ask him to love me when I most certainly will lose myself at a point near future. But, I think it'd make it a lot harder for the Noah to take control over someone who has a lifetime pack of ecstasy reserved. I think, but I can't be certain. Luckily I don't need to worry about that since he is obviously rather far from loving me back. The hardest part of falling love is the fact that I'll never know if I'll ever catch his heart.
-
Allen is never down. He is always seeing the brighter side of life. I'm certain it's not a façade, because he's not down even in the weakest moments. But this everything does seem to be getting him down, with the fourteenth and the millennium earl rising. That is something huge. There is no way anyone could ever deal with that and still remain positive all way down to the core. He still is trying to look forward, I know that. Well I don't know why or how he does it, but Allen's glass will always be half full, even if the teacup and the bag of flours were empty. But anyway, he has been relatively down lately. If you already have this sad feeling inside of you, it will come out even by the simplest things. But also if you have this happy feeling inside of you, it works the same way.
I also don't think he was telling the truth when he said that love only brings him pain and sadness. It is possible he seriously believes that. But just because he believes it, it doesn't make it any more the truth. Maybe he just doesn't see the energy he gets after every quarrel with Kanda. Maybe he doesn't remember the exciting feeling he gets. In that case, it would be the aftereffect that leads him astray. Just about at all times, Kanda will walk away from him or just ignore him. Which will make Allen feel awful. And that awful feeling will surely be the thing he will remember afterwards. People have this weird habit of getting stuck with the last feeling they get from a thing. And a weird habit of letting bad things overpower the good things in their memory.
And it also might have something to do with the fact that a quarrel with Kanda usually lasts only a few minutes. In comparison, when Kanda and Allen leave for different missions or when only the other one goes, it takes days before they see each other again. He feels sad more often. Though you could ask him if the few minutes of happiness beat the pain that comes from days of deprivation. If he really thought about it, he would say yes. I know he would. That's why he keeps on loving, for the sake of those few minutes. His unconsciousness remembers, even when he forgets, and it adores the happy feeling it gets from loving Kanda and there's nothing Allen can do about it. Love really is this happy feeling inside.
No matter how odd it sounds, I don't want him to know how happy he is. If he realizes how happy love actually makes him, he will never be able to give it up. And I don't know if Kanda would ever let himself love Allen back. He probably hates the mere fact that Allen is attached to him. Everything hurts a whole lot less if you don't care. Kanda refuses to love. If you lose a loved one, which often happens in a war, it will make your heart and body lose their strength. And he won't have the strength to fight anymore. But people always fight for their love, don't they. If he doesn't love, who does he fight for? The answer is everyone. That's why he's the same with Allen. He wants to save everyone. He never says it, but he loves everyone, equally. And if he were to fall in love with someone, it'd be Allen. If he let himself fall.