Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser in fees, expenses and waste of time. Abraham Lincoln

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice. Franklin P. Jones

If Stefan was having a panic attack earlier, I was having a fucking coronary right now. I might have actually been shaking. I could barely feel the scorching coffee that soaked the feet of my pantyhose and was now seeping into my pumps.

"Aw shit, that got all over my brand-new Florsheims!" Stefan exlaimed.

"I'm so sorry," I blurted, my face flaming red. I didn't have the heart to make things worse and call for the utterly incompetent Candra to clean this up, especially after I totally snapped at her. Instead, the veritable lightbulb in my head went on and I decided to see the lack of help around as an advantage.

"Give me a second to get some paper towels, I'll be right back."

I turned on my heel to go back to the office kitchen to get a roll of paper towels from the cabinet, and I braced my hands on the counter and took a few deep breaths.

I couldn't fucking believe this. Of the millions of thoughts careening back and forth in my head, the most dominant one was, "Holy shit, I slept with the opposing counsel."

The best fuck I ever had was right here in my office. When I thought I wouldn't see him again.

His full name was Tyler Lockwood. And he didn't work for Starbucks, he worked for one of the most prestigious law firms in the DC-Alexandria area. This was some way of me finding out.

This was one of the hugest high-profile cases I had taken on for the firm probably since I stopped that actress from publishing the book about Vickie Donovan, Klaus said if I won this one it would more than likely make me partner.

But technically this was a conflict of interest, which by the standards of conduct imposed by the Virginia Bar, would mean I would have to alert Klaus or Lexi to assign Stefan a different lawyer or take it upon myself to find Stefan different representation in-house or with another firm.

Except, oh yeah, I couldn't explain to my bosses, other lawyers, and my client why I would have to do this without seriously putting my ass on the line. I massaged my temples and resisted the urge to scream then travel to Hades via the plastic flatware we kept in the cabinet for office birthday parties.

Why can't I ever just catch one small break? I think I would've been happier and saner knowing that Tyler was just a one-night affair who I never saw again. Pondering the one that got away was seriously far less painful than pondering, "Will I get to keep my job or ever make partner at this rate?"

I took a minute to wipe the coffee out of my shoes, dreading the sticky feeling they would develop later. Then I quickly made a lukewarm vanilla rice-milk latte, and walked back to the conference room with the paper towels. Tyler and Katherine looked amused as I wiped up the spilled coffee and shattered china, at least one of them knew my mental state was akin to the broken mug I swept up in a damp paper towel.

Once the mess was totally cleared up, Stefan and I sat down across from them. This was going to be difficult. Negotiations are full of eye contact and reading facial expressions, and the last time this man read any facial expression of mine, it was when I was in the midst of a screaming orgasm.

Now I couldn't fucking believe he was in my office, on business, of all times and places.

I had this professor in law school who would always go on about conflicts of interest. He always said that if sex, bribes, and/or blackmail were involved, or you felt there was potential for those things to happen, to "never accept the engagement". He would say this almost every time our class met.

I wish he would've taught us what to do when you already had sex with the defendant or in my case, opposing counsel.

"I've compiled a list of the assets that Ms. Pierce jointly owns with Mr. Salvatore," I stated as calmly as possible while I opened the massive folder of deeds and account statements. I looked at our lowball opening offer. "He is willing to give you half of your joint investments and the house in Alexandria if you settle out of court."

Tyler's expression was unreadable as he read through several notes on legal sheets that were clearly instructions for playing hardball and taking Stefan for everything he had. He looked up at me occasionally and I couldn't lie, I felt heat. My face was probably still flaming. I hadn't felt this mortified since I was in middle school and this bitch who I thought was my friend ran around and told the whole school about a boy I liked while everyone made fun of me.

Difference was, I wasn't held up to a standard of professional conduct in seventh grade, nor did I ever have sex with that boy at all let alone under the pretense that I might not see him again.

"I'm not settling for that," Katherine snapped. "At the very least, I want all of the houses, a 25% interest in Salvatore Shipping, and the inheritance." She tapped her fake nails on the glass tabletop. With how heightened my nerves and irritation threshold were right now, to me it sounded like she was running those horrid things down a chalkboard.

I suddenly felt like opening up the windows and yelling "FUCKMYLIFE!" out the window for all of Mystic Falls to hear.

"But the inheritance is not for Stefan to give you," I spoke with a little warning in my voice.

"Not according to the pre-nup," Tyler coolly replied as he produced a large stapled portfolio. "I assume you read it?" He slid a copy across the table. "Read the highlighted portion," he dictated in a manner I found a bit patronizing.

"Bequests and inheritances within the males of Salvatore family are to be treated as community property between husband and wife if the heir is alive and legally married prior to the bequest's release from probate court," I read as I felt my voice slightly dissipate.

Katherine looked back at me smugly. Stefan looked like he was getting his nuts twisted off. Tyler looked like he was hiding something else, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know what.

Right now I felt like a real-life female Lionel Hutz.

I hadn't asked Stefan about the status of the inheritance except that I knew most waited for six months in probate court but there were ways around that sometimes.

If that was the case though, we were stonewalled.

"If you agree to divorce me right now and not go to court, I'll give you all the houses. Take them, I don't want them," Stefan spoke up. Katherine was looking a little more interested.

Then Tyler whispered something in her ear. I glared at him, I couldn't help it. Had I ever glared at a defense attorney in a negotiation before? God I was a fucking mess today.

"We can start with the houses and a 50% ownership in Salvatore Shipping, and I'm ready to take this out in court," Katherine threatened. "Considering how little fun you let me have, I'm not settling for those houses alone."

Stefan was looking angrier by the minute and I couldn't blame him. His eyes were stormy as he looked to me to do something. I looked my opponents with my best poker face then decided it was time to speak up as I turned to Settlement Offer II.

"I propose the following settlement on behalf of Mr. Salvatore: the house in Alexandria, the condo in L.A., the brownstone in New York, the Swiss chalet, the wealth management accounts including two held jointly and one held by Mr. Salvatore alone, and the contents of any more joint bank accounts providing Ms. Pierce did not empty their contents in the first place."

"How dare you accuse my client of theft!" Tyler's ebon eyes burned into me and his tone almost made me jump. If this is how he was in a conference room, I bet he was terrifying in court...something I didn't want to find out but would probably have to at this rate.

"She did clean out one joint bank account held with Chase that originally held $20 million the day Stefan evicted her from their Alexandria residence," I stated as calmly as possible as I bravely looked Tyler in the eye. He looked even more devastatingly handsome now that I was staring him down sober, even though for the sake of my client and firm I had to pretend that Friday night didn't happen.

"But it was a joint account. Katherine's co-owner so that money's hers under the banking statutes."

I opened my file to the records from Chase, showing pages of highlighted transactions. "Not under the US Code, I don't think so," I refuted. Mimicking the tone he used earlier, I stared him down and said "Would you read the highlighted portion of this affidavit from the Fraud Prevention department of Chase Bank?"

Oh, he didn't like it when someone played his own game back at him. I resisted the urge to smile because he looked pissed off right now.

I slid the affidavit across the table and he roughly grabbed it. "I certify that primary account holder Stefan Salvatore made 98% of the deposits to Savings Account 25980235738. Joint account holder Katherine Pierce deposited $100,000 upon opening the account in 2007 and has not made any deposits since."

"Then you see here," I pointed to a withdrawal slip in the binder, "There's an order to have $20 million withdrawn in cash with Katherine's signature on it. At least $19,900,000 of that money is rightfully Stefan's. So yes, I am accusing your client of theft."

I think I saw Katherine waver, and was that fear I saw in her eyes just now?

Despite this little victory, my heart was still palpitating a million times a minute. I silently prayed that my nerves weren't showing. Every fucking second I spent in this room discussing Stefan's assets that Katherine wanted to grab, I couldn't help but remember when Tyler was grabbing my assets and I had to admit that this powerplay was getting me hot, nerve-wracking as it was.

A quick peek through the glass tabletop...and he clearly was having the same thoughts, judging by that huge tent in his pants.

Oh christ.

He was probably staring past my skirt through the table the entire time I was going through the pre-nup and asset files. Stupid glass! Was being able to tell these things the reason why Klaus chose a glass tabletop for this room?

My face felt so hot right now. I could vaguely feel Tyler undressing me with his eyes again as I tried to carry on with my job. But then Stefan spoke up. "Look, I just want this over. I don't even care about that joint account anymore. I'll give you the houses, the investment accounts, some of the buildings we've had in the family for years, but you're not touching my business. The board of directors is never going to allow that kind of hostile takeover. You're going to have to take me to court if you want that business. You'll have to pry the corporate charter from my cold, dead hands."

Tyler was about to say something but Katherine cut him off. "Fine then, I've been wanting to go to court unless you give me everything right now."

"Our final offer-" I began but Stefan held his hand up.

"You know, I think this business and that inheritance were the only reasons you married me," he spat at Katherine. "Which is why I want this divorce in the first place. If you just wanted half of everything maybe you should've gone off with some poor bastard in California instead of bothering with me in the first place. You're phony, shallow, and just want to maintain your current lifestyle so you won't have to hold down a real job or do anything important after your dad dies."

Eyes stormy with conviction, Stefan stared down both his ex and a man I couldn't tell if I liked or hated right now.

"That's not true! I have a real job! I'm an icon! And I do have a clothing line!"

I looked at Stefan incredulously then carefully back at Tyler, who looked just as amused. I could tell he was trying not to laugh as was I, it would be of poor professionalism.

Like fucking the opposing counsel barely 48 hours before the settlement negotiation is so professional! that nagging inner voice shouted at me to remind me that despite being deep in negotiation right now, that I was still scared shitless and my heart wasn't somehwere in my chest. I was at least left alone to my thoughts for a minute or two while Stefan and Katherine continued their shouting match before Tyler broke it.

Also, have I mentioned that lawyers and accountants also often get stuck being de facto marriage counselors? And how much that sucks? Some days I really understand why Milton in Office Space just loses it and sets the building on fire.

(Be sure to really bill the living crap out of bickering couples, FTR.)

This went on for some time until it was apparent that Katherine would only settle out of court if she got a huge part of the family business and the inheritance, and we had to throw in the towel: going to court was going to be our only option.

Retreating to my office, Tyler and I drew up the papers to be taken to divorce court, the nearest one which was in Arlington. I was getting ready to track down Candra or our messenger who appeared to be missing in action, when I looked out the window and saw a huge crowd of people milling around outside, apparently curious onlookers trying to get pictures or autographs of Katherine.

I inwardly groaned. This was not good.

I walked back to my office, divorce papers still in tow. "Ms. Pierce-"

"You'll direct all questions to me, Ms. Forbes," Tyler declared icily.

"I had no questions," I shot back. "I just thought that your client should be aware that her...fans and the media are outside."

And that I and my office are a total fucking mess today. And I cannot believe that the biggest case of the year so far, with all this media attention, I spent several hours doing indescribably filthy things to the defense attorney. FUCKMYLIFE, I'm debating early retirement. Maybe I'll open one of those basket-weaving shops that only does business during tourist season and sporadically online.

I let Katherine pretend-bicker about the people outside, I know she was really getting off the attention, and watched in amusement from a distance as Tyler refused to let Stefan to speak to her while I called a bonded courier service to get the divorce papers filed. This led Tyler to remark, "What kind of law office is this?" and that genuinely pissed me off. I had to at least look important right now.

"CANDRA!" I yelled. "Serve those papers on Carl's desk! And for god's sake make more coffee!"

I really needed Bonnie here more than ever. I briefly wondered if I could get an injunction against a ten-year-old for making my assistant and bestie sick.

We were concluding our business, when Tyler took one of my business cards off my desk then stated, "We'll be in touch, Ms. Forbes." prior to shaking my hand. I could barely look him in the eye. I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

His handshake was warm and spoke of ulterior motives. I kept expecting him to wink at me.

But as Katherine got swept up in the paparazzi milling around my office that made me want to camp out in here instead, he did turn around to give me one more smoldering look. I thought he was going to get on the elevator door since it opened but he didn't, it got called back down again.

Instead, with Katherine downstairs and Stefan in my office and almost no one up here (Candra was assumingly using Lexi's computer to blog about her pointless life while Lexi was in court), Tyler's power-lawyer persona dropped and he suddenly addressed me as Caroline, more softly this time as I was walking back to the office kitchen. He was waiting for the elevator to come back up.

I kept my distance in a manner that said I find this very suspect.

"Yes?"

"Isn't this funny...I called about twenty Best Buy stores in the greater Newport News area looking for one that employed any hot blondes named Caroline."

I gritted my teeth. "Tyler, this isn't funny right now." I just wanted to go home. I felt like I might faint. My heart had moved up into my throat and replaced the cavity in my chest with lead.

He looked nonplussed. "Just wanted to know why you pulled that disappearing act."

Suddenly I felt like I got hit in the head with an anvil, like I might teeter on my pumps if my feet weren't totally glued in there by sugary coffee. I wished I had my own attorney representing me right now that could say, "Don't answer that!"

Fortunately for me, some force out there decided I had enough torture for the day and the elevator returned with Klaus and Carl in tow. Tyler nodded at them.

"Good afternoon, sirs. I was just discussing the case with the counsel here," he said before he headed into the elevator himself. The stoney air he had in the conference room returned. "See you in court." It almost sounded like a threat. I immediately stared away from the elevator as it closed then lowered into the bowels of the building.

"Good," Klaus beamed. "You show Mason & Brady LLP what we're made of! I expect you to get a lot of billable hours of this, Caroline." Carl glared at me a little until he went to his desk and started bemoaning a lack of assistants under his breath.

"Yes, sir," I mumbled meekly. "I'm...just going to get myself another coffee. Got to read up on their pre-nup and all."

I waited until Klaus was back in his office and Carl got preoccupied yelling at Candra before I did a runner to the executive bathroom just past the partners' wing. I once saw Lexi punch the code in and I memorized it, saving my trips there for extremely good, or extremely bad, events that merited it. This was such an occasion.

Once I made it inside and locked the door, I lurched forward and puked until I had almost nothing left inside. I had been holding that in since I entered the conference room and saw Tyler there.

The phrase of the day was "I couldn't fucking believe this." I said it in my head over and over again as the paltry contents of my breakfast came back up.

Of all the law firms Katherine could've used...all the attorneys out there...or if she had to stick with Mason & Brady LLP, don't they have two senior and three junior partners and about ten other lawyers working for them...

I wasn't feeling much like a master of the fucking universe right now.

Fuck. What did I get myself into? Better yet how would I get out of this?

This long, tortuous day couldn't end soon enough. I had some time to get a good defense ready for Stefan, and would find out in two days which judge we were getting. But my mind, and to a lesser extent my body, felt too fragile to come up with a good defense against Katherine and her gorgeous smack-talking attorney right now.

I told Klaus that I wasn't feeling well and promised to do some work from home, which in actuality sounded like a good idea once I said it out loud.

Thankfully Team Katherine had evacuated the parking lot by now. I guess I must've been in the bathroom longer than I thought. I got in my car and called Bonnie.

"Hello?" It sounded like I woke her up, she still sounded pretty miserable.

"Bon? I have to see you right now."

"Caroline...I'm feeling a bit better, but come on, I'm still basically supposed to be quarantined. Jeremy won't go within ten feet of me. I'm highly contagious and you can't afford to get sick right now!"

"I'll take some Cipro before I go to your house then. What if I told you there was cough syrup, pizza, and chick flicks in it?"

"You win."

I removed my don't-fuck-with-me heels that weren't feeling very don't-fuck-with-me, I was relieved to remove those sticky painful things from my feet. Upon closer inspection, I realized I also got puke on the left toe.

Jesus, that never even happened when I was drunk.

I put on my comfortable although filthy driving sneakers and drove home to change clothes and raid my DVD collection before making stops at a drug store and Bonnie's favorite pizza joint.

She was laying on the couch, still looking a little peaked, but brightened at the goodies I had in tow.

"Mushroom pizza, Robitussin DM, and both Sex and the City movies. It's a carbo-loading tripping balls chick flick fest?" Bonnie questioned.

"Yes it is," I declared. "Now I need a fucking drink."

"Tell me all about it," she replied as she helped herself to the cough syrup and some pizza. "Booze is above the fridge."

After pouring myself a tall glass that was more Bacardi than Coke, I sighed and tried to look as level-headed as possible. I wasn't sure where to begin.

"So the office was a total fucking mess today. Candra has the same brainpower as Ralph Wiggum except he had some actual entertainment value. We need you back so bad!"

"I'm feeling a little better, I might be able to come back to work tomorrow after I get a lot of sleep tonight."

That news made me feel a little better too. "But that's not all..."

"Oh yeah, how did the big settlement negotiation go? I heard the media was outside your office! Did you talk to any reporters?"

"We're going to court."

She looked a little crestfallen that I didn't share her enthusiasm. "Figured."

"But that's not all." I felt my knees start to buckle at the mere memory of walking into Conference Room A.

"Oh?" Bonnie could sense my distress as I sat down on the opposite end of her ratty but comfortable couch. "What happened? I can tell something's wrong."

"You're never going to believe who the opposing counsel is." I took a huge swig of my rum and coke that was maybe three drops of Coke.

"Who?" She was getting interested now. "Is is that same lawyer you said you never wanted to deal with again after that wrongful death case you lost against that huge pharma corp?"

"No...worse."

"Did you ever deal with this lawyer before?"

"Yes and no."

She furrowed her brow. "What do you mean by that?"

"I've never dealt with this guy in the courtroom..." I had to spit it out now. "That hot guy I went home with at Vickie's club?Best sex of my life, who I thought I'd never see again? He's Katherine's lawyer."

Bonnie almost dropped her pizza. "Get the fuck out of here."

"Yeah, of all the guys whose business card I didn't get last Friday..."

"That...is just plain out of this fucking world. He's a lawyer? HER lawyer? Wow, the world works in mysterious ways." She shook her head.

"I can't ask Klaus to reassign the case or Stefan to find other representation. They'll want to know why."

"That's a tough call...what do you think you're going to do?"

"Just carry on with the case like nothing happened. What the hell else can I do?" I paused. "Hell, after we drew up the divorce court documents, it was him, NOT me, who asked why I pulled a 'disappearing act'. His words, exactly!"

Bonnie was just incredulous. "You know that guys most of the time only pretend they don't want you around after sex. Women are sold a lot of myths...that's one of them. They actually like it when you want to stick around. And I bet he would've offered to pay for your cab ride!"

"Come on, I woke up almost 90 miles from home! And I have too much pride to ask a man for something like that or to just expect it." I paused. "I can pay for my own cab rides but damn, he tore that new dress almost clean off me. I think the driver would've charged me closer to $250 if it hadn't been for that nip-slip he probably got when I fell asleep in the back seat."

It felt good to laugh with my bestie again. With how hellish this week had been, it felt like it had been months instead of just days that we had been just laughing and making fun of things together. Amazing how we take some things and people for granted sometimes.

"But Caroline, this is serious though. So you can't back out of the case. But do you think anyone might've found out about that night? Team Stefan and Team Katherine be damned, if the press gets wind of this...well, maybe it'd better to back out while you could..."

Yes, I thought of that. I could get fired. Maybe even disbarred since this was technically a conflict of interest.

But I have my pride and dignity, goddammit.

With my BFF back at work tomorrow, and spending enough time on the Virginia Matrimonial Code plus the pre-nup agreement I bet Katherine and Stefan probably never read, I could probably come up with a good defense before the proceedings began.

And I would just have to learn how to ignore that criminally sensual dress-ripper representing that talentless tart.

Ignore, or play hard to get.

Tyler and Caroline are about to have their face-off in court.

Will she keep her cool this time and not be dropping coffee on everyone's shoes? Or...is Tyler going to be the one who totally loses it since he still doesn't have explanation for why she denied him a morning-after?

What will they both find out about their respective clients that will shock the both of them?

Reviews are better than pizza and rum and coke with your BFF...so don't forget to review, and keep on Story Alert for the next installment!