January 1, 2010

Brand new year. Usually a time of hope. I'm not sure what it is for me.

Chris said something to me last night and I've been thinking about it since. Just before midnight. He looked at me and told me eventually I was going to have to make a decision. Wekser had taken so much of my life, but would I let him take any more of it?

Then he gently held my face in his hands and kissed me at midnight. I don't know that he's ever kissed me like that before in all our years together.

And I didn't want to run away.

January 17, 2010

I feel like I've spent the last few weeks just processing. Everything that happened. The things that happened to me. That happened in the outside world. Some things I'm not prepared to process. They just hurt too much. The thought of them alone leave me a quivering puddle on the floor.

At my insistence, we have upped our sparring matches. Chris feared he would hurt me. I had to laugh. When he was on the ground I think he finally realized the extent of the changes I still carry with me. The look on his face... he's never looked at me like that before. With fear. But maybe it had to happen for him to understand. I don't think he will make the mistake of underestimating me again.

Claire showed up at the cabin a few days ago. I can remember our friendship in my head, but I can't feel it any longer. She hugged me before Chris could stop her and she seemed upset when I didn't return the gesture. I don't know what she expected of me.

The BSAA is still requesting that I come in. But they won't tell me any details. I have declined.

January 24, 2010

I have never, in all my years, seen Chris Redfield embarrassed. Until today. The look of utter surprise on his face when I walked into the bathroom and found him getting out of the shower was something I will never forget.

I thought I had forgotten how to laugh, really laugh.

Until today.

February 2, 2010

There were times after Wesker used me, that he would send me back to my cell... the door never had to be locked since I was forbidden to leave... he would send me back then make me sleep on the floor. Not that the mattress he had on the floor was much, but it wasn't the floor. No matter what time of year it was, the floor was always freezing cold.

It took me a long time to figure out why he did it. At least besides the power of it. In the end he had ultimate control over me and he knew it. But that wasn't enough. He wanted to humiliate me as well. To shame me into feeling less than I was.

In some ways he succeeded.

Sometimes I wonder if he did it because he knew what it would do to Chris if he knew. He hated me, hated what I stood for. But he hated Chris more.

February 14, 2010

I woke up this morning sprawled across Chris. He laughed when I asked about it, asked me how I thought I had been sleeping. Truthfully I hadn't thought about it much, just assumed we had kept to our sides of the bed. He didn't let me go, kept his arms around me and laughed again. Then he asked when I last had a nightmare.

It's been a while, but I don't really keep track of the days. I realized it had been a few weeks at least. I'd even had nights where I don't remember bad dreams. Dreams at all really. When did this happen? I'm not sure.

It didn't occur to me until later... I felt safe. Laying there with him. Safe.

February 26, 2010

My birthday is in a few days. Am I thankful to be having another one? I don't know for sure. Getting older wasn't something I ever thought much about really.

But now I wonder if any of it was worth it. I mean, have I done anything with my life? Has anything I've done made a difference? I don't have the answer to that either.

I know all the pain I caused. All the damage. Maybe the rest of my life is about making amends for that.

March 10, 2010

I agreed to meet with the BSAA. As anticipated they wanted a full medical work up. They also had the nerve to ask when I planned on returning to the field.

Truth is, I don't think I ever will. I'm not sure there will ever be a point in time I won't be a liability out there.

There was a welcome party there as well. People who mostly seemed genuinely happy to see me. But I didn't know what to say to them. They left me for dead out there. Never believed I was alive. Would I have done the same to them? I would like to think the answer is no. But since I'm not that Jill Valentine any more I don't know.

March 29, 2010

Screaming. All I could hear was screaming. And the sound of the little girl crying, sharp heart breaking sobs. The first one. I can't forget her, no matter how hard I try. She didn't have a chance to be infected before she was ripped apart. And even though I didn't do it myself, I'm the reason it happened.

I tried covering my ears to block out the sound. But it didn't help.

Then I heard his voice calling my name. "Jill, you're all right. You're here. With me."

The noise changed then and I felt Chris pick me up. Louie was barking. It was the bark he uses when he's nervous, agitated about something. And waves, I could hear the waves.

Somehow I had fallen asleep outside on the chair. I was shivering, sunset in full effect and despite the relative warmth of the day it was fading fast. The sand not even warm now. At least that's what I told myself. I had no other reason for it, right?

"There's no screaming here," he whispered in my ear. "It's just the waves." Chris carried me inside, Louie barking at his heels and when he set me down on the couch I didn't want him to let me go.

And he didn't. He's never let me go.