Chapter 3

Shane quickly finished his leftovers for breakfast. He was too anxious to continue reading. He could actually see Mitchie in his mind writing everything down. He could see her smile and frown and cry as she poured out all her emotions in those pages.

He had already finished a dozen entries. The first one answering one of his questions – Why Mitchie broke up with him, the rest giving him an insight of how difficult it had been for her. She was pregnant, feeling sick and alone. He felt terrible for her and wished he could have been there for her.

Shane flung the Chinese take-out box into the bin and flopped on the couch again. He grabbed the journal again, open to the page he had folded and started reading again…

Shane,

I don't think I can be the funny and cheerful girl that I used to be. I think I'm going to be a serious broody person just like you are. Well, sometimes…

I went to your garage this morning. It just doesn't look empty. It feels empty, too. Everything's unpleasantly different without you here. I couldn't help but cry when I saw your couch, your drum set, your guitar…all gone. I couldn't stay long there and I don't think I can ever go back.

My parents know about the baby already. Mom saw the test in my drawer. I guess it's okay. It's not like I was going to hide it from them. They'll find out sooner or later anyway. Dad's very upset. I think that's an understatement. He didn't say anything but I guess his silence speaks volumes. Mom's crying. A lot. I feel terrible. I don't know what to do. I miss you so much. I wish you were here to make everything all right.

I love you (so much),

Mitchie

Shane wondered how Mitchie handled the disappointment her parents showed. He knew how bad Mitchie always felt when she knew her parents would be upset. Like the time she failed Math. She couldn't stop crying. But her parents just laughed it off and got her a tutor, cuddled and kissed her and told her she could do better next time. They'd do anything for their baby girl. But this was different. They couldn't tell her to do better next time. She simply could not do better the next time. There was simply no next time. Shane turned to the next page...

Shane,

I know I can pass without telling you this. But I can't sleep not telling you about what happened this morning. I love you too much. Lying once to you was hard enough let alone a second time.

Caitlyn and Ella know my "little secret" now. I told them yesterday. They're shocked. Who wouldn't be? Little Miss Sunshine, Michelle Torres – Pregnant? But they said they were going to be there for me no matter what. They got me these brochures from God knows where and one of them discussed abortion. I know it's all against my morals but Shane, I really don't have a lot of options right now.

So this morning, I went to the clinic – to get an abortion. But don't get mad at me yet. Caitlyn was there. Thank God for Caitlyn! She talked me out of it. And I realized I couldn't forgive myself for doing this. So I went home, dreading myself for almost killing my baby. God, I'm evil! I almost killed someone! My own child!

Ella scolded me for even thinking of doing that and told me it wasn't an easy way out. But hey, who gave me those brochures? But they swore they didn't know that brochure about abortion was there and they beat their selves up for not checking.

Mom found out about it, too. She heard us talking about it. She finally talked to me. She told me that one wrong thing can't be undone by another wrong thing…Something like that. She told me I was her daughter and she loved me no matter what. And she'll do everything she can to help me out. I love her!

I'm really sorry Shane for even thinking of doing that. But it's not too late. Baby's still here. Baby's still safe.

Mitchie

Shane put the letter down and cried. Sasha was almost non-existent. But he was glad that Mitchie didn't continue with the abortion. He knew Mitchie couldn't do it. She had a heart of gold. She'd feel terrible if a cat dies. And to think she's even allergic to cats. How would she feel if a baby was killed? Her own baby. And how would she feel if she knew she killed it? Shane didn't want to even think about it. He was just relieved that he had a beautiful little daughter. His only problem was how to get to her…and her mother.

Hey Shane,

I saw our baby this morning. Well not exactly. Well, I went to the doctor...after a lot of urging from Mom. She forced me into it. She said things about how it would be much easier if I did. That it would be better for me…and for the baby. That scared me. It really hasn't settled in that I'M PREGNANT. And it scared me because it's my responsibility to make sure everything goes well for the baby.

So there, I went to the clinic with my mom. I got a lot of stares and glares. I mean who wouldn't glare at an18-year-old in a bright yellow sundress sitting at the waiting area of the maternity ward? I should have dressed appropriately. Well not exactly. But I should have dressed like someone older. Like a 30-year-old. Like someone who knew what she was doing. Like a mother instead of looking like a baby. But I guess that's the price I have to pay. I wanted to get out of there so badly.

Then, finally, the nurse called me in. I felt relieved…for a moment. I remembered I hated doctors. And I was so sure I was going to hate this one most of all. I already had other people who don't even know my name judge me. I don't need an expert doing that. But guess what? Dr. Daniels is wonderful! She was very mature in handling the situation. I loved the way she looked at me without that look of judgment. She was the sweetest person I've ever met. Sweeter than my kindergarten teacher. Okay that was totally off-topic. Anyway, she asked me a lot of embarrassing questions, though and touched me in places I wasn't used to being touched. Except by you, of course. Ugh. Why did I even write that down?

Then she told me I could see the baby. She got the sonogram machine out and did her what she had to do. You really had to have the eye look at those damn pictures! I didn't even see our baby. Even when I squinted. Dr. Daniels must have noticed that so she helped me sit up and pointed on the screen. I felt my heart flutter. But I didn't know what I was feeling. The baby was so tiny. It looked like a peanut. I think I saw it move a little. It sent shivers down my spine. Not that I was scared. Okay, maybe I was. A little bit. I just realized how much I loved that little thing growing inside of me! I love our baby!

Dr. Daniels printed out a picture. It wasn't the prettiest of all pictures but to me it's the best. I keep it under the pillow I sleep on. I don't display it for the entire world to see. I don't think I can be the proudest of all mothers right now. Not in this situation. But I'm happy.

In fact, I think this was one of the happiest days of my life. But I miss you so much that it hurts. I don't know what part of my body exactly hurts but I can feel the pain. I hope he doesn't feel it. Yeah, HE. I just have a feeling that our baby's a boy – like you. Shane Jr.. Can I call him that? I don't really like the sound of 'the baby.' It sounds so…distant.

I'm feeling really down and sad right now. I wish you were here to share every moment with me. It would have been a lot better. A LOT. I really really miss you. Sometimes I think "what would it have been like if I didn't let you go?"

Come to think of it, this was also one of the saddest days of my life.

Love,

Mitchie

Happy Halloween! :D