For the whole day, Castiel attempted to figure out what it was Dean could not tell him.
He stayed close to the Winchesters, as they interviewed various people. They were asking about about strange happenings in hopes of finding the witch's whereabouts. They ate lunch in a local pub and spent dinner at a diner, researching. Castiel nearly always had his eyes on Dean, studying his actions and movements. That same vacant look of thought would come over the human's face every so often, leaving Cas to wonder what was on his mind.
Castiel thought, since they were closer than ever, that Dean would be able to openly say anything to him. They had shared everything from their awkward first sexual encounter, to admitting their favorite guilty pleasures. What could Dean possibly have to hide from him? The answer seemed to come to him after hours of guessing...He couldn't tell Castiel, because it related to Castiel.
It was the only explanation that seemed to fit. But what was it about Cas that Dean couldn't bare to share? Dean had told him everything; even stated the words 'I love you,' which was a gigantic accomplishment for both of them. Castiel had seen this sort of behavior from Dean before. When Dean had arguments with his brother, he would sometimes look like he was about to say something. But then his mouth would close and he would walk away; as if what he was thinking might hurt Sam too much, and he couldn't bare to hurt him.
Castiel wondered if he was doing the same to him; attempting to hold in hurtful things to spare the angel's grief.
Was Dean wanting to ask for something, that he knew Castiel could not give? Was he craving human interaction again? Perhaps Dean missed the simplicity of natural sex. Perhaps he was recalling past sexual partners, such as Rhonda Hurley. Perhaps he longed for the comforts of female companionship. It seemed to be the only thing Castiel could think of that Dean might assume he could not offer him.
Castiel's heart felt very heavy after coming to this conclusion. He sat in silence in the backseat of the impala, pondering over what he could do to remedy the situation. He stared down at the seat, recalling the rainy day in South America when they took refuge in that very spot.
"Cas?"
Castiel glanced up at Sam, who turned in his seat to look at him. Actual concern was in his eyes.
"You okay? You're pretty quiet," he said.
Castiel brought his eyes to the rear view mirror, where he met Dean's emerald stare. Dean, also, looked concerned. It caused Castiel physical pain to see Dean's beautiful eyes. He wanted to tell him that he would give him anything; no matter the cost. He knew, however, that Sam would not wish to hear their private conversation. He glanced back to the younger Winchester.
"I'm fine," Cas replied quietly.
As Castiel turned his attention back to the seat, he heard Sam whisper, 'you need to talk to him.' From the corner of his eye, Castiel could see Dean nod to his brother. The rest of the ride back to the motel was silent. The angel in the backseat attempted to ready his words, knowing a conversation was in his near future.
Dean and Sam traded information when they got out of the car at the motel. Sam had purchased his own room, and had agreed to try to find the witch by morning.
"She's gotta be close to that orphanage," Sam said, gathering the papers off the hood, "kids don't just turn into frogs when they misbehave. 'Night, Dean. I'll be in room eleven."
"Okay. See you in the morning, Sammy," Dean replied picking up his duffel bag.
"Cas," Sam said, giving a cheerful wave, "you guys don't get too rowdy. My window better still be intact tomorrow."
Castiel nodded as Sam turned to walk away. He felt Dean take his hand and start for their own room. Castiel sighed heavily as he looked down at their joined hands. Was Dean secretly wishing that it belonged to another body?
Dean led the way in, flipping the light on and tossing his bag on the floor. He strode over to sit on one of the beds, bending over to take off his shoes. There was a peaceful smile on his face, though Castiel was aching inside.
"I could get used to this," he said, "Sam getting his own room. You and me sharing -"
Dean's smile faded away when his eyes met Castiel's. He could apparently see the distress Cas was feeling. The angel shifted his feet as he stared down at Dean's precious face. He wanted to ask Dean, before it killed him inside.
"Dean," he said, taking a shaky breath, "do you require female companionship?"
Dean blinked, unsure if he was hearing Cas correctly. The angel stood by the closed door, seeming serious.
"What?" he said, lost.
"Because, if you do, I – I can try to acquire a new vessel," he went on, "it may take a little coaxing, but I believe that if I speak enough, I could -"
"Cas," Dean said, shaking his head, "What are you talking about?"
Cas took another breath, his big blue eyes full of desperation and pain. Dean stood up from the bed, worried about him. What the hell could have made Cas think this?!
"Anyone of your choosing, Dean," he kept going, "I'll try to -"
"Stop," Dean said, taking hold of Cas's pained face, "Just stop. Where the hell is this coming from?"
"It's what you won't share with me, isn't it? You're trying to spare my feelings, by not saying you miss being with others. I understand, Dean. I -"
"No," Dean nearly shouted, appalled by the very thought, "stop it!"
So, this was what Cas had been doing all day. He'd been jumping to the worst damn conclusions just because Dean had trouble keeping his thoughts to himself. The pain in Cas's blue eyes tore Dean's heart nearly in two. Geez, it was just like when they kept their secret from Sam. Why did everyone feel the need to think the worst things?!
"Cas," Dean began gently, attempting to calm the angel down, "I don't want anything else but what you already are."
Cas seemed to like this statement. Dean kept going, wanting to make it clear.
"Baby, I fell in love with this vessel. This face is the one I get excited to see. These lips," he traced them with his thumb, "are the ones I wanna kiss. Don't even get me started on those damn eyes..." he said, staring deeply into them.
A twitch of a smile appeared briefly on Cas's face.
"This whole time we've been together, I've never complained," Dean whispered, feeling full of emotion, "Because I love you, dammit. Not just this meat suit you're walking around in. I like having sex with you, and your hot-as-hell wings, okay? I may not ever know what you really look like, but this," he said, bringing his hand to rest over the center of Cas's chest, "this is good enough for me."
Cas finally seemed to understand. He nodded a little, his eyes seeming clearer. Dean wrapped him into a fierce hug, holding him close while he beat himself up in his mind. God, he was such a dickhead. Why couldn't he have just told Cas before, instead of letting him go crazy with worry? He should have known better, after seeing what it did to Sam.
Dean pulled back to kiss the angel's lips. Cas's hands came up to cling to the front of Dean's shirt, plunging into it with full force. Maybe it was the time, now, to tell him what he had really been thinking about for the last few days. Cas, though, pulled away to speak before Dean could.
"You really like my wings, Dean?" he asked.
Dean smiled, glad Cas was feeling better.
"Hell yes," he answered, "I'm pretty sure they're the only things in the world that will give me an instant boner."
Cas grinned, his gorgeous blue eyes seeming to light up with heat.
"Can we consider tonight a special occasion?" he asked, "because I'd like to show them to you again."
(Author's Note: Please don't hate me if this chapter gave you feels! *hides behind bed* I didn't realize how much it hurt until I wrote it out. I'm so sorry! :( I just have a good understanding of leaping to the worst conclusions. Don't we all? But, at least we get to see some sexy-angel-fun-time in the next chapter. I hope you stick around for it. :) As always, your amazing reviews are on the top of my 'most favorite things' list. Thank you all for them! I love you guys! Chapter five is coming soon.)