Chapter Three: Confessions and Lyrics

Despite how much I prayed and how many times I told myself that it was just a mistake, I couldn't make the guilt go away. It was a darkness eating up at me. I felt so empty and alone and everything that's not me. I want to scream and tear open my body; make all the darkness go away. I felt so sick with myself. There was something else too, but at the time, I couldn't figure out what it was.

I decided that maybe it was the fact I had not only drank alcohol, but I lied about it that was making me feel this way. I needed to vent, but who to? Sure, God was always there ready to listen, but he wasn't going to talk back… at least not vocally, so I picked up my cell phone and dialed Lilly's number.

"Hello." she answered.

"Hi, it's me." I said.

"Oh, hey, Miley! How have you been? Sorry I haven't called you since your birthday. I still have tons of homework to do."

"Yeah, me too." I said. I took a deep breath before asking a question I already knew the answer to. "Lilly, I can tell you anything, right?"

"Of course. What is it? Are you and Jake dating again? Cause I saw you two with your googley-eyes at…"

"No!" I cut her off quickly… too quickly.

"What is it, then? Is something wrong?"

"You know I had Hannah's birthday party, right --"

"I got you two gifts! I'm really sorry I couldn't come."

"No, it's not that. What I mean is, something happened at the party."

"What?"

I had to focus on the words and force them out of my mouth. "I kind of accidentally got a little drunk."

"Drunk? Kind of? Accidentally?" Lilly shouted into my ear.

"Uh, yeah."

"How? How can you kind of, accidentally get drunk?"

"Well, here's how you do it." I replied, my voice thick with sarcasm to cover up the pain. "First you think that your crush likes you back. Then, you catch him with some other girl. After that, you dedicate a song to him. Next step is running away crying. After your -- someone notices you upset, they bring you some spiked punch."

"Wow." Lilly said. "Who knew it could be so easy."

"I'm serious."

"I know. Well, what was it like? Being drunk, I mean?"

The question caught me off guard. I didn't give the experience itself much thought. What was it like? I let my mind roam back to that night. It was fun at first. I felt happy and carefree. Of course, my spinning head wasn't enjoyable. Then I spilled out my secrets to Cory. That wasn't good either. "It was weird." I decided finally.

"Did you get sick? Does your dad know? Did the press see you?"

"No, no, and no."

"Well, I really don't know what to say. It wasn't your fault if you didn't know. My advice is just forget about it."

"Yeah, I guess."

"It was an honest mistake."

"I know."

"So stop beating yourself up over it. I know you wouldn't have told me if it wasn't bugging you so much. Just let it go."

"You don't think I should tell my dad?"

"Well...that would probably be the right thing to do." Lilly paused. "But, I think, it's too risky. He may get a little too protective over Hannah."

"True."

"Also, he has a lot on his mind."

Lilly was talking about Mawma. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer and has been undergoing chemotherapy. I tried not to think about that. It was easier if I blocked it all out.

"Miley, you there?" Lilly's voice brought me back down to earth.

"Yeah, sorry."

"So, aside from accidentally getting drunk, how are you?"

"Good." I lied and started laughing.

"That good, huh?" Lilly giggles.

"Yeah. I mean, things are stressful... but I know things could be worse."

"I guess. Well, I really got to go, Miley. I have to write some dumb essay by tomorrow. See you at school!"

I should've started working on my ever growing pile of homework, but I couldn't find the energy or motivation. Deep in my mind, I thought it very trivial, what with Mawma being so sick. I didn't let myself acknowledge these thoughts until I was forced to. I told myself it was because I was so tired and simply didn't feel like it. I knew I had to get a grip before Dad caught on. Lately he's been so busy writing lyrics, worrying about his mom, and keeping his mind distracted when time allowed. He started hanging out with some of his old buddies.

I thought about reading the Bible, but decided against it. Then I thought about cleaning and doing chores, but no, that didn't sound good either. I finally decided to call some of Hannah's friends and see if there was anything fun going on tonight… nothing. So I decided to write some songs. I got out the song book Lilly got me and started scribbling in it:

Oh, and you let me go.

It's so dark and cold here

On my own.

Oh, and you're slipping away

It's so unfamiliar and scary

I don't like it this way.

God's hand is reaching out to me

But the darkness makes it impossible to see.

Somehow, even though I didn't realize it at the time, those lyrics explained exactly what was wrong. I was slipping away from God.

The next day I went to school which was a complete blur. I had no idea what half of my teachers were talking about. And if it's even possible, I think I may fail home room this year! I knew if things got any worse, Dad would get a call from the school. That was the last thing I needed. But I had a plan to prevent that from happening. No, I wasn't going to do my work. That would be too hard. Besides, who really needs math? And does it really matter when some old man died?

"Rico, how is my favorite...freakishly smart person?" I approached the school's genius and also (to my benefit) the greediest student.

"What do you want?" Rico caught on quickly. "Get on with it."

"Well," I pulled out a large sum of money from my book bag.

His mouth dropped and he was practically drooling. "What do I have to do?"

"My homework. But don't do it too good! Miss some problems. Make some mistakes. I don't need to be suspected of cheating."

"You? Money? Cheat?" Rico's eyes were wide with confused. "You would never cheat."

"Well, Rico, maybe some of you has rubbed off on me."

"Even I wouldn't stoop that low." He laughed. "I would never give money away."

"Whatever. Just do it, will you?" I waved the money in front of him.

He grabbed the money and nodded.

"Keep this a secret. No one knows." I said and reached out my hand, "Pleasure doing business with you, Rico."

Before he shook my hand he said, "One question: where did you get this kind of money?"

"Lets just say I have a really good paying after school job."

"Nothing illegal, right?"

I laughed. "No."

It was dumb. I realized that I really should be doing my own homework, especially when tests come, but I'd be able to catch up later. Once everything mellowed down and Hannah wasn't so busy... I'd get back to being Miley. That's what I told myself, anyway. I didn't realize then how much worse things were going to get. I didn't realize that after awhile, I wouldn't want to be Miley anymore.

To Be Continued...

Yeah, so I don't have money to pay a little smart boy to do my schoolwork (homeschooled), so I better go start that stuff right now :( I swear to you, whoever decided we must know algebra is a very cruel person. Thank you, Jesus.Lives for beta reading :)