Chapter 4: The Perfidious Princess

In which Arthur casts a magic spell, Ivan receives some advice, and Alfred takes a bath.

For some reason, Alfred got the sense that Kiku's new princess didn't like him very much, but he was determined to not let mutual dislike get in the way of a rescue mission. All princesses had their quirks, though he had to admit that Princess Arthur was particularly baffling and intriguing—one moment claiming to know nothing but useless princess skills, the next moment saying that he could use daggers and magical spells.

He was strange in other ways. Princesses were supposed to be pretty or beautiful, but Arthur was neither. His constant scowl did nothing for his appearance and his hair resembled a bird's nest. Arthur had clearly failed "Smiling Class" at Princess School given his grouchy and grumpy exterior.

And Alfred suspected that Arthur's eyebrows resulted from a terrible curse. That would explain why the princess was so sensitive to comments about them.

But the knight was an equal-opportunity princess-rescuer, so he wasn't going to let a mildly disagreeable personality and messy hair stop him from fulfilling his self-imposed mission. Now all he had to do was figure out a way to find the ingredients Arthur requested for his magical spell and he would never have to deal with Arthur again…

"You know how I promised you a normal princess?" Alfred said to his horse.

"Sorry about that."

Contrary to appearances, Alfred wasn't stupid. He knew that getting a plank of wood from the Magical Forest was a Bad Idea (i.e. an idea so bad it required Capital Letters). The trees protected their own and woe betide anyone who attempted to cut them down. The last woodcutter who wandered into the forest had been eaten by an ent.

So Alfred went back to Elizabeta's Inn and asked his friend for help. She happily obliged, once Alfred told her the story of what she called his 'first date' with Princess Arthur.

"A horseback ride in the woods is so romantic," she said wistfully.

"Uh, sure. Thanks for the stuff, Liz!"

Alfred honestly didn't know what Elizabeta was talking about half the time, but he had learned long ago that it was easiest to just smile and agree and then leave at the first opportunity. Alfred waited until Eliza was distracted by a dark-haired bard entering her inn and made his escape.

On his way back to Kiku's cave, Alfred rescued a kitten from a tree, helped an old lady across the road, and inadvertently caused a flare-up of international tensions when his extremely shoddy directions delayed a peace delegation from Gallia. All in all, he considered it a good day's work, and it wasn't even noon.

Alfred whistled cheerfully to himself as he approached the cave's mouth. He couldn't wait to locate Kiku, solve his riddle, rescue this princess, and then find a princess who was nicer, friendlier, and more polite.

Alfred shouted for Arthur and quickly drew the scowling princess outside of the cave. Arthur must have been baking—he was still wearing a pink and frilly apron. Alfred lifted up the wood and paint, but grinned and pulled the objects out of Arthur's reach when the princess tried to grab them.

"What's the magic word?" he asked teasingly.

"Pisho bant," Arthur muttered and crossed his arms. He sighed and gritted his teeth. "Please."

Alfred smiled and handed over the plank and paint. He didn't particularly care if Arthur actually said please, but it was really amusing to annoy the princess. How could he resist when Arthur reacted so strongly to each imagined offense? It was like winding up a toy and then watching it spin furiously.

"So can I watch the spell? I've never seen magic before," Alfred asked as he followed Arthur back into the cave. He frowned as he recognized the smell of smoke. "…is something burning?"

Arthur swore and raced to the kitchen. Alfred watched from the doorway as the young man pulled a tray of charcoal briquettes from the oven. He coughed as smoke filled the kitchen.

"Looks like they're done just right," the knight said with another cough, instantly assuming that the burnt food was meant for dragon—not human—consumption.

"Do you think so?" Arthur asked eagerly. For once, his expression held no hint of a scowl, grimace, glare, or frown. In fact, his eyes were wide and bright and the corners of his mouth had turned up slightly into a barely-there smile.

Alfred smiled. "Well sure, dragons like their food burnt to a crisp. Helps them digest it. Doesn't it bother you to ruin your baking like that? Most princesses can't stand to let stuff burn."

Then as soon as the eager expression appeared, it vanished. Arthur glared. "These scones aren't for Kiku. He's missing, remember?"

"...scones?"

Alfred looked at the so-called food, then back at Arthur, then back at the food. Taken together, it meant that Arthur planned on eating the disgusting scones himself. Alfred stared in shock, until he realized the advantage of crappy cooking. If Arthur burned all of his food to a crisp, no wonder he had such an easy time cooking for dragons.

"Did you still want to watch the spell?" Arthur asked icily.

Alfred nodded, although the cold tone set off warning bells in his head. He leaned against the wall and watched with increasing trepidation as Arthur prepared a pentagram design on the cave floor. It felt more like summoning the devil than summoning a dragon. He picked up the grimoire and looked at the bookmarked page. It described a spell for summoning someone else's worst enemy. He supposed that Kiku could be categorized as his enemy, but it seemed a strange spell to try.

Arthur donned a black cloak and began chanting ominous-sounding words. The edges of the pentagram glowed with an eerie green light. A head slowly rose from the center of the floor, until it revealed a silver-haired man with glowing purple eyes.

The man blinked and looked around the cave, before settling his gaze on Arthur. "Have you seen crazy girl with frilly skirts and daggers?" he asked with a slightly worried expression.

Arthur shook his head.

The man let out a breath of relief. "Can I hide here a few hours until my sister stops looking?"

Arthur looked back and forth between the mysterious silver-haired man and the knight, as if expecting some sort of recognition. His expression showed both confusion and disappointment. Alfred could understand both—he was disappointed the spell hadn't retrieved Kiku and confused that his worst enemy was someone he had never met before.

King Ivan—as the man introduced himself—passed the time by drinking tea with Arthur (although he was saddened by the lack of vodka) and playing chess with Alfred. After months of tutoring Feliks, Alfred found it exhilarating to compete against a skilled player.

Soon the sound of a piece being moved was the only noise in the room. The game progressed slowly as they carefully marched their pieces across the board. The number of pieces gradually dwindled until only five remained.

Ivan moved his rook and marked one more tally on the paper next to him.

Arthur inspected the board. His initial interest had waned at least an hour ago, but now that the game seemed close to ending he put down his embroidery and asked Ivan, "Why are you counting moves?"

"If he gets to fifty, he can call a draw," Alfred explained. Two moves later, Ivan did exactly that.

"That was a good game, da?"

"You must have very cold winters in your kingdom," Arthur remarked as he filled up his tea cup from the kettle on the stove.

Alfred laughed. "So why is your sister trying to kill you?"

"Oh, she doesn't want to kill me." Ivan looked embarrassed. "She wants to marry me."

Arthur spit out his tea. "What?!"

"I paid off a dragon to kidnap her. But some idiot," he pronounced the word with his thick accent so it sounded like ee-dee-ot, "rescued her and did not marry her. It was good plan, when heroes rescue princesses, they are supposed to marry them."

Alfred dropped the piece he had been holding as he packed away his traveling chess set. He picked it up from the floor and avoided Ivan's gaze. Now he knew why Arthur's spell had summoned this person—Nataliya's brother had a good reason to dislike him.

"Alfred rescues princesses. Maybe he knows who the idiot was," Arthur said with a small smirk.

"Uh, from what I heard, everyone who tried failed."

Ivan sighed. "I just wish I could stop her obsession."

Arthur nodded. "My condolences. There are some people who just won't take a hint."

"Hey, what about a treaty marriage with a neighboring kingdom? If she really loves you, she should help you secure a valuable geopolitical alliance."

"She promised if I did that, she would raise an unstoppable army, conquer my kingdom, and make our lands one," Ivan said, his voice wavered somewhere between fear and pride.

"Nice girl," Arthur weakly replied.

"You should try the Dragon Vash. He doesn't follow the same rules as the other dragons," Alfred offered, hoping to steer the conversation away from anything that would make Ivan realize that he was sitting across the table from person who returned his sister.

Ivan nodded thoughtfully. He promised to send Arthur a reward for saving him from his sister, and then he disappeared back into the magical circle.

One week later, Alfred paused in front of the 'Road Closed' sign and frowned. The road had been perfectly passable the last time he saw it. He wondered what could have happened. He started to turn around, but his horse insisted on continuing forward. They made their way to the front of the cave without discovering any obstacles. Confused, Alfred went back to look at the sign and realized it was made from the wooden plank and black paint he had given to Arthur.

Alfred looked through the lair, until he finally found the princess in the hot springs at the very back of the cave. A few well-placed lanterns and the vapor rising from the springs created a comfortable glow. He could see a smaller pool with benches carved in the rocks as well as a much larger, dragon-shaped area for Kiku. The air smelled slightly of rotten eggs, making him wonder if Arthur had been cooking again. The princess—leaning back with eyes closed and shoulders deep in water—didn't notice his approach.

"Hey, Arthur."

Arthur's eyes flew open. "What are you doing here?" he sputtered. He started to rise from his position, but sat back down as he realized that the only thing covering him was a small towel.

Alfred kneeled next to the pool and dipped his hand into the water. It felt wonderfully warm. He grinned. "We planned to meet after a week so you could brainstorm ways to find Kiku, remember? And I think you must've figured out something good, 'cause I heard from some people that Kiku has been here this entire time. Weird, huh?" As he spoke, he pulled off his boots, rolled up his trousers, and slipped his legs into the water.

Arthur said nothing, so Alfred kept talking.

"Hunting for snipes, summoning Ivan, and putting up a sign made from the wood and paint I gave you… Look, I know princesses are supposed to send people on weird tasks, but you don't have to get so carried away."

"You don't understand, do you?" Arthur replied angrily. "I don't want you here, I don't want your help, and I don't want to be rescued!" he shouted.

Alfred blinked, taken aback by Arthur's fiery vehemence. He quickly recovered and grinned. "Oh, okay then. No worries, there are plenty of princesses that are loads nicer than you. Way prettier and politer too."

"What? I am a perfect gentleman."

"Pfft, more like a perfect liar."

He smiled, relieved by the thought that he wouldn't have to keep working so hard to try to rescue Arthur. The Alban Princess shared the same sense of relief, relaxing the atmosphere between them.

Alfred grinned and splashed his feet, enjoying the tingle of the hot water. He decided that he wanted to feel the water on his entire body. He tossed off his shirt and trousers and lowered himself into the water. It felt amazing. Arthur's face turned an interesting shade of red as he loudly protested both Alfred's lack of modestly and the invasion of his private hot springs.

"It's okay, we're both guys," Alfred replied. He leaned against the rock forming the wall of the pool, enjoying the relaxing feeling as its heat warmed his back. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh of contentment.

After a few moments, Alfred opened his eyes to see why Arthur was being so quiet. Arthur's normally pale skin was flushed from his neck to the tip of his ears. Arthur stared resolutely at the wall—everywhere but at Alfred.

"Hey, you're really red. Have you been in the water too long?"

"Ah... yes, close your eyes so I can get out."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Alfred sighed and complied. He listened to the sound of dripping water as Arthur stepped out of the hot springs and started to walk away. He turned his head to the side and caught a glimpse of the princess wearing a towel wrapped around his waist.

It occurred to Alfred that although Arthur was a strange princess, he really did have nice legs.

Author's Notes

"Perfidious Albion" is an old-fashioned way to complain about treacherous actions by England. Obviously, the phrase originated with the French.

So… can I leave this fic at K+ if I have Arthur swearing in Welsh? Also, I included a reference to dragon erotica last chapter. I might be a terrible person.

For the record, Alfred is probably wearing some sort of medieval underwear. I'm just too lazy to research medieval underpants. Use your imagination!