Kapitel 04
Chapter 4
Die schwuler-Kerl-Obsession
"The Gay Guy Obsession"
L'obsession avec les gars gays
When Matt opened his eyes the next morning, he was irritated to discover the sun just barely rising, the light coming in very softly through thin gaps in the curtains. Glancing over at the beside clock, he was informed that the time was only six in the morning. This knowledge only made him more aggravated. Why the hell did he have to wake up so early anyway?
He turned his head and looked at Mello, who was still sound asleep with his arm wrapped tightly around Matt's waist. His expression was peaceful, with no sign of nightmares; something Matt was thankful for. The blond was breathing slowly, and Matt realized for the first time that Mello never snored. Jesus, he was even perfect and beautiful when he slept. Reaching over to brush a strand of hair out of the other boy's angelic face, Matt's hand barely brushed against his lips. His beautiful, perfect lips. Matt shivered slightly, though not sure why. As though unsure of what he was doing, he took his forefinger and gently traced along the blond's face, feeling the soft, flawless skin beneath his fingertips. Though he knew -while the blond's face was free of any marks or blemishes- his body told a different story. Matt couldn't imagine the pain he must suffer, the pain he just brushed off as nothing.
"We try to find relatives for them to stay with. But sometimes they have no one, and other times the relatives they do have don't want to take on the responsibility."
What would happen to Mello if he told anyone? What kind of foster family would he be living with? While Matt desperately wanted the blond out of his current home situation, he didn't consider a foster home much better. He could understand Mello's reasoning. Sort of.
With a sigh, Matt pulled himself up out of bed and headed downstairs, with the intention of finding something to occupy his time with until Mello woke up. As he went in the hallway, he could see the light on in his uncle's study, but didn't bother him.
As much as he hated getting up early, it was also kind of peaceful. At least he didn't have people bothering him. It was quiet, tranquil. He almost dared to say he liked it.
A warm pot of coffee was already sitting out on the kitchen counter, most likely fixed by his uncle. Matt briefly wondered if he'd pulled another all-nighter. Pouring himself a cup, he opened the front door and stepped out into the chilly morning air. A light fog rested along the horizon, unusual for the summer. The redhead sat down carefully in the swing hanging from the porch, and hugged his knees to his chest, occasionally taking a sip from the coffee cup. He stared up at the sky, which was still a light pink, the sun not quite completely risen. Gods, he felt like an old lady. What kind of teenage guy sat out on the porch in the morning with a cup of coffee?
They had neighbors, but they were the type that rarely showed their faces outside; so Matt didn't have to worry about unwelcome visitors. It was rather peaceful living in the country, despite the loneliness. So when he heard the sound of approaching footsteps, he was a little more than surprised to turn around and see an unfamiliar face.
It was a girl about his age; someone he would have probably mistaken for Mello, had he not noticed the obvious breasts barely covered by the thin white tank-top she wore. She had sleek blond hair that was pulled up into a long ponytail, and upon looking closer Matt discovered she had brown eyes. On her bottom half, she was wearing a short pink miniskirt that would easily show underwear were she to bend over the slightest bit. "Entschuldigen Sie -" she began, and Matt nearly cringed at the awful and mispronounced German. "Sie verstehen Englisch?"
"Yeah," he replied, grateful that he wouldn't have to listen to that through the whole conversation. He didn't even bother telling the girl that it should be 'Verstehen Sie' and not 'Sie verstehen' "Did you need something?"
"Um, yes, actually… See, I'm not from around here as you can tell - and I was wondering if I might use your phone?" Even speaking English, she had a funny accent that Matt couldn't quite pinpoint.
"Sure, uh - come in, I guess." He stood up, and the girl pulled herself up on the porch. He suddenly thought twice about inviting a complete stranger into his house, but decided that even if she did try to steal something, she wouldn't be able to hide it, unless she planned to stuff it in her enormous boobs. Plus, the phone was right in the hallway, so they weren't really going very far in the house. "So what happened?"
"Well, my car broke down a little ways down the road, so I was going to call a friend to come pick me up." She smiled apologetically. "Sorry to bother you…it's just, you were out on your porch already so I knew I wasn't waking anyone up."
A car? Then the girl must be at least eighteen, if not older. "It's fine." Matt shrugged, and handed the phone to her. "Just hang up when you're done." Then, on a whim, he added, "If you're hungry, I'm about to fix breakfast. You're welcome to eat while you wait on your friend."
"Thank you. That would be nice." She smiled again, and dialed a number, while Matt went into the kitchen. He glanced out the doorway ever so often, just in case.
When the blond girl hung up the phone, she walked into the kitchen just as Matt was setting food on the table. "Smells good," she commented, taking a seat in front of a plate. "Oh, I don't believe I ever caught your name."
"It's Matt," he replied. "And you?"
"Annalise - or, well, Anna for short."
"Hm." He made no other acknowledgement than that.
"So…I take it you don't live here alone?" she commented, taking a bite of scrambled eggs.
"Uh, no - I live with my uncle," he answered, taking the seat across from her. He really hoped that this girl wasn't going to pry into his personal life.
Thankfully, she didn't ask anything else.
A few minutes later, Matt heard a pair of footsteps on the stairs, and his uncle came into the kitchen, dressed in his normal suit for work. "Mm, breakfast smells good." He smiled at his nephew, and then turned his gaze to the stranger. "Who's this?" he asked.
"Anna," she said, standing up and extending her hand. "I'm sorry to barge in like this, but my car broke down, so Matt let me use the phone. I hope that's okay."
"Of course." Marc gave her a friendly smile, though Matt noticed he gave her a funny look when he saw the skimpy clothing. "Lecroix. Marc Lecroix." he shook her hand. "Did you manage to contact someone?"
"Oh, yes. My friend should be here in a few minutes."
"Well, that's good." he turned back to Matt and laughed. "Cooking breakfast for a woman, hein? Haha, you're looking into your future right here."
Matt's face turned a bright red. "Marc…"
"I'm only joking," his uncle replied, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm never getting married," Matt muttered under his breath.
However, Marc heard him. "Oh, sure you will. Not that it matters if you don't," he added quickly. He then laughed. "I could care less if you ever get married. And I wouldn't care if you brought an Asian girl home, or American, or German, or even a boy -"
Matt nearly choked on his food, and his uncle shot him a worried glance. "You okay?"
"Yeah, f-fine." He took a quick gulp of orange juice, while Anna gave a small laugh.
"You two seem to get along pretty well," she said.
"Never been closer," Marc replied with a smile. "Anyway, I have to get to work soon - so I'm trusting you and Mello to behave with a girl in the house, understand?"
"You don't have to worry, really," Matt assured him forcefully, though he knew his blissfully ignorant uncle would never get the hint. Marc had more to worry about when just he and Mello were alone together.
"Alright, I'll be home around eight tonight," Marc said, grabbing a briefcase from the counter. "If you don't feel like cooking dinner, just order takeout or something, d'accord?"
"Kay."
When the sound of a door closing floated in through the doorway, Anna turned to Matt. "So, your last name - it's French, right?"
"Yeah, but we have different last names. Mine is Irish, but I'm part French," he explained.
"I see. I'm American, but my grandmother was German, and my great-grandfather on my father's side was French," she replied, and Matt could tell she was trying to keep conversation.
"So you live here, but don't know German?" He raised an eyebrow.
She gave an embarrassed laugh and blushed. "We're vacationing for the summer. I learned a little German at school, but I'm afraid it's not very good."
Matt bit his tongue before he could agree with her, and simply shrugged. "Mine isn't either." But at least my accent doesn't suck, and I know proper grammar.
"Oh, your uncle mentioned 'Mello'…? Someone else?"
"A…friend of mine." Matt blushed a little, and hoped Anna didn't notice.
As if on queue, Matt suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap around him and someone jump on his back. "Guten Mogen!" a cheerful voice said in his ear.
"Good morning," Matt replied, his blush deepening a little as he realized Anna was watching.
"So…is this why you nearly choked on your food when your uncle mentioned boys?" Anna said, raising an eyebrow.
Mello's smile faded, and he looked at the stranger curiously. "Who's this?"
"Anna," she said. "My car broke down, and I'm waiting on a friend to pick me up. I take it you're Mello?"
"Yep." He smiled. He immediately scouted out the food, and fixed a plate.
"Not your real name, I'm guessing."
"Nope," he said cheerfully.
She cleared her throat rather unnecessarily and turned to Matt. "I take it your uncle doesn't know that you two are, um…."
"No, he doesn't," Matt said tightly. "And I'd prefer if you'd mind your own business."
Mello froze, a piece of toast halfway in his mouth, and looked curiously between the two, watching the disguised argument in their words.
"If you have a problem with it," Matt said steadily, "You can wait for your friend outside."
Anna gave a slightly uncomfortable shrug. "I don't have a problem with it. I just don't - agree with it."
"I don't care about your opinion."
"I just don't understand how a guy could like another guy. It just seems unnatural to me," she replied, her brow furrowing in slight disgust.
"That's your opinion."
"So, I'm guessing neither one of you go to church?" she said, a slight smile curling at the edge of her lips.
Matt's brow creased slightly. "I'm agnostic."
"And I'm Catholic," Mello said brightly, even though he only went to church when he was forced by his mother, and had really stopped believing in any sort of 'God' years ago.
"That's kind of hard to believe." She laughed slightly.
"What's that supposed to mean, exactly?" Matt said, taking a step forward.
"I just mean…how can you believe in God when you're doing something that obviously goes against him?"
"Get out of my house."
"What?"
"You heard me. Get out of my house." Matt's hand clenched on the corner of the table as he fixed Anna with a steady gaze.
Slightly shaken, Anna straightened her shoulders a little and looked from one boy to the other. By now, Mello had put down his fork and was standing beside Matt. "What you two do together is your business, but you'll face the consequences on Judgment Day," she said, briskly striding past them and out into the hallway.
"Go to Hell!" Matt called after her.
"See you there," Anna replied, and a moment later the door slammed.
Fuming, Matt stood in the doorway for a few moments, before taking the empty plates off the table and tossing them in the sink. They both made a loud clattering sound, and shattered against the counter. Mello flinched slightly, and took a step back, watching Matt carefully for anymore signs of violence.
The redhead showed none, though Mello could tell that he was beyond pissed. "You...didn't really have to throw her out," Mello said softly.
"This is why I don't get close to people. Because of people like that!" Matt said, ignoring Mello's comment and gesturing angrily towards the doorway where Anna had disappeared. "They can do whatever they want, and act as un-Christian as possible. But then when the issue of homosexuality comes up, they make themselves out to be all for God, and start throwing that religious bullshit out there, when they don't even believe half of it! They just use it as an excuse so that they can declare something a sin or not. It's a complete load of bullshit!" he slammed his hand against the wall.
Trembling slightly, Mello put a hand on Matt's shoulder. "That girl…what she said bothered you, didn't it?"
At Mello's words, Matt seemed to recover himself, and gave a small laugh. "Of course not. I could care less what people think. It just…irritates me when people say stuff like that."
The blond could tell Matt was lying through his teeth, mostly trying to convince himself that he wasn't upset about it. Nonetheless, Mello said no more about it. "Alright. If you say so."
"Look, let's just forget about it, okay?" Matt said, giving a sigh. "It doesn't matter."
"If you say so."
Matt thought for a minute. "Say - my uncle gave me permission to use the car. You want to drive to town or something?"
"Yeah! Sounds good!" Mello smiled. "Where in town do you want to go?"
"I don't know. We could just walk around, or something. Or go to a movie - "
"You mean like a date?" Mello interrupted excitedly, his blue eyes sparkling.
Matt laughed. "Sure, like a date."
"Wow, I've never been on one before! What movie do you want to see?"
"Whatever's playing, I suppose. This town only has one of those old movie theatres - the kind that plays old movies that are already out on DVD."
"Oh well. It'll still be fun."
"Yeah, it will." Matt smiled. "Let me go get dressed and I'll be ready."
"Kay. I'll be waiting."
Matt hurried upstairs, and threw on a black shirt with Bill Kaulitz's face plastered on it in funky neon colors. Wearing a shirt with a guy on it pretty much screamed 'I'm gay', but Matt didn't really care; he liked the shirt, and he didn't feel like worrying over what to wear. Pulling on a faded pair of jeans with it, he brushed out his tousled hair - trying to make himself look halfway presentable. For a few minutes, he studied himself in the mirror, taking a good look at himself for the first time in what seemed like forever. He had a thin, lanky figure – but not the curvy kind of thin that Mello was. His eyes were green, but a dull kind of green – not bright and sparkly like Mello's own blue ones. His thick reddish brown hair always fell in his eyes, and it had become habit for him to brush it out of his face every few minutes. It was a far cry from the thin, silky blondness that was Mello's. The redhead didn't really find himself attractive at all. He suddenly recalled the last summer at camp, and how Emil had told him he was hot (not in an 'I like you' sort of way, of course. It was more of an 'I hate you for this' sort of compliment). Matt honestly wondered what Mello saw in him.
He was suddenly aware of movement in the corner of the mirror, and turned to see Mello standing in the doorway, trying to hide his smile. "I was wondering why you were taking so long," he said.
A red hot blush immediately fired up in Matt's cheeks. "I-I was just -"
"You look fine," Mello told him with a small laugh, going over and pressing their lips together. He then looked down at Matt's shirt, stifling a small laugh. "Bill Kaulitz? Seriously?"
"Bill Kaulitz is sexy," Matt replied, moving closer to Mello and leaning in towards him.
"Even more than me?" Mello joked.
"Way more," Matt assured him, kissing him lightly on the lips.
Mello gave a smile and a sarcastic roll of his eyes. "Come on already."
XxX
They went downstairs and got the keys from the hook on the door, and upon seeing no one on the porch, continued outside. Matt opened the door of the gray Mercedes parked outside in the gravel driveway, and Mello slid in beside him, his expression similar to when he'd first seen the interior of Matt's house. "You mean your uncle is letting his fifteen-year-old nephew, without a license, drive this?"
"You say it like he's an irresponsible guardian." Matt grinned.
Mello returned the smile. "I'm just waiting for you to crash it."
"I know how to drive, thank you," Matt replied, turning the key in the ignition. The engine started and the redhead slowly began to back out of the driveway. He managed to successfully pull out in the road, and they made it to town free of any disasters or catastrophes.
The theatre wasn't playing anything super-interesting, so they settled for something called 'Sommersturm'. It was rated R, but for some reason the girl at the ticket booth let them in anyway. They weren't hungry, so didn't bother buying concessions before finding their screen and settling themselves in the very back of the movie theater. The two of them sat for a while before the annoying commercials ceased, and the movie actually began to play.
The movie, by some sick coincidence on Matt's part, happened to be a movie about gay boys. The film itself wasn't completely awful, but -in Matt's opinion- a little unoriginal. Typical gay cinema movie: gay boy crushing on straight friend. Gay boy has fake girlfriend to make people think he's straight. And Matt found it very hard to believe that there would be such a thing as an 'all-gay rowing team'. A little unrealistic.
On top of that, there was -of all blessed things- a sex scene between two boys. It was as if the movie knew what Matt thought about every night, and was intentionally torturing him with it. It was pure, cruel, torture.
Matt stole a quick glance at Mello, who didn't seem uncomfortable at all. The blond had his head rested on Matt's shoulder, and was playing with the other boy's hand. Briefly, Matt recalled his and Alex's first date - and the cruel, agonizing debate that had played in his head over whether he should hold Alex's hand or not, among other things. Mello didn't seem so shy, Matt noticed. He was partially thankful for this, as it meant he most likely wouldn't have to make the first move. Matt wondered if there was a possibility that Mello thought of the same thing at night. He secretly hoped so.
For a minute, they simply sat like that, and Matt didn't object to Mello's head on his shoulder or the blond's hand in his. Then, he felt Mello's head raise up slightly, and instinctively looked the other boy's way. Their eyes met, and the two boys stared at each other for a minute, before Mello leaned in slightly and completed the gap, pressing their lips gently together.
Making out in the back of a movie theatre seemed horribly cliché to Matt, but at this point he didn't really care. He returned the kiss, and soon the rest of the movie was forgotten as the two of them became absorbed in something far more interesting.
XxX
After the movie, the two of them walked around town looking for a restaurant to eat at, Matt being careful to stay a decent distance away from the blond, to save them the critical stares of others. He hoped the other boy would respect this distance, and to Matt's surprise, Mello wasn't as clingy as usual. He seemed to have enough sense to know not to be overly-affectionate in public. Though Matt could tell it was hard on the boy; whenever he pointed something out, he would grab hold of Matt's arm, and then let go almost immediately as though realizing he shouldn't have. After about ten minutes of this, Matt gave in and reached over, taking Mello's hand in his own, his face slightly pink.
The other boy looked down, blushed, and then gave a small smile. "I thought you didn't want people to stare."
Matt gave his usual indifferent shrug. "Who cares what people think, right?"
"Right." The blond smiled, and Matt could tell this made him happy.
They did get plenty of stares, but no one dared say anything to them. Everyone seemed too 'polite' to voice their opinion, which was obvious by the whispers going around every time someone saw them. Thankfully, the two of them found a Biergarten called the "Haufbräukeller" nearby, and ducked into the array of tables and people, immediately putting on the act of 'just friends' again.
Matt once more thought back to dates he'd gone on with Alex, and how back then Alex had been in his place -as the experienced one- and he'd been in Mello's place -the newcomer. Alex had always been the one to take charge, and shrug off peoples' comments and whispers, to decide when they needed to act as 'just friends' and when they could act as a couple: 'protecting' Matt in a way. It had been Alex who would have thrown someone like Anna out of his house for a comment like that. Now Matt was the one with experience, and Mello was new to it. It was Matt's turn to be in charge, and brush off people's stares. He wondered if it had been this hard for Alex to take everything so indifferently, and worry not only about himself, but about the person he was with as well. Frankly, Matt didn't much like being in charge.
They wove through the mass of people drinking and laughing at their tables, to find an empty one under a tree in the shade, a nice relief from the somewhat sweltering sun. The Haufbräukeller was beautiful, and Matt -who had never been near a Biergarten in his life- couldn't help but stare around in somewhat wonder. He could hardly believe he'd been living in Germany for two years, and hadn't visited one at least once.
No one really noticed the two of them, and they were slightly thankful for this. Mello disappeared to get drinks, since Matt was more than uncertain of where to go in such a place. When he came back, he had a small grin on his face, and Matt raised an eyebrow. "What's with the look?" Matt questioned skeptically, slightly wary of what Mello might have done.
"The guy selling drinks actually believed I was 16!" Mello whispered with a laugh, handing Matt's drink to him before taking a gulp of his own.
"You bought alcohol? After what happened last time?" Matt said.
Mello shrugged. "As long as we don't get drunk, we'll be fine," he said breezily. He rested his chin in his hand and smiled. "You know, the Haufbräukeller was the place where Hitler gave his first political speech," he informed the other boy.
"Really?" Matt replied, raising an eyebrow. "I didn't know that."
The blond nodded. "Yep. Quite a history, huh?"
"Kind of creepy," Matt laughed.
The two of them were silent for a while, not really certain of what to say. It was Mello who finally spoke up a few minutes later, though slightly hesitantly.
"So what'd you think of the movie?" he asked, a little too nonchalantly as he played with some of the utensils on the table.
"It was okay. A little unoriginal, in my opinion, but an okay movie."
Mello gave a small laugh. "Haha, well it was kind of the first movie I saw like that, so it seemed pretty original to me."
"I've seen tons," Matt said, then quickly added, "Not that that's all I watch."
Mello laughed. "I know that." He was quiet for a few seconds. "So I thought the guy who played Achim was pretty cute."
"Eh, neither one of them really appealed to me," Matt replied.
"How about Leo?" Mello joked.
"Ew. Just ew."
This amused the blond, but then a thoughtful look crossed his face. "You know...I kind of didn't understand why Tobi and Leo had sex right out of the blue. I mean, they'd barely even talked to each other up until that point. And all of a sudden they just go at it..."
Matt mused this thought for a minute. "I think Tobi was just so starved for physical affection from the same gender that he just kind of picked the first person he could. I mean, when you have emotions like that so deep inside you and that you don't tell anyone, it gets kind of hard to deal with. I can understand why he needed Leo as a sort of 'outlet' for those feelings."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Mello said. "I kinda wish it had been he and Achim, you know? That would have made more sense. Too bad, huh?"
Matt tried not to choke on his own spit. "Uh – yeah, definitely." He wondered if he was blushing. Mello was mentioning that scene with complete indifference; what the hell was he getting at?
His question was answered a few moments later, as Mello spoke again.
"So... have you ever... thought about that...with us?" he asked softly, not looking at the other boy. The blond's attention was focused on his now-empty glass resting on the table.
"Th-thought about what?" Matt asked nervously, though he had a good idea of what Mello meant. He knew he had to be bright red by now.
"You know..." Mello shifted uncomfortably, hesitant to say the next word as he leaned forward and whispered it across the table. "...sex."
So he did think about it. This thought gave Matt a sick happy feeling.
"W-w-well y-yeah, I mean...what guy doesn't?" Matt stammered. "B-but I mean, I-I've only thought about it..." And dreamed about it...and imagined it...and wanted it... "H-have you?"
Mello shrugged slightly, his eyes still not meeting Matt's. "Well yeah, sometimes... I am a guy, you know."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Matt gave a slightly nervous laugh.
"So, have you ever... you know...?" Mello began, his face turning red from embarrassment. The redhead could tell the other boy wasn't used to having these kinds of conversations; especially with other boys.
Matt was puzzled for a moment, but then realized what Mello was asking. "Wha-wha-wha- no! N-no, no, no...I-I never... no..." His face was practically flaming hot now.
A slight expression of surprise flitted across Mello's face and shown in his eyes as he looked up at the other boy across from him. "You mean, you and Alex never...?"
"No, of course not." Matt shook his head a little too forcefully. Was it just him, or did Mello seem a little too happy to hear him say this? A small smile crossed the blond's face.
"Oh...I just, always figured..."
"No, w-we didn't. I never have..."
"I see..." Mello looked back down again, fiddling with his napkin. "So you're a..." he trailed off, slightly reluctant to say the next word in the sentence again.
"...virgin," Matt finished. Even to himself, it felt kind of funny saying it out loud.
A silence rested between them for a few minutes, neither of them really knowing how to continue the extremely awkward conversation.
After awhile they started to make casual conversation, occasionally making jokes at people they saw. It wasn't until they were almost ready to leave that conspicuous whispers from nearby caught Matt's attention. Looking over, Matt saw a gaggle of girls about his age, talking in English, all huddled over near another table, and looking his and Mello's way. Their conversation could be slightly heard, even from Matt's distance. It was difficult to make out exactly what they were saying, but Matt could swear he had a feeling what they were talking about. The girls continued whispering, and it slightly got on Matt's nerves that they were whispering -or rather, attempting to whisper- about him, and probably Mello as well.
After what seemed like ten minutes of this, one of the girls was brave enough to approach their table. It was an American girl, Matt assumed since she had been speaking English, with brown hair and green eyes. Her face was a bright pink, and she was giggling slightly. "Excuse me," she said in German: hers wasn't so bad, at least, not nearly as bad as Anna's had been.
"Yes?" Matt sighed slightly, and Mello turned his gaze towards the girl as well. He hadn't noticed them whispering, and Matt had been careful not to point it out to him.
"Well um..." She glanced between he and Mello, and bit her lower lip in an embarrassed sort of way. "Are you two...together?" Another stifled giggle.
"What's it to you?" Matt said rather sharply.
"Oh, no, no! I don't mean anything by it." She smiled. "I think it's sweet." Taking a quick glance back at the rest of the girls watching her eagerly, she continued to talk. "Well, it's just...my friends were wondering and so they begged me to come over here and ask you. I'm sorry to be so rude..." She smiled apologetically.
"Why so curious?" he asked evenly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologized again. "We just, you see...you two are really cute." Another nervous laugh. "What are your names?"
Giving another exasperated sigh, Matt reluctantly answered her. "Matt," he said.
"Mello," the blond responded, slightly puzzled by the brunette girl's sudden fascination with them.
"Oh, that's a cute name," she giggled. "Is it a nickname?"
"Uh...ja."
"My name's Michelle." She looked at them for another moment, and then her eyes came to rest on Matt's shirt. "Ah, you like Bill Kaulitz?~" she said, her eyes immediately lighting up.
"Sure, I suppose."
"I love Tokio Hotel. Bill Kaulitz is so androgynous that both genders could fantasize about him and no one would be gay, haha."
"Ja, I suppose you're right," Matt said. "Listen, we're just about to leave, so -" he began to stand up from the table.
"Oh, one moment please?" Michelle said quickly, and then hesitated again. "Well, see – you two are just really cute..."
"Just get to the point," Matt said dryly.
"Well, I was wondering if I could maybe get a picture -"
"Let's go," he said briskly, standing up and grabbing Mello's hand. He pulled the blond along behind him until they were completely outside the restaurant, and a slight few feet away from the door. He leaned against the wall of the building for a few minutes, breathing deeply to control his boiling temper.
After a few minutes, Mello ventured to speak. "What's the matter?" he asked. "You seem angry..."
Matt gave a long, bitter sigh. "Stupid fucking boy-love-obsessed fangirls," he said.
"Boy-love...you mean, like manga about boy-boy relationships, right?" Mello asked.
"Yes, that manga. Jesus..." He ran a hand through his hair, only to flatten it back down again. "All these stupid fucking girls that for some reason think it's so adorable or what the fuck ever for two guys to fuck each other, that they run around giggling at actual real boy-boy relationships, without even the slightest idea as to -" he was cut off as Mello put a hand gently over his mouth. This seemed to calm Matt slightly, and he took a deep breath.
"Are you...okay?" Mello asked timidly.
"Y-yeah, sorry..." Matt straightened up and began to walk down the sidewalk, Mello following nervously at his heels.
"So...that girl was so interested in us because she's a boy-love fan?" Mello mused.
"Yes." Matt blew a strand of hair out of his face and put his hands in his pockets.
"Why does that bother you so much?"
"Because! We're like objects to girls like that, Mello. The whole 'gay guys are cute' obsession. All the girls want to have them as best friends because we don't try and fuck them. It's sickening! Those stupid fucking boy-love-obsessed freaks just look at us like we're God, or something! When they have no idea in hell what's it's actually like to be going through that!"
As Matt ranted on, Mello didn't cover his mouth again, figuring that the other boy needed to get all of it out, otherwise he would only continue to rant about it later. However, the redhead seemed to have said all he wanted to say. Cautiously, Mello reached over and took the other boy's hand in his own. "You okay?" he asked.
"Ja, sorry. I try not to get irritated with people like that, but it's difficult."
"Bullshit. You were pissed off, not irritated."
"Was not."
"You were pissed."
"What of it?" Matt said sharply.
Mello gave a heavy sigh. "Nothing, I just don't like it when you get angry like that, and throw things. It...scares me."
Stopping in his tracks, Matt turned and looked at the blond, whose gaze was fixed on the ground. "I'm sorry." He sighed, and rested a hand on Mello's shoulder. "I'll try to control my temper, kay?"
Mello nodded, forcing a small smile. "Ja."
They returned to where the car was parked, and Matt drove home in silence, though Mello just figured he was trying to concentrate and not crash. With his temper fired up, it was highly likely. The blond sat in the passenger's side, staring morosely out the window at the rain that had just started to pour. He would never say it out loud, especially to Matt, but when the redhead's temper got the better of him, he reminded Mello of his mother.
Matt noticed Mello's silence, and looked over at the blond while trying to keep his eyes on the road at the same time. "I'm sorry about earlier," he apologized. "It just pissed me off. I didn't mean to blow up like that."
"It's no big deal," Mello replied, tracing a pattern in the condensation that had appeared on the window. "It's natural for a person to get angry."
"Yeah, but I always take it out on you. I'm sorry." He quickly steered the car back into a straight line as he realized he was swerving.
"It's fine, really," Mello assured him, never taking his eyes off the window.
Matt gave an exasperated sigh. "Do you really want to be looked at as an object of some girl's yaoi-fantasy paradise?" Matt asked the blond.
"What does it matter? I thought you said you didn't care what people thought. You're always contradicting yourself."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Matt demanded, taking his eyes off the road for a second too long. He narrowly missed an oncoming car in the opposite lane, and the driver honked his horn as an obvious sign of annoyance.
"First of all, you say you don't care who knows – but yet everyone seems to know except your uncle, the only family you've got. Second of all, you say you don't give a shit what people think, but then when someone like Anna, or Michelle come along you get all pissed off and angry. It's normal to get upset about something, but don't lie and say you don't and then go and contradict that statement."
"I don't lie," Matt seethed. "I don't care what people think," he added forcefully. "I just -"
"Everyone cares, Matt. They just do. It's human nature. You can't say you don't."
"Didn't Anna and Michelle bother you?" Matt fired towards the other boy.
"Of course they did," Mello said softly. "But I just brush it off. I honestly thought you were supposed to be the one with the indifferent attitude."
"Just shut up, okay? I don't need you telling me what to do!"
"I'm not telling you what to do," Mello said flatly. "I'm just pointing out that you always do the opposite of what you say you're going to do."
"That isn't true."
"Oh, really? Then will you ever tell your uncle about us?"
Both boys were roughly jolted forward as Matt pulled over and slammed abruptly on the brakes. For a few moments, he simply sat still, hands on the steering wheel, breathing deeply like he had done outside of the restaurant. "What does it matter?" he said.
"You don't seem to care if everyone in the school knows, but yet your uncle -who you live with- has no clue. Why not tell him?"
"It's different, with people at school...you can tell them, and you won't see them again when you graduate. But with family, you can't go back. You'll be living with them the rest of your life. And their reaction can either make or break that life," Matt explained.
"So you're just being a coward?" Mello stated.
"Who are you calling the coward? You were the one who let Emil practically fuck me last year just because you were too scared to actually admit you liked boys!"
"At least I admitted it!" Mello retorted. "You just want to hide behind this shell of indifference that you've created for yourself, acting like you don't care who knows or what people think when the truth is you do!"
"Really? What about that stupid fake cheerfulness of yours? You don't call that an act?" Matt said angrily.
Mello was silent for a minute before answering. "I may have faked a lot at camp last summer, when I really was unhappy," he began, and then looked over at Matt with shimmering blue eyes. "But I really am happy now, with you. That's not an act. None of it has been an act this summer."
"There's no reason for me to tell Marc," Matt stated bluntly.
"No reason?" Mello cried. "How about the fact that your boyfriend is living in the same house this summer, and your uncle thinks we're just friends! That enough of a reason for you!"
Matt's head snapped in Mello's direction, and he glared daggers into the blond's blue eyes. "Do you honestly think he would leave us alone for two minutes if he knew? Sleep in the same bedroom? Fuck no."
"I hate feeling like we have to hide."
"We don't have to. He's gone half the fucking day anyway, has it really been that difficult 'hiding' it from him? We just went around town together, where anyone who knows Marc could have seen us and told him. If I were trying to hide, we would have stayed in the house!" Matt informed him angrily.
Mello shrunk slightly before Matt's glare. "It's just...if he finds out the wrong way...won't that be worse? I mean, don't you think he'd take it better if he heard it from you?"
"How else is he going to find out?" Matt asked.
Mello blushed slightly, and looked away, without answering the question. Though Matt knew what he was thinking: if his uncle ever caught them together.
"Well, it's not like he ever will anyway," Matt said. "He hardly checks up on me at all. Besides, I don't envision you telling your parents anytime soon."
A strange expression crossed Mello's face, and his hand automatically traveled down to his chest where the bruises were, as though there was some connection. "At least..." he began softly, tears brewing in his beautiful blue eyes. His gaze was fixed in his lap, refusing to look at the boy beside him. "At least your uncle would love you no matter what! My parents don't love me anyway, whether I'm gay, straight, bi, or whatever the fuck else there is!"
Matt could feel a heaviness in his chest as he saw the tears form in the other boy's eyes. "Mello I-"
"Just stop, okay? Let's just go home."
"A-alright..." Matt hesitantly revved up the engine and resumed driving in the direction of his house.
XxX
When they arrived home, Marc was in the living room.
"Where have you been?" he called from his seat nonchalantly. "I was starting to get worried."
Matt wrung out his sopping wet shirt and flung his hair out of his eyes. "We just went out for a bit and lost track of time," he said softly, trudging into the laundry room like a zombie to strip out of his wet clothes and wrap a warm robe around himself. Mello did the same, without saying a word to him.
They both went upstairs, and Matt went over to sit on his bed. Mello stood hesitating for a few moments before going over and climbing into his lap, wrapping his arms around the redhead's waist.
A heavy wave of relief flooding his body, Matt put his arms around the other boy and pulled him close. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I- I wasn't thinking, I was stupid-"
"It's okay," Mello said into his shirt.
"I'm sorry," Matt replied. "I was stupid for saying those things. Of course you wouldn't tell your parents."
The two of them sat in silence for a minute, Mello curled up in his lap. Then, the blond sat up, wrapping his arms around his neck. The redhead held the other boy against him, but Mello pulled back and looked deep into Matt's green eyes, before leaning forward and kissing him roughly on the mouth.
"W-what are you-" The rest of Matt's sentence was drowned out as Mello kissed him again, harder. He and Matt fell back on the bed, their mouths still locked. The blond was the one to start the tongue war this time, his own tongue finding its way into Matt's mouth, exploring deep inside as the redhead gave a slight moan. Matt's arms wound instinctively around the other boy, pulling him closer, pressed against him. Though confused, Matt definitely didn't object. Before he knew it, his shirt was off and Mello's mouth had moved down to his neck, the other boy's tongue warm against his skin. He could feel his heart pounding against his chest, a deep blush rising to his face. Mello's hands were working fast on his pants, proceeding with yanking them down. It was then that Matt came to his senses, pushing Mello up and looking into his face. The both of them were breathing heavily, and Mello was flushed. "Wh-what are you doing?" Matt said.
"Remember what we talked about at the Biergarten?" Mello said, blushing a little as his eyes traveled over casually to the wall, unable to look at Matt.
"Y-yeah, what about it?" Matt tried to shift Mello's weight off of his crotch slightly, but the other boy didn't move.
"I was just...curious," the blond said softly, placing his hands on either one of Matt's shoulders and pinning him to the bed.
"Curious?" Matt echoed, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah." The other boy looked at him this time in surprise. "Aren't you?"
"About what, exactly?"
"About what it's like..." He gave what could have been interpreted as a small smile. "I've always wondered what it'd be like to be that physically close to someone, to actually share a body with them for a time. I think...it'd be wonderful."
Matt gave a slight dry laugh. "I don't mean to deflate your bubble, but sex isn't all it's cracked up to be."
"I never said it was," Mello responded calmly.
"Look, it's not just something you do and get over with. It may not seem like a big deal to you because neither one of us can get pregnant in the matter, but it still is."
"I never said it wasn't."
Matt tried to will away the red-hot blush creeping up his cheeks. "You just-"
"Just what?" Mello said, letting go of Matt's shoulders and crossing his arms.
"Your first time...won't be your best, okay? Neither will your second, or third. It takes time, a-and -" He was cut off as Mello gently put a finger to his lips.
"How do you know, anyway?" Mello asked tartly. "You said you'd never done it before."
"I-I haven't! But I do know some things." Matt could feel his face burning as he looked away.
"Let me guess, from Alex?" Mello drawled out.
Matt was silent for a minute. "It just...might not be as great as you think it'll be," he said at last.
The blond gave an exasperated sigh. "I don't care about any of that. It'll be great because it's with you," he told Matt softly, leaning in to where their faces were just millimeters apart. "None of the other stuff matters."
"It hurts," Matt said bluntly.
"I'm aware. Jesus, you really think I know nothing, don't you?"
"I didn't say that..." Matt blushed again.
"Were you raped as a kid or something?" Mello asked.
"No, of course not!"
"Then why are you so against sex?"
"I'm not against it!" Matt protested. "I just don't think..."
"Don't think what?"
"I just...don't think you're ready."
"Why is that?" Mello scoffed.
What was his reason, anyway? Matt wondered. He would have killed for Mello to ask for this just a day ago, and now that he was, Matt was completely chickening out. "I just don't think you're aware of what you're asking."
"I know what sex means, alright?" Mello said. "And I also happen to know how to have it. Why do you think I'm so ignorant?"
"I don't think you're ignorant," Matt argued uncomfortably. "I just don't want you to do something you'll regret."
"Matt..." The blond gave another sigh. "I could never regret anything we do together."
"Tonight just isn't the time, okay?" Matt replied.
"Fine." Mello uncrossed his arms and slid off of Matt, who was grateful the other boy's weight was no longer on his crotch. He went over and closed the curtains to the window. "I'm going to bed."
"It's only seven o'clock."
This time it was the blond's turn to blush a deep red. "Well, then I'm going to take a shower. I smell like rain."
"Kay then." Amused, he watched as the blond grabbed another pair of clothes and headed off to the shower. Matt, figuring he had nothing better to do, went downstairs where his uncle was watching TV in the living room while going over case files.
Marc looked up when Matt entered and greeted him with a warm smile. "Hey. Everything okay with you two?" he asked, as Matt sat down beside him on the couch.
"Yeah, we're fine."
"Did you have a fight?"
"No, not exactly. It's fine, really." Matt busied himself with flipping through different case files again.
"Alright, well...if you ever want to talk..."
"I know, you're here." Matt sighed. "You've told me, but I already said that I never have anything to tell you."
"Yes, you've told me," his uncle said. He was silent for a few minutes as he jotted occasional notes down. "So where'd you two go today?" he asked casually.
Matt gave an indifferent shrug. "Nowhere, really. Just to a movie and around town."
"Haha, almost sounds like a date," his uncle joked.
"Marc..." Matt pleaded, his face turning bright red. He tried to hide it behind one of the folders, but his uncle took it away the next second.
"I'm only teasing," Marc said, amused by Matt's embarrassment. "You should go out with a girl sometime. There are a lot of nice ones around town," he commented.
"No thanks," Matt replied flatly.
"Eh, it doesn't matter. I'm just saying, you shouldn't be so anti-social."
"I'm not anti-social," Matt mumbled, his eyes flickering across the room.
"You should at least think about making some friends, here, at your school," Marc told him, giving him a steady gaze from above the top of his glasses.
"I don't like anyone at my school," Matt replied dryly. "All the girls are giggling boy-obsessed idiots, and all the guys are retarded."
"I'm sure if you looked, you would find someone you like," his uncle reasoned.
"I doubt it. Besides, I have friends. Just because I don't have tons doesn't mean I don't have any," Matt explained, flipping through the folder of some girl named 'Brittany'.
"But you should make friends here, people you could see during the school year," Marc said. "Don't you get lonely here all by yourself all the time?"
Matt shrugged. "I'm used to it. It's peaceful."
"If you say so," Marc gave in with a heavy sigh. "I just worry about you. Why are you so against the people here?"
"I just don't like them."
"Why not?" He persisted.
"I just don't, can we leave it at that?"
"Fine, fine..." His uncle opened another case file and wrote something down.
"So how's the kid you're seeing?" Matt asked, hoping to change the subject.
"Staying at the center. It's extremely hard to find families for kids his age, you know. All the foster parents want babies, or children. No one wants teenagers, because they aren't 'cute'."
"That kinda sucks."
"Yeah, tell me about it. The center is already packed full as it is. It's more hectic than usual."
"So...why is this kid in foster care, anyway? I mean, are his parents dead or something?" Matt asked.
"His mother's alive, but she was neglectful. He pretty much took care of himself. She was on drugs really bad, so we decided it would be better for him if she went into rehab for a while."
"And if she gets better?"
"He'll go back to her, I suppose," Marc explained.
"So, kids can be sent back to their parents if they go through rehab and say they're 'okay'?" Matt said in astonishment. "That doesn't seem right. The parents will always be messed up."
"Well, not necessarily always. Some of them do get better, and their kids are perfectly fine going back." He then gave a heavy sigh. "But sometimes it just gets worse for the kid. We can never know, and we don't have complete control over that. If the parents complete all the courses and tests, and the courts say their kids can go back, there isn't really much we can do."
Matt could feel a funny jolt in his stomach. So even if Mello did get away from his mother, it was highly probable that he'd go right back to her in the near future.
"Something wrong?" Marc questioned. "You look funny."
"No, no, I'm fine," Matt said quickly, snapped out of his reverie. "I uh – think I'll go back upstairs."
"Alright. You sure you're okay?" Marc asked, concerned with his nephew's strange behavior.
"Oui," Matt assured him. "Don't work too hard."
"Haha, yes sir," his uncle replied.
When Matt closed the bedroom door behind him, Mello wasn't in there, so he walked over and sat on the window sill, his knees hugged tightly to his chest again. He honestly wondered why he'd said no to Mello earlier. Hadn't that been the very thing he'd been thinking about for the past three days? For the life of him, the redhead couldn't think of his reasoning behind the matter. Perhaps he was the one who wasn't ready; did he wish his first time could be with Alex? Or was he worried because he honestly didn't think Mello was ready for sex? The blond certainly seemed to want it, but for some reason Matt was the one hesitating.
He remembered when Alex had jokingly mentioned the "Seme-Uke" rule: one on top, one on bottom. Matt knew without doubt who would have been on bottom in a pairing with he and Alex, but with he and Mello it would be different. Matt had no question that he would be the dominant in that situation. Did this thought scare him? When he thought about it, he never really liked being the experienced one that made all the decisions, he hated being in charge of any part of that. Was he worried he would make a mistake, or mess up? Why did the thought of being in a dominant position scare him so much? Or was it really that? It had to be, Matt reasoned, there was no other explanation for why he hadn't gone ahead and slept with Mello five minutes ago. His head started to hurt from all the contemplating, and he soon just gave up trying to figure out the answer. It was just one of those things that you always dreamed of doing, but when it came to actually doing it, you always chickened out: kind of like Bungee Jumping.
After a while, Mello appeared back in the bedroom and went into the closet to change into dry clothes, before going over to the dresser and beginning to comb out his wet hair. Matt got up from the window-seat and went over to the blond, taking the comb from his hand. "Sit down," he said softly, guiding Mello to the bed and sitting him down while Matt crawled behind him and proceeded with running the comb gently through the other boy's wet blond hair.
Matt caught the strong whiff of lemon-scented shampoo, and couldn't resist leaning in and resting his forehead against the blond's head and inhaling the sweet scent. Mello stiffened slightly, but then relaxed and leaned against Matt, closing his eyes. "Do you think we ever will?" he asked softly, and Matt knew he was asking about sex.
"Sure, sometime," Matt told him, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close.
"So when would you consider me 'ready'?" Mello asked, a slight undertone of bitterness in his voice. Matt suddenly understood why Mello was irritated about it: he hated being treated like a child.
"I just don't think now is the right time. I don't mean you aren't ready. But tonight, right now, just isn't best."
"How long do you plan on waiting?"
"I don't know," Matt said truthfully.
"Who said you get to make all the decisions around here, anyway?" Mello asked, turning around and poking Matt in the forehead. "Don't I get a say?"
"This is a decision that requires the both of us, Mello. It'll happen sometime, but not tonight."
"Tease." Mello playfully stuck out his tongue, and Matt hit him with a pillow.
"Look, I..." Matt began, blushing and looking down. "The reason that I don' t want to right now, it's not because I don't think you're ready or whatever."
Mello looked at him curiously. "Then why?"
Matt's face turned a deeper shade of red. He obviously wasn't well-versed in expressing his more intimate thoughts. "It's just... wh-when we finally do...y-you know, I...I want it... I want it to be perfect, special. I-I don't want to just "do it", I... I want it to have meaning."
The blond stared, slightly surprised. "Oh." However he then smiled, throwing his arms around the other boy and knocking him backward on the bed. "You could have just told me that, ya know~" He wrapped his arms around Matt's waist and rested his head on the redhead's stomach. "That's really sweet... If that's your reason, then I'm happy to wait~"
Matt smiled despite himself, his face still burning. "Y-yeah."
"Oh, you know what would be great? A nice fancy hotel somewhere, with a hot tub and a huge bed~"
"Wh-what the!"
Mello grinned. "If you're planning so much detail into this, then I at least want some say in it!"
"You're such a child."
"Yeah?" Mello stuck out his tongue. "Well then you're a grown-up!"
-End of Chapter 4-
*I know it's probably a far-fetched idea that Matt would be able to drive – at the time I wrote this I didn't know the age for permits/licenses in Germany was around 17-18 (like in most of Europe), but I didn't feel like changing it all. The original idea is that Matt doesn't have a license but his uncle still lets him drive because he doesn't want him to be stuck at home all the time. I've read stories where younger kids have driven themselves in times of need, so in reality it could happen. I'm only explaining this in case someone was planning to point it out I:
"Anna" was someone I wasn't really happy to create. It's not because she was a homophobe, I just feel that her actions were...exaggerated a bit? I'm not sure, because I've never met an extreme homophobe before. And even those few people that are strongly against homosexuality and such (that I have met) are very nice to me (there's one girl who even still hugs me ö_ö), so I don't really know if there are some people who would really be so -erm- like that in that situation.
Also I owe a major thanks to Aysa-chan for the Biergarten scene XD I was originally going to have them go to a restaurant (and we got into the discussion because I asked her about a German name for the restaurant). She then told me about Biergartens, and I decided they would go there instead. But of course I've never been to one, so I had no idea how one would go about entering/ordering/paying, etc... I think I spent about an hour asking her questions about it XD So I deeply thank you, Aysa-chan, for putting up with my many questions that day!.
- Also the Bill Kaulitz T-shirt idea was totally because I have a shirt exactly like that which I LOVE.
Translations:
'Entschuldigen Sie' – excuse me
'Verstehen Sie Englisch?' - do you understand English?