Chapter 4: Isn't sleeping supposed to make you LESS tired?
The snoring was making things harder.
Sleeping on the couch was not an easy thing in the first place. Sleeping on the couch when you haven't slept on one in years was even more difficult; especially considering that Hitsugaya rarely used his couch, spending most of his time at the office, meaning it was unfamiliar and not well-worn.
And unfortunately, somewhere in the pile of junk that Matsumoto had brought with her was a cuckoo clock that made a sound like a parrot begin beaten to death with a screaming monkey, every hour on the hour. Hitsugaya, for the life of him, couldn't find the damn thing among the pile of tacky crap that his Vice-Captain had left in his living room. So in any case, sleeping on the couch was much harder tonight than usual.
But the snoring was the worst part.
For all her feminine appearance, Matsumoto snored like a wildebeest. And Hitsugaya, sadly, had no idea WHY. Matsumoto had fallen asleep in his office pretty much every day for… he didn't even know how LONG, every day with her was like a week with anyone else, which made keeping track of time problematic… and never once had she snored. So why now? Why NOW, when he actually needed her to be quiet for once?!
He covered his head with a pillow. No good. He shoved a blanket under the door to try to drown out the noise, but that was even less effective. Makeshift earplugs were constructed from cottonballs, but to no avail. Even a combination of the above three was utterly without success. So not only had Matsumoto developed an entirely new snoring problem especially for him, but apparently it was some sort of intense, supersonic powered snore that could pierce solid matter and burn its way directly into his brain. Maybe if I put a pillow over HER head, taking special care to cover her mouth and nose… he thought darkly. Then he sighed. No, no, murder isn't the answer. We learned that earlier today, didn't we? We shall simply have to live with the noise. It isn't THAT bad. I mean, we have faced death, looked into the unfeeling eyes of killers and struck at them without fear in our heart. Compared to this, a little snoring is no problem at all.
Matsumoto's snoring suddenly increased in volume to the point it was actually making his couch move slightly.
On the other hand, maybe the snoring actually IS worse than Aizen tickling my lungs with his sword. At least that was over with quick! As quick as smothering Matsumoto… no, no that's bad. But... nobody said I have to murder her. I could just gag her. He thought, getting up and tearing a strip of fabric from his blanket. The way that woman sleeps, she probably won't even wake up. And if she does, and wonders what I'm doing… well, murder is always an OPTION, even if it isn't the best one. Satisfied with this new course of action, Hitsugaya walked over to his hijacked bedroom, opened the door, and stepped in.
The snoring stopped.
"… huh?" he said, openly confused. Well, that's odd. But at least she stopped. He thought, pleasantly surprised. He turned around and stepped back out of the room.
The snoring began again. In earnest. In fact, he could actually feel it making his skeleton vibrate a little bit.
Okay, this is just absurd. He stepped back into the room, and the snoring stopped again. He stepped out, and it once again redoubled. You must be joking, he thought. Because surely, this almost had to be somebody's idea of a joke. Because the only other explanation he could think of was completely ludicrous. Certainly, the explanation couldn't be that Matsumoto only snored when he wasn't in the same room as her.
Although, that WOULD explain why she never snored when sleeping in the office…Said the evil little voice in the back of his mind that existed to make him unhappy. It had been chatting with him a lot lately.
God dammit, the woman is even an inconvenience when she's asleep… Hitsugaya grumbled back to his own mind. Gathering up his blanket and pillow from the couch, he set them down on the floor in his… well, Matsumoto's now… bedroom to create a makeshift sleeping bag. Settling down on the floor… the hard, cold floor… he sighed and did his best to get comfortable. Putting in a reminder to himself to get a thicker carpet put in, he tossed and turned until he found a position that kept him underside comparatively well padded from the floor. It wasn't exactly perfect, but at least it was serviceable, and now that the room was quiet, his intense fatigue was at last letting him drift off to sleep.
Right up until a delicate foot slammed into his stomach.
"URK!" he said eloquently, sitting up and clutching his midsection in pain. Matsumoto, for her part, continued on to the bathroom apparently not noting in her half-awake state that she had just managed to stomp on her Captain.
As Hitsugaya breathed deep, trying to get back the wind that had just been knocked out of him, he took stock of the situation. Okay, okay. That wasn't her fault. She had no way of knowing that I would be laying here. How could she know? I'm between her and the door, it's not a problem. I'll just move to the other side of the room to avoid this happening again. Once again satisfied with his course of action, he moved his little sleeping bag thing to the other side of the bed so he was no longer between the door and the bed. Once again, he laid down and attempted to sleep.
The snoring began again.
WHAT THE HELL?! Hitsugaya thought, shooting fully awake again. Getting up, he checked his bed to find it totally empty of unwanted roommates. Oh, come ON! He thought in exasperation, going into the living room where Matsumoto had (Why the Hell not?) fallen asleep ON THE COUCH. Naturally, of course, her insane snoring stopped when he entered the room.
Sighing, Hitsugaya moved his makeshift bedding yet again, making DAMN sure not to put it between Matsumoto and anywhere she might possibly need to walk during the night. He set down to sleep for the third time.
"Mmmmmm… bear…" Matsumoto whined.
Sleep talking again? Hitsugaya thought dully.
"Bear… where? Bear. BEAR!" Matsumoto suddenly shrieked.
"GAH!" Hitsugaya started, jumping up at the sudden scream. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
"BEAR!"
What is she going on about now?! She… she… oh, she can't be serious… he thought angrily, remembering that she had, in fact, brought a teddy bear with her when she'd arrived in his home. And, sure enough, she wasn't holding it. Sighing for what seemed like the millionth time that night, Hitsugaya went back to his bed, where she had been sleeping, and recovered the fluffy brown stuffed bear. Taking it back into the living room, he looked at the plush animal and whispered, "Your mommy had better appreciate the crap I put up with for her!"
He looked down at Matsumoto and sighed yet again. Typically (for her, anyway) her 'pajamas' were more like lingerie than normal sleepwear; a lacy, loose fitting negligee. But in total contrast with the provocative nightwear, she actually looked a little childish in her sleep. Curled in a fetal position, with an expression of intense worry on her face and muttering for her teddy bear. He smiled… just a little!... and put the bear next to her where she could grab it.
Her hand clamped around his wrist.
"What the ULF!" Hitsugaya said, eloquently, as he suddenly found himself wrestled onto his own couch. Despite any number of shortcomings in other areas, Matsumoto was a physically impressive woman. Certainly, she was showing truly surprising strength and speed for a sleeping woman.
"Bear!" Matsumoto chirped in a satisfied voice, still asleep. She had gathered up Hitsugaya in her arms and was cuddling him like a teddy bear, her face buried in his hair.
Hitsugaya was in his pajamas, which were rather thin in comparison to his normal Shinigami robes, Matsumoto was in basically underwear, and they were, for all intents and purposes, spooning. He was enough of a man to admit that under normal circumstances, he'd be blushing so fiercely his face would catch fire.
These, however, were not normal circumstances, and Hitsugaya was most certainly not blushing. This was partially because circumstances had rendered his nearness to a half-naked woman to be the LAST thing on his mind, but mostly because Matsumoto had made it physically impossible for him to actually BE blushing.
Specifically, one of her delicate (yet surprisingly powerful) arms was wrapped firmly around Hitsugaya's neck, putting him into sort of a nocturnal headlock. He wasn't blushing because the flow of blood to his head was cut off by an arm that felt like a steel cable. Why doesn't she use this much effort when she's awake?! Hitsugaya thought desperately, trying to pry the offending limb off his neck. "Matsumoto… air… help…" he gasped, turning an interesting shade of blue.
"Bear." Matsumoto said happily. If it was possible, her grip got even tighter
"I… hate… you…" Hitsugaya managed to growl, as his vision began to blur. He realized he was probably hallucinating, but the actual teddy bear seemed to be smiling in relief that it had been knocked on the floor in the struggle. Hitsugaya couldn't blame it.
"Growly bear." Matsumoto giggled, remaining blissfully asleep and oblivious to her suffocating captain.
Hitsugaya passed out.
As he awoke in the morning, Hitsugaya could only marvel at the fact that apparently he'd gotten a really great pillow at some point.
It was soft, and warm, and incredibly comfortable. It certainly made sleeping on the couch better. Heck, it even smelled nice! It seemed to move a little on its own, but that was okay. Sort of like a massage feature, even! Groggily, he nestled back into his pillow a little bit to fall back asleep.
"Well, good morning stranger." Matsumoto purred in his ear.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" Hitsugaya screamed, leaping off the couch where he had been using his vice-captain as a pillow.
"Sleep well?" Matsumoto said, eyes glittering mischievously.
NOW he was blushing. "I… I… you… we… strangle… bear!" He stammered.
"Hmmmmm?" Matsumoto questioned, that smug smile still plastered on her face.
"STOP SMILING!" Hitsugaya snapped. "Absolutely nothing happened that anyone should be smiling about! This was… this was an accident, nothing more!"
"Oh, don't be so shy, captain! I understand! You're a young man, hormones raging, it's only natural you'd be attracted to a beautiful older woman like myself…" Matsumoto said.
"I am NOT attracted to YOU!" Hitsugaya roared.
"Oh, really? Then why were you all cuddled up to me in just those pajamas? You even had your head between my–" Matsumoto began, her smile becoming downright wicked.
"I DID NOT!" Hitsugaya shouted, blushing harder than he ever had in his life.
"I think I would know. And heck, I was even sober." Matsumoto said mildly.
"YOU WOULDN'T KNOW! YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING! YOU HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE!"
"Ah, why do you have to be so cold? We just cuddled a lil'…"
"No, we didn't! You attacked me, tried to strangle me, and held me against my will! It was assault! Attempted murder!" Hitsugaya proclaimed.
"You know, if you always react like this when you wake up next to a woman, you'll have a really hard time keeping your next girlfriend…"
"My next…? YOU ARE NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!"
"Oh, so then this was just 'fun' to you?! It didn't mean anything?!"
"What the hell are you talking about?!"
"I thought we HAD something! I thought we'd really connected! But now I find out you're just toying with my heart?!" Matsumoto snapped, now totally serious. Tears were forming in her eyes.
"Um… Matsumoto, I'm… sorry?" Hitsugaya said, concerned by the pain in her voice.
"Just… just leave. I don't want to see you right now."
"All right, I'll… I'll just go." Hitsugaya said guiltily, leaving the house.
Matsumoto smiled, and began counting. "I give him five seconds. One, two, three, four, five…"
Hitsugaya walked back into the house, scowling in rage. "You're making fun of me, aren't you?"
"Sorry, it was just too much fun to stop…" Matsumoto said, her wickedly amused smile returning in full force.
"It was most certainly not fun. It was cruel and unbefitting a Shinigami vice-captain," Hitsugaya said seriously. "… Although I'll admit I am rather impressed you can cry on command."
"Oh, that's nothing. I just think about koalas."
"… Huh? Why... why do Koalas make you sad?"
Matsumoto rolled her eyes, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "As if you really have to ask. Seriously though, sir, don't get all bent out of shape over what happened last night. Because, well, nothing DID happen. Hell, I even slept really well! So just forget about it."
"No, no. You're a guest and I… my actions were entirely innappropriate towards a lady in my household, no matter the circumstances. Granted, you aren't much of a lady, but I still feel as though I've insulted you. I apologize." Hitsugaya said solemnly.
"Awwww… you're so cute when you try to act all serious and grown-up, sir!" She replied, ruffling his hair.
"I am not!" he growled in return.
"Yeah, you are." she said, pinching his cheek affectionately.
"Ow! Matsumoto, seriously, stop."
"That's not what you said last night…"
"I… I… I…" Hitsugaya said, blushing full-force once again. "But I thought… you said… Oh. OH. Matsumoto, I seriously hate you sometimes." Hitsugaya growled.
"B-but, I thought w-we were in love…" Matsumoto said, tears filling her eyes.
Hitsugaya narrowed his eyes. "That trick only works once."
"Oh well. It was funny anyway!" She replied, once again cheerful. Springing up from the couch, she happily skipped over to his bathroom to clean up before work.
"I really, really need to see about replacing her," Hitsugaya said ruefully. "That woman is entirely too much of a handful."
"Now that, you DID say last night!" Matsumoto shouted from the bathroom.
"I… you… we… I…" Hitsugaya spluttered. Then he sighed sadly. She's really, really very loyal. Think about her loyalty, not her other… assets. Do it! Not for the first time, he cursed the decision to give him a female vice-captain when his age meant he was, basically, a walking hormone bomb. He didn't think of Matsumoto in that way, he really didn't, but she WAS attractive, and he really didn't have much experience with women, making him an easy target for her teasing. He probably wouldn't have minded so much if she hadn't been so gleefully sadistic about it, but still…
"Oh, Captain sir, if you don't mind, I'm drawing a bath in here, and I could use a little help scrubbing my back…" Matsumoto said in a sing-song voice.
Aaaaaaaaaand I'm blushing again! Perfect! Hitsugaya thought angrily as his face reddened.
"You are so easy." Matsumoto said triumphantly, seemingly knowing his reaction without ever looking outside the bathroom.
Dammit, Hitsugaya, take back the power! Don't let her play you like that! Yeah, she's nice to look at, but focus on something else! Think about her flaws! She has lots of flaws, focus on those!
Just then, however, an ear-splitting crash resounded from his bathroom. "Um… sir…" Matsumoto began. She no longer sounded gleeful. "I was… um… taking my pajamas off to get in the bath, and they got caught in my hair, and I was trying to get them out, and… long story short, you didn't like that big, expensive-looking mirror you had hanging over your sink, did you? Because it's… not hanging there anymore. For mysterious reasons that we won't go into now."
Yes. Hitsugaya thought, teeth gritted and fists clenched, his face turning red for reasons that had NOTHING to do with embarassment. She definitely has flaws.
"Um... let's say, theoretically, that when the mirror fell off the wall, it broke a huge chunk out of your floor. How angry would you be?" Matsumoto asked.
Many, MANY flaws.