AN: Part four, just one more to go! I'll be posting a sneak peak of chapter five on my tumblr (dorianbeingawesome) like I did with this last chapter. Let me know what you think of this one. -Dorian
Sebastian had been walking around for hours. His dad was really sick now, the doctors were giving him weeks to live. Sebastian had asked him to transfer to a hospital in New York, to which he'd agreed. Sebastian had already talked to the staff, and they'd agreed to let his father spend christmas at home, a nurse checking on him from time to time.
It would be only Sebastian and Samuel as Hunter would be going home for the holidays, as usual. Not even this year, not even their first year as husbands- He cut off that trail of thought.
It's all the same. Nothing's changed.
He'd been so disappointed. It was stupid, really. Like a spur of the moment decision would really change anything. They'd had breakfast in bed the morning after, everything feeling a bit surreal and he'd been so fucking happy, but as soon as it knocked on the door Hunter had quietly asked him to go back to his own bed. At first Sebastian had figured he didn't want to drop a bomb like that, instead sitting Corey and Pete down to explain. But the two days they had left passed and Hunter still didn't tell them.
He still hadn't.
Hunter didn't wear the ring outside their apartment, sometimes not even in their apartment. Sebastian did, because why shouldn't he? He was married - will wonders ever cease? - and he was actually proud to be. Seeing the ring was bittersweet though, a constant reminder of the promise he'd thought Hunter had given him.
It had been five tense months. It hadn't been all bad, not really, but it was this nagging feeling, this constant pain eating away at him.
I'm not enough. I'm his but he's not mine.
They were exclusive now, at least it meant that much to Hunter. No dates and no sex with others. A few months ago, Sebastian had gone and changed his last name to Smythe-Clarington after one of their more vicious fights, just to piss Hunter off. He still refused to change it back, and Hunter had only asked him once.
"You asked me to marry you, Hunter," Sebastian spat. "Maybe you shouldn't have if you didn't mean it!"
"Changing your last name is just fucking childish," Hunter snapped back. "What am I supposed to tell everyone?"
"Oh, I dunno. That we're married, Hunter," Sebastian suggested, sneering.
Things were supposed to get better now, not worse.
"Change it back!" Hunter demanded, slamming his fist into a wall.
"No!" Sebastian roared back. "You and me, this," he pointed at the ring on his ring finger, voice suddenly breaking as his anger evaporated."Means something to me. I just-" He pulled his fingers through his hair, wanting to scream in frustration.
"It means some-"
"Shut the fuck up!" Sebastian shouted. "Shut your lying fucking mouth!"
"Sebastian-" Hunter tried to reach for him but Sebastian pushed him away.
"I'm tired of playing pretend, Hunter," Sebastian said tiredly. "I want something real. Like reading our last names together on my mail."
Hunter sat down heavily on one of the kitchen chairs. "I'm sorry," he said hoarsely. Nowadays he said those words more often than 'I love you'.
"Yeah, me too."
Earlier tonight, Sebastian had asked him about Christmas, assuming he'd spend it at home, their home. But of course he wasn't. Sebastian kicked a bin as he walked past it. He hated how he felt like a fucking jealous housewife, acted like one too. They'd fought, and Sebastian had left.
"For once in your fucking life, can you put me first?" Sebastian shouted.
"I've already told my parents-" Hunter tried to reason, sitting on the couch, following Sebastian's pacing.
"My father is fucking dying, Hunter!" Sebastian leaned over him, one hand on each side of his head. "This will be my last Christmas with him and I want, I need you there."
Hunter looked away."Bas, I-"
"Fuck it." Sebastian grabbed his coat and slammed the door behind him.
He hadn't realized he'd had a destination until he looked up at the familiar apartment building. Not even hesitating, he climbed the stairs and knocked on the door.
One breath. Two. I should leave. No. Stay.
The door opened.
"Can I come in?"
"Of course," Blaine said, stepping aside.
-'-'-
"Hi."
Hunter looked up from the magazine he hadn't been reading when Sebastian finally came back home. Sebastian threw the magazine away, straddling him and kissing him deeply. His lips were cold, it had been snowing all night and was still freezing outside. There was something almost desperate about the kiss and suddenly Hunter felt scared. "Bas?"
"Missed you," Sebastian said into his mouth. "Kiss me." Hunter complied, trying to tell himself he was making up things. Sebastian not spending the night at home always made him on edge.
He stayed with a friend. He wouldn't lie to me. He just needed a breather. He slept at a friend's place.
He knew he'd been an asshole, he knew he was pushing him away but he just felt so caught up in everything. Maybe the marriage had been a stupid idea, but he still felt a spike of joy run through him when he looked at the ring hanging in a chain around his neck, reminding him they belonged together, no matter what.
He knew he should stay at home, his and Sebastian's home. He'd thought about it over night, it wasn't like he'd gotten any sleep. It would actually make sense to stay, even to his family.
I'll tell my mother about Sebastian's dad dying, she'll understand me wanting to be there for a friend. And I don't think I can live with myself if I abandon him now.
"I love you," Hunter said, holding on to him tightly, fisting his shirt. Sebastian froze for a second and suddenly Hunter couldn't breathe.
"Love you back," Sebastian said, pressing their foreheads together. "You know that. I love you so much, Hunt," Sebastian breathed, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.
"Yeah." Hunter ran his hands up and down his back.
You spent the night at a friend's, Bas. Please, let's pretend you did. Don't say anything.
"I spent the night with Blaine."
With Blaine, not at Blaine's.
Hunter closed his eyes, feeling sick to his stomach. "I see."
You knew you could only push him so far. You've lost him, you fucking idiot!
"We talked a lot. About you and me, him and Kurt. About everything really." Sebastian scooted back, standing up.
"And?" Hunter had to force the word out, already missing Sebastian's warmth.
"And Blaine made me look at myself, really look, and I realized-" Sebastian shook his head. "I really hate what I'm seeing." He took his jacket off, throwing it on the floor as he talked. "I'm hanging on to you, Hunt. I'm trying to be your everything, but you just keep rejecting me and I just can't keep doing this." He kept moving, like he couldn't stand to be still. Hunter, on the other hand, felt frozen, incapable of moving even a finger. "It's like being back at Scandals and trying to get the attention of the hottest guy because you need him to want you. To know you're good enough." Sebastian swallowed thickly. "To know someone wants you. And I know you want me. Hell, I even believe you when you say you love me, but..." Sebastian shook his head. "I can't be this person. I've been stuck in my fucking need for confirmation, needing to be enough for you. So that maybe you'll finally tell them. You won't be ashamed of me." His voice was breaking.
I've done this to him. I've hurt him so bad.
"So that maybe you'll put me first, because I'm your partner, Hunter," he continued hoarsely, balling his fists. "No, I'm your fucking joke of a husband", he spat, pausing, collecting himself. "But last night, I realized that's not going to happen," he continued. "Because I'm never enough. Not for anyone. Not even for you." Sebastian hugged himself, shaking.
He still has that abandoned look he had when he realized his mother didn't love him enough to come back to us. Samuel's voice seemed to echo in Hunter's ears.
Both of them were crying now. God it hurt hearing him say things like that. Sebastian was his everything, how could he not be enough? How could he not understand how much he loved him? How absolutely wonderful he was?
"I'm sorry, Hunt. But I can't do this." Sebastian rubbed his face with his hands, looking at him with red rimmed eyes. Hunter wanted to reach out, touch him, comfort him.
Let me hold you, Bas. Let's pretend we'll be okay.
"Bas, we'll work this out-" Hunter pressed his hands against his chest, still nailed to the spot.
I love you. I love you I love you I love you. Please let's work this out please Bas oh my God this isn't happening.
"We won't. You won't. Because I can't do anything to fix this." Sebastian sighed, looking so very tired. He'd stopped crying. "I didn't cheat on you last night, or what would have been cheating if this," he gestured between them, "was real."
Oh thank god he only slept there.
"It is-" Hunter tried to insist.
"It's not. And I finally get that." Sebastian looked out the window, turning his back on Hunter's hunched form. "I can't put my life on hold for you. Blaine and Kurt have been back together for a few months, they're spending christmas with Kurt's family. Blaine took care of Kurt's dad when he was sick and Kurt lived in New York, and Kurt is going Christmas shopping with Blaine's mum in a few days." Sebastian wiped his cheek angrily, turning back towards him. "I'm not saying I want you to take care of my dad, or that I want to go shopping with your mother but I want to at least be acknowledged. Don't I at least deserve that?" he asked.
Hunter nodded, because of course he did. He knew that, that's why the question felt like a stab in the gut. "Yes," he whispered.
"THEN WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME THAT?" Sebastian roared, startling him. He walked out of the room, then back in a moment later. "I love you. I have tried to be patient but guess what, I wont live with you in Narnia, I want to live in the real world where you introduce your husband to your friends instead of telling him to get out of your bed."
"Give me time-" Hunter begged.
We belong together. You and me, Hunter and Sebastian, we belong together. Don't do this, Bas.
"I've given you five years! I've waited for you for five years, Hunter." Sebastian took a heavy breath, closing his eyes as the tears started running again. "I want a divorce," he said, and it was like a wave came down crushing Hunter, stealing the air from his lungs.
Maybe it's just a divorce. He won't leave me. Not Bas. We belong together, he can't leave me. He loves me.
"You want to break up?" Hunter forced himself to ask.
"Yeah," Sebastian nodded, not looking at him.
When he'd walked out the door, carrying a bag with clothes and other necessary things, Hunter sat staring into the wall for a long time, waiting for him to come back. Begging to hear the sound of his footsteps up the stairs, his key in the lock. Bas coming home to him like he always did.
Except he won't. Not this time. Oh god, Bas, I'm so sorry for everything please please please come back to me.
Hunter's body was cramping, he was sobbing so hard.
-'-'-
It had been two weeks. Sebastian had contacted a lawyer, signed the papers and dropped them off at Hunter's new apartment. They'd managed to trade theirs for two smaller ones, a couple wanting to move in together had responded to Sebastian's ad and a week later they'd moved. Sebastian had lived at Blaine's that week, not able to face Hunter. He'd made the right decision, but it still hurt.
All the time. God I miss him.
Living with Blaine had meant more or less living with Kurt. That had been, interesting. Mostly they'd jeered insults at each other or engaged in glaring-contests, driving Blaine completely mad.
He would never admit it, but he'd begun to think Kurt was slightly likeable. If nothing else, Sebastian always enjoyed a good fight.
He would never forget the night he'd spent at Blaine's before breaking up with Hunter. He'd been a mess, crying and raging and crying even more. In the end, Blaine had just held him, spooning him until they fell asleep. He'd woken up to the sound of hushed voices in the kitchen, Blaine explaining why he'd been spooning Sebastian Smythe in his bed to his upset boyfriend. The conversation had been rather entertaining at first, then it had suddenly reminded him of him and Hunter. Their bickering, maniac Mondays - all the small things.
Then again, everything reminded him of Hunter.
He shivered in his coat, hurrying towards the subway-station, having spent the afternoon christmas shopping.
Home, leave the stuff and go see dad.
He hoped his dad would make it past christmas, he'd hate to spend it alone, mourning.
I can't believe he'll be gone in a few weeks. Don't mourn him before he's dead.
"You fucking little faggot! Been shopping for but plugs, have you?" Laughter treated the comment.
"Oh, it's you again," Sebastian said, not looking back. The little gang of creeps. It must be his lucky day. He fought the urge to quicken his pace, knowing it would only encourage them.
Almost there.
"All high and mighty. Walks like a fucking queen," another guy jeered.
Ignore them. Almost there.
"Here pansy pansy pansy. I have some cock for you," the first guy singsonged to more laughter. Sebastian could see the entrance now, people milling about, up and down the stairs.
Thank god.
The first blow made him stagger, the pain shocked him.
There's people here. Witnesses. Why-?
It took him only a second to gather his wits, breaking into a run.
He almost made it.