Authors notes:

Part of me wants to complete the whole story by the end of the weekend, but then it will be complete and my life will return to normal. No more day dreaming, my muse will have done her job, and I would have to go in search of other inspiration. I'm torn, for now I'll continue, in the hopes the lyrics will guide me to a suitable place that both suits the characters and the storyline.

This chapter is place a couple of weeks later, Jenna Kaye is now around and Steve is a little more on edge what with all the envelopes etc. Hoping this all makes sense and you are able to bare with me.

Thanks for reading and for the positive comments, you are so generous and kind. Enjoy!

Clown

Kono's POV

If a stranger was to look at me, I am sure they would see a strong confident person sitting here. I women in control of her destiny, a strong women able to cope with her demanding job, in a career populated with mainly men. I guess in that way, I am succeeding in keeping it all in. Everything is still so fresh in my mind, if left to dwell I easily am able to spiral out of control. That said I am getting good at checking myself at the entrance to the office... how i choose to deal with This at home is fine, but here, here I have to pretend everything is hunky dory.

I enter to hear laughing at the station table, not unusual, Danny can banter with the best of them. And I can deal with that, I can pretend to laugh also, what I struggle with is seeing Steve laugh and seem relaxed. In my mind I figured, no I hoped that once I saw that it would be a signal of My Steve returning back to me. No, he's still not my Steve. I head to my office and wait for news of a case. Today is not a day I can banter... it's not been a day like that for a while.

I guess it's funnier from where you're standing

'Cause from over here I've missed the joke

It amazes me that even though we work together and there are only 4 sorry with Jenna here 5, he is still able to manage to keep his contact with me to a minimal, our only dicussions tend to be with the group around the table. I see him watching me occassional checking where am so he can choose an alternative route. The awkward run in in the store cupboard the other day stopped us in our tracks. He froze when I opened the door like he was a rabbit caught in the headlights. I stuttered and mumbled "Sorry wrong room!" - those post it's could wait. I thought I heard him call my name as the door closed, but I couldn't be sure, and was to afraid to re-open it if i was mistaken. He didn't come after me so I figured it was in my head.

I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate

I'd be patient if I had the time

My days are spent always busy, by the end of the day I am always exhausted, but they also seem so long and time is always found to dwell on other things not pertinant to the case and to behonest things that I alone can not fix. I often find myself looking out of my office window, seeing them all out there together, wondering how the world can keep on turning, how no one has really picked up that everything has changed. Chin knows something has changed, but knows that I'll bring it up in my own time. I figure he has enough on his plate and what use would it do anyway. It's my own fault, I knew who I was getting involved with. Our eyes meet fleetingly when Danny mentions something which makes him laugh, the laugh reaches his eyes and he must see hope in my eyes, because just as quickly as it appeared it leaves and he looks away.

So I'll be your clown

Behind the glass

Go 'head and laugh 'cause it's funny

I would too if I saw me

I guess in a way it's a greiving process, by my calculations I'm at angry, frustrated, annoyed at myself for still holding on to the torch. I find the smallest things set me off, I've taken to using pencils at my desk, the joy of snapping them seems to satisfy me somewhat when I see him smile or joke. Lunch times I tend to find myself tucked away at the far end of the shooting range, the release fills another void. Surfing is still my Master though, the need to race from the office at 5 ever the sole joy in my life. A couple of hours spent planning my next route, which is stupid I know thoughts of running, leaving abandoning my position are not things I could ever do. Whatever turns out they are my Ohana. I've felt unrequited love before, and although this not the same, I know what he is doing and why he is doing it and perhaps when this Wo Fat is caught we will be able to be reunited. For now though I promise myself to get out of this rut to move on slightly to do better to intergrate, before the quizzical looks from Danny and Chin turn into and intervention of some kind.

From a distance my choice seems simple

From a distance I can entertain

So you can see me I put makeup on my face

But there is no way you can see it

From so far away

Day 1, new outfit, smile pasted on my face, hair looking pretty darn good if I do admit it myself. Smokey eyes always help boost my confidence undercover, and after all isn't this what it is, all an act? I'm early as usual, no one is in. I walk around the office, I don't let myself do this nowadays just incase I walk into him. Today I spot new additons to walls, new gadgets, my memory recalls moments of times gone past, looks, smiles, touches. A smile approaches my face, my fingers reach my lips as if I need proof myself that one is there. Will this be enough for the time being, memories? I hear footsteps, but rather than retrace my steps back to my office I decide that the new me will wait by the table with this smile greeting my Ohana.

My life's a circus-circus rounding circles

I'm selling out tonight