Fast Forward.
Graduation day. Letting go.
Press play.
=0=
The gymnasium air was hot, stuffy, sticky, and veritably vibrating with excitement. Boys' gowns were green, sickly yellow for the girls. For all the bellyaching everyone had done in the weeks leading up ("This is a travesty! The yellow contrasts with my hair SOO bad! Yellow gowns – it should be against the law, honestly!" Ino had shrieked, holding the gown against her chest and shuddering convulsively), a casual observer would be none the wiser today.
Sakura's heart squeezed in equal parts of excitement, pride, and nostalgia as she watched her friends march up to the podium single-file. A low, pulsing thrum in her ears hallmarked the blood rushing to her face – it was here, and she had no idea whether to feel happy or sad as this page in her life was turned.
She never heard her name called, but knew it was her turn when the carefully ordered line Kurenai-sensei had ushered them into parted to reveal the stage.
Her fingers tingled as they curled around the diploma. She met Iruka-sensei's eyes and beamed; he smiled right back.
"I'll expect you to be graduating at the top of your med-school class, too," he whispered, shaking her hand in congratulatory fashion. "You go and show that not only delinquents come outta this school, and your old sensei can still turn out a good one every now and again, hey?"
"Of course, sensei." Her eyes stung, but she told herself it was from the heat. She blinked harder.
"Don't forget any of this, Sakura Haruno," he murmured.
And just like that, one part of her life was over, and another was just beginning – a page turned, a new history in the making.. Tears prickled at her eyes, making the graduation caps whirling madly towards the gymnasium ceiling only a blur. They marched out in double-rows again, and cliques of friends gathered outside the gymnasium door in equal parts whoops of joy and tears of sorrow.
"Stop crying, you're gonna smear your makeup, stupid," Ino admonished laughingly – saying nothing for the mascara tears smearing the apple of her own cheeks. Sakura choked a watery laugh.
"No matter what, we'll always be best friends – promise me!" the blonde girl demanded bossily.
Behind her, Shikimaru snorted, rolling his eyes at the girls overly emotional blubbering and hugs. "Some tacky graduation gowns and a piece of paper don't elicit a sudden change in human dynamics," he recited blandly.
"Damn right!" Naruto jeered, dodging abruptly through the throng of seniors, spectators, and families in a sudden impromptu appearance worthy of a ninja. Before they could dodge, he whipped an arm around both Ino and Shikimaru's necks, squeezing them in spite of their protests and squirming efforts to be free.
Naruto's silent, solemn shadow was staring over the begrudging mass of group hug. When the tingling sensation of being watched finally crawled up her neck and made ignoring him an impossibility, she met Sasuke's gaze. She looked at him, looking at her, and the fond smile slipped from her lips.
"No… I suppose they don't," he murmured quietly. If she had to give the look on his face a name, she might have called it regret.
"Ino, Shikimaru, Naruto… I'll email you… I've gotta go, mom is calling... Probably time for some commemorative photos, y'know?" She turned, unwittingly elbowing someone in the process, but that didn't deter her. Skillfully, she pushed into the crowd, intent on disappearing.
"Sakura!" Her name sounded choked, as if he hadn't fully intended on calling out to her so frantically. Dimly, she registered a few muffled "oof!"s and "watch where you're going"s behind her as he pushed to catch up. "Sakura, wait! I –"
Her feet stuck, but only for a moment. Almost as an afterthought, she let her gaze slide to the Uchiha one last time. His mouth moved, but he seemed at a loss for words. He snapped his mouth shut, and the look on his face was pleading.
Her heart tore, and yet, the only words she could find to offer were a demure, "Good luck, Sasuke."
The real meaning behind the words rang like a shot in the dark – real and present, but never in a tangible sense. 'Good bye, Sasuke. I plan on keeping up with the others, but not you. Never you.'
A new leaf. She turned the page on the bane that was Uchiha Sasuke, and breathed a little easier for it.
That night, she dreamed.
=0=
"Please! Please bring Sasuke back!" She needed him like a sunflower needed the bright guidance of the sun. Never mind that the sun's path was ever the same – an unerring, predictable track of east-to-west. Never mind that it was forever out of reach.
She needed him like she needed air.
… She needed him like an addict needed the burning thrum of acid in her veins, melting away a world she could never deal with on her own.
Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke.
She dreamed of herself – a weeping, snot-nosed, chubby-cheeked mess of flesh without even an ounce of the strength of character needed to call that flesh 'human' rather than 'biological mass'. She dreamed of being an entity outside of her physical being, looking down on herself in that way that you only could in dreams – and what she saw disgusted and horrified her.
"Weak… You're so weak…"
And even when she dreamed of that sniveling-brat-Sakura begging to be mentored by someone of strength and character, she saw only the physicality of it. Mentally, the sniveling-brat whirred away on a treadmill, running, running, running, never moving an inch.
Waste of space. Weak, weak, weak…
And when she met him again – so resolved to show how strong she had become – when she died, when he killed her – she realized –
She had thrown it all away for him. Friends. Goals. Strength. Herself. She had thrown it all away for him -
And he had thrown her away without even a second glance.
She wished – she wished – she wished –
For a lifetime, she had run after him. And now, she was squandering another, running away. She wished –
=0=
Enough.
=0=
The morning after graduation, Sakura awoke slowly, and the journey out of the depth was as if a crushing pressure was being released from her chest. She didn't remember what she had dreamt of. She never did.
=0=
Press stop.
=0=