Chapter 4

I can't sleep, how can I? I just stare up at the ceiling, underneath all of the covers for protection. I feel hot, though I don't want to leave my cocoon of safety. My mind is spinning yet still at the same time. Have I gone mad?

There are mountains far off in the distance. Dad takes his big camera out to snap a few photos. Mom does the same with her phone, those will be posted later on Facebook. Heidi and I are looking at the mountains as well, the alps. It is all so beautiful, nothing like I've seen in Ohio. I remember going on a mountain when I was in Switzerland with my school. I got to touch a cloud. I wonder if we can do that again here.

There are other people parked to the side of the road like us. Most are American, though there are a few Asians and Indian people here as well, all looking out at the exact same view.

Once we finish taking our pictures, we start to hit the road. Dad is driving, as usual. While we drive I look out the window, something I usually do while we take long car rides. The hotel is pretty far away, so we are stuck driving through a scenic path. Heidi and I play a few games together while German music plays in the background. I enjoy the music, though it is not as good as the French music I listen too. Heidi enjoys the music as well, she sings along to a few songs that she knows, in German of course. I love hearing Heidi speak German, she is so good at it. Frau Engberg would be so proud.

Heidi, my sister, god I miss her. She should be 21 by now, it was her birthday last week. Happy belated birthday Heidi, you are now old enough to drink. Is she still alive? I guess it's better to believe that she is dead, she is safer that way. What if she got out. Maybe she is in Canada. It's hard to know.

We watch the news, thanking God that it's in English and not German. Images flash on the inside of the Capitol, security camera footage of the attack. They are all senators, the representatives, the speaker of the house, everyone is dead. The reporter is going on and on about the attack, saying that it was terrorists who did it, probably ISIS but we don't know for sure. Then his face is horrified as he listens in to his earpiece. The world goes silent as we wait for him to give us the news.

"I've just been notified that an explosive has been detonated in the White House," He tells his audience with horror on his face. My sister starts to cry and I join in with her. America is no longer safe, we can not go back. If this never had happened we would be leaving in a few days, but now with what's happening, I don't know what we will do. "Just breathe and pray," Mom says to calm us down, though she is on the verge of tears as well. Dad is holding her hand, I have never seen him more scared in his entire life. We are all scared.

The embassy is packed the next day, everyone begging to stay. We stand in line for over three hours. Luckily there is WiFi so I check social media. SnapChat is blowing up, some of my friends are saying that they are moving to Canada. A lot of people are trying to get out of America. Facebook is saying the same thing, people exploding about this new government suspending the constitution. Shit.

More and more people are talking about marches that are happening. Those are apparently being stopped at gun point, dozens of people dead. The news is blowing up as well. It seams like the end of the world is going on, more like the end of America.

My mind goes directly to my friends, Katie cat, Maddy, Grace and Claire. Are they alright? I hope they are safe. Katie isn't one for joining in on protests, she is too scared to join in on those. But still my mind goes to the darkest thoughts.

Eventually, after four hours of waiting, our number gets called. Mom and dad do most of the talking, saying that we need to stay here longer, until things die down a bit. The attendant doesn't budge, saying that we have to go when our vacation was scheduled to end.

After a long argument we eventually come to an agreement. Mom and dad can stay and get a job, but Heidi and I have to go back for school. l When we finish this school year, we can come back to Germany and stay with our parents. I don't understand why I can't finish high school here, but we have to submit or else we are all going home.

Our goodbyes at the airport was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Leaving my family, my parents, my sister. Saying goodbye to mom was probably the hardest. She is my mom! Knowing that I may never see her again kills me. We are all crying, I cling on to mom till my planes flight attendant comes to get us. We are traveling alone and my mom thought it would be good to have someone help us on our trip back, even though Heidi is an adult and can navigate her way around an airport.

The flight attendant looks sad as well, she can't possibly know what it's like to say goodbye to people you've known your whole life. People who you may never see again. It can kill a person. Stay, I Pray You from the musical Anastasia was playing in my head. How can I desert them? How can I say goodbye? Flight attendant hold the horses. Stay, I pray you. Let me have a moment, let me say goodbye.

Heidi and I got to sit together on the plane back to America. This plane felt like a death sentence. We are flying into the unknown. What once was a place that I loved and felt proud about is now a place that I never want to return to, something that terrifies me. I don't feel safe anymore. I listened to music on the plane. Book of Mormon, Anna Graceman, Anastasia, my favorite soundtracks to distract my mind to going to the darkest of places. A few movies played and I got to watch some which was nice. I don't remember the last movie I saw on that plane ride. Was it Coco? Or was it Incredibles 2? Then we landed.

The American airport was packed with people all wanting to leave for safer land. We over heard arguments over credit cards not working and that they can't separate their family. It all looked like a war zone with people running back and forth, crying, pushing and cutting through lines to get into security. Outside was just as worse. So many cars parked along the side, honking their horns and yelling like crazy. We are all going mad.

It wasn't hard to find the car, moms big white van. Heidi has her license, so we could easily get home and not have to hire an Uber. Traffic wasn't a problem for us, no one wanted to get back into America, it was getting out that was the problem. Cars honking and lining up the other side of the street, all wanting to enter the Airport. It reminded me of the movie Independence Day with everyone trying to leave for safer states.

Dusty and Tiger were excited to see us again. Tiger was all lovey dovey with us, meowing to giver her food. Dusty shunned us as usual but was quick to realize that she missed us. While we unpacked our suitcases, they waited by the mudroom door for mom and dad to come home. How do you tell a cat that their owners won't be coming home.

That night Tiger couldn't stop meowing for mom. Tiger and her have been BFFF (Best Feline Friends Forever) ever since we got them, and Tiger not being by mom's side makes her go crazy. I understand her pain, i'm feeling that right now.

The cats are dead now, I know it. When I was taken, they tried to help me. Pawed at the soldiers with their declawed paw, meowing in anger but also pleading them to stop. But my captors kicked them away. There were gunshots after I was put into the black van. They had to have shot them, it's more merciful that way instead of leaving them there to die of starvation.

I went back to work in the few weeks that I had left till school started, but on my first day back our boss gave us some terrible news. He said that he had to let us go. Obviously we were all shocked. My work place's employees is roughly 65% female, so letting all of those people go is going to cost them a lot. Flora, one of our leads, and my favorite person in the whole work place, was pissed. She is one to say what is on her mind and doesn't mind a fight, even with a guest. I enjoyed my work, being around people and seeing animals often was pretty cool. I never did anything wrong to be let go, and neither did any of these people. I told Heidi what had happened at work and she told me that she received an email from her boss at her internship that she was let off too. We were all in distraught that we forgot to eat dinner.

Heidi left for Kentucky A week after the work incident. She had to get back to college. Saying goodbye to her was harder than saying goodbye to my parents. She is my sister, my best friend, how can she leave me here alone? This was the last time I ever saw her. She gave me half of the money mom and dad gave us at the airport. The total was a little more than 200 dollars for each of us, not enough to live but good for starters. Though I don't know how I will get more since I don't have a job and all of my credit card and debit card money is gone.

I watched Heidi leave the house, she was crying and so was I. We knew that this was probably our last time to see each other, even though she said that she would visit every weekend if she could. We didn't know what would be thrown at us. All we could do was wish that we would see each other again. Her car drove off into the horizon.

The wedding dress hangs on the closet door across from me. It stares with evil eyes, telling me that my time is up. It's too excitable. I didn't want this gift, but what choice do I have. Do this or be considered an Unwoman. In the darkness I can hear the dress breathe. Lightly, through its light fabric, like a baby. I feel like I am being watched. This dress is dangerous, my life is dangerous. One false move and I can be on the Wall or sent to the colonies.

I dream of another place, one safer than here. In these dreams, shadows call. I can see a light at the end of a hall. But my dreams fade away and I am stuck here, in my bed, in a world that I want to burn. These dreams, memories, seem to fade faster and fast each day. I am losing sight of what I once knew, what I once loved.

I think of the music I used to listen to. I want to sing them. God, I miss singing Anna Graceman, Book of Mormon, Anastasia, Carrie, musicals, Christian music, I try to recall their lyrics. It has been so long that some of the verses slip away from my mind. How dare they fly away from my mind, no, how dare I forget them.

One song does come in full to my memory. An Anna Graceman song, World on Fire. I sing it's lyrics softly, trying not to wake up the Martha's who sleep close by. I thought this song was a metaphor for how the government won't help us when the world goes on fire. Not literal fire though, a fire of news and events that cause havoc in the world. But now I believe that to be a fact. A verse in the songs says, and I hope this is right:

Cause I've been praying that you're gonna save me

But your gonna leave when I say

Your gonna leave when I say

It reminds me how the government will just leave us to save themselves, not to save their citizens, when things get tough. The government shut down many times when there was still an America. Heidi went to DC for her 8th grade trip when the government was closed. There isn't much to do in DC when the government is shut down.

I enjoyed that song, I still do. It has a rock vibe to it that makes it fun to sing in the shower and rock out to walking down the street. I wonder if she is alive. She can't be making music anymore due to the countless laws that make women lesser than men. Is she a Wife somewhere. I know that she lived in Nashville, she could be an Econowife there. I want to take a trip there to find out if she is alive. She could be dead though, like the many people I care about.

I must have fallen asleep because the next time I check the clock, the sun is starting to rise and my alarm screams six am. Sleep, I want more sleep. My last night as a free woman gave me no sleep. I want to sleep in. Hopefully Mother doesn't care for a few more minutes of extra sleep. I pull the covers over my head, blocking the small rays of sunshine piercing through the translucent drapes. Five more minutes mom!

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Sorry it took awhile to update, work has me pretty busy lately. This was a very emotional chapter for me to write and I did cry one or two times writing it. Chapter 5 is in the works though and will be put out later. Thank you all for your comments, I love reading them. Please feel free to give suggestions on how to fix things and or what you hope will happen. Have a great week guys and I'll post soon. Keep reading! -Kyra