Disclaimer: I only own Swara

Chapter 4

I walked out of Godric's Hollow.

It was nearing sunrise.

A few Muggles gave me strange looks, noticing my robes.

I walked aimlessly.

I didn't know where to go. The flat I shared with Sirius, where just yesterday we ate dinner together...I didn't think I could bear going back there. It's a heavy feeling, realizing that you have nowhere to go, no one who will take you in.

"Excuse me, miss?" a Muggle girl my age called me. I slowly turned. She wore a well-loved apron and a soft smile. "It's freezing out. Why don't you come in?" she said, gesturing behind her to a little tea place.

I stared at her. My eyes must've belied the emptiness of my heart because she came to me, not letting the gentle upturn of her lips fall. "My name is Rose. My parents own the tea shop. You look like you could use some warmth," she said, immediately blushing at her perceived forwardness. "I mean...it's cold and you look tired. I have tea and fresh cookies."

I didn't know how to stop staring. She couldn't have been more than 19 years old. I watched her take in my robes and haggard appearance. Instead of fear, I only saw sympathy in her eyes. I mutely nodded, allowing her to take my hand and steer me into the warmth.

It was too early for anyone to be out yet so the place was empty. Rose went behind the counter and poured a cup of tea before sitting across from me.

"What's your name, ma'am?" she asked.

I hesitated, years of vigilance during Order missions preventing me from answering right away. It would take a while to forget my Order training.

"Swara," I finally answered. My hoarse voice shocked me.

"Swara," she said, testing it out. "That's a lovely name."

"Thank you."

We sat in silence, the only sound coming from the infrequent sips of tea I took.

"Are you alright, Miss Swara?" she suddenly asked.

I avoided the question. "Just Swara, please."

She nodded and waited for me to answer. When it was clear that I wasn't going to, she sighed. Suddenly, I felt ashamed. This girl had only tried to help me, seeing a person in pain. It was something Lily would do. "I lost my family," I said, trying to not sound like a small child, but failing.

Rose immediately leaned forward, placing a hand over my fist. Thank Merlin she didn't try to say anything.

After a few minutes, I got up. I reached into my pocket to pay her, but I had no money, wizarding or Muggle.

"There's no need," she said firmly.

"Thank you, Rose," I said.

She nodded. "May I ask a question? Please don't feel obligated to answer," she said. I nodded in approval, and she went on, "Were they from here? Your family? Would I know them?"

"Yes, but they didn't get out very much. You probably didn't know them," I said, fighting back tears.

"You're not speaking of a young man, are you? Tousled black hair, round glasses?" she asked.

My hand stilled on the doorknob. I whirled around so fast, I stumbled on the foot of my robes. "Yes! Yes! That's him! That's James!" I shouted.

"He came in here a couple of times last year. He loved the chocolate cookies. I haven't seen him in months though. I thought he moved," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry."

James used to come here. He had sat in this very room, eating cookies. The tears came so fast, I thought it started raining inside. Rose grabbed a bag from the counter and pressed it into my hands.

"These were his favorite," she said by way of explanation. I stared at the bag of cookies...cookies that James came here to eat, and I pulled Rose into a hug.

"Thank you."

I took one long look at the place, committing the cream fleur-de-lis wallpaper, the dainty china cups, the wooden brown chairs to memory.

The Sun was rising, casting a golden shimmer on the snow-covered streets.

I Apparated.

I was sitting on a swing, eating the warm cookies. They tasted just like the way the Hogwarts house-elves baked, and I knew why James was so attached to them. A few Muggle children were dragging their tired mothers over to the playground, but I didn't move, not even when their mothers steered them away from the strange lady on the swings.

She had taken him inside. I checked the moment I got here. Fighting the urge to knock on the door so early in the morning, I walked around the neighborhood until I could no longer ignore the urges of my stomach.

Pop!

I looked up from my breakfast at the sound of someone Apparating. I stood up, tightening my hand around my wand. The wizard stood in front of Number 4, a familiar mop of shaggy brown hair on his head.

Moony.

"Moony," I breathed. His back stiffened, and he turned around. Not even after the full moon did Remus look as haggard as he did now. I briskly walked towards him, breaking into a run before launching myself into his arms. Moony gripped me tight, and I felt his tears hitting my hair.

"Is it true?" he asked. "Harry's here?"

We both carefully avoided mentioning anything else, focusing all our attention on Harry.

"Yes," I said. "Dumbledore insisted."

He nodded, tiredly. "I know. He told me about the blood protection."

I walked towards the door, but he grabbed my arm. "What are you doing, Swara?"

I looked at him in confusion. "Going to see Harry, same as you."

Remus adamantly shook his head. "No! You can't see him, Swara. Dumbledore said-"

My eyes blazed in fury. "I know what Dumbledore said. I was there! But I need to see him, Remus. I need to see him," my voice broke at that last statement.

He sighed. "I know. Why do you think I'm here? But it'll only make it worse for him, Swara. You know Petunia. What do you think she'll do if she sees the two of us here? Please, just listen to Dumbledore."

I wrenched my arm away. "No! Dumbledore thinks he's doing what's best for Harry, but he's wrong." I blazed on when I noticed Remus about to interrupt. "He just lost his parents, Remus! He deserves a loving family, not the Dursleys!"

"Swara, it's for his own good," Remus said tiredly.

"I know. I wasn't planning on abducting him or anything," I said. "But he won't grow up unloved, Remus! I won't let that happen!"

Remus stood silent for a minute, contemplating what I said. I could tell that he was almost convinced.

"James and Lily wouldn't want him to grow up without love, Remus. Neither would Sirius," I said, trying to push him over to my side.

Remus' eyes burned in anger. "Don't talk to me about that man!"

I was confused. "What are you talking about?"

"It's his fault! His fault that James and Lily are dead, his fault Harry's an orphan, his fault Peter's dead. It's all his fault!" he screamed, alarming the nearby Muggles. Remus covered his face with his hands. "I hate him...I hate him," he said, his voice breaking.

"Moony, Sirius didn't betray anyone! How could you even believe that!" I said. Of all the people, I thought at least Remus would be on my side. He would believe me about Sirius.

"He confessed, Swara! He confessed! And he was their Secret-Keeper!" he argued.

I was angry now. I thought I could count on Remus to help me free Sirius. "How could you, Remus? How could you mistrust your friends?"

"Well, how do you explain what happened then! Only a Secret-Keeper could've told Voldemort!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I shouted. At this point, I cast a Muffliato so the Muggles didn't call the police on us. "I DON'T KNOW! THERE HAS TO BE SOME EXPLANATION! THEY THREW HIM IN WITHOUT A TRIAL, WITHOUT VERITASERUM, WITHOUT PRIORI INCANTATO!"

Calming myself, I continued in a softer voice, "I don't know, Remus. But what I do know is that Sirius would die before he betrayed James. And I thought you would know that too." I didn't bother to hide my disappointment.

He sighed. "Swara, there is no other explanation," he said, holding up a hand when he noticed I was about to argue. "Let's not fight, please. Let's go see Harry."

Suddenly, I remembered that there were only two people I had left now: Remus and Harry. Shame colored my face. Bickering here like children when our best friends just died, when my godson was behind those doors, probably wondering where his parents are.

I nodded and rang the doorbell. Petunia Dursley nee Evans looked nothing like Lily. She had none of Lily's quiet beauty, none of the kindness in her eyes as she realized who was at the door. Furtively glancing outside, she ushered us in the house.

We stood there, in Petunia's house in our dirty robes, rather awkwardly. Surprisingly, it was Petunia who first spoke. "Is it true?"

We simply nodded. I don't know what kind of reaction I was expecting. A shrug of her bony shoulders? A curl of the lips? Something that would reflect her hate of her sister, probably. But Petunia did none of those things. She let out a deep sigh and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, the hard quality was back. "I suppose you want to see him, then?"

She pointed down the hallway and went upstairs, but not before saying, "Mrs. Davis comes by for a chat at 8:00." So leave before then was what she meant. I ran towards the room, not caring if I ruined the pristine carpet.

There, in a small crib. My godson. He gurgled in happiness at seeing a familiar face. "Masi!" he exclaimed (Maa-shee). I started crying. I spent weeks teaching him how to call me "aunty" in my mother tongue. He remembered.

Harry stood up and reached his arms out, the universal gesture for pick me up. Feeling his familiar weight in my arms, the weight of a small life, soothed some of my hurt. Harry beamed, seeing Moony behind me. He immediately stretched his arms out, tugging to go to Remus. I acquiesced even though part of me wanted to hold onto Harry and never let go.

"Dada, Mama?" he asked. Remus' face fell, and he looked at me with pain in those weathered eyes. "Pafoo?"

When Harry started babbling at about 6 months, Lily took it upon herself to teach Harry how to say everyone's names (James started trying the very day after Harry was born). Remus was "Mooey" and Peter was "Wormy."

Moony distracted Harry with a few well-timed tickles, and soon enough, Harry was giggling with happiness. I glanced at the time. 15 minutes left until Petunia kicked us out. 15 minutes to say everything that I could say and everything that I didn't have the words to say to Harry. I waited until Remus was done whispering his goodbye and pretended not to notice the lone tear on his face and the lingering kiss he gave Harry.

He handed me Harry and, once again, the familiar shape of him calmed my heart. He started playing with my hair (always careful not to pull), and I lightly traced the lightning bolt on his forehead. I didn't say anything, content to just watch him. The ghosts of those who were missing lingered, and if I closed my eyes, I could imagine this was a normal day at Godric's Hollow. Peter, lounging on the couch. Sirius, standing behind me, would be making faces at Harry, making him laugh in delight. James would complain that we were stealing his son (his face lighting up at the word "son"), and Lily and Remus would watch with the same mock-suffering expression.

I migrated to the window and bent my face low, nuzzling Harry. "Harry, love, look at me," I said. "I'm sorry, Harry. You have to stay here for now because...because bad things have happened." I choked on the words, and Harry looked at me with confusion in those green eyes.

"Dada?" he said. Babies are perceptive. I don't know if he was asking if the bad thing happened to his dad, or if I needed his dad. Both were true.

"Dada's not here, right now. He's up there," I said, pointing up at the sky. "And in here." I placed my hand on his heart.

"I'm so sorry, Harry. I couldn't help them, and I couldn't do anything to help you. I'm sorry that you got caught in this war. And I'm sorry for everything that has and will cause you pain. I love you," I whispered. Harry sensed the weight of my words and didn't take his eyes off me. I kissed his forehead, walked back to the crib, and lowered him in. He smiled at me.

Remus took my hand, and we walked out of the room. I couldn't resist one last glance at my godson, standing in his crib, smiling at his Masi and Uncle Moony, unaware of what he had lost.

Remus and I Apparated back to his flat. We sat in silence, not knowing what to say or do now. I dropped my head on his shoulder, and, out of reflex, he pulled me in closer. How many times had we sat like this in Hogwarts?

"Too many times to count," he answered. I hadn't realized I asked that aloud.

I sighed. "And how many times after Hogwarts?"

"Not enough times," he said, shifting to look at me.

"Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't joined the Order...that we hadn't joined," I whispered the darkest secret of my heart. Maybe I wasn't as noble or brave as my House would have me believe. "I know that it was the right thing to do but..." I trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

"But you wish that it wasn't a choice between the Order and living your life. Between what's right and your happiness," he said, understanding me perfectly.

I nodded. "Don't we deserve to be happy, Moony?" I asked, turning my face into his shoulder so he wouldn't see me cry.

I felt his hand stroke my hair. "I don't know, Swara," he said honestly. It was this uncertainty that marked wartime. This bleak outlook, this fear and regret.

"I want them back," Moony said. I looked at him, truly noticing the new scars for the first time. We all had some of those, visible or not.

Silence settled over the room. I closed my eyes and pictured the Black Lake. It was a sunny day, and we were sitting by the lake. James was reading Quidditch Through the Ages for the twentieth time, but somehow, he managed to also throw the Snitch around with Sirius. Remus, Peter, and I were working on our Herbology homework. Back then, that was just a normal day. We never thought much of it.

Now, I would give anything to return to that time when my friends were alive, my parents were alive, and I was happy.

As you get older, you realize that the strongest force in the world is not wisdom, or friendship, or love. It's Time. Time is both the strongest and the cruelest power, and we are powerless to stop it.