Noir by Northwest
Dipper was sitting in the big yellow armchair in the living room of the Mystery Shack, prepared to watch the "Ghost Harassers" marathon.
A text came in on his new phone. "Love U!" it said, with lots of hearts.
"Tambry, you're right here in the same room," said Dipper.
"I know, but I just like to text you," said Tambry. She sat down beside him in the chair. "Come on, text me back."
Dipper typed into the new smart phone Tambry had helped him buy. (His old phone was on a network with almost no service in Gravity Falls.)
"Love U 2!" he texted, and added hearts and smiling emoticons.
Tambry put an arm around Dipper and ruffled the back of his hair.
"Don't tempt me too much," said Dipper. "I don't plan to move from this chair until sunset."
"Plans could change," said Tambry in a sultry voice.
The show was cut off abruptly.
"We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news!" said Toby Determined.
"It's starting!" Mabel called, running in and jumping into the chair on Dipper's free side.
"Turn it up!" said Candy, jumping into the chair on Tambry's lap.
"Make room for Grenda!"
"No room," said Tambry, pushing Grenda away with her leg. "Sit on the floor in front of us."
Toby Determined spoke about the Northwest's high-society shindig. He had been camping out in front of the mansion for days to "get a peek at the fanciness."
All of the girls, including Tambry, said "Ooooh!"
"Would someone please explain why people care about this?" asked Dipper.
The girls explained that it was the best party of all time, with live quails in the gift baskets.
"I almost asked you to take me out there to see it, too," said Tambry. "Except I could tell you'd enjoy the TV marathon more."
"Guys, in case you've already forgotten, Pacifica Northwest is the worst," said Dipper.
There was a knock at the door, and Dipper got up to answer it. "That's not just jealousy talking. I'd say it to her face."
He opened the door to see Pacifica, disguised in a trench coat, dark glasses, and a scarf.
"You're the worst," said Dipper, closing the door in Pacifica's face.
The girls gasped.
She knocked again, and Dipper opened the door again.
"Look. You think it's easy for me to come here?" asked Pacifica. "I don't want to be seen in this hovel. But there's something haunting Northwest Manor. If you don't help me, the party could be ruined!"
"And why should I trust you? All you've ever done is try to humiliate me and Mabel," said Dipper.
"Just name your price, okay? I'll give you anything!" said Pacifica.
"Hi, Pacifica!" said Mabel, giving her a very warm smile. "Excuse us!"
Mabel dragged Dipper away from the door.
"Dipper! Don't you see what this means? If you help Pacifica, you could get us invites to the greatest party of all time!"
Mabel was thinking, "I'll get to spend time with Pacifica. She's my One True Pair; I can just feel it."
After a brief discussion, Dipper gave in.
"I'll bust your ghost," Dipper told Pacifica. "But, in exchange, I'll need tickets to the party."
"You're just lucky I'm desperate," said Pacifica. From her purse she produced three envelopes with tickets.
"We need four invitations," said Dipper. "Mabel, Grenda, Candy, and Tambry."
"I've heard rumors about you dating an older girl," said Pacifica with a frown. "You want your girlfriend invited, too? I'm sorry, I only have three invitations to spare. One of them will have to stay behind."
The three younger girls glared at each other, ready to fight over the tickets.
"What if I come in with Dipper as a consultant?" asked Tambry. "My monster contacts were a big help on that giant bat case."
"That works for me," said Dipper.
"Fine, I guess," said Pacifica. "I'm that desperate."
"Desperate! Desperate! Desperate!" chanted Mabel, Grenda, and Candy.
Tambry just smirked.
In the mansion, Pacifica said, "Welcome to Northwest Manor, dorks. Try not to touch anything."
Mabel exclaimed over the fancy floors, plants, and butler. She went off with her friends to look around, but didn't stray too far, wanting to be near Pacifica.
Dipper and Tambry were greeted by Preston Northwest. "Ah, if it isn't the man of the hour! And..."
"Tambry, my consultant," said Dipper.
Tambry looked up from her phone for a moment and said, "Hi."
"Hopefully you can help us with our little... situation, before the guests arrive in an hour," said Preston.
In a whisper, Preston directed Pacifica to take the guests to the "problem room" and to do something about their clothing.
Soon Dipper was dressed in a tuxedo and Tambry in a fluffy pink ball gown.
"Ugh, it's like this collar is strangling me," said Dipper.
Pacifica moved in to adjust Dipper's tie, but Tambry got there first, with a cold look that said, "He's mine."
Pacifica led them to the room in silence. Before entering, Dipper asked, "Tambry, have you been able to find anything on why a ghost is haunting here? They always have a reason."
"I've got something," said Tambry. "I know a werewolf who knows a ghoul who knows the gnomes. They've been keeping a eye on this place for decades, and they say something huge is going down tonight."
"I was hoping it was just a level one ghost, and we could get rid of it with a sprinkle of anointed water," said Dipper.
"Nope," said Tambry. "This spirit has been building up power and hate for 150 years."
"Sounds like a level ten," said Dipper. "Hold on, Pacifica. It's not safe to go in that room, especially for you. You might stir the ghost up to attack early."
"What are we going to do?" asked Pacifica.
"According to the gnomes, the Northwests already know what to do to end the curse. It's something easy, but they just aren't willing to do it," said Tambry.
Dipper stared at Pacifica. "Is that true?"
Pacifica couldn't meet his eyes. "Well... Supposedly all we have to do is let in the common folk to the party. But that would ruin it."
"And what will happen if you don't?" asked Dipper.
"And so I say with final breath: one-fifty years I'll return from death, and if the gate's still closed to town, wealthy blood will stain the ground!" said Pacifica. "That's the curse."
"In other words, you're going to die," said Tambry. "Just open the gates and let the people in."
"My parents would rather die than let in the riff-raff. Please, isn't there something you can do?"
"You kept information from us, and you could have gotten us killed trying to fight a high-powered ghost," said Dipper. "Come on Tambry, we're going to get Mabel and her friends and get out of here."
Dipper and Tambry found Mabel in the large refreshment room. Guests were beginning to arrive, and the Northwest parents were distracted by greeting them. They gave Mabel a quick run-down on the situation.
"Come on, let's get out of here!" Dipper urged.
"Grenda and Candy can go if they want, but I'm not leaving," said Mabel.
"What? You have to. Everyone here when the ghost attacks will probably be killed," said Dipper.
"Remember when the Love God said I would be attracted to my one true love?" said Mabel.
"Yes?" said Dipper.
"Well, I have, and it's Pacifica."
"What? Pacifica? That's crazy. You must be mistaken," said Dipper.
"I know I'm not," said Mabel. "She's my OTP and I have to stand by her. You have to find a way to save both of us."
"Maybe the Northwests will do what's right," said Dipper. "We have to try."
Dipper and Tambry went to Preston and Priscilla Northwest.
"Well, is the ghost dealt with?" Preston asked.
"Not completely, but we know how to stop it," said Dipper.
"Get on with it, then," said Priscilla.
"There's something you have to do," said Tambry. "Open the gates and let in the people of the town."
"Pacifica was supposed to keep that a secret," said Priscilla. "I warned her not to blab about our private business to commoners."
"It wasn't her fault," said Tambry. "We figured it out."
"If you're not going to deal with the ghost, you can leave," said Preston. "Nothing serious may happen, but if it does we have other measures to protect our family."
He rang for a butler and instructed: "Prepare the panic room!"
Dipper pulled Tambry away. "They're not going to listen to reason. Persuading Pacifica is our last chance. You go try to talk some sense into her. She's more likely to listen to you, since she hates me. I'll stay here and try to protect Mabel if the ghost shows up."
Preston stood at the front of the room. "Thank you all for coming! I think we can all say this party was a rousing success."
"I guess you could say it was a slam dunk, Presto," said the basketball player guest.
"Yes, yes, I guess, sure," said Preston. "A toast! To our family name..."
His glass shattered, to the sound of ghostly laughter.
"What?" said Preston.
The Lumberjack Ghost flew out of the fireplace, with a beard of blue flame. "Generations locked away, my revenge shall have its day!"
The old mayor said, "Ah, the grim reaper! I'd been wondering when you would arri- Aaah!"
A beam from the ghost struck the mayor, and both he and his wheelchair turned to wood and fell over. Stuffed animals came to life and attacked the guests. More beams struck and more turned to wood. The house was rapidly turning back into a forest.
Preston punched a stuffed squirrel off his shoulder. "To the panic room!"
"Just one way to change your fates: a Northwest must open the party gates!" chanted the ghost. "Or you will all be wood, and end in fire!"
Dipper saw a beam coming for Mabel and her friends. He ran in front of them, holding up a silver platter in hopes of deflecting the beam. But it was too powerful, knocking the platter from his hands and striking him.
"No no no!" Dipper cried out as he began to turn into wood. "No, someone help! Someone Heeelllp...!"
He froze in the form predicted by the shape-shifter in the bunker.
"Dipper!" Mabel shouted. An instant later more beams struck her and her friends, petrifying them as well.
"A forest of death, a lesson learned, and now the Northwest Manor will burn!" chanted the Ghost as he set a wall ablaze.
Pacifica burst into the room.
"Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back!" said Pacifica.
The ghost said, "You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise!"
As Pacifica reached for the lever to open the gate. But a trap-door opened in the floor and Preston Northwest looked out.
"Pacifica Elise Northwest! Stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week." In a whisper Preston added, "We'll eat the butler!"
Pacifica continued to reach for the lever.
"You dare to disobey us?" said Preston. He rang a bell. "Dingly dingly! Is this bell broken?"
Pacifica seemed totally unaffected by the bell. "Our family name is broken, and I'm going to fix it."
She pulled the lever and the gates opened. There was a roar of noise from outside as the group of Gravity Falls citizens rushed onto the grounds.
"Yes, yes, it's happening! My heart, once as hard as oak, now grows soft, like more of a birch, or something," said the Ghost.
The guests and the manor returned to their normal forms.
"Pacifica, you are not like the other Northwests. I feel... lumber justice," said the Ghost, glowing and fading away in peace.
When Dipper felt himself fully recovered, he rushed over to Pacifica. "You did it! You saved us all. Good for you. I didn't think you had it in you."
"She didn't quite, without some help. Come over here, out of sight of everyone, and I'll show you," Pacifica said.
Dipper did, and Mabel came also. They gasped as "Pacifica" morphed into Tambry.
"Might as well make good use of my shape-changer powers for once," said Tambry.
The real Pacifica joined them. "Thank you Tambry. I was afraid I couldn't resist the bell if my parents used it on me."
"The Ghost said a Northwest had to do it," said Dipper. "Aren't you afraid he'll find out you cheated and come back?"
"It wasn't really cheating," said Tambry. "Pacifica authorized it. She just used me as a proxy."
"Tambry, I'll pay you one thousand dollars, like I promised," said Pacifica. "It will take a few days to gather the money, even for me."
"You don't really have to do that," said Tambry. "Though the money would be nice."
"I think you cheated yourself, Pacifica," Dipper said. "You could have stood up to your parents on your own."
"You don't know how much they've trained and conditioned me to obey that bell," said Pacifica.
Dipper looked unimpressed. "You used your money to cheat at life, again."
"Leave Pacifica alone, Dipper," said Mabel. "She did the best she could, and she saved us all. Would you rather we were all turned to wood and burned up?"
"No," said Dipper. "Not that."
Pacifica looked at Mabel and her eyes seemed to glow. "Mabel, I never realized how nice you are, and how pretty, too. Would you like to spend the rest of the party hanging out with me?"
"I'd love too," said Mabel. Looking back at Dipper, she whispered, "See! OTP!"
"I guess since the whole town is here having fun, we might as well enjoy the party, too," said Dipper, taking Tambry by the hand.
They hadn't gone far when Old Man McGucket sprang into their way.
"Dipper! I've been lookin' for ya. I fixed the laptop. I been doin' calculations, and I think somethin' terrible is comin'! The apocalypse! The End Times!"
Dipper sighed. "You know what, McGucket? How about we talk about this stuff tomorrow? It's a party. Let's have some fun for once, huh?"
Tambry said, "Dipper, we really ought to listen to him. Isn't this the break you've been wanting for ages, to learn the secrets of the laptop?"
"I guess you're right," said Dipper. "Show us what you've got, McGucket."