I flop down on my bed, not caring that my clothes have touched things from nasty bar. I really am tired. My cheek is burning from where Ashley's lips were on it. My phone beeps annoyingly.

1 new voicemail

2 new texts

I decide to check the texts first.

R u home? ~ M

where r u? ur not picking up ur phone ~ M

No surprise that it's Maddie. I listen to the voicemail:

Spencer, you whore, why aren't you responding to my texts? Did you pass out drunk or something? Probably, you lightweight. Anyway did Ashley make a move on you? Please tell me you got laid. Bye, staying at Adrian's tonight. I'll see you in the morning with the donuts, and yes, I'll bring you a chocolate glazed one and a raspberry filled one.

Maddie and I have a tradition of eating donuts and coffee together on Saturday mornings. I always try and get her to watch the cartoons with me, but most of the time she insists that we watch E!. I admit it, I do need to know more about the Gosselin drama and Simon's engagement.

I flip my phone closed, but I can't go to sleep yet. I can't stop thinking about Ashley, the way her eyes shone, her admittedly sexy walk, her beautiful voice. Though it is probably not the best idea, I send her a text.

Just wanted to reiterate that I had a wonderful time ~ S

I receive a reply almost immediately.

U r the only person that would actually put 'reiterate' in a txt ~ A

Before I have a chance to reply with something witty, another new message pops up.

I had a great time 2. shame it was just for a bet :( ~ A

It doesnt have to be ~ S

Oh? Tell me what it was then, straight girl :P ~ A

A hot date between two sexy ladies ~ S

Cant argue w/that ~ A

So, you want to do something again? Pwease! ~ S

Yea, when? :) ~ A

Well, at the risk of being too eager, how about tomorrow? I understand that there is a standard three day period before calling someone back, but fuck it. ~ S

Spence, ur like the worst texter ever. And ok ~ A

Can I call you? Like now? ~ S

Mmhmm ~ A

I quickly dial her number, hoping that I'm not coming across too desperate. Pssh, that's never bothered me before. She answers on the second ring. Or so I think.

"Hey," a deep but still womanly voice says. Sounds vaguely Germanic.

"Uh, hi, is, um Ash available?"

"Who's wondering?"

"Spencer. Carlin. We met earlier?"

"Well this is Hilda, Ashley's girlfriend. You trying to steal my woman! Coz I ain't gonna let no blonde barbie steal my princess!"

My eyes bulge out, "Erm, no, of course not. I'm not even calling for Ash-Ashley. I'm selling...something."

"At 3 AM? What the fuck, man!"

"Fucking! Exactly! I'm selling sex toys, you know, need to be discreet, call at night, not wake up the missus, am I right?"

"Alright," the gruff voice answers. "Go ahead then with your sales pitch. I need all the help I can get to satisfy my incredibly gorgeous girlfriend, Ashley. And if you're not who you say you are, I'll find ya and hunt ya down. I'm an ex-Marine!"

I race over to my computer and look up sex toys. "Well, we've got your standard vibrators, and then some dildos, and er-" I strain to read the screen, "-a clit pump, and nipple clamps. Anal beads, too. Cock rings as well. Heh, suppose you don't need those! All different flavors of lube. Everything that you could really ask for."

"Do you have S&M stuff?"

"Of course. We have-" I do a quick google search, and I think I might have just vomited a bit. "Whips, and gimp masks, and leather, er, getups, and handcuffs. And the ball thingy that goes into the mouth."

"Ashley likes it rough, so I'd definitely need the whip and the mask and the ball thing. Ha, I'm a cop so I already have the handcuffs. Not very professional sounding, ball thingy, is it not? You sure you're a saleswoman?"

"Oh, positive. I mean, ever since I was a kid I wanted to sell sex toys. Some kids dream of being astronauts, I dreamed of sexual gratification. Wait, that sounded wrong. But then again I guess all guys are like that. And girls too, we're just more secretive about how horny we are. Anyway, back on target, I guess I just really love...vibrators."

"Well which one would you recommend for both our pleasure?"

I swallow hard, "Well, the, uh, T900 is a very good entry level vibrator. It is just really solid and reliable and I will promise you a refund myself if you are not completely satisfied with it. That the-the Sexy Buns guarantee."

"Sexy Buns?" The voice sounds at least a little amused, and I sigh a bit in relief.

"Yes, that's what we call our 200% refund. We will refund all your money and send you any competitor's model for free."

"Why, that does sound wonderful. I have one quick question, what would you recommend if you want to turn someone? A straight girl, yeah?"

I scratch my chin thoughtfully before remembering that this woman can't see me, "Well, um, Helga-"

"Hilda."

"Okay. Well Hilda, my advice would be to keep it in your pants. You've got a really wonderful girlfriend and you're lucky to have her."

"I'm wonderful?" I hear Ash answer, and I can just see her little smirk.

"Ash, thank God, who the hell was that woman? She was terrifying, I think I wet myself a bit." All I can hear is laughter on the other end. "You're Hilda, aren't you? Fuck you, just fuck you."

"Sorry, Spence," she manages to choke out. "It was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. I had no idea you knew so much about sex toys."

"Yes, well google is my friend. Or at least she was until that time we got drunk and she made a pass at me, but I went home with yahoo instead, and she ended up puking everywhere."

There's more laughter at the other end of the phone. "I can't believe you fell for that, Spence. I mean, that accent was atrocious."

"Well, I'm sleepy, goddammit. Still think you're going on another date with me? Not in this lifetime."

"Aw, did you just read that off your magic eight ball?" I huff. "Sorry, sorry. C'mon, this will make a great story to tell at parties."

I smile, her voice just makes me happy. "Yeah, suppose so. When we tell it at Leonimandas's 16th, he'll be so embarrassed. That's our future son's name, I decided just FYI. Been looking through baby name books for, well all 15 minutes I was home before I called you. I'm thinking that or Berezekiah."

"Aw, hon, but I wanted to name him Urlington Dastyx, after dear ol' Uncle Ud."

"Okay, okay, as long as we name our daughter Tatanka Slipperdale."

"Alright you've got a deal. So you want to go on a date before the commitment ceremony?"

"I don't know, your psycho butch girlfriend might slice me up."

"Nah, she's harmless. Why don't you let me make you lunch tomorrow? Or later today, rather."

"Yeah, when should I come?"

"One okay?"

"Sure. See ya then."

"Bye, Spencer. Hasta manana."

I finally am able to close my eyes and get some rest. I'll sure need it for a date with Ashley.