Chapter 3 – Heart-wrenching decisions
With the sweet taste of death upon my lips, my eyelids grew heavy with the weight of the world, and as I closed my eyes I could faintly hear my mother's screams as I drifted into unconsciousness, and one lone tear trailed down my cheek.
White. Everything was white. White and oh so quiet. This disturbing unnatural peacefulness jerked me from my half-conscious state and I found myself paralyzed, my body only dead-weight as I lied in a cold, sterile hospital bed.
As I painfully, slowly turned my head a nurse walked into my new hellishly impersonal room followed by my shaking, frantic mother.
As she looked at me I visibly flinched as she screamed the one question I desperately did not want to answer. "Why?"
In a pathetic attempt to never reveal my disgusting secret I breathlessly whispered back, "I don't know."
By now, my mother a shaking mass of emotion, hit me, my body swaying effortlessly due to the extremely dangerous amount of lost blood. And as suddenly as her violent spasms began, she soon became gentle and caring whispering sweet nothings into my ear, "Everything will be okay Kaoru, mother's with you now."
I did not have the heart to tell her nothing would ever be alright again and the one I needed the most to be with me would always by my other half, my twin, Hikaru.
Hikaru never knew about my failed attempt to take my own life, my pathetic failure of finally achieving peaceful rest. Sometimes I wonder if he would even care.
From that day on I have always worn long-sleeves. Nobody but my mother and the hospital knows about "IT" not the host club, not Hikaru, not even my father. My mother insisted upon spending more time with me, checking up on me every half hour. It was only a matter of time before she found out the truth.
People at school finally began to glance at me oddly, as if I was some unusual specimen that needed to be categorized and thus understood. From then on things got only worse, at school I was either ignored and considered the "freak twin" or bullied because nobody cared or stood up for the "loser."
And just like usual...
...Hikaru never noticed.
One day, after school as I opened the door rumpled from yet another 'beat up the freak' session, I saw my mother staring at my with cloudy eyes, and before I could ask what was wrong she had already glided up to me in yet another of her stunning creations, and whispered in my ear, "I know."
My body stiffened as my eyes glazed over with shock. I shouted a mantra over and over yet again in my mind, thinking, 'She does not know, she can not know or she wouldn't be holding me so tenderly."
I looked up into her eyes and for the first time saw something that I had needed for such a long time...
...Understanding
Understanding...and love.
Not pity, not hate, not disgust and in that moment I knew that she somewhat understood that her son was in love with his twin brother, and she was willing to help her son through the pain.
That day the house was silent, the only sounds were soft whimpers and nearly silent sobs as mother and son held onto each other both crying at the unfairness in the world, and the unrelentless pain (for Kaoru a forbidden, unreturned love and for his mother the hurt felt from knowing a person precious to her is in pain) both of them felt helpless against.
Well sorry. I had planned to have a larger chapter, but before I could save my computer just shut down. So HOPEFULLY! I can add what would have been the second half of this chapter tomorrow.
By the way my computer has been experiencing some problems lately so I do not know how reliable the updates will be...so sorry!