I went and got myself some wine, I was starting to get a real cramp now, and I felt awful - I was feeling sorry for myself - so I wanted some wine. I don't know whether to ask Tony what he wants from me, because I just don't know how he wants me to be, just a friend? a girlfriend? a non exclusive girlfriend? I wouldn't be able to handle that anyhow. I was on my third glass of wine - and they were big glasses - by the time Tony came back. Which means I was slightly tipsy...
Tony walked in and I could tell even in my state that he himself had had a few drinks, although he wasn't as bad as me, I thought, as I poured myself another glass of wine.
"How's your cramps?" He said smiling
"Ha ha ha" I pretend to laugh, "Aren't we when we are tipsy?" I said, not even thinking.
"You don't look completely sober yourself" He answered back. He had me there.
"Maybe I'm not" I said.
"What is that supposed to mean" Oh my God, are we flirting, since when was he this comfortable with me?
We gave up on that conversation shortly after that. Tony came and sat next to me on the sofa. I noticed how he scooted closer than usual, in fact a lot closer than usual - are legs were practically touching. Maybe it's just the alcohol.
"So how are you finding all this?" I looked at him, and answered, "It's fun" I said, noticing how his face lit up, "But a little scary" I added, he looked confused so I went on to explain "I've never done a mission before"
He nodded at me, he smiled a nervous smile, "I mean, how are you finding the whole us thing?" I was confused and my brain was just about to process what he'd said to formulate an answer, but as soon as he looked at me he said "You know, us having to pretend to be a couple"
"I can't understand it" I said simply, taking another sip.
"Understand what?" He smiles, knowing I am too drunk to hide anything.
"I can't understand why we have to pretend to be a couple" And it is then, that I realize, I have said too much.
Tony looked at me with his confused expression once again - and I then noticed that I have grown to love that part of him as well. I smiled at him, and being quite, well very drunk I began to have a giggle fit. It was a very high pitched squealing sound - Tony just looked at me like I was bonkers, which I'm pretty sure I am. Then after Tony watched me a few minutes he too began to laugh, he was adorable. Tony stopped laughing and went back to my earlier question.
"Well we don't really need to pretend, do we" He said smirking, "Because if anyone didn't know us they'd think we were a couple anyway, so we don't need to pretend" He smiled "People think it already"
Okay, so how was I supposed to take that? That he wants to be a couple, or that he just completely missed my point? Being drunk really didn't help my situation.
I laugh for a second, "We're like two peas in a pod" I say, putting my arm around his shoulder swaying back in forth. I am definitely, kooky. He just starts laughing, taking in the humor of the situation.
Then its the next morning.
I wake up sprawled out on the couch, something smells good. I look over towards the kitchen, and he is already cooking breakfast. I stumble into the kitchen - my head is killing me.
"Morning sleepy head" he says, putting a bottle of Ibuprofen on the counter. How does he do that?
I smile at him, thanking him for the ibuprofen, "Aww your a life saver"
"So I've been told" he smirked.
I winced from my headache, and he came over, "You okay?" I nodded, "Sure, it's just I'm such a lightweight - and i drank so much"
"I know" He laughed, handing me a plate of pancakes with every syrup and fruit I had ever seen, and he also handed me a glass of Orange juice - but suddenly took it back and replaced it with cold fresh water. I looked at him confused. "It'll help with the headache, and the hangover" He smiled again, he's in such a good mood.
I took the medicine and ate the breakfast, it was wonderful! He sat down with his own they both ate happily. "So how was the party?" she asked
"Which one?" he smiled
I laughed at this. "Yeah, sorry about that, I hardly remember much of it, its a bit of a blur" And I blushed profusely, and apologized again.
"Michelle, It's alright, I think we both needed to relax a little" He said, seriously now.
"Um..." I said clearing my throat, "Relax, in what way, because of what? because of work?" I said, unsure of where he was going with this and worried I might take this the wrong way and embarrass myself completely.
"Nervous?" He asked.
"Why?" I ask a little too fast.
"Because your playing with your napkin and you won't look into my eyes" He said, with a half smile, and I realize he's right.
I stop playing with my napkin. And I look straight into his eyes. Followed by a light blush, "Happy?" I grinned.
He nodded, "So your nervous? What about?" He asked as he moved a little bit closer to me on the breakfast bench.
"I just..." I stutter, not knowing how much to give away, then there's a knock at the door.
"I'll get it" I say immediately trying to get out of the awkwardness.
I stride over to the door only to meet the faces of our neighbors.
"Hiya" They both say happily in unison.
"Hi" I say back politely.
"We just wanted to check that your feeling better, Tony mentioned you weren't feeling any better when he came back over"
"Yeah a lot better, I just have a headache and hangover now" I laugh, "I happened to drink far too much - to numb the pain" I explain with a laugh, "You know what its like" I say to the woman, and realize I cannot remember her name.
She smiled, "Anyway, we best be going"
"Thanks for stopping by, it was very thoughtful"
They smiled, turned and left, I was about to shut the door, when the man quickly stopped me, "Sorry" He said, "We almost forgot, we wanted to invite you to a beach and barbecue party tomorrow night"
"Oh, thank you, thats very thoughtful. If you write down the details, I'll talk to my husband and see what we can do, thanks again" I wave to them and then they leave, at last. I'm not sure why I wanted them to leave, now I have to go back to Tony, and our awkwardness.
I walked back into the kitchen. He was still sitting in his seat gazing up at me "You were very convincing"
I chuckled "Can't say I've had practice"
"So where were we?" he said
"Um... I cant remember" I lied. I really didn't want to keep coming back to this.
He smiled, "I can..." he said, "But if your uncomfortable talking about it its fine..." he said sincerely.
"Uncomfortable talking about what?" I asked.
"I don't know, thats what I'm asking, your uncomfortable about something, and its bugging you, I can tell, I know you better than you think..." He trailed off.
I started biting my lip and looked both ways. I've gone all out twice, and with the kiss in CTU he returned, a lot, but with the 'do you love me?' thing he froze, but maybe that was just too soon. I figure I better just let him know, but there is still that little part of me that says 'you love him so much he has the power to crush your heart'. I want to ignore it but it's there and I can't help.
"Um... well, It's just about everything, the us thing" He just looked at me, I could tell he was concentrating, and that this conversation was important to him, "It's just so confusing between us, it's like were good, were not, and then it's like with the job we have to pretend were all in love, and it just frustrates me... its so hard" I glance at him. And then I go deep in thought, 'It's frustrating because the way we act, you know like being married, calling you my husband, I just, wish we could be.' I hate that I find it so difficult, to put my feelings into words. If my life were at risk and someone had a gun to my head I'd know exactly what to say, so why the hell is this so hard.
"Michelle?" I realize I've been quiet for too long.
"Um yeah, well the thing is, its just" I go a deep red, I get embarrassed when I can't explain myself. "I'm just being silly, it's nothing" I said, beginning to ramble.
I couldn't stand the way he was looking at me, like he knew I was lieing, and that I did want to say more - but I was scared to.
"I'm sorry, if you'll excuse me..." I said as I ran out of the room.
I run into the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I can't understand it, because, with other men, I can tell exactly where we are at, and what I want, and I can tell whether it will last or not, but with him, it's different. He knocks me off my feet. Thankfully not literally.
I am hopeless, I think to myself, as I hear a knock at the door.
"Chelle you okay?" I hear a gentle voice from outside.
"Uh, yeah. I'll be out in a sec" I say, turning off the water and drying my face. I take one last look at myself, and head out the door.
I look Tony in the eye, and force a smile, trying to show him - Yes, I am fine. I don't think it works. He just raises his eyebrows, and comments with "Remember how I knew you were nervous?" He didn't wait for an answer, "Well just remember, I know you better than you think, and when your ready to talk about whatever is bugging you, I'm here, okay" And with that he sent me his stunningly amazing Almeida smile.
I follow him, and start to help clean up when my cell phone rings. I walk over and look at the screen "My mom" I announce. He nods his head, as he loads the dishwasher.
I slowly head out of the room. "Hello?"
"Hey! How are you" She says enthusiastically.
"Pretty good" I reply, with a lot less enthusiasm than I just received from my mom.
"Well your gonna be better when I tell you this!" She says happily "I set you up a date with this boy James! Your gonna love him Michelle, he's so cute! He's such a gentleman..."
"Thanks mom, but ah" I tried stalling, whilst thinking up a valid excuse, then the perfect reason hit me, and I also felt better knowing I wasn't lieing. "Well, mom, I would but, I'm sort of on a - assignment" I announced, being careful not to mention the assignment was an undercover mission, as that would be breaking protocol and probably give my mother a heart attack.
"Well thats okay sweetie, we can sort it out for when you get back..."
"Uh yeah" I say rolling my eyes. I don't have the heart to break it to her - that I'm not going on another one of her not-so-perfect blind dates. They never turn out well.
"'Cause he's flexible, and very excited to meet you" She told me.
"Okay, well I have to go now" I say, ending the call with my mom. As I hang up and put my phone away, a thought enters my head that confuses me down to my core. 'How come when I think about dating someone, I feel like it's wrong? How come I feel like dating someone, would be cheating on Tony? We are not dating. I don't get why it feels so wrong. I brush it aside, and blame it all on the undercover assignment. It's easier when I don't have to deal with it - as is anything.
Tony comes in as I'm putting my phone in my pocket, "Professional or personal?" He asks with a smile,
"Nosy much?" I ask, with the same playful attitude.
He flicks his eyebrows in the air and curls his lips with a shrug of the shoulder, and then he lets out a breathy laugh. I smile at him.
"So we have some time to kill, what do ya wanna do?" He asks.
"Well we could go down to the beach..." He suggests, then glances at his watch, but doesn't wait for a reply. "We could order something in and rent a movie, go to a restaurant... and I'm all out of ideas" He smiles, he seems so happy here.
I smile, and walk over to him, tilt my head, and say "Whatever ya wanna do is cool with me, but I am beat"
"All you've done for hours is sleep and relax" He laughs.
"What can I say" And after I say this i realize, not much. "I don't no" I say eventually.
He looks at me "Or we could just stay here and do this little game that we've been doing these past few days"
And at that moment, my mind goes blank.
AN: Thank you all so much for your reviews! They are greatly appreciated, and as most writers would agree - greatly speed up the process of posting:) So please do review. And hopefully I'll have more posted up for you in the next few days. Thanx.