What Is Today If Yesterday Is Tomorrow?

CHAPTER 4: Eric Cartman

Day: Wednesday

~By ViraLayton~

~CO-WRITTEN BY MARIO_MARTINO~

Cartman hadn't met Erica yet. Well, other than the fact that for three minutes she was in his seat. But other than that, she wasn't there. he was walking with Kyle, Stan, and a VERY drunk Kenny after school when a girl went up to them with index cards. She handed one to each of them, then ran up with the girls.

"Stupid Jew?" Kyle read his aloud.

"Mine's blank." Stan sounded confused.

"I think mine says poor lame-ass." Kenny mumbled.

"Mine has her number on it." Cartman bragged.

"No one cares." Stan rolled his eyes.

"Think that was Erica?" he asked.

"Probably, considering she called me a stupid Jew." the girl ran back up to Cartman.

"Erica Cartmine."

"Eric Cartman."

She nodded. The girls went to their respective partner. Stella and Stan stood tensely next to each other, Kylie had her arms wrapped around Kyle, and Kendal was supporting the very drunk Kenny. Erica leaned on Cartman.

"Carmine, when is this thing s'posed to be over?" Stella asked.

"About a month."

"Aww…" Kyle and Kylie moaned in unison.

Cartman gave them a look. "Quit being so clingy, you stupid Jews, it's gonna make me sick."

"SHUT UP CARTMAN!" they yelled.

"Nice." Erica whispered, putting her hand out like a high-five, which he gave her. They all went their separate ways, Erica following Cartman.

"Oh, right, you're s'posed t' stay with me." he reminded himself.

"Gonna be fun?" she asked him.

"Maybe. Depends on what your idea of fun is."

"violent video games and sex." she said with a straight face.

"One of those I can do." Cartman answered. She snickered.

"Really?" she inquired. He nodded.

"Just wait and see." he rolled his eyes. Carman led her to his huge house. She smirked and rolled her eyes. She grabbed him by his shoulders and pinned him against the wall. Cartman looked confused.

"I need to set a few rules with you. A, Call me Cartmine, not Erica. B, NEVER call me a skinny bitch, I'm not. And C, don't EVER call me your girlfriend. Deal?" she glared at him.

"Well, I have some for you." He turned the tables, pinning her against the wall. "A, Call me Cartman, B, Don't call me a fatass, and C, don't call me your boyfriend. Deal?"

She rolled her eyes and walked into his house. Cartman's mom wasn't home.

"Where's your mom?" Erica- err, Cartmine wondered.

"Not here." he trudged up to his room. She followed him.

"I'm not gonna like this, at all." Cartmine whined.

"I ain't liking your attitude."

"Neither am I. And I ain't got an attitude." she looked around. "Where's your Bathroom?"

"Down the hall." He waited until she was gone then ran into his room, slamming the door behind him. "HOLY SHIT THIS GIRL'S AMAZING!" he howled. The door was shoved behind him. Cartman flew forward as Cartmine opened the door. He stood in front of her and glared at her.

"Now class, your homework for tonight is to create an essay telling why your partner is the perfect match for you. It will be three paragraphs at the minimum. Got it?" the class chorused a quiet yes. Mr. Garrison handed out papers to each student. Cartman and Cartmine looked at each other and shared a silent laugh.

The reason? She's exactly like me. he snickered.

"So, how are you my perfect match?" Cartmine asked Cartman, scanning the paper quickly.

"Hmm… we have angry personalities." she hit him.

"we have nothing alike, Cartman." she took out a pen and put the end in her mouth.

He stared at Cartmine "Really? We're EXACTLY alike." she gave him a 'You're kidding me' look.

"How?"

"You're my doppelganger. A Gender-bent doppelganger, but still."

"That's impossible." she scoffed.

"I'll prove it. I'll say things I know about you that are like me." he challenged

"Go ahead, you'll ne-"

"You're 16, you were born on June tenth, 1999, you Love to eat, you live with one of your parents, the other is dead, you hate two of your friends, you-"

"STOP!" Cartmine cried. "Alright, fine, we're alike, but, I don't-"

"Admit it, Cartmine. You actually think this was a good idea." he was trying to rub it in her face.

"That's because it was my idea! " she cried. Cartman stared at her.

"Really?" she nodded. He leered at her. "you actually like me, don't you?" she looked directly at him.

And nodded.

Hold on, is she… crying? He thought. "Are you alright?"

She started to talk, "I hate everything about you-"

"-Why do I Love you?" he finished. She gave him a weak smile.

"Considering how this was your idea, it was a pretty good one." he whispered

"Yeah. Well, now you know." she put he essay back in her book bag. He gave her a once-over. Perfect figure, gentle face, dark eyes.

Incredibly sexy. Bad-ass personality. The list kept going in his head.

"So, now what?" Cartmine asked.

Cartman shrugged his shoulders. "Quickie?"

She slapped him, "HELL NO!"

He rubbed his face, "Worth a shot to ask."

Cartmine got up and laid herself in bed. Cartman looked around, then finding his eyes kept landing on her. He took out a pencil and wrote his essay on Erica Cartmine.

Eric Cartman

Mr. Garrison

Essay on Partners

DIRECTIONS: Write an essay on your partner telling why he/she is the perfect match for you. Include similarities and differences, and what could be better about them. It must be a MINIMUM of three paragraphs.

Essays will be due at the beginning of class tomorrow.

Erica Cartmine

Age: 16

Birthday: June 10, 1999

Interests: Evil plotting, Dieting, Amusement Parks, Rockband, Hunting

Best Friend: Stella March

Often Seen With: Stella March, Kendal MacCermick, Kylie Broslosski

Nunber of Answers Similar: 50/50

Number of Answers Different: 0/50

Unless you're an idiot and can't read, Erica Carmine and I are everything alike. She's my shadow. A mirror image of me, and that's fun, because when there's two of someone around, all hell breaks loose and it gets fun.

Cartmine, as she likes to be called, has the same interests as myself. We both rock to Rockband, try to slim down while dieting, plot evil against our friends, and hunt. With legitimate guns. And she likes amusement parks, most likely money too.

I wouldn't change anything about Cartmine if I could. Other than her attitude, which she says she doesn't have. she's really mean. and pushy. And in a band… Hm. Cartmine is almost like a doppelganger that we learned about. A Gender-bent doppelganger.

As for why? There's another me in the universe.

So HELL YES, she's a damn near perfect match. Is it weird or what?

-Eric Cartman on Erica Cartmine-

Cartman passed his essay up the row as class began. Cartmine looked upset.

"What's eating you?" he whispered to Cartmine.

She shook her head. "Nothing. Just mad at you."

Cartman was perplexed. "Why?"

"Because I hate everything about you, but it's only when I stop to think about it." she spoke quietly.

He rolled his eyes. Cartman felt someone staring at him. He turned and saw Stan gazing at him.

"What?" he tipped his head.

"Nothing. You two are weird." he tuned back to the front of the room.

"No, you and Stella are weird 'cause you're dating Wendy." he jeered.

"Whatever. Oh yeah, Kyle and Kylie REALLY hate you."

He snorted. "What else is new?"