Prompt: Alienate (#465)

September 4th, 1997

I've never tried to make friends. I've never felt the need for one. Probably because for as long as I can remember, books were the best company I'd ever kept.

Even so... despite being estranged, Blaise was my best friend. My only friend.

I don't know if you knew that. Blaise and I rarely spoke much at Hogwarts... but we were friends when we were very little. More because Blaise actually tried, then because of any effort on my part. Which is probably surprising... given how Blaise is... that he would try to become friends and actually endeavor to remain friends, with someone like me.

I haven't been a good friend to him.

When he took you to the Yule Ball - in spite of all rational thought- I hated him. Hated him for having the courage to do what I couldn't bring myself to do. Hated him for having the attention of the only person that ever made me feel anything anymore.

Logically, I knew it didn't matter. We were only fourteen, it was only one school dance... it wasn't like you were going to be together forever. I knew who Blaise was becoming, knew that because of his mother, he would never be capable of committing to one girl. I knew that he would hurt you.

Perhaps I should have warned you, but something stopped me. I don't know if it was some form of loyalty to Blaise, lingering from a childhood littered with memories of my only companion in the darkness. Maybe it was simply, that I was a coward. Maybe I just felt, like you needed a broken romantic history that would pale into what I hoped I'd one day provide you...

But I couldn't help feeling like my world was falling around me every time I saw you together, even though I knew it was doomed to fail.

When it did... when you found out he was cheating on you in sixth year and I saw you that night, with tears streaming down your face... I thought I'd fall apart, right along with you.

I'm still surprised, that you let me cradle you and comfort you.

You don't know how much that memory has lingered with me. How I can still remember how small and perfect you felt in my arms, even though you were sobbing into my chest.

As much as I would have liked the circumstance to have been different, for your heart not to have been broken while I held you in my arms... I still treasure that memory.

It's the only one I have in which you were wrapped up in my arms.

I hope this confession... that I could have spared you pain if I'd only said something, doesn't alienate you. I hope these letters, don't push you away the way I've managed to push away from my life.

Sincerely Yours,
Theodore Nott

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