A Dip In Hell IV
After making it back to Damien's room, Pip was made to sit on the bed while Damien went to get something. Pip felt the cockroaches scurry underneath the sheet and felt just a little sick to his stomach. None the less, he knew if he got up he might get into more trouble then he'd like… the employee's of hell's McDonalds were fresh in his mind.
"Okay I got it!" Damien sounded ecstatic when he burst back into the room, which was clearly a sign that things were not going to improve for Pip any time soon and were in fact most likely to get worse.
"Oh. Splendid" Pip said deadpan as Damien held out what appeared to be a black needle. That didn't seem good "Damien, what is that?" he asked equally deadpan.
"It's a self-inking tattoo needle. We're going to totally cover you in offensive tattoos and-"
"WHAT?! NO!" Pip said in great alarm "What the hell- I don't want to be a tattoo freak! Especially an offensive one!"
"Don't be a baby!"
"You're covering Pip with offensive tattoos? Can I watch?" Ooh. Cartman appeared in the doorway.
"That doesn't seem like a good idea" Kyle frowned from behind the fat boy.
"Hey, you should put 'KIKES SUCK' across his chest!"
"K-ki… CARTMAN!" Kyle screamed "DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS?!"
"Well Kyle, I thought offensive was the idea"
Kyle growled "I can't believe I sucked you off and all you can still fucking do is mock me and my religion!"
Cartman seemed rather flabbergasted "Well- well- what do you EXPECT me to do Kahl?"
Kyle stared at him "You are TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!"
"At least I'm not a Jew!"
"ARG!"
And a slap fight ensued. Pip and Damien watched as it made its way out the door and Damien closed it.
"You know, that gets old really fast" he sighed in his high pitched voice and went back to Pip "And don't worry, it's temporary tattoos"
"Since when do needles give temporary tattoos?!"
"Since we're in hell Frenchie" Damien glared.
Pip frowned and lowered his eyelids "Well forgive me Damien but it seems very likely that you're lying so I'll hold still for your needle and then you'll laugh when I freak out about them NOT being temporary"
Damien stared at him. He seemed to go through a short list of emotions here. He started surprised, headed into rage, then mildly impressed, then back to extreme rage at which time he picked up Pip and flung him across the room where he broke his neck and had to walk back to Damien's house 2 hours later due to having no where else to go, at which time Damien seemed to have gone back to his gay pornographic magazines.
When Pip re-entered the room, Damien seemed to have gone back to impressed.
"So, the Frenchie has gotten smarter" he smirked.
Pip groaned "I'm. Not. French. I'm BRITISH. BRITISH. As in the country on the island that once owned the fucking world! As in ENGLAND! As in France's enemy! As in home of Monty Python, Mary Poppins, and LittleKuriboh!"
Damien's eyes widened "L-LittleKuriboh? I love that guy! He's like, a Youtube idol!"
"I know! And he's BRITISH, just like I'm BRITISH!"
Damien stared for a long moment "So… you're gay, like Bakura! And a Limey!"
Pip's mouth dropped open "But- but- but- NO!"
"Well you are dressed in drag you limey fruitcake"
"ARG! Don't call me limey! And YOU made me dress in this!" Pip raged, toilet paper breasts long since deflated, covered in sweat and scorch marks and basically shredded panty hose, he was seriously looking like an escapee from a slasher zombie film. With… cross dressing maids… yeah.
Damien seemed to notice this deterioration of costume at this point of rage. He seemed to be thinking, eyes roving the uniform. Pip let out his breath slowly, still annoyed, but gradually losing his intense rage. In fact, he was actually getting a little confused.
"Uh. Damien, what are you-"
"SSH!"
"Uh… righto…" more silence as Damien continued to think.
"Okay, you probably need to take off your clothes if I'm going to tattoo stuff on your chest."
"DAMIEN!" Pip screamed, rage returning "I AM NOT LETTING YOU TATTOO MY-" and so Pip found himself with the new arrivals. Okay. Well there had to be other places in hell right? There was no way he was going back to Damien after all this.
So Pip headed off in the opposite direction of Damien's house hoping to find his fortune. Or, well, you know, somewhere he wouldn't get killed every few hours. Huh. Maybe that was how Kenny feels…
"EH! EET IZ ZAT FRENCH 'ATER PIERRE!"
"MEH OUI JEAN CLAUDE!"
"… oh bugger" Pip slapped his forehead and then took off at a run from the two angry French men. Unfortunately he had rather short legs in comparison to his pursuers, but just as he was about to get seriously beat down with French bread for the second time that day, that chick from Charlie's Angels swooped in and beat their brains out. Huh. That went surprisingly well for young Pip. Sadly good luck does not last long for the British, and as he was crossing a stone bridge over a lake of lava, he was apprehended by a couple of demons.
"AAAAAAHHHH!!!" Pip screamed and the next thing he knew his limbs were being stretched painfully by chains and a crank worked by cackling demons. Just when he thought he was stretched to the limit…
They took out feathers.
"Oh no. Oh bloody hell NO HAHAHA NOOOOOO HAHA AAAAAAAH!!!" Pip screamed and laughed as he was viciously assaulted by feathery soft tickles over his skin.
*****
Kyle was not speaking to Eric, and the fat boy was getting increasingly annoyed with his silent roommate.
"Goddamn it Kyle, it's not that big a deal!" Cartman growled.
If Kyle had been speaking to Cartman, he would've said 'Yes. It. IS!!!' and proceed to scream. As it was, he was determined not to cave and instead just turned further away. Which riled up his supposed lover far more then yelling would've.
"You know Kyle, this is REALLY immature of you" silence "Hey Kyle, I bet I know how to make your fireman spray" silence "Hey Kyle, your mom's a bitch" silence "GODDAMN IT KYLE I'M TALKING TO YOU! ANSWER ME YOU DUMB JEW!!"
"Hey, have you guys since that British kid?" Damien asked, poking his head into the room.
"Pip? Uh, no. Not since you were going to tattoo him" Kyle replied to the spawn of Satan.
"Oh yeah! Did you do the kike thing?" Cartman asked gleefully. Kyle twitched mightily at that.
"No, I didn't actually get to that. He was being a pussy so I killed him. He's kind of late getting back though" Damien shrugged "I don't really care, but I was thinking of cool stuff to tattoo on him and it's starting to piss me off"
"Maybe he went somewhere else? I mean, if you keep killing him he's bound to get sick of it" Kyle pointed out.
"I guess" Damien frowned "So can I tattoo you guys?"
"What?! Hell no!" Cartman snapped.
"Yeah! I can't get a tattoo!" Kyle growled.
Damien's eyes flared "In that case you'd better help me find that British kid or I'm going to use you as a sketch pad got it?!"
"… uh…" Cartman and Kyle glanced at each other.
"Well, Hell's a big place… how're we going to search all of it?" Kyle frowned.
"I don't know, Kenny knows Hell pretty well though. He might be able to help" Damien said thoughtfully.
"So are we going to wait for Kenny to die then?" Cartman asked.
"No, we can speed it up" Damien snapped his fingers and the three boys were flying top speed across the world. Lots of dark rooms with candles flashed before their eyes "We can only get in here through séances and stuff since you guys are new dead… hang on…" Damien found a séance going on in South Park and stopped there.
"AAH!" came a shout from the circle.
"You can't break the circle you fucking dipshit!" came the reply to that.
"Hey… is that Butters?" Kyle raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, and those faggy Goth kids too" Cartman blinked.
"I can't talk to them. But the girl seems to be the medium. She'll hear you if you shout. You say you know that kid?"
"Yeah, that's Butters." Cartman nodded "HEY BUTTERS! I'M GOING TO POSSESS YOU!"
The girl Goth's eyes closed "I feel a presence… I feel… of one of those who died in the fire yesterday!"
"R-really? Who is it?" Butters whispered in awe.
"It's that fat kid…" the girl paused as Cartman said 'AYE!' "The one that you used to hang out with"
"Y-you mean Eric? He was doing a podcast with Kyle!" Butters explained.
"Goddamn it…" Kyle growled.
"Yeah, well apparently he wants to try possessing you" the girl sounded exasperated.
"POSSESS ME?!" Butters yelped "No way, I'm not letting Eric anywhere NEAR my soul!"
"Sounds like a good idea" Kyle snorted to Cartman's annoyance.
"Yeah, well I don't think your aura is a match for the fat kid anyway" the girl sighed.
"Awe…" Cartman sounded depressed.
"You fucking idiot…" Kyle seethed "WE JUST WANT TO DELIEVER A MESSAGE!"
"There's another with him… that Jewish kid..."
"Yeah, isn't he Kyle?" the Red Goth asked, flipping his fringe.
"Kyle's here too? Oh Jesus" Butters shook hard "H-hi guys, p-please don't haunt me!"
"No, they just want to deliver a message" the girl sounded irritated.
"oh" Butters flushed "W-well I guess that's alright then"
"TELL KENNY TO SHOOT HIMSELF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!" Kyle shouted.
"They say they want you to tell Kenny to shoot himself as soon as possible"
Silence.
"WHAT?!" Butters yelled, but Damien had already sent the boys back to hell.
"That should take care of that" Damien nodded.
"Uh… sure" Kyle said uncertainly "So if we're going to find Pip we should probably start looking now, maybe your Dad's seen him"
"I'll check the kitchen!"
"You would fat ass" Kyle muttered.
"Hey… you're talking to me!" Cartman said gleefully.
"Aw- AWW!" Kyle slapped his forehead in realization. Darn it.
*****
Kenny was just innocently reading his playboys in his bedroom when the rock came through the window, lodging into the parkaed boy's skull and causing him to spill blood all over the tasty centerfold he was eyeing up. So naturally, he was not a happy camper when he ended up with the new arrivals.
"Mmph mmph mmph!!!" Kenny yelled in frustration and started straight for the portal to earth, he had school in the morning! He needed all the jack off time he could get!
Sadly, before he made it 4 steps he was flagged down by Damien, Cartman and Kyle.
"Kenny! KENNY! Get over here you black asshole!" Cartman yelled.
"Mmph mmph mmph! Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph!"
"Oh yeah, we told Butters to tell you to kill yourself. We need your help finding Pip" Kyle explained.
"MMPH?I MMPH MMPH- mmph…" Kenny pulled own his hood. Hell was hot… "YOU GUYS COULDN'T WAIT A COUPLE HOURS?! SINCE WHEN DO YOU GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THAT FRENCH ASSHOLE!?"
"He's British" Damien said offhandedly. He hadn't really been paying much attention, distracted by a group of chimney sweeps who were throwing kittens into a lava pool.
"… uh… okay…" Cartman said raising an eyebrow at the random comment from the evil boy.
Kyle was also a bit confused by Damien's correction, but carried on replying to Kenny's question "Well, uh, we don't really, Damien wants to tattoo someone and we'd rather not be subjected to it"
Kenny looked at Damien questioningly "Well, if you want to tattoo someone so bad, I'll do it"
"No Kenny, you don't get it, he wants to tattoo really offensive things on you" Kyle said with a frown.
Kenny raised an eyebrow "Well, no one's going to see anything on me anyway, I wear my parka all the time…"
"Oh yeah." Kyle said nodding "So no problem then. Hey Damien, you can just tattoo Kenny, he says it's okay"
Damien started by frowning. Then he turned, glared at Kenny, and turned him into a duck billed platypus.
"Quack Quack" quacked Kenny.
"DAMIEN?! That's not cool!" Kyle gaped.
"DUDE! I thought you just wanted to tattoo someone!" Cartman gaped as well.
"Kenny, if you want to be human when you get back to earth, you'd better help me find my maid! GOT IT?!" Damien snapped. Kenny the platypus' eyes widened and he ran off, quacking Pip's name loudly. Hopefully Pip spoke platypus…
*****
"PIP!"
"PIIIIIIP!"
"HEY YOU LIMEY FRUITCAKE WHERE ARE YOU?!"
"QUACK QUACK!"
You might imagine that looking through hell for one small British boy might be better accomplished by splitting up, but apparently it hadn't occurred to them.
"PIP!"
"PIIIIIP!"
"I THOUGHT MAYBE I'D TATTOO A BIG ASSED DICK ON YOUR FOREHEAD!"
"QUACK… quack?"
Kyle stared at Damien "Yeah dude, Pip's not going to show up if he thinks you're going to tattoo him as soon as he does."
Damien scowled "And why the hell not?"
Cartman rolled his eyes and put his hands on his pudgy hips "Damien, its pretty obvious the little pussy faggot ran away because you were going to tattoo him."
"Well… where else would he go other then my house?" Damien frowned.
"I believe that's what we're trying to find out" Kyle said deadpan and they continued their walk, soundtrack of screams brought to them by the torturous demons of hell!
"AIIIII!!!"
"AAAAAH!!!"
"OH DEAR! AHAHAHA!"
"Wait, that last one sounded familiar" Cartman said, perking up.
"Hey yeah!" Damien grinned and led the rush over a pile of rocks to find Pip being mercilessly tickled, and looking to have crossed the threshold of fun and pain long ago. He had tears running down his face and though he laughed, he definitely did not appear to be having a good time.
"AHAHAHAAAAA"
"HEY! BACK OFF!" Damien snapped at the demons with feathers assaulting Pip's ribcage. They stopped and stared at the approaching black haired prince of hell. Damien walked over to Pip who was trying to regain his breath. He looked seriously tired.
"Oh… D-Damien…" Pip said, looking not very happy to see the boy who saved him from being tickled for eternity. Which really isn't funny. I swear, none of you people would want to be tickled for eternity. At first, yeah, it might seem like a funny way to spend eternity. But then it would get old fast, and it WOULDN'T STOP. Yeah. That's not cool man. Pip glared at Damien "I suppose not that I'm all tied up here you'll have no goddamned trouble tattooing whatever you want on me right?!"
Damien raised an eyebrow "Uh, yeah. Of course."
Pip twitched, then groaned and let his head hang limp against his chest in defeat. Typical. He wasn't going to win this was he?
"Quack quack quack quack QUACK!"
"Oh you have plenty of time to get to the portal Kenny! It hasn't even been two hours!" Damien snapped.
"QUACK QUACK QUACK-"
"GEEZ! FINE!" Damien snapped his fingers and Kenny turned human again.
"MMPH MMPH!"
"You're welcome." Damien rolled his eyes and took out his black needle. Pip raised his head a little and grimaced. Cartman looked utterly giddy, but Kyle seemed to be having second thoughts.
"Hey Damien, m-maybe you shouldn't do this to Pip. I mean, he really never did anything bad… ever. I mean, that's why he's a pussy and no one likes him and all, but I don't think he deserves anything this permanent…" Kyle said tentatively.
"What? Oh God Kyle, not another of your gay little speeches. Do it Damien! Shove that needle in his face! Hey, I got a better idea, write 'FRENCH KIKE' right on his cheeks!"
Kyle twitched, his face grew red, and then he lost it completely.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU TWICE YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!"
"AYE! KYLE NO! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cartman screamed as Kyle threw a punch. The fat boy started running "KENNEH! KENNEH HELP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"THAT'S RIGHT YOU'D BETTER RUN FAT BOY!"
"… mmph mmph" Kenny muttered. He gave Damien a short saluting wave and headed off the portal. It was too damn late at night to deal with tattoos, Satanic beings AND Cartman and Kyle's usual bullshit.
As Kyle and Cartman ended up running further away, Damien was left with a seriously haggard looking Pip stretched out by chains, the demonic boy holding a black tattoo needle in his hand. But surprisingly Damien decided to talk some more.
"You know you're really goddamn lucky I came here you know" Damien said looking a little pissed.
"Oh really? You're right, I feel so goddamn bloody well lucky I'm going to be made a human pincushion! Thanks!" Pip said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
Damien scowled "Well at least that won't last for eternity like being tickled would've if I hadn't come and saved you! And sure being tickled for eternity might SOUND funny, but it's not!"
Pip groaned "Yeah, but whatever you leave on my skin WILL last forever. So forgive me if I'm not joyous at that prospect!"
"You know you've gotten quite the goddamn mouth now haven't you?!" Damien growled.
"Well you know getting killed repeatedly helps that apparently!" Pip snapped, eyes starting to water "Just… just use me as your goddamn billboard of obscenity already! I want to get down from here…"
Damien seemed to be chewing the inside of his cheek and thinking. He walked casually over to Pip. Then walked behind him. Pip felt the back bits of his longish hair being lifted up. Then a searing pain across the back of his neck.
"AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!" pip screamed. How the hell would he live through this happening across the rest of his body?! He'd be driven crazy. Utterly mad with the pain of it.
Then… it was done. Damien stepped back.
"There" Damien smirked and let the hair fall back in place, partially obscuring his handiwork. Pip could only imagine what racial slur was being broadcast from his neck now "Done" the chains were released. Pip let out another shriek as he fell to the ground. He rubbed his wrists and arms, then carefully felt the back of his neck.
"D-done?" Pip hardly believed what he'd heard "I thought you were-" but Damien had already seemed to lose interest and was screaming for Kyle to let Cartman out of the headlock and quit tearing out his hair so they could go home.
As Pip walked back, following Damien and the still-fighting Colorado boys, he kept reaching to feel the back of his neck and wondering what the hell Damien put back there that was bad enough to count for a whole body's worth of pain…
Joyful Note: So. This was longer then usual by two pages on word. I don't know, is the quality slipping? Maybe not quality, but I think it's at least setting up for something seriously cheesy… NO! I refuse to let Damien turn into a pussy, he will torture Pip! Dating the son of Satan isn't supposed to be perfect damn it! I demand a blood sacrifice! BLOOD I TELL YOU! … woah. I have no clue where that came from. I really shouldn't be typing this late at night…