Disclaimer: I still don't own Atlantis. I don't even own my own internet connection.
Pairings: Sheppard/Lorne
Author's Note: I apologise for the wait between chapters, not only did I not have access to the internet, but this chapter was being evil to rewrite. In fact, I hate it. It's still terrible, and far shorter than my others, but I can't stand to look at it anymore, so I'm giving up and posting it. Please don't leave a review to tell me how bad it is, I already know and I promise I'll try to do better with the next one. But thanks to everyone who reviewed or added this to alerts or favourites.
Warning:Minor character death
Chapter 3
Lorne glance out of the window at the ocean for the dozenth time since he sat down in front of his laptop. He had a report to write for Woolsey and Sheppard, and he doubted it would be well received. By Woolsey at least, he doubted Sheppard would care, except maybe about the damage to the Jumper. Lorne winced. Sheppard would definitely care about that.
After the sparring session with his team the day before, he'd had orders to take the new scientist for her basic survival training on the Mainland. It was nothing he hadn't done for new personnel in the past, though he wished he'd skipped this one. The first annoyance had come when they got to the Jumper Bay to find that Zelenka was messing around with Lorne's preferred Jumper, so he'd been forced to take out one of the less used ones. Which, as it turned out, hadn't been such a bad choice.
Given that everyone with the gene was given Jumper training eventually, he'd not seen anything wrong with letting her try it. Dax had not missed her calling as a pilot. She was terrible. When she'd told him she never learnt to drive a car because she tended to crash, he'd thought she was joking. But no matter what he'd said or how he explained that the Jumper required a certain amount of give and take to fly there was no improvement. And he'd experienced smoother landings in ejection training.
He sighed heavily. He knew he needed to complete his report, but he was more concerned with how Sheppard was going to react when he saw the ship. Zelenka had assured Lorne that it looked worse than it was, but his CO was unnaturally attached to those ships. It may have been a little excessive for him to spend the night on the Mainland staring at the damage and worrying that Sheppard was going to kill him, but he wasn't looking forward to that conversation.
Atlantis. September 2009
Sheppard paced uneasily along the halls of the city. He'd already been for his run that morning, alone, again, but he was still feeling on edge. He couldn't figure out quite what had him so restless since they got back to Pegasus. He thought he would feel better once the city was back where it belonged, but there was still something bothering him. It was more obvious to him now that his usual methods of distraction weren't as readily available. Sparring with Teyla or Ronon didn't offer much chance for worrying about anything else.
His unfocused wandering took him into the mess hall and over to the serving line. He poured himself a cup of coffee and looked around, feeling a strange desire to sigh when he realised his team were nowhere to be seen. It wasn't as if he'd spent every meal with his team, but usually one of them had been around. Now it seemed like he was always on his own and it made him feel slightly uncomfortable. He couldn't credit the idea that he was lonely, because he'd spent most of his life trying to get as far away from people as possible. Just when had that started to change? When had he become someone who craved company?
He spotted Lorne sitting alone at the table they'd shared on a number of occasions while the city was on Earth and made his way over. The younger man was staring out of the window, clearly worrying over something. Sheppard had spent enough time with him over the years to recognise it, Lorne didn't really hide his emotions.
"Mind if I join you Lorne?" he asked, startling the other man into looking up at him warily.
"Of course sir," Lorne said a little stiffly, gesturing to the seat opposite him. Sheppard frowned slightly but sat down anyway.
"So we're back to that are we?" he asked, earning him a confused look, so he clarified, "The 'sir' thing. I thought you were over that."
"Given the circumstances it seemed like a good idea," Lorne murmured, glancing down at the table to avoid meeting Sheppard's eye. Sheppard's frown deepened as he tried to work out why Lorne looked like he expected to be assigned punishment duty for the next three months. It didn't make any sense, especially since he hadn't seen Lorne for more than a minute since the day after he got back from the Mainland and reported about the damaged Puddle Jumper.
Lorne was acting about as nervous now as he had during that conversation, not that Sheppard could work out why. Ok, so when he'd been pissed about Daniel Jackson's pet scientist crashing one of the ships, but he didn't blame Lorne. The Jumpers got damaged on a semi-regular basis, and Zelenka said it could be fixed without too much trouble. Besides, it was difficult to be mad at his XO when he hadn't looked so contrite since he told Sheppard about getting the Orion blasted out of the sky.
"Are you still worrying about the Jumper Lorne?" he asked, "You didn't crash the thing, let it go."
"I was responsible..." Lorne began.
"I said let it go," Sheppard repeated, almost smiling at the man's stubborn insistence on blaming himself for something he didn't do. He held Lorne's gaze for a moment, until Lorne finally nodded in agreement.
"Good," Sheppard said, "Besides, I think the science trip you're taking out later will be punishment enough."
"Thanks for the reminder," Lorne said dryly.
"Sorry," Sheppard shrugged unapologetically, although he did feel bad for inflicting the scientists on his friend.
"I doubt anyone would have volunteered for it," Lorne rolled his eyes and Sheppard smirked, "It's a very short list of people who can be around Parrish for any length of time without shooting him."
"I still feel like I should owe you a beer when you get back," Sheppard mused.
"If you insist," Lorne grinned after a moment of consideration. Sheppard grinned in response, feeling better in that moment than he had in several days. They fell into easy conversation until it came time for Lorne to get ready for his mission, when John accompanied him as he collected his gear and weapons, then wandered up to the 'gate room to meet his team.
They found Lorne's team already waiting for them in front of the stargate, along with two of the three scientists they were meant to be taking off-world. Dr Stevens was checking the myriad of sample cases around her, while Dax laughed quietly with Kagan and Coughlin scowled at them disapprovingly.
"Sir," Marks greeted them with a nod, "Unsurprisingly, Parrish is late, again."
"Every time we go off-world," Kagan said rolling his eyes.
Lorne sighed, knowing there was nothing he could do to hasten the botanist's arrival, and frankly, he was in too good a mood to want to ruin it so soon. He was back in Sheppard's good graces after the incident -though he wasn't sure he fancied the chances of a certain redhead- and the stress he'd been carrying around the last few days had melted away. They were discussing the week's upcoming missions when Parrish finally arrived in the 'gate room and they exchanged a long-suffering look.
"I'm so sorry I'm late," Parrish said as he fluttered around Lorne's team, "I left the lab and realised I hadn't brought sufficient sample containers, there are a number of Betula uber on M4X-332 that I really should collect…"
"Betula what-a?" Coughlin asked shaking his head in bafflement.
"Virginia Round-leaf birch, thought to be extinct until recently," Parrish said, "It's now listed as critically endangered but still..."
"Yeah, we really don't care doc," Sheppard remarked. Lorne fought down a smile at the look on Parrish's face, then turned his attention to watching the chevrons on the 'gate lighting up. He barely glanced at the scientists gathering up all the bags and cases they always seemed to need for some mysterious reason. He really thought that the biologists should invest some time on developing some kind of beast of burden for the science teams. Maybe something between a pack-mule and a Great Dane.
"Lorne, you have a go," Sheppard said, breaking him out of his fanciful musings.
"Yes sir," he nodded, signalling absently for his team to precede him, "Let's go."
Marks and Kagan took point while Coughlin helped the scientists with their gear. He cast a glance around the 'gate room as they approached the gate, catching a final glimpse of Sheppard watching them before he stepped through the 'gate. He stepped through the event horizon and was engulfed in the familiar tingling chill, then it was gone and he was standing in the sunshine on another planet. There were trees on either side of the gate, forming a corridor that lead towards the settlement, and the team had fanned out to check the immediate area.
"This place never makes sense to me," Kagan remarked as he looked around, "Don't they realise that clearing this path through the trees makes it easier for the Wraith darts to reach the settlement?"
"But if the people here use the 'gate to trade they probably need easy access to it as well," Dax offered, then ducked her head as people turned to look at her. Since the incident on the Mainland the redhead had been withdrawn and quiet, hardly speaking to anyone and spending most of her time locked in the lab or her quarters.
"Ok, Kagan, Marks, you're watching the 'gate, Coughlin why don't you give the settlement a quick courtesy visit, Parrish, Stevens, Dax collect your samples, don't go wandering off too far and try to stay out of trouble," Lorne said heavily. He was already getting the feeling that this would be a long few hours and he wanted it done with as soon as possible. The fact that he had plans with John had nothing to do with it.
The scientists collected their equipment and drifted off in various directions, and he began his first circuit of the area around the 'gate. While normally he would have assigned one of his team to each scientist, this was a friendly world that they visited for research often enough that he didn't feel the need to inflict that particular torture on his men. He knew they'd thank him for it.
He set off walking, circling the area around the 'gate just to keep an eye on things. He ran into Dr Stevens just as he was working his way back towards the Stargate.
"Hey doc, how's it going?" Lorne called out as he approached.
"Oh! Major, you startled me," the woman exclaimed. Lorne smiled slightly and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Scientists could be so clueless.
"Sorry doc," he said, "You found anything interesting?"
"Oh yes actually!" the woman beamed, "I just picked up this. Isn't he a beauty?"
The scientist turned, holding out her hand, on which was the most enormous cockroach he'd had ever seen. It was the size of the woman's palm and a blackish-red, and Lorne grimaced as he reared back slightly in distaste.
"That's... real nice doc," he frowned. Stevens sighed as she picked up a jar for the creature.
"Dr Davis didn't seem very taken with him either," she said absently, "I think she might be entomophobic."
"What?" Lorne shook his head.
"Afraid of insects," Stevens clarified, still focusing on the task of cataloguing the bug she was so interested in.
"Right..." he said slowly.
"I don't understand it, personally," Stevens continued as she scribbled in her notebook.
"What a surprise," Lorne murmured. The woman didn't notice the sarcasm in his tone, not that he was particularly surprised. She was busy talking to herself as she continued to write her notes and barely spared him a glance. He shook his head in disbelief.
"I'll be back later doc," he told Stevens, turning and walking away before she could start some undoubtedly fascinating lecture about the new and interesting bugs she'd found here in Pegasus. Of course, fascinating was a relative term, especially with scientists he'd discovered.
It wasn't long before he ran into Parrish and Dax. Or rather, he heard them and stopped out of sight when he recognised the sound of the botanist's voice. Ridiculous and childish behaviour for a grown man, let alone a trained military officer, but there was no-one there to see him essentially hiding from the irritating scientist. So he leant back against a tree and listened to the voices drifting to him. It wasn't just that Parrish was irritating, there was something unnerving about the way the botanist tended to stare at him.
The two scientists were talking about some plant that Parrish was taking cuttings off for the redhead, and as was fairly typical of the scientific conversations in the city Lorne only understood every fifth word. Basically the gist seemed to be that whatever Dax wanted the plant for, it would need to be grown in the botany labs first. Lorne was just considering whether he should leave them to it or go and check in with them while they were preoccupied when Parrish wandered passed him. Lorne waited for a moment before he stepped out from his concealment and wandered over to join Dax.
"Find what you were looking for?" he asked, startling her slightly though he could see she tried to hide it.
"It wasn't difficult," she replied, keeping her eyes locked on the equipment she was busy packing away.
"You had Parrish help you?"
"He's kinda irritating but I kill plants just by being in the same vicinity so it seemed prudent," Dax shrugged, finally glancing at him over her shoulder.
"I checked in with Dr Stevens a few minutes ago," he mentioned, and this time Dax's flinch was clear as day.
"And she told you I ran screaming when she showed me her new pet?" she shook her head, "Like crashing that Puddle Jumper wasn't embarrassing enough now she's going to tell everyone about my phobia?"
"How does that even work?" Lorne asked curiously, "I mean, fear of bugs?"
"By definition a phobia is an irrational fear," Dax said defensively, "It's not meant to make sense. And I would have been fine, except I wasn't expecting to have a cockroach the size of a Yorkie shoved in my face. I wish I'd known that Dr Stevens was an entomologist, I would have avoided her."
Lorne shook his head in disbelief, then paused, cocking his head to the side slightly as a familiar sound reached his ears. Dax straightened up slowly and frowned.
"Was that the 'gate?" she asked.
"Kagan, Marks? Report," Lorne called clicking his radio.
There was no response, at least not that he could hear. There was a high-pitched whining drone, that drowned out everything else. The sound turned into a screaming as it got louder. Lorne winced as he recognised the sound, bringing his weapon up reflexively.
"Is that..?" Dax looked over at him, her eyes wide with panic and fear.
"Darts," he nodded grimly.
"Wonderful," Dax said weakly.
Lorne turned and headed back through the trees towards the 'gate, waving for Dax to stay behind him. They reached the tree line in under a minute, and crouched out of sight, watching the Wraith ships come through the 'gate. The darts flew straight down the corridor of trees towards the settlement.
"Culling?" Dax asked in a choked voice and Lorne nodded painfully. They had just watched three darts fly out of the 'gate to the village, there weren't enough of them to make any difference against the Wraith. All they could do was get their people and go home, and bring a team back to help any survivors later, if they'd accept the assistance. He could see Kagan from where they were, he was on the floor to the side of the 'gate and he wasn't moving. There was no sign of Marks, Coughlin, Stevens or Parrish.
"We have to find Parrish and Stevens," Lorne said quietly, gesturing towards the opposite side of the 'gate where the other scientist had been working.
"Radio?" Dax asked.
"They aren't answering," Lorne said, straightening up. He glanced down when he realised that the young redhead hadn't moved. She was still crouched behind the cover of a tree and he could see her trembling faintly. He suddenly realised there was no way she was going anywhere. With a sigh he pulled the 9mil out of his thigh holster and held it out to her.
"You stay here," he told her as she accepted it with shaking hands and a confused expression, "If any Wraith come this way, shoot them."
With that he turned and disappeared into the trees, muttering under his breath about the stupidity of scientists. He made his way around behind the 'gate, using the trees as cover. It only took him minutes to locate Dr Stevens. She hadn't moved very far from where she'd been when he ran into her earlier, and she was crouched by one of the trees doing a pretty poor job of hiding. She didn't notice him until he was right next to her and then he had to clamp a hand over her mouth to stop her screaming and giving away their position to the Wraith.
"Major Lorne," she exclaimed in relief when he let her go.
"Have you seen Parrish?" he asked in a whisper and the woman shook her head, "I need to find him."
"What about Dr Davis?" Stevens whispered.
"She's in the trees on the opposite side of the clearing," Lorne told her, "She'd got cover and a 9mil, she'll be fine."
He hoped that Dax would manage to look after herself if the need arose; this wasn't exactly being thrown in at the deep end, but it was as close as made no difference for a civilian, and she'd looked pretty terrified. He signalled for Stevens to follow him, and sighed in exasperation when she started to gather up her numerous cases. Impatiently he waved for her to leave them behind and started off through the trees. They hadn't gone far when there was a flash of movement up ahead. Lorne took cover behind a tree and brought up his P-90, scanning the area in front of them.
"Major?" a voice called softly.
"Coughlin," Lorne sighed in relief and lowered his gun as the Marine stepped into view.
"I heard your radio call on the way back from the village and took cover just as the Wraith came passed," Coughlin reported in a hushed voice, "They didn't see me."
"Good, have you seen Parrish?" Lorne asked.
"No sir," Coughlin shook his head, "Where…"
Whatever he'd been about to ask Lorne never found out. There was a burst of weapons fire, followed by the sound of Wraith stunners. Without any need to communicate Lorne and Coughlin took off running towards the 'gate, their weapons raised. Lorne barely even registered peripheral sensations as they ran, all his focus on reaching the source of the gunshots.
When they got close enough to see what was happening, they found Parrish cowering under the DHD, with one of the Wraith injured on the ground while four of the warrior Wraith had their backs to them. They were firing stunners into the trees where Lorne had left Dax. There were more shots and Lorne and Coughlin raised their weapons to take out the Wraith left standing. It took the drones a moment to register the new threat and turn the stunners towards Lorne and Coughlin, forcing the two men to take cover behind trees as they fired.
When all the Wraith were down, including the one that had been injured when they arrived and got up again, there was silence for a few moments. Parrish was the first to move, scrambling to his feet, dusting off his clothes and staring at the dead Wraith. There was movement in the trees and Dax stumbled into view, the gun Lorne had given her pointing unsteadily at the unmoving bodies, her shaking visible even from across the clearing.
"Thank you Major, you..." Parrish was saying breathlessly, though he trailed off, looking around in confusion.
"Over here doc," Lorne said as he and Coughlin stepped into the clearing, with Dr Stevens following along behind him, "Dax?"
"I...uh..." she shook her head, pale and visibly shaking as she stared down at the weapon in her hand.
"Coughlin, make sure those things are dead," Lorne ordered, quickly stepping over and reclaiming his gun from the silent redhead. He headed toward the 'gate, looking for Marks, knowing he had to be there somewhere, but dreading what he might find. Coughlin made quick work of checking the Wraith before he moved on to where Kagan had fallen. He knelt and felt the younger man's neck for a pulse, calling the lieutenant's name, just as Lorne found Marks. Or what was left of him.
Feeling sick, Lorne knelt beside the body. He took a shaky breath, trying not to let his emotions overwhelm him. As happened all too frequently, he had a flashback to the Unas planet, where they had lost a member of the team and found his body strung up, horribly mutilated as a warning to them. His stomach roiled and he fought against the urge to vomit, wiping the cold sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. He could vaguely hear Coughlin talking to Kagan as he looked back down at his dead team member and tried to focus on that as he did what he had to.
"Are you ok? Any shooting pains in your head, neck? Anywhere?" Coughlin was asking.
"Ah…I don't know," Kagan groaned, "I feel kinda dizzy and everything looks fuzzy."
"It sounds like you have a concussion Lieutenant," Coughlin told him, "What happened?"
"I moved up to flank the 'gate when it activated," Kagan muttered, "When the first Dart came through I dived out of the way. I must have hit my head."
"Well at least you didn't hit anything important," Coughlin teased, but there was a heaviness in his voice that undermined the attempt at humour.
Lorne hauled himself to his feet after covering Marks' body. If they were able to do so safely, a team would be sent back to retrieve it so he could be sent home for a military funeral. If not… He glanced down at the dog tags in his hand that felt like they weighed more than a planet. If they couldn't send back the body, all Marks' family would get would be those tags, maybe a medal, and no explanation about how he'd died. He resolutely put the tags in a pocket of his vest and looked over to Coughlin and Kagan.
"Come on," Coughlin said hauling his teammate to his feet, "We need to get you back to the city."
"Anything you say," Kagan agreed, as he stumbled around the 'gate leaning heavily against the other man.
"Kagan," Lorne said with relief, "Good to see you're still with us."
"Yes sir," Kagan agreed, looking around with unfocused eyes, "Sergeant Marks?"
Lorne closed his eyes for a moment so he wouldn't have to see the hopefully expectant look on the young Marine's face, then he shook his head slowly. His eyes were magnetically drawn towards the covered body at the other side of the 'gate.
"Fed on?" Kagan asked grimly.
Lorne nodded again as Parrish dialled the DHD and the 'gate flashed into life. He turned and entered a code on his GDO, sending it through the 'gate to Atlantis.
"Let's go," he said shortly, gesturing for them to precede him. Parrish didn't need any more encouragement, practically throwing himself and the sample cases he was carrying into the active wormhole. Stevens went a little more slowly, a guiding arm around the shoulders of a blank-faced Dax, followed by Coughlin still supporting Kagan. Lorne took one final glance at Marks' body, feeling the bile rising in his throat again before he stepped through the 'gate.
Sheppard was loitering around in the control room, trying to look busy without actually doing anything when the alarms for an unscheduled 'gate activation went off. He looked expectantly at Chuck, who was seated at the console.
"Receiving Major Lorne's IDC," the Canadian tech reported.
"Let them in," Sheppard ordered, already bolting for the stairs, a feeling of unease in the pit of his stomach.
"Major! What happened?" he demanded as they stepped out of the 'gate. Coughlin was supporting Kagan, and the scientists were clustered together, but he was more focused on Lorne, who had blood running down the side of his face, and looked far from his usual self. The sinking feeling increased at the sight of his XO.
"Wraith," Lorne said shortly, in a dead voice, "We assumed they turned up to cull the planet."
"Where's Sergeant Marks?" Sheppard asked looking around. Lorne pulled something out of his vest pocket and held it out to Sheppard. Sheppard could feel himself pale as he took the tags. He only just managed to stop himself reaching out to touch Lorne, he just couldn't stand to see him look so defeated.
"Kagan was hurt sir," Lorne said dully, "We couldn't bring Marks back as well."
"I understand," Sheppard said softly. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but sometimes it was necessary. He would see to it that a team was sent back to retrieve Sergeant Marks' body as soon as possible.
"Colonel…" Lorne began.
"There's nothing you can do Lorne," Sheppard said in a quiet voice and Lorne nodded, looking up at Sheppard with pained eyes. They stood like that for several minutes that seemed to stretch on forever, blocking out everything around them. It was only when the medical team arrived that they moved.
"We'll debrief in one hour," Sheppard said clearing his throat, "Get to the infirmary and get checked out."
"Yes sir," Lorne said, turning and heading out of the 'gate room after the medical team.
Sheppard watched them as they walked away. He didn't like what he saw in Lorne's eyes. He recognised it from the times over the years he'd seen it reflected back at him in the mirror. The man was blaming himself. It wasn't unusual, but he was still concerned. There was a part of him that wanted to follow Lorne and keep an eye on him, but he forced himself to turn and head in the opposite direction.
He spoke briefly to Woolsey, but as soon as he left his office Sheppard found himself on his way down to the infirmary without a second thought. He could hear Lorne as soon as he stepped through the door and followed the sound of his voice to the right bed.
"It's a scratch doc!" Lorne insisted, "I'm fine."
"Major, I'm not worried about your injury," Keller said gently, "But I really think it would be better if you stayed here, where we can keep an eye on you."
"Doc," Sheppard interrupted, "Is there a problem?"
"No, I'm fine," Lorne answered forcefully. Sheppard studied him, trying to judge the validity of that statement. He still looked a little dishevelled, the cut on his face was clean and stitched, but even Sheppard could see the pain and guilt in his eyes.
"Ok," Sheppard nodded. Lorne didn't want to talk about it and he was fine with that. He hated talking about anything like that, which probably explained the slightly uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"Major!" Keller protested.
"How's everyone else?" Sheppard enquired before she could badger Lorne any further. The younger man gave him a grateful look.
"Steven and Parrish were understandably shaken," Keller reported, "But they should be fine when they calm down. Kagan has a severe concussion, we'll be keeping him for a while. Dax too. She's suffering from acute stress reaction..."
"In English," Sheppard huffed irritably.
"Psychological shock," Keller said, "It's a response to terrifying events. Not uncommon, but surprising here. She should snap out of it in a few hours, hopefully. The major is also showing certain signs of it."
"I told you, I'm fine," Lorne repeated, slipping down from the bed he was sitting on, "And I'm leaving."
"Ok, let's go," Sheppard agreed, following Lorne out of the infirmary despite Keller's protests.
They walked in silence to the locker room to store Lorne's gear, then on the the control room. At the top of the 'gate room steps Sheppard headed for their office, earning him a confused look from Lorne.
"Aren't we going to the conference room?" he asked.
"No point, with everyone else stuck in the infirmary it's just us," Sheppard shrugged.
"Woolsey?"
"Woolsey is a little busy dealing with some representative of the Coalition," Sheppard lied. He'd managed to convince Woolsey to let him deal with the mission debriefing on his own. The last thing Lorne needed right now was that pencil-pushing bureaucrat making him relive every moment and second-guess every decision. It was obvious that he felt bad enough already.
"You're stuck with me," he smiled faintly as they stepped into the office, "So run me through it."
The faint smile that had been on Lorne's lips vanished and he sighed heavily as he practically fell into his chair.
"Alright," Lorne said dully shifting in his seat, "We arrived on M4X-332, I left Marks and Kagan to guard the 'gate, sent Coughlin to the settlement and went to walk the perimeter while Parrish, Stevens and Dax collected their samples. We were there for maybe an hour, I checked in with Stevens, then headed round to Dax and Parrish and while I was with Dax we heard the Darts come through the 'gate. We headed for the 'gate as soon as we heard the Darts, and got there in time to see another coming through. Kagan was on the floor by the 'gate..."
Sheppard sat patiently across the desk, waiting for Lorne to continue. Looking at the haggard expression on his face, so different from the carefree look he'd had when he left the city less than two hours ago, Sheppard wanted nothing more than to tell Lorne to forget it, maybe grab that beer he'd offered him and call it a night. He really didn't want to be the one forcing him to relive the loss of one of his team. But better it be him that someone else, someone like Woolsey. He gave Lorne what he hoped was a reassuring and encouraging look, nodding slightly for him to continue.
"I knew I had to find Parrish and Stevens, but Dax was in no state to go anywhere so..."
"What happened?"
"Not cut out for going off-world after all I guess," Lorne shrugged, "Too scared to even hold a gun without her hand shaking, so I left her where she was. She had cover and the 9mil I gave her. I thought she'd be a liability to take with me so..."
Sheppard nodded absently. Now wasn't the time to comment on how disappointed certain people were going to be that Dax hadn't lived up to expectations. Or to contemplate how impossibly smug McKay would be when he heard the news.
"I circled around behind the 'gate and was able to locate Dr Stevens fairly quickly," Lorne continued, "But there was no sign of Parrish. That was about the point that Coughlin arrived and we heard gunshots. There were four of the warrior Wraith firing stunners towards where I'd left Dax, one of the male Wraith was down but still alive and Parrish was hiding under the DHD. Coughlin and I took out the Wraith, then I ordered him to check the Wraith were dead while I…retrieved Marks' tags…"
"Ok," Sheppard nodded, seeing how hard it was for Lorne to go over that part.
"It's not a very coherent account I know," Lorne said apologetically.
"The others can fill in the gaps when they hand in their reports," Sheppard assured him, "I just thought you might want to get this over and done with sooner rather than later."
"Doesn't really make that much difference," Lorne murmured, and Sheppard would have had to have been blind to miss the pain in Lorne's eyes.
"There was nothing you could have done Evan," Sheppard said softly.
"When does that ever make anyone feel better John?" Lorne asked in a voice that was almost too low to hear.
"Never," Sheppard conceded standing up and walking around the desk. He stopped at Lorne's side and hesitantly reached out and laid his hand on Lorne's shoulder. Lorne looked up at him in surprise. Sheppard himself was surprised. He had no idea why he was recently feeling such a compulsion to touch Lorne. In fact, he could admit in the privacy of mind, he was tempted to pull Lorne into a hug. That thought alone should have made him pull his hand away as if he was burned, instead it stayed exactly where it was, as if he no longer had the ability to control it. But Lorne wasn't looking freaked out and was showing no signs of bolting the way he had the last time something like this happened, so Sheppard hoped he might be able to regain mastery of the offending appendage before it earned him a punch in the jaw or something similar.
"Take the rest of the day off Lorne," Sheppard suggested.
"No, I have far too much paperwork to do," Lorne looked up at Sheppard and smiled slightly, "Most of it's yours."
"Look, I know I can't order you to stop beating yourself up about this, because that would be stupid," Sheppard told Lorne softly, "But Keller really didn't want to let you out of her sight, so…just…try not to get yourself hauled back to the infirmary, alright?"
"Alright," Lorne agreed in a strangely hushed voice.
Sheppard nodded, and finally managed to disengage his hand from its residence on Lorne's shoulder so he could go back to his side of the desk. He flicked on his laptop under the pretence of checking his emails, but actually he had no intention of leaving just yet. Just in case.
Lorne was only too willing to lose himself in the monotony of requisition orders after what was more conversation than debriefing. It was boring and repetitive and perfect for distracting him from things he preferred not to think about at that moment. Like the fact they hadn't been back in Pegasus that long, and Marks was the first person they'd lost since they'd returned. The fact that their first casualty was a member of his team did not sit well with him, especially when it had been such a simple mission. Surely it said something about his abilities that he managed to lose a teammate on a scientific survey mission? Again, a traitorous part of his mind whispered.
Because this wasn't the first time this had happened after all.
He took a slow shaky breath, trying to banish the recurring image of Ritter's horrific death. He glanced up to find Sheppard was still sitting on the opposite side of the desk, trying to look like he was working rather than surreptitiously watching his XO. Lorne's emotions were too much of a mess to even begin to decipher how he felt about Sheppard's presence. He probably should have been irritated that Sheppard thought he needed to be supervised, but that would have required more energy that he could summon at that moment, and since Sheppard wasn't trying to engage him in unnecessary conversation he just allowed himself to draw some measure of comfort from the other man's company. Not quite as much as he'd got from the simple touch of John's hand resting on his shoulder.
He had no idea what to make of that. It was completely unexpected, though far from unwelcome, and judging from the expression on Sheppard's face it had surprised him as much as it had Lorne. But he hadn't pulled away when he realised what he'd done, and that managed to cause a small curl of warmth in Lorne's chest, even if it was barely enough to make a difference to the bone-deep chill that had been with him since he laid eyes on Marks' body.
Lorne didn't pay much attention to the time as he worked his way through the stack of paperwork that always seemed to migrate over to his side of the desk, but he glance up every now and then to find that Sheppard was still there ostensibly working, his eyes always on his laptop. It was almost a surprise to glance up after what must have been several hours and find hazel eyes staring at him intently.
"I'm pretty sure it's time to eat," Sheppard mentioned.
"I'm really not hungry," Lorne told him, since there was still a rather large lead weight sitting in his stomach.
"But I bet you wouldn't say no to that beer I offered you," Sheppard surmised, and Lorne felt a hint of a smile curling his lips. If only John realised that he couldn't say no to anything he asked.
"You're probably right," he agreed.
"Great, but we're picking up food first," Sheppard announced, pushing away from his desk, "A hangover isn't going to help you any."
A part of Lorne wanted to retort that he was a grown man and didn't need to be watched and coddled like a child. But the bigger part of him was enjoying the fact that John cared enough to want to look after him, even if it was just in the form of making sure he ate and offering him beer and company at the end of a very bad day. It was the most he was ever likely to get, so he'd take it. He stood up and followed John out of their office without a word.
In an unusual show of perception, Sheppard didn't even ask if he wanted to eat in the mess. Without saying a word he left Lorne standing outside while he went to collect food for them, allowing him to avoid being surrounded by people for which he was very grateful. As a general rule, Lorne preferred to deal with this kind of thing alone, he hated feeling like he was under observation. But spending time with Sheppard somehow combined to make him feel better and worse at the same time and he couldn't walk away from it if he tried.
Twenty minutes after finishing his meal in Sheppard's quarters, Lorne couldn't have said what he'd eaten. It had been put in front of him and he'd been instructed to eat, so he did. Mechanically and without tasting what he was eating, but sometimes that was for the best in Pegasus. Sheppard handed over the beer he'd promised without hesitation, and put on a movie that Lorne didn't bother to glance at as he applied himself to his drink. He was fairly certain John had only put it on to avoid sitting in uncomfortable silence.
He was on his third beer when he caught Sheppard watching him with what looked like concern.
"It's only beer John, it's not as if I'm drinking that paint-stripper Zelenka calls vodka," he assured him.
"Good thing too, the way you're going you'd be heading for liver failure by now," Sheppard said. Lorne sighed.
"I figured you for the last person that would try to make me talk about this John," he said slowly.
"I wasn't going to suggest that," Sheppard told him, but his obvious discomfort belied his statement.
"I should call it a night," Lorne decided, suddenly far too tired for any company at all.
"Lorne... Ev', do you have someone you can talk to about this?" Sheppard asked awkwardly as Lorne stood up.
"Not since Kate died," Lorne said heavily, alcohol and exhaustion making him more forthcoming than he would normally be.
"Kate Heightmeyer?" Sheppard asked in surprise and Lorne nodded as he headed for the door.
"Good night John. Thanks for the beer," he said softly.
"Evan," Sheppard's voice stopped him as he reached for the door control, "If you decide you need to talk about what happened..."
"You aren't offering are you?" Lorne asked, turning to stare incredulously at his CO.
"You don't need to sound so surprised," Sheppard muttered darkly.
"Given how much you hate conversations like that I'm surprised the universe didn't implode," Lorne managed to smile, "But thanks."
Sheppard nodded, but didn't say anything else when Lorne turned and left. He walked slowly back to his own quarters, contemplating whether he'd drunk enough to let him reach a dreamless sleep, or if he was going to be troubled by nightmares again. They always recurred when they lost someone, especially when it was someone Lorne felt he should have been able to save.
He stepped into his quarters and didn't bother to turn on the lights as he locked the door, stripped out of his uniform and fell into bed. He lay in the dark, staring up at the ceiling as sleep eluded him, his mind tumbling over images of Marks and Ritter and all the other people he felt like he'd failed to protect.