I'm sorry that this took so long to get posted. The lag in updates is merely a preview of my summer laziness. Motivation and sense of time go out the window, so I'll really need some encouragement to keep up with posting. My editor is away all summer, so I won't even have her to kick my ass if I don't do anything (although she's just as lazy, so it's a no-win situation).

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Chapter title belongs to...well it's sung by Masakazu Morita. :)

My Own Worst Nightmare

By Kouzumi93

Chapter 3: MEMORIES IN THE RAIN

Hinamori turned to me, confusion written all over her face. "Hitsugaya-kun...What's going on?" There was an odd tone to her voice.

I heard what sounded like glass shattering, and then it suddenly seemed to me as if I was staring through a broken window at another world on the other side. Maybe a world parallel to this one, because my mother was on the other side, but she was looking frail and sickly.

That can't be right, I thought. "Okaa-san, I'm going to take my backpack upstairs and clean up for dinner, okay?"

Her opposite self nodded. "Alright."

"You'd better get out of here soon, Hinamori. You don't want to get yourself caught up in the storm." I indicate the terrible weather that had been brewing for a while.

"Yeah, I'll probably leave in a minute or so."

"That would be good." I waved as a good-bye supplement and exited the room through an archway to the left, made an immediate right and started up the stairs. In the upstairs hallway, my door was the first of three, so I entered and tossed my backpack on a lounge chair by my TV. There was a door directly across the entrance to my room that led into my bathroom, though it wasn't really mine because it was accessible from the hallway as well. I pulled the door open and walked in, not bothering to close the door once I'd passed through it.

I washed my hands and face, then stood staring at my own reflection in the mirror for a few minutes. I could see it. Maybe because I was searching for it, but it was definitely there.

That look of guilt in my eyes.

I could usually conceal it around other people, but since I had forced myself to all but go back in time, everything I felt that day was resurfacing. It was getting harder and harder to hold everything back, but it's not like I could go to anyone. It was my problem because it was my fault.

I let my sister kill herself.

I dried my hands and face then and exited the bathroom through the door that would take me into the hallway, once again leaving the door open. All of the doors in the house squealed when you opened them, so I had a tendency to leave them open all the time. My mother usually was the one who closed them.

Descending the stairs, I heard whispering in the kitchen. I stopped on the bottom stair and listened through the wall.

"...he gets depressed when he talks about it and he'll usually hide out somewhere for a while, rarely eating or sleeping." It was my mother, and I could already tell that I was the topic of the conversation.

"Is he alright?" Hinamori. It seemed that she hadn't left yet.

"No. Physically, he's under weight and short for his age. Mentally, it's another story altogether."

I closed my eyes. Don't say it. Just end the conversation there.

Hinamori hesitated, and the squeak of the floor told me that she stood up from the table. "I'm sure it's something that I don't need to know."

Yes Hinamori, you're on the right track. Now stay on it and go home.

"Even so, I would feel more at ease if at least one of his friends knew what was going on."

Shit.

My mother took a deep breath before continuing. "He suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He believes that his father has never touched a bottle of sake in his entire life and that I'm still healthy. That seemed alright in the beginning because it was the only way he could cope with Natsume's death. But then a year went by and he still was acting like that. No matter how much time goes by, it doesn't even dim, and we've run out of options to the point where we're just playing along."

I started to feel sick.

"Isn't there anything else you can do?"

I stepped off the step and walked in the direction opposite the kitchen, then into the living room, through the study and passed through the archway to the dining room. The house was a basic square and one more right turn would put me in the kitchen.

But that wasn't where I was headed.

"...therapy, everything. Nothing has been the least bit effective." My mother's voice was laced with emotion and she sounded close to tears. "We're just so worried about him."

I stepped up to the back door, turned the handle and slipped out into the cool night air. I closed the door behind me, probably louder than I should have but it didn't bother me. My mother would've known I was gone sooner or later, so I was just directly letting her know. But I knew the kind of person Hinamori was, and I figured she'd be chasing after me before too long, so I started to run. Nearly slipping and falling off of the porch, I caught myself and kept going. Where I was headed, I wasn't sure, but I felt that I just had to keep going.

I don't know how long I ran for. All I know is that I continued to wander aimlessly until I found myself in a park. I looked around, didn't see anyone and dropped down with my back against a tree trunk, closing my eyes at the same time. I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.

How nice that would be.

Someone approached, but I pretended not to notice, only sustained the idea that I was deep in thought.

"Hitsugaya-kun." It was Hinamori, and she sounded like she was out of breath.

She must've run the whole way here as well. I thought while opening one eye to acknowledge her presence.

"Why did you run away?"

"...I don't know." I shut my eye again, hinting that I wanted the conversation to end there.

"Yes you do. Talk to me."

I stayed silent, much to her disliking.

"Please, Hitsugaya-kun?"

"I don't want to." I stated firmly.

"C'mon. There's a café across the street. We can talk in there because we're going to get soaked out here."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"We'll get sick if we stay out here in the cold rain."

"Nothing is holding you here. You can go if you desire it so badly."

"What's holding you here, then?"

I remained silent. She was reminding me of a therapist, which may be the only reason I closed myself off to her during that conversation.

"If you don't start talking soon, I'm going to call Rangiku-san over here and have her knock some sense into you."

"I don't care."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not going to change anything."

"Nothing's going to change if you don't let anyone help you."

"I'm well aware of that."

"Then why do you keep doing this?"

"...I don't know what you're talking about."

"Do you know how frustrating you are?"

"Quite well, actually." I smirked. My eyes still remained unopened, but I could just imagine the angry expression on her face.

"So you're not going to start talking yet?"

The smirk fell away. "Not a chance."

Before I knew what was going on, there suddenly was a pressure on my lips. When I opened my eyes, I was shocked to find that the pressure I felt was actually Hinamori's lips on mine. She pulled back as soon as she saw that my eyes were open. Her cheeks were red from blushing, and my own face felt hotter than ever.

"Wh-what the hell did you do that for?" I demanded. I hadn't even realized when she sat down, and the fact that she had gotten so close to me without my knowing unnerved me.

She seemed to be embarrassed. "I-I thought you m-might open up a bit if I showed some affection." I must've looked puzzled, because she added on a clarification. "It always works in the movies."

A long, awkward silence followed. Hinamori looked like she was mentally beating herself up over her actions and I was still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. Our red faces didn't waver a bit as we avoided each other's gaze.

I felt like a jerk now. If I hadn't been imagining her as a therapist, if I'd just seen her as a concerned friend, neither of us would be in this awkward spot. But the truth is that I really didn't even know where I could start. The situation was complicated, not to mention jumbled up in my head. If I could hardly make sense of it, then how was I supposed to explain it to someone else?

After another minute, I decided I would at least reveal the main reason I'd left. That was what Hinamori wanted, anyway. "My parents are mad at me."

Hinamori looked up, shocked at my sudden response. "Why would they be mad at you?"

"Because I just can't forget Nee-chan's death. Not that they want me to completely forget it, but at least they want me to be able to move forward again. There is a number of words that can set me off, so when they try to make me 'better' with therapists and shit like that, it makes me want to go back to the times where nothing was wrong."

"In other words, they got the opposite result of what they wanted?"

"You could say that."

"I'm sure that your parents are just trying to look out for you. Most parents only want the best for their children."

"Yeah, I know that." I paused. "I know that all too well."

"Do you want to go back home now?"

"No, not yet."

"How about the café?"

"Not really."

"We're still getting soaked, you know."

"It's raining?" I held my hand out and looked up. It was indeed raining, but it was more like pouring.

"It has been."

"I didn't notice."

"Is there anywhere you want to go?"

"Is time travel possible?"

"No."

"Then there's your answer. Besides, the rain isn't bothering me." Actually, it was doing quite the opposite. The rain can do wonders for those who are not feeling quite up to par.

Hinamori sat with me in silence for a while before she suddenly sneezed.

"Go home already. You're going to get really sick if you stay out here for much longer, and I'm sure your father will be worried about you."

The expression on her face was odd, then it morphed into one that was more filled with concern for me. "But what about you?"

"I'll be fine." She didn't look convinced. "Alright, I'll go home when I'm feeling up to it."

"When is that going to be?"

"I don't know. Possibly before midnight."

"Possibly?"

"I want some time alone to think about some things."

"I see. Well I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow." I hadn't meant what I said as a stab at her, but I realized that she might have taken it as one.

I nodded, but I wasn't even sure that I would be attending school the next day. When that mood arose, I had a tendency to just wander around and skip school. That was the last place I wanted to be.

Rather, the second-to-last place. Last was my own house.

After a bit of hesitation on her part, Hinamori stood up, waved a good-bye and left. I don't know if I felt relieved or saddened that she had left, but I drowned whatever it was and closed my eyes, only to have an image of my sister's ever-grinning face greet me.

That grinning face that used to soothe all of my troubles, but now only brought painful memories with it.

My eyes snapped open. Not now. Not now. Not now.

Lightning made me wince but I tried to keep watching the lightning to suffocate my thoughts. The less I thought, the less pain there was going to be. I had done this many times before, and before I knew it, I was running.

The dream from that morning was there again.

Nothing had changed, and I couldn't hear or see any better than then, either. The sequence of events fell the same, my emotions were identical and the conversation seemed to be the same.

A flash of silver followed by fear. Red took over my vision and I was awakened, gasping for air once again. I noticed after a moment that the thunder and lightning had ceased, but the rain still pounded on, albeit not quite as bad as before.

Pulling myself up, I stretched a bit and looked around. Everything was dark and I didn't see anyone around, but that was probably to be expected. Normal people didn't sleep in the park, proving the idea that I'm not exactly normal.

I decided that I might as well go home and get some things that I would need. I wasn't sure if I'd be staying or not, but I had to get a change of clothes either way. I couldn't keep running around in the same outfit.

Since I had run so blindly to the park, I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to get home. The city was the largest I'd ever lived in, and all of the important buildings were scattered, so it wasn't like I could find one and know where I was. I had to find the main street before I could even think of going home.

If it had been daylight, I would've just looked for Hinamori's mansion and gone from there, but it was dark, foggy and raining. I was lucky enough if I could see across the street I was standing on.

A while and a number of wrong turns later, I was staring up at my house once more. Despite its light tan clapboard and slightly darker coloured roof, it almost seemed darker and creepier that night. Maybe I was just trying to find a reason not to go in, but I would have surely regretted it later on.

A deep sigh and I was walking up those three or four steps that led to the porch, the glass door standing just beyond that. As soon as I looked at the door, I realized a stupid thing I had forgotten to plan for.

It was locked. The front door was locked.

I tried it just to be certain, and it was surely not going to open. I couldn't get in that way. I glared at the door for a few minutes, as if doing so would force it to unlock itself. When that failed, I snuck around the house to the back door. My mother would sometimes leave it unlocked if I was away for the night (or if I ran away), so that was my only legal option left.

To my pleasant surprise, I found the door unlocked, so I quietly slipped in.

The house was as quiet as it should've been for two in the morning, and once I was in, I stepped out of my shoes, peeled off my socks and rolled up the bottoms of my pants so as not to drip too much water onto the floor.

Gliding through the dining room, I entered the kitchen and was about to pass the table in there when I noticed a piece of paper lying on top of it. Approaching it, I recognised my mother's handwriting and then saw that it was for me.

I mentally noted that my hands were still wet and ended up reading the letter from where I stood.

'Toushiro,

'I'm not sure how much of that conversation you overheard, but you must believe me when I say that it wasn't meant to make you upset. Your friend seemed to be genuinely concerned for you, and I figured that if you trusted her enough to reveal what happened on that day, it wouldn't hurt for her to be made aware of the entire situation.

'I don't know what time you're coming home, or if you're going to be leaving again, but please take care of yourself. It is difficult for a mother to entrust such a responsibility onto her child, especially since it should be her own role, but after all that has happened, I trust that you are more than capable of keeping yourself alive.

'Please be safe,

'Mum.'

I read over it twice more, then turned away from it and resumed my initial mission for clothing.

In absolute silence, I climbed the stairs two-by-two and reached the top in under thirty seconds. My door was closed, but then I recalled leaving both doors to 'my' bathroom open. I crept down the hall, past my parent's bedroom door, through the bathroom and ended in my room.

Looking around, I saw that everything was as I had left it in the afternoon, but I knew that it didn't mean that no one had been in there since I'd left.

Without wasting another moment, I grabbed my backpack from where I tossed it on a chair, opened it up and threw in numerous things. Some clothing from my dresser, my wallet, my house key and various other items that I felt I might want later. Of course, nothing I took was sitting out in the open, because I never knew what my parents would notice was out of place. (Although, I would find out later that my book bag gave my return away. I still don't know why it never dawned on me that it was in plain sight.)

Once I decided that I had enough to last me a few days, I closed the zipper of my backpack, slung it over my shoulder and retraced my steps to the back door, ignoring the paper in the kitchen. I pulled my shoes and socks back on, noting that they had gotten quite cold from the last time I'd had them on.

Minutes later, I was back on the street. At first, I didn't know where to go, but I quickly came to the conclusion of going back to the park. It was still a new town for me, and I didn't know of anywhere else I could go. The thought of going to Hinamori's had come up in my head, but I didn't want to disturb her.

I'd bothered her with enough of my problems for the day (Not to mention we both probably still felt a little off about what happened earlier. I surely did).

The trip back to the park was almost as it had been the first time, only I wasn't running as fast as then. I wasn't paying attention to anything, but I don't even recall what I was thinking about to have gotten so lost in thought.

Perhaps I didn't think of anything.

Despite the fact that there was a decent amount of trees in the park, I managed to sit myself back down under the same tree I had left only about an hour earlier. I set my book bag to one side of myself, leaned back against the tree trunk and closed my eyes.

The rain had all but ceased, and, other than that drizzle, the only thing that served as a reminder of the violent storm was a somewhat gentle breeze passing through the trees.

It really felt nice.

Lying there, appearing to anyone who might see me as someone without a care in the world felt great. If only that could've been true, but I couldn't have been more opposite of 'great'.

My head was swarming with the day's events, and while I wanted nothing more than to just sleep them away, it was impossible. Whenever I tried to think of something to put me to sleep, I could only see Natsume-neechan. It wasn't the same face that I saw when I was trying to sleep earlier, although that grin of hers would have been more appreciated at this point. She was still smiling, but it was a hollow smile, because it was the smile on her face when she died.

The lifeless face of hers that had haunted my dreams for years had only recently (meaning just a few months) subsided from them, and now it was beginning to resurface. Normally, I might just pretend I didn't know the reason for my sister's 'return', but it was just too obvious to ignore.

Hinamori.

It wasn't her fault that she was the reason, and I'm not so sure it was my revealing my past that did it either. Actually, it was more likely because of Hinamori herself. It wasn't anything she could help, seeing as the problem was her personality.

It was just like Nee-chan's.

But maybe I'd known that from the moment I'd met Hinamori. Maybe I saw Nee-chan in her from the start and I've been hanging around her in an effort to replace Natsume-neechan. Maybe I was just pretending in my head that Hinamori really was Natsume-neechan, and she was just staying with another family for a little while; that she would return home soon.

It wouldn't surprise me if that was the reason my mother talked to her so freely. My mother could see it just as easily as I could, and she also may have had the same ideas in her head that I had mused over.

Hinamori and Natsume-neechan were just about identical.

Although Nee-chan never would've kissed me on the lips.

That thought entertained my sleep-deprived mind for a while before I finally drifted off to sleep.

This got delayed quite a bit due to laziness, distractions, other stuff, and I just didn't know where to go with it. Not where...more like how to get where I wanted to go. I have only basic plot points and conversations planned out ahead of time, so if there is a big jump from one to another, it might take me a while to fill it in.

On a chapter-relevant note, you guys weren't supposed to get the romance this early. It wasn't supposed to show up until chapter six, but some sleep-deprivation induced writing made me put it in here. (Should I apologize?) I think I like it here better than where it was planned, surprisingly. But the other place was more symbolic, for secret reasons.

Review and tell me if this chapter suits your tastes!

See you next time!