Chapter 4:

I was finishing the dishes as Jacob shut the door behind Claire, Quil and Embry. Jacob came up behind me and hugged me from behind. He whispered in my ear "I really missed you today."

I smiled putting the last dish down and turned "I missed you too. Claire and I talked about a lot of tough things today."

He nodded "I could tell. Are you ok?" I looked at him "it was really hard for me to talk about him, but I think I will be ok." He smiled at me and kissed me "I love you"

I smiled and kissed him back "I love you too." He smiled and started to put away the leftover food. I poured myself a little wine, a new habit of mine since the baby died, and sat on the counter. "So what did Sam want today?" I took a sip.

"Nothing really, he just waned to see where my head is and talk about pack stuff." He smiled at me. "Oh… so where is your head?" I looked at him as I drank my wine.

He turned and looked at me "well I mean it's been hard but I've been getting through it ok. I mean I love our son and I always will but I mean when its time we will try again." I nodded a bit "and when do you think you will want to try again?"

Jake looked at me "when ever you and me feel that its right. When we get passed our sons death." I nodded again thinking to myself "is it wrong that I kind of want to try now… yes it is. I don't want Jake to feel like I want to replace our son. That would and never could happen but I still want to be a mom. I'm ready to be a mom."

Jake walked up and stood in front of me "what are you thinking about?" I shook my head "never mind it's stupid…" He looked at me "nothing you think is stupid. Please tell me."

I looked up at him and sighed. I put my hand on his face and showed him my thoughts and what me and Claire had talked about today. When I finished showing him I looked down ashamed of myself for thinking that. I couldn't look at him. I felt so terrible. My son just passed away and I already want another baby.

I got off the counter and pushed passed him. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the side of the tub and held my face in my hands. I cried hard. I heard Jake come down the hallway and try to open the door.

"Nessie…" he knocked on the door, "please open the door." He knocked again. "Love… please…I we need to talk."

I cried more as I got up and unlocked the door. I turned away so he couldn't see my face as I cried. Jake put his hand on my shoulder "love… look at me please."

I turned slowly and faced him. Jake took my face and in his hands and kissed me hard. The whole thing took my by surprise. I slowly began to kiss him back.

Jake pulled away a bit and smiled slightly "I understand love. I understand how you feel. I feel the same way about every thing." I looked up at him "Really?"

He nodded "Yes. I want to try and have another baby now, but it does feel wrong to think that right now." I looked down "I know I feel like the worse person in the world."

Jake lifted my chin up to look at him "but your not. Like you said we could never replace him. And that's not what we are trying to do. We are trying to get passed everything." I nodded slowly. He looked at me "But I do feel like trying to have a baby right now is wrong."

I turned and sat down "I know it is. But I can't help wanting to. "I sighed "what are we going to do Jake?"

He walked over and sat next to me "we won't try. We will live. If it happens now it happens but not because we are trying to have one. Ok?"

I looked at him "but it's still like we are trying." He sighed "I know…"

We sat there for a minute both thinking about it all. I turned and looked at him. I turned his head and kissed him deeply. Jake pulled back slightly "what was that?" I smiled "living like you said too."

He smiled at me and kissed me deeply. Slowly we picked up from where we left off this morning. Jake picked me up and brought me to the bed room and laid me down.

After that everything is a blur. I felt like I was on cloud nine. I felt like nothing had happened to us a few weeks ago even though I knew it had. But being with Jake was the one thing in my life that was right. Being in jakes arms that night after we made love was the best night I had ever had.

And I hoped it wouldn't be the last.