Shadow of Eternity

I saw Eternity the other night,

Like a great ring of pure and endless light,

All calm, as it was bright;

And round beneath it, Time in hours, days, years

Driv'n by the spheres

Like a vast shadow mov'd; in which the world

And all her train were hurl'd.

— The World by Henry Vaughan

~.~.~.~.~.~

The Council... ungrateful taskmasters. It was bad enough that they failed to accept the facts that were so plainly laid out before them, but it was worse that they were treating her as if she was in a probationary period. It was true that, with Nihlus' untimely death, they hadn't had much opportunity to evaluate her performance. But couldn't they be a bit more discreet about their intentions? Sparatus was clearly trying to get her riled up, chastising her over the loss of the ruin, testing to see how well she would handle criticism. And Tevos, Tevos was playing the good cop to Sparatus' bad. Shepard decided that she wasn't about to fall for any of it. She wouldn't let them bait her into a confrontation, give them an excuse to revoke her Spectre status or reassign her. The Council might not be taking Saren's Reapers seriously, but she did. They could continue to probe her all they liked, so long as they let her chase after Saren.

Brooding over the rather paternal attitude the Council had assumed in regard to their newest Spectre, she made her way down the stairs from the CIC to the crewdeck, and catching Kaidan exiting the medbay, flagged him down, beckoning him over to her.

"How's our young scientist doing?" she asked him as he approached.

"Ha, I think she's older than both of us put together," he joked. "But Dr. Chakwas thinks she's going to be fine, a little dehydrated is all. She was in that bubble for a few days."

"You seem to have taken a special concern for her," Shepard noted.

"Ma'am?"

"You have a thing for asari, Lieutenant?" she asked, playfully.

"Ah, no, ma'am!" Kaidan declared adamantly, shaking his head for emphasis. And then, as if finding himself embarrassed at the over-enthusiasm of his reaction, he went on, "I mean, it's not that I don't think they're attractive and all. But it's not like that. I'm not interested in her. I mean she's pretty and all... but I'm not like that..."

"Not like that..." Shepard repeated coyly.

"That's not how I meant it." He began absentmindedly rubbing the back of his neck. "I mean, it's not that I don't like girls... I do. But I go for more of the... well, athletic type, if you know what I mean."

Shepard smiled and laughed. "Relax, Lieutenant, I was only teasing you."

"Ah... I see, Commander," he said, relieved. "I have to say, you run one the most informal operations I've ever been a part of."

"This isn't an Alliance operation anymore, and I have no problem with my crew getting a little informal. So long as they know to respect the chain of command," she said, crossing her arms and tilting her head to one side as she smiled at him.

"No question there, ma'am. Tell me, do you... make it a habit of teasing all of the crew, or just me?" he asked.

"I don't know. I haven't had the privilege of commanding as a Spectre before... We'll just have to see if I end up teasing the rest of the crew... or if I reserve that for you." Her friendly smile turned into a crooked grin.

"That will be interesting to see," he agreed, smiling back at her as he walked off.

That he liked her was obvious, but she was still trying to decide if she really liked him. He was definitely cute; he had that much going for him. But he came off as the serious commitment type. She had gone twenty-nine years without much in the way of serious commitment, and she wasn't about to start now, not while Saren was out there, threatening the galaxy. Still, twenty-nine was really the right age to start looking for something more serious, wasn't it? Maybe after all of this is over, she thought as she stepped into the medbay. And if we can catch him, she corrected herself.

Liara was sitting on the edge of the examination table nursing a bottle of Sirta Foundation's infamously disgusting nutrient juice with a sour look on her face, while Dr. Chakwas was busy typing away at her computer.

"How's our patient?" Shepard asked, walking over to Dr. Chakwas.

"She should be fine," Dr. Chakwas said, swinging around in her chair to face Shepard. "She just needs some rest and fluids, as well as a good meal or two."

"Can she answer a few questions?" Shepard asked.

"Thinking about conducting an interrogation, Commander?" Dr. Chakwas said, shaking her head in disapproval. "She can answer a few questions, but nothing too stressful."

"I am quite fine, Doctor," Liara added from across the room.

"I make that determination here," Dr. Chakwas replied. "You need to get some rest... and finish that nutrimental juice."

Liara scowled and went back to slurping the disgusting thick liquid.

"So, nothing stressful... got it," Shepard said to Dr. Chakwas.

"She's dehydrated, undernourished, and tired," Dr. Chakwas stressed. "Now that's nothing life threatening, but I don't want to hear that my patient almost passed out again because a certain Spectre couldn't wait a day or two to question her."

"This is important, Doc," Shepard said, her tone becoming more respectful. "But you have my word; I won't stress her out, scout's honor."

Dr. Chakwas rolled her eyes at the "scout's honor" bit. "I can see I'm not going to dissuade you," she said, the tone of her voice admitting a reluctant defeat. "But I mean it. Go easy on her."

Shepard nodded silently before turning around.

"Dr. T'Soni," Shepard began, walking over to the door on the far side of room. "We don't have many places on this ship that are more private and more on-hand than the medbay's supply room. If you'll follow me."

Liara hopped off of the examination table and headed toward the door at the back of the medbay where Shepard was standing.

"Ah, ah, ah," Dr. Chakwas admonished from across the room. "Take that juice with you."

Liara returned to the table and retrieved the bottle.

"And you better have finished it by the time you two are done in there," Dr. Chakwas admonished as the two women disappeared into the supply room.

Liara seated herself at the small desk that was tucked into the corner of the room. "So, how does this begin?" she asked, looking up at the human Spectre.

"Well, I'm interested to hear what you know about the Conduit for starters," Shepard offered, leaning up against the wall.

"I know very little, I'm afraid. A few scraps of painstakingly recovered data from a Prothean archive unearthed several centuries ago referred to a Conduit, along with some fragments about the extinction of the empire, but speculation as to what the Conduit is runs wild with little evidence to ground such speculations in objective fact."

"So nobody has any idea what this Conduit is?" Shepard asked.

"I am afraid not. It is a topic so obscure that very few Prothean researchers know of it at all. I only know of it because my area of expertise is the Prothean extinction."

Changing topics, Shepard asked, "does the name Saren Arterius mean anything to you?"

"Saren..." the asari became thoughtful. "No, I do not... wait... he is one of your Spectres, is he not?"

"Think hard, Doctor. Do you remember your mother ever mentioning him?"

"I am afraid not," she replied, and after a pause she added, "Spectre, you still have not told me what has become of my mother. What little you have told me has me quite worried for her."

"We'll come to that shortly," Shepard assured her. "One more. Does the word Reaper mean anything to you?"

"It is another one of the words often associate with the Conduit in the data fragments."

"That's all you know about it?" Shepard asked exasperated.

"I am afraid that is all anybody knows about it, in truth. Other words of interests include references to a Crucible, and a Project Vengeance and Project Phoenix. Other than the fact that these were items of great interest to the Protheans in their final years, nothing else is known about them."

"Those other words don't mean anything to me." Shepard sighed. "It seems like this has been a waste of time then."

She rubbed the side of her temples and gazed down at the deck plating.

"I do not consider you saving my life to be a waste of time," Liara declared.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way," Shepard apologized, looking up at her. "It's just that there's some big issues at stake here." Shepard returned her gaze to the floor and seemed to lose herself in intense thought.

After an uncomfortable pause Liara mustered the courage to speak. "Spectre," she began tentatively. "If you have accessed a working beacon, then it is your duty to share what you have learned with the greater scientific community."

"It's not that simple," Shepard said dismissively. "The vision is... confusing. The beacon was damaged, and it was destroyed while it was... interfacing with me."

"All the more reason to share the information," Liara said. "You may be the only individual alive who has accessed a working beacon."

Shepard shrugged. "Like I said, before, I can hardly understand it myself."

"Perhaps I could help you to make sense of it," Liara offered.

"What do you mean?"

"I could join my consciousness to yours. My knowledge of the Protheans may help you to make sense of it. And I would be very interested in seeing an actual Prothean transmission, even if I can't help."

"I'm not sure that I trust you enough to allow you into my mind," Shepard stated bluntly.

"I would not have to go very deep," Liara clarified "I can restrict the meld to little more than what you choose to show me. You could disengage at any time if you are uncomfortable with something I am doing. If you want, we can have a monitor present with us during the meld."

What Dr. T'Soni was telling her made sense. That is, it accorded with everything that she had read in the Alliance's literature about asari melding. An asari couldn't really overpower another person's mind with her own, at least, not if that person was physically stronger than the asari. There would be a chance to break away before the meld could reach that state. Cases of what was colloquially referred to as "mind rape" were very rare, and almost always included physical restraint of the victim. Nevertheless, Shepard had to admit that, on some level, she shared a few of the standard fears about "asari mind control" that her rational mind knew were baseless rumors.

"I don't know," Shepard said. "I've always considered what's up here to be... well... private."

"I understand if you are unwilling to share your mind with me, many non-asari are hesitant to participate in a meld, though it is not an uncommon practice among my kind. But consider the importance of the information trapped inside your mind," Liara argued. "If you were to die on one of your missions, that knowledge would die with you."

"It may be more important than mere historical interest," Shepard said. "That Spectre I mentioned earlier, Saren, he's working for the race that wiped out the Protheans."

Liara jumped from her chair. "What? And you have evidence of this race?"

"Most of the evidence is up here," Shepard said, pointing to her head.

"Spectre, this is... I cannot... I must see this vision! Please!" She pleaded. "This is the culmination of my life's work; decades of research could be vindicated by what you have seen."

"Do you really think that you can make anymore sense of the vision than I can?" Shepard asked hopefully.

"I cannot say, but if it is as important as you claim, then is it not worth the effort of trying?" Liara reasoned, seeming flabbergasted at the human's reticence.

The truth was, she was out of leads. Dr. T'Soni was the only connection to Saren that the Council had provided her with, and she had turned out to be no connection at all. But perhaps she might be useful anyway. The Council might not be inclined to take her visions of the Reapers seriously, but Dr. T'Soni was. The Doctor had deduced that such a race must exist from her own research, and she was used to having others dismiss her work.

"You're right," Shepard declared, putting her irrational fears behind her. This whole thing made her nervous as hell. Despite her rational mind telling her that there was nothing to fear, the idea of having this stranger in her mind, even in a limited capacity was just... weird. The Doctor seemed harmless enough, that is, if Ash wasn't right, if she wasn't faking it in some manner. There's nothing to worry about, she reminded herself. You can break away at any time. Fuck, this was scary. Been in countless warzones... what's this one little asari, anyway? she thought to herself, psyching herself up. Why should this stupid little circus trick that asari can do bother me?

"Do you wish to bring Dr. Chakwas in to monitor?" Liara asked, apparently reading the unsteadiness of Shepard's face.

"Hell no." Shepard let out a nervous laugh. "There's no way she'd let you try this until at least tomorrow. But I want to get started now," Shepard declared, projecting more confidence than she really had.

"Then I am ready to begin, whenever you are," Liara stated.

Shepard swallowed her fear and nodded her consent to Liara. Liara stepped forward and put her hand to the side of Shepard's head, cupping it gently.

"Relax, Commander. Reach out and touch the threads that bind us, one to another. Let go of your physical shell, ever-shifting, ever-changing, a trapping that shackles you to the flow of time. Let go of time. Embrace eternity!"

Confusion. Vertigo. White light. Blinding white light. No sense of time. How long had she been here? It seemed like it could have been any duration of time, as if her internal clock was in the off position. Seconds, years, without her internal sense of time, her understanding of duration was utterly gone, any guess seemed as good as another. Then, something temporal finally happened, an event. It still wasn't enough to displace the feeling that she was outside of time, but she could at least say that there was a before and an after. A before the other presence, alien and feminine became known to her and an after.

Relax, Commander. We are still in the supply room. Shepard realized that she did, in fact, have a physical body, that it was located somewhere in time and space. She was still in the supply room... sort of. And she also realized that she was NOT relaxed. Relax. Relax, Commander, please. It is hard to hold this state if you fight like that. As soon as her focus shifted back to the presence she lost all track of the room and time. The presence seemed to grow more intense. I need you to calm down. Here, feel me, I am calm. A wave of feelings washed over her, excitement, curiosity, concern, and finally, weariness, and exhaustion. But these were not her own feelings, were they? It was becoming hard to tell, and suddenly, for a brief instant, she felt as if she knew exactly what it was like to be Liara T'Soni.

Gestalt: {Concern. Mother, where are you, are you alright? Excitement. A vision from a beacon! Trepidation. Is she calming down? She doesn't trust. Must be gentle with her. Confusion. This is Liara? This me hearing myself in Liara? Embarrassment. Oh, Goddess, I've gone to far!}

This lasted for only the briefest of moments before Liara's mind went reeling away, leaving only the emotions that she had been feeling just moments before, embarrassment now very prominent among them.

Sorry! I am so sorry. I will try to keep that in check. Liara spoke in her mind. It is difficult to restrict the meld so severely.

The last of Liara's feelings drifted away too, leaving Shepard feeling alone, almost lesser. But she was much more calmed. In that brief instant when she had seen Liara in almost her entirety it had become crystal clear to her that Liara was a trustworthy individual.

Now, try to show me your vision of the beacon, Liara prompted.

How? Shepard asked, confused.

I can't really say, just try to recall it as best you can. Bring it to the forefront of your mind. I will do the rest.

The beacon's vision came crashing back to her, confusion, terror, nausea, and the clear feeling that somebody was speaking, that this was a structured language, not merely a haphazard cognitive jumble. But she couldn't understand the words. No, words was the wrong word... more like ideas, direct thoughts. But the thoughts were bizarrely shaped, as if distorted, foreign, like crystals of impossible geometry. It was as if she was some junky in the throes of a bad trip, her drug addled mind incapable of making sense of concepts that she had once taken for granted. The emotions underneath the thoughts were comprehensible, but the intellectual content was confused, alien. As if some extra-dimensional entity that didn't share the same sorts of abstract concepts that she took for granted, like space and time and number, was trying to have a conversation with her. And then there was the dizzying moments when the floor seemed to fall out from underneath her, the parts where something was missing from the message, and emptiness and silence rushed in all at once, instantly filling her mind with emptiness where there had been a cacophony of confusion just moments before.

"Remarkable!" Liara declared when it was over, gently easing her mind away from Shepard's.

"That was... it was like you replayed it with such accuracy. And it seemed different somehow. I think it made more sense!" Shepard exclaimed enthusiastically.

Liara sank back down into her chair, clutching her head.

"Um, are you alright?" Shepard asked.

Liara was grasping the sides of her head, a pained look on her face.

"I am fine, just... inexperienced at this. But, yes, when our minds are linked each of our personal experiences of the vision will color the other's. That is no doubt why it felt different. You understood the vision as well as I did... and I as well as you, for that mater."

"You don't look fine," Shepard said. "Dr. Chakwas is gonna to kill me."

"It is difficult to keep the meld contained to only a single memory, no feelings or sensory impressions or other thoughts. Many asari have become quite masterful at it, but I have little practice; it strains me."

"Maybe you should drink some more of that juice," Shepard suggested.

Liara fumbled for the juice bottle on the desk and after finding it, forced the rest of the liquid down her throat in several large gulps.

"I think that we should do that again, if you're up for it." Shepard said. "When you've had some time to recover that is."

"I look forward to it," Liara said, still clutching her head. "It was the most fascinating thing I have seen in... well... ever."

"Is this going to happen to you every time?" Shepard asked with concern.

"If we restrict the meld to nothing but the vision, then probably, yes."

"So what are the other options then?" Shepard asked tentatively.

"The more we share, the less stressful it is. As I am sure you are aware, the ability originally evolved as part of our mating practices. We asari do not exchange genetic material like most other species. Instead, our nervous systems intertwine with one another. But you were not asking for a biology lesson. The important point is that we still find that opening ourselves up fully to a partner comes completely naturally. It takes more training to... narrow... the scope of the meld. There is a full spectrum of melding, from the most restrictive, as we just experienced, to the most open, usually employed only among lovers. "

"Are you suggesting that we..."

"What? No!" Liara shook her head, and then winced as her migraine and nausea returned full force. "I was merely suggesting that..."

"Relax," Shepard chuckled. "I'm just kidding. I'm straight anyway."

"Straight... yes... I am aware of the existence of such sexual preferences in most species, but they have little meaning to asari."

"Yeah, I guess having one gender would tend to do that, wouldn't it?" Shepard said, feeling slightly guilty for having teased the asari. With the experience of Liara's mind still fresh in her brain, the idea of teasing this socially inept archaeologist who seemed to have little grasp of human humor, seemed a lot less appealing than it had before.

"So what sorts of things would we be sharing if we tried this again... 'less restrictive?'" She asked Liara.

"It would ease my burden considerably if we shared emotions and sensory experiences, these are some of the hardest things to repress." She paused for a moment and then became very serious. "Shepard, it is important to me that you understand that this is not in anyway sexual. I am aware of the rumor of asari promiscuity, and I can assure you that it is quite baseless. We asari choose our partners with great care. For us, a partner is someone who we share the deepest parts of ourselves with."

"I'm sorry, I was only joking earlier... honest. Like I said, I'm straight anyway," Shepard assured her.

"And I am not precisely a woman either," Liara came back.

"Close enough," Shepard chuckled. "But I'll be sure to let Kaidan know that." She smiled warmly at Liara.

"I... I do not understand."

"It's nothing," Shepard said, dismissively waving her hand, trying to make Liara feel more at ease.

"I am ready to try this again, if you are," Liara said, standing up.

She still looked a little green, but Shepard nodded her approval anyway.

"You will feel some of my emotions, perhaps think some of my thoughts as if they were your own. You will feel as if you are standing in my body. And the same will be true for me of course... I suggest that you do not focus on that fact. The experience of me experiencing you experiencing me, ad infinitum, can be... disorienting to beginners."

"I'm actually still a little nervous about this," Shepard confessed.

"So am I, Commander." Liara smiled nervously back at her.

"Honestly, I glimpsed your mind in its entirety for a brief moment back there."

"Yes, that was... quite unfortunate," Liara said, blushing. "I will ensure that it does not happen again."

"Maybe it was a happy accident," Shepard offered. "I feel like I can trust you with this after seeing you for who you really are."

"I am... pleased... that you feel that way." She smiled warmly.

Still nervous about sharing thoughts and feelings with Liara, even after glimpsing her mind, Shepard reached down into her reserves and willed herself to calmness, so that Liara wouldn't have to spend her energy trying to relax her again.

"Now, relax, Shepard," Liara spoke, cupping her hand gently to Shepard's face. "Look into my eyes. Embrace eternity!"

~.~.~.~.~.~

"That was quite a long interrogation session, Commander. I hope you didn't scare the wits out of her," Dr. Chakwas said when Shepard finally emerged from the back room.

"She is fine, Doctor. Incidentally, she will be lodging in the supply closet for the indefinite future," Shepard said.

Dr. Chakwas gave her a confused look. "In the supply closet?" She asked in disbelief.

"She prefers solitude, and the supply closet is quiet and out of the way. I could use a fresh change of clothes though."

"You could? Well, I'm sure you have plenty in your quarters." She crossed her arms and stared at the Commander.

"Sorry, slip of the tongue. I meant that Liara could use some clean clothes. Do you have any spare medical tunics?"

"They're back there in my... her closet," Dr. Chakwas stated, giving Shepard a perfunctory medical examination with her eyes.

"Thank you, Doctor. I would be most appreciative if you would direct her to them."

"Very well, Commander," Dr. Chakwas said finding herself almost speechless.

When Shepard had left the medbay the doctor mumbled to herself, "keep that up, Commander, and you'll be on your way to an early psych evaluation. And I know how much you love those."

She shook her head in astonishment again, and made for the supply closet to check in on her newest patient.

~.~.~.~.~.~

After her shower, Shepard seated herself at her desk and began typing in her journal. The daily ritual had started as an exercise forced on her by the psychologist that the Alliance had dumped on her after Mindoir. She had hated it at first, but the practice had grown on her to the point where she had kept it up all these years. She didn't write much about military operations, that was reserved for reports and debriefings, the journal was for personal thoughts, feelings. She even tried to keep up with the practice of ending the journal with a short poem, as her psychologist had suggested, even though she knew nothing about poetry and never read any. She chose haiku, five, seven, five. It seemed simple enough, plus short. Keeping the journal didn't fit the stereotype of the strong and worldly woman that she cultivated. But then again, nobody had to know about it except her.

Personal Journal

Rachel Shepard

20 January 2183

Joined my mind with an asari, an incredible experience. Alliance preparation literature doesn't do it justice. How to describe it? Time itself stopped. I could feel Liara's presence, her personality. Even parts of her mind that I don't think we have words for. There is more to people than just things like intellect or emotion. I'm more aware of that now than ever. It's easy to ignore parts of your own mind. But when you see it, feel it, touch it in another, it stands out in yourself. Now I know why Armali has so many words to describe mental faculties and states.

Liara slipped up at one point during the meld and brought us closer together than I think she meant to. It was... fascinating really, even if terrifying. For a brief instant, I felt like I knew exactly what it is like to be her. At least, I think I knew what it was like to be her. It's not as if I can recall her memories or anything. The fear waned as I could sense that she was... well... not threatening I guess would be good way to describe it? Honestly, I'm glad that she's so shy and private. It will make melding with her easier. I'm not sure that I would want to meld with an outgoing person. I'm pretty used to my mind being mine. An asari extrovert might be... aggressive, too open. We agreed to continue our sessions after lunch tomorrow. I'll have to tell her about her mother then. I'm not looking forward to that.

The doctor is an interesting character, incredibly dorky, but goodhearted. I know that now. Though I didn't even know that a few hours ago. It's strange, I can't say anything specific about her life or tastes or ideas. But I feel like I know her extremely well for somebody I met only today.

At least the two of us might make some progress with my vision. It's a bit of stress reliever to make progress on at least one front.

Oh, also, It's official, Kaidan is definitely flirting with me. I'm pretty sure I'm going to pursue him, or let him pursue me.

Liara is shy

I found her in a bubble

Now I've touched her mind