Ah, dammit, still trying to find insurance that can cover a nuclear explosion...

Disclaimer: I do not own Nintendo, the NFL, Trix cereal, Sega, DDR, Die Hard With a Vengeance, Cookie Crisp, Resident Evil, Bill Nye the Science Guy, the Wizard of Oz, Monty Python, the Rocky movies, Fortunoff's, Macy's, South Park, or Jack Daniels. Damn, that's alot.

CHAPTER 3: OF BLITZING AND GLADIATORS: THEY'RE BOTH GOING TO TACKLE EACH OTHER

(or: bad analogies are fun!)

Mario and co. headed off to the local airport (yeah, there's one in Thiefplace) and jacked a blimp (well, it IS Thiefplace), driving to Blitzburg before Koops realized something.

"Uh, guys? Three things. A, since when did we know how to drive a blimp, B, since when did we know how to get to Blitzburg, and C, how do we know it's in the sky?"

"You know what, Koops?" Mario asked.

"What?"

"For A, have you ever played Super Mario Land? I mean, I ride a frickin' plane in that game. And for B and C, WE HAVE A FRICKIN' MAP!"

"Oh… well, you could have just said that."

"Arg…"

The trio drove to Blitzburg and crash-landed, as a bombardment of balloons made it impossible to see outside the windshield. Or anything at all, really.

Anyway, they crash-landed, hitting a bunch of people, one of which was named Dan.

"Hey, wait, I'm not dead!" Dan complained.

The narrator walked in.

"I never said you were dead. I said you got hit by a crash-landed blimp."

"Ooh… hard to argue with that logic." He suddenly got up and walked away, no broken ribs or anything.

Anyway (again), Mario and co. got out and headed to a huge building, because it was the only place to go, as everything was covered with football ads.

"I thought you said this was a gladiator-type place?" said Mario.

"Oh, yeah, that was Rome. Sorry, I'm not very good at history."

"Makes sense."

The group walked in the building, which looked like the NFL, with a cool holographic listings board.

Goombella ran over to it, scanning the list until she found what she wanted to find.

"Yes! Haha! The Hackers DID win! You guys owe me $20!" Goombella declared joyously.

"Oh, come on…" The others reached into their wallets stored somewhere on their bodies (noting that they have no real place for them), and pulled out a $20 bill. Anyway, they went into the stadium, and saw a bunch of people fighting each other.

"I guess this place is a gladiator-type place." Goombella said.

"Oh, wait, when I said that this was a football place I was thinking of the US." Koops remembered.

"But wasn't that destroyed by some freak demon-thing?" Goombella asked.

"No, that was America. There's a difference somewhere." Mario answered.

"Oh."

Anyway, they watched. There were some kids on one side, and a white rabbit thing on the other, holding a cereal box.

The kids suddenly went for the cereal box, saying, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"

The rabbit suddenly screamed, "No! You share!" and then snapped the kids' necks.

"Ooooooohhh…" Mario and Koops said in awe, as the kids suddenly got decapitated turning into a blood fountain.

"Oh, come on." Goombella complained, dragging the two away even though she had no arms.

"I want to join!" Mario suddenly said, and he ran to the registration counter and put his name in huge capital letters, covering the whole sheet. He showed his huge name to one of the guards, who let the party in and escorted them to the manager's office.

"What do you want?" the manager said.

"My friends and I want to join!" Mario said.

"Uh, okay, your name is…?"

"Uh, Mario."

"Hmmm… 'Uh, Mario'… doesn't sound very good. How about I call you Great Gonzalez?"

"No way, you freaking idiot!"

"God, no one ever takes that… What's your name again?"

"Mario."

"Sure, we'll use that. By the way, my name's Grubba. And I'm NOT a demented psychopath trying to stay young forever."

"Uh… okay."

Jolene came in and escorted Mario to his locker room.

"Okay, I'm gonna show you the ropes." Jolene said, pulling out a rope.

Cue rimshot.

Anyaway (yet again), Mario pushed a button on a Game Boy Advance nailed to a wall, and Grubba appeared the screen, after the GBA logo flashed by.

"Oh my god, what is that THING!" Mario shrieked in surprise.

"You get used to it." Jolene remarked.

Mario signed up for Match 1, or really match 20 (the whole system's screwed up), and was escorted to the ring, where he saw…

Match 20- 5 Goombas! Okay, it's not THAT exciting, but still.

"5 Goombas? God, honestly, is this the BEST you guys can come up with? I could frickin' LOOK at them funny and they'd die!" Mario complained.

"Hey! We're not THAT pathetic!"

To prove he's right, he looked at the Goombas with a rather odd face. They suddenly imploded, exploded, and did the hokey-pokey before spontaneously combusting.

"And Mario's the winner! Like I didn't see that coming." Grubba announced.

Match 19- A bunch of Koopas

Mario chucked Goombella at them, and they suddenly and mysteriously died from previous head trauma (caused by Mario's fat ass).

Match 18- President George W. Bush

"Hello, I'm the President of the United States. Give me money or I'll raise your taxes."

"But either way I'm just giving you more money!"

"Oh dammit, he's onto me!"

George Bush ran out in a hurry.

Match 17-Some guy off the street

"Uh, hi my name's Bill!"

Mario mugged him, got all his cash, and kicked him out of the arena.

Match 16- Hand-It-Overs (a bunch of Bandits)

"Okay guys, here's what we do: get everything you can, and hope he doesn't mug us back for it."

The bandits quickly steal things from Mario until he's just got his clothes on.

"Why you little!" Mario says, and strangles one Bandit, and then mugs the rest back for his stuff.

"Awwww…no fun…"

Match 15- Some other Game Mascot

Sonic was on one side of the ring, and Mario was on the other.

"Hey Mario! I'm tired of being second banana to a 30-something-year-old, overweight plumber! You're going DOWN!"

Sonic rushed at Mario, but he sidestepped out of the way, making Sonic hit a wall of spikes.

Locker Room

"God, I'm hungry. Let's get a hotdog." Koops said.

"Sure."

They head outside and find Hoggle, the hot dog guy, chasing an egg.

"Help! I tried to fry this egg, and now it's running away from me!"

"Hmmm, I wonder why…" Mario sarcastically pondered.

"Smooth." Koops said.

Mario suddenly realized that Hoggle was a pig, and that bacon comes from pigs. About an hour later, Mario, Goombella, Koops, and that egg were enjoying some nice bacon.

"Wait a minute, how can an egg be eating bacon? It has no mouth!" Goombella realized.

"Oh yeah…" the egg somehow said (another paradox), and vanished in a puff of logic.

"Whatever." Mario said, walking back in.

Match 14- That egg

"Uh, Goombella?"

"Yeah?"

"What the crap? I thought this egg vanished in a puff of logic!"

"I'd say quantum mechanics… I think."

5 minutes later...

"Wow, don't sunny-side ups go perfect with bacon?" Mario said.

"Yes, Mario. Yes they do." Koops replied.

Match 13- A DDR Machine… with Simon Cowell upgrades!

"Piece of cake." Mario put in 50 cents, and tried. He was doing pretty well until all the arrows came on the screen at about 3 or 4 at once. After Mario missed one arrow, a boxing glove came out of the machine, whacking him against a regular wall.

"Game over! You suck! Get the hell off my stage, you social outcast!" the DDR machine said.

"Wow, that really is a Simon Cowell upgrade." Koops remarked.

"Well, at least it's better than that whack-a-mole machine."

Flashback

Mario walks up to a whack-a-mole machine and puts in 50 cents. The moles come up one at a time holding up signs, one word each. Combined they said, "We know where you live Mario!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Mario screams, running away.

End Flashback

Koops put in 50 cents, as he wanted a try. He put the machine at hardest setting, and danced flawlessly.

"Perfect score! Perfect score! This does not compute…" The DDR machine said before spontaneously combusting.

"Show off."

Match 12- Donald Trump

"YOU'RE FIRED!"

"Actually, Trump, eventually you'll run out of head honcho positions and the whole TV series will plummet, while I'll still be going on. So, since I'll be running longer, I'll win."

Trump thought about this, and then went off to fire someone else.

Match 11- Iron Adonis Twins

"Hey, uh, Adonis guys, isn't Adonis supposed to be 'strikingly beautiful'? And, since you're so damn UGLY, you shouldn't be called Adonis, but rather more of a Medusa."

Suddenly, the Iron Adonis twins disappeared in a puff of logic, to be replaced by two handsome guys calling themselves the Iron Medusa Twins.

"Oh God no."

Mario chucked a protein bar at them, and they fought to the death over it.

Grubba's Office

"Wow Mario, you're really something, you know that? I should drain your strength or something…" Grubba said, speaking to himself on the last part.

"What was that?" Mario questioned.

"Oh! Nothing! Nothing at all… heh heh heh…"

"Uh, I'm not quite believing you…" Koops countered.

"Um, I'm gonna be giving you a raise…"

"WE BELIEVE YOU! WE BELIEVE YOU!" Mario said.

"Kay, so, Jolene will be bringing you to your new locker room."

Jolene walked in and escorted Mario out. Once entering his new locker room, his cell phone rang.

"Hello? Uh, what do you mean, seven days? …I never saw any freakin' tape! You have the wrong number!" He hung up. His cell phone suddenly rang again.

"Hello? Go to the phone booth? Why should I? … Good point. Okay, I'm going." Mario hung up again.

"Who was that?" Goombella asked.

"Oh, some guy telling me in some weird riddle to go to the phone booth, otherwise some bomb would go off."

"Isn't that kind of like Die Hard With a Vengeance?" Koops asked.

"Uh, yeah, but he didn't have an accent and "Johnny Goes Marching Home" wasn't playing."

"Whew."

The group headed to the phone booth, where the phone was ringing.

"Hello? A key? Where- oh, there it is. Go to the storage room? Where's that? … Uh huh… uh huh… okay, thanks."

"Who was that?"

"Same guy. We're going to the storage room."

They did so, and found Jolene and a guard talking outside it.

"So, you heard someone in there, but saw no one?" Jolene asked the guard.

"Uh, yeah, that's right."

"Well, you hear this: if word about what's up there reaches ANYONE, then watch your back because you're going to get stabbed through it. And, uh… we'll fire your corpse too."

Jolene walked away, with the guard behind her. Mario then walked over to the door and opened it using the key, and found a rather large bandit looking through things.

"Uh, huge bandit guy? How did the guard not see you?" Mario asked.

"He's blind. They only hired these guards to make intruders scared."

"Wow. Lame-ass security."

Mario walked upstairs and saw some corpses, and then walked back down.

Match 10- Bowser: Koopa King and Idiot Extraordinaire

Mario jumped on some two-bit axe and Bowser fell into some lava.

Match 9-That New Wolf Mascot for Cookie Crisp

"I'm gonna get my COOOOOKIE CRISP!"

"Hey, freak! You're a wolf, why not just EAT the KIDS!"

"Hey, that's a pretty good idea!"

The wolf ran off to get his cereal.

Locker Room

Mario's cell went off again.

"Hello? Oh, it's you? Do you know how much this friggin costs me? I'm freaking ROAMING right now, God… so, what now? Juice Bar? Sure."

The trio headed off to the Juice Bar, finding a guy with a stick of dynamite, who gave it to them. After blowing up a wall, they found a blank piece of paper, which Jolene decided to confiscate for some reason.

Match 8-The Trix Rabbit

"I'm off to get in some stupid disguise and try and steal a cereal box!"

Match 7- The Chainsaw Guy from Resident Evil 4

"Rargh! RAARGH!"

Suddenly Jill Valentine burst through, killing the guy with a shotgun.

Match 6- Bill Nye the Science Guy

"Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill Nye the Science Guy!"

Mario, in an effort to save humanity, threw a gag in Bill's mouth. All of the air still being jam-packed in his mouth suddenly hit that "maximum occupancy" thing, and his head exploded.

"Now there's some REAL science." Koops remarked.

Match 5- The Wicked Witch of the West

The witch started doing skywriting using a broom when it started to rain indoors somehow, and she melted.

Match 4- A Knight who says Ni

"NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI!"

Mario and Goombella started rolling across the ground, clutching their ears in pain. Koops just walked over to him and gave him a shrubbery, and the knight left.

Match 3- Some Bowser Robot

A poorly made, wooden Bowser robot (from Paper Mario 1) came in, which Mario poked. The entire thing fell.

Match 2- Rocky

The song "Gotta Fly Now" (the Rocky theme) started playing, and Rocky burst out the door. He started jogging towards the steps and tripped over them, killing himself.

"Well, that's rather ironic."

"Uh, Mario? How?"

"You know, the first movie, he was climbing up the stairs?"

"Oh yeah..."

Match 1- The Black Knight

"None shall pass." The knight said menacingly.

"Excuse me?"

"None shall pass."

Mario, having a flashback of Monty Python, replied, "I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge!"

"Then you shall die."

"I order you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!"

"I move for no man."

"So be it!"

Mario pulled out a sword from nowhere, and he and the knight started fencing until Mario cut off the guy's arm, then his other arm, and finally his legs.

Locker Room

"Hey, Mario, title match. Follow me." The guard brought Mario into a room and suddenly left, locking the door.

"Hey, what the- he locked us in!" Mario realized.

Mario looked behind him, to see that a kid with an orange hoodie was locked in there too. For no apparent reason, Koops decided to swing the kid from a conveniently placed ceiling fan, but slipped and killed him. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman suddenly ran in.

"Hey! He killed Kenny!"

"You bastard!"

Mario, Goombella, and Koops ran out while the door was open and ran into the arena, where they met Rawk Hawk.

"FEEL THE RAAAAAAAAAAWK!" He dived at Mario, who sidestepped. Rawk hit the wall, where the crystal star fell off. Mario dived for it, but Madam Flurry suddenly appeared and got it, and ran to the center of the arena, where the energy-draining thing was. Grubba was currently in it, but she shoved him aside and went in, absorbing the energy. She suddenly came out about 2 times as large as she was.

"I told you I'd get revenge, Mario! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Wow, over a stupid necklace? Go to a frickin' Fortunoff's and get one, honestly. Or even a Macy's." Mario said.

"Hmmmm…. OKAY!" Flurry said, busting through a wall. Mario grabbed the crystal star and scrammed, taking his crash-landed blimp and sailing back to Thiefplace. He went underground and did the cheesy sequence, and a Crystal Star appeared over a place labeled on the map as Creepy Steeple.

Meanwhile…

25 o'clock FM

Peach was sober, and she was watching TV. A commercial for Jack Daniels went on, and she suddenly drank one, getting drunk and passing out.

Well, that was pretty long. 10 pages on MS Word. Anyway, Dan's back! YAY! Read my Legend of Zelda parody to find out what the crap I'm talking about. :b