Hello fellows readers and writers !

French version will be updated with the fourth chapter after updating the first three chapters, so, to the French readers, I apologize for making you wait a bit longer

Here is the fourth chapter ! The fifth one will probably take a least a week to be published, maybe even two, because of the moving abroad tomorrow ! Plus the time to get used to the new place and to find a new internet connection.

Anyway, a usual, I'll do my best to please you :)

Thanks a lot for your support and encouragement,

as usual, don't hesitate to review !

Enjoy !

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I am running under the pouring rain, close to tears. But I won't cry, especially for such a ridiculous reason. First, men don't cry, and even less in public. Second, who would dare to cry because he has inflicted too much work on himself?

I am running like crazy despite the rain and my kendo outfit which gets heavier and heavier. Angst and frustration are fading away to be replaced by impatience.

Impatience to see him again.

I am getting closer, sodden, shivering under my wet hakama. Because of such a weather, the hideout isn't as attractive as usual, but I don't care.

I rush under his favorite tree.

"Hi, Akihi..."

He is not here. I freeze, stunned.

In his place sits another boy.

"Hi, Hiro-san."

I get defensive, unable to hide my disappointment.

"You're not Akihiko."

"He couldn't come. He is with Takahashi-kun right now."

"Takahashi... Takahiro?'

'Of course, who else?"

"But...but..."

"I have asked his permission to come and see you here. I thought it would be a nice surprise to you."

The boy stands up and comes to me. I notice that he is completely dry despite the rain which is pouring on us.

"You're sodden. You'll catch a cold if you stay like this."

He is coming closer. He is hugging me.

"But...what the..."

His hands are so warm. I am not cold anymore. He is drying my clothes. The rain doesn't even wet us anymore.

"How did you..."

"Akihiko cannot do this, right ?... You don't need him anymore, Hiro-san. I'm here. I'll never let you down.

"You...you are..."

The boy is kissing me. Exactly the way Akihiko did that day.

"I love you, Hiro-san."

I can't say anything, I am so taken aback. I realize that I am completely dry and warm.

"I...I...I..."

"Say it to me, Hiro-san. Just once. Please. I'll tell no one, I promise."

"I..."

The boy is gazing at me, looking sad, waiting.

"Hiro-san?'

I am struggling, tensed, eyes shut from shame and apprehension.

"I l..."

"HIRO-SAN !"

...

"I l..."

Err, wait, what...?

A dream. A stupid dream. Nowaki is crouching in front of me, his hands clutching my shoulders, as if to shake me.

It is dark. I realize that I have fallen asleep on the couch, for once, while waiting for Nowaki to come back from the hospital.

"You'll catch a cold if you stay like this."

The way too familiar words make me start.

"You'd better go to bed."

"Y...Yeah, you're right...You too..."

Nowaki is smiling at me.

"Don't worry, I am here."

Am I still dreaming or not? It's hard to tell, both situations sound so similar...

A little hesitating, I come closer to Nowaki. Timid, I am kissing him. Surprised, he takes me in his arms. I can feel his big warm hands on my back. I am not dreaming. Everything is real.

I put an end to the kissing and look away to hide my embarrassment.

"Hi...Hiro-san?"

"It...It's nothing. Have a good night."

Slowly, I disengage myself from Nowaki's hug and walk to our room. Nowaki is following me.

"By the way, what did you just say ?

"What?"

"In your sleep. You were stammering something, but the only word I got is "I"."

My cheeks burning, I walk faster and rush into the room.

"I don't remember the dream anymore, sorry. I am exhausted, anyway. Good night."

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During the following days, I am still disturbed by this dream. Why am I still clutching to Akihiko's memory so much? Why, though he has never been interested in me himself? And there is more, why now, over four years after Nowaki and I first met, when we love each other despite our differences, and when we do precisely everything to get through?

That Hito-sensei. It must be her, I am sure of it. Because of her office which has awakened everything, and her questions which made us dig out our old arguments.

But still, when I come to think about what happened afterwards...

"Well, well, Kamijou! You're spacing out a lot today!"

Miyagi drags me out of my thoughts with his naughty voice. I realize that I have stayed about five minutes staring at the bookshelf of the office, without moving.

I am frowning even more.

"Not at all. I am looking for a Basshô collection and I haven't put my hands on it yet."

"Then, I must have it. "

Basshô is Miyagi's favorite poet, maybe even his most favorite writer. Every Basshô collection from the office are his, the others must be at his place. I knew that, if I told this, he would answer me right back.

"Can you give me its reference? I have many."

Drat. I was hoping he would hold out a book and ask me if it was this one.

Confused, I feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

"Errr, well..."

"I love it when you try to lie. You're so cute, Hiro-kun !"

"Miyagi-sensei! First, my name is Hiroki Kamijou. Ka-mi-jou! Second, ..."

"Yeah, yeah. You are completely free to space around at lunch time, you know?"

Miyagi snaps me a naughty "have a good lunch" and walks away from the office, smirking.

Red from embarassment, I take a random collection and sits down at my desk. I'll eat later. Right now I must calm down.

I open the book randomly and come upon the following haïku:

A cold rain starting, And no hat - So?

Tsss. Even literature, my supposed best friend, is getting me back to those thoughts.

In that dream, rain was pouring on me so hard. Though I reached out to Akihiko, he was not there.

So?...Nowaki went to protect me from the wet and the cold.

Until I felt completely safe, warmed in his heat. Until I dared to tell him a second time, at least in my dreams, these words that he keeps repeating to me. Until I fell in love with him.

When he goes out of bounds, when he can't master his affection for me anymore, I let myself go completely. I don't have any control anymore. As if my strength had faded away.

Exactly the way I did the other night.

When I come to think about that, I am clenching my teeth. I am turning crimson again. It was...it was...incredible. One of the most intense nights that we have spent together, ever. And yet I can't help but be angry with myself.

The truth is, I can't bear that Nowaki always makes the first move anymore. Since we began our relationship, it has always been partly why I have been feeling constantly irritated. And it has got even worse with the years.

I have never dared to say that to Nowaki. I only express my annoyance with involuntary moves, such as tantrums or retractations. Of course, he does not understand. And as usual, I am too proud to tell him.

Whatever I try, I can't change myself.

Annoyed, I shut the book and open it randomly :

A caterpillar, this deep in fall- still not a butterfly

"Dammit!"

Basshô is teasing me as much as Miyagi! No wonder they get along so well!

My ears are drumming, it seems to me that a naughty laugh echoes from the book.

Shouting my anger, I throw the book over my desk.

Enraged, I rush out of the office to take refuge in the park.

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"Hello, gentlemen, it is your turn. "

Relieved, we jump on our feet to leave the two couples from the waiting room. Not because they were hostile or anything, but one of them is obviously bulky, expecting a child, which makes us somehow ill at ease. Nowaki has always had a gift with children...I have never spoke to him about having children, but I think he has always wanted to be a father...I wonder, whether it makes him suffer or not...I've never dared to ask him.

Without a word, after exchanging our bows, we walk into the green and blue office to sit down on the armchairs.

Hito-sensei fills our cups while smiling elegantly. We are looking at her her in silence, waiting.

She lets her rest against the back of the armchair, cup in hand.

Burning from impatience, I can't help but open my mouth first, bending forward over my knees.

"I apologize for my inappropriate behavior last time."

Nowaki bows as well, to my surprise.

"I have to apologize too."

Hito-sensei sweeps our excuses with a big smile.

"Don't worry, the first meeting almost always turns that way: either both partners barely speak, or they blame the other. That's perfectly normal."

She pauses to take a sip while we shrink into our chairs feeling so ashamed that we have turned red.

"Anyway, one thing is certain. Despite your argument last time, it is obvious that both of you are deeply in love and believe me, that's all that counts. I don't think it puts any pressure on you when I say it so explicitly, because you are aware of it, right ?"

We are both nodding. Nowaki is smiling at me, probably relieved that I approve. I can tell, it is so much easier for me to give a simple nod than to say it aloud...

"In both situations that you told me, Kusama-san is always the first to act, but doesn't consult Kamijou-san about it. Kamijou-san feels that something is up, but he says nothing. The two of you care for each other and ironically, you both retreat into silence for this precise reason. You are afraid to hurt the other and that leads to misunderstandings which fatally turn into arguments. "

We are still nodding. Nothing to add, she has understood everything.

"Let me reassure you, it is very common between two partners who are in love. I daresay that every couple comes across this problem sooner or later."

"But in our case", Nowaki interrupts, "it has always been like this."

"Precisely", Hito-sensei answers, unbothered.

She takes another sip and clears her throat. "There's something I have noticed since we first met, but to be sure, I'd like to ask you a few questions. "

Anxious, we are waiting.

"Tell me, at the very beginning, who took the first step ?"

Ah. Here we are. Was it that obvious ?

I answer, clenching my teeth.

"Nowaki."

"Who made the first move? I mean... physically?"

Turning even more crimson than ever, I keep answering, tensed.

"Nowaki."

"Who wanted you to live together first?"

"Nowaki."

"Who expresses his affection the most easily?"

"Nowaki."

"Who makes most propositions?"

"Nowaki."

"Who's on top?"

"Will you STOP IT, for God's sake?"

I have stood without thinking, shivering from rage and humiliation.

Nowaki is staring at me with popped eyes. Hito-sensei herself seems disturbed. She mutters :

"Incredible. I thought that at least, you would share both parts during love."

Caught red handed. I got angry without realizing that it was a confession in itself. Slowly, I sit down, unable to add anything else.

"I should add", Hito-sensei is going on, "that Kusama-san is the one who took the appointment, and that he is, by far, the one who speaks the most since the beginning. The contrast is obvious."

Nowaki is frozen, stunned, staring at me.

Finally, he stammers:

"But yet... Hiro-san sometimes makes the move too."

Hito-sensei, focused, let him go on.

"First, he accepted to be my private teacher to help me to prepare the exams. Then, he gave me flowers to congratulate me for having passed the preminilary tests. He too told me that he loves me."

They were not real first moves. Nowaki is the one who asked me to help him. Who passed the exams. Who asked me out first. And in each case, I had done it either reluctanctly or unvoluntarily.

As a proof, Hito-sensei hasn't relaxed a bit. She charges back:

"Would you have any other example, where you didn't expect you partner to make the move?"

Nowaki spaces, as if to think further. I have the answer. He had better recall it!

"It has happenend twice this month."

Twice? I could think of only once.

Hito-sensei's face lights up immedialty.I keep my mouth shut.

"Really? Please go on."

"Well, just after the first appointment, we made love and Hiro-san told me we should do that more often."

I react at once.

"Nowaki!"

"And the other day, he waited for me until he fell asleep though I would come back late from work."

"Wait..."

"And when I woke him up, he kissed me though I was completly unprepared of it."

If there wasn't the first appointment, I would have probably run away already. There is no place to hide. And such embarrassment worsens even more when I glance at Hito-sensei.

She is shivering from excitement. Right now, she is looking like a fangirl.

She turns to me, stars glittering in her eyes.

"Then, you would have begun to open up right after the first appointment?"

I snap back to her at once.

"With all due respect, do not come to think that having met you would change me so easily, Hito-sensei. It just happened this way because of the circumstances, that's all."

"Which circumstances?"

The professional tone was back...and the question, as precise and sharp as a sword blow.

I am figuring out the answer. I am beginning to understand at last.

But I can't tell. Not now. Not in front of Nowaki.

I frown, looking down. I throw one single word.

"Sorry."

Hito-sensei relaxes and offers a second serving of tea.

"Don't worry, I don't want to rush things out. We are going pretty fast already. From the beginning, you have managed to tell things you wouldn't have ever said in other circumstances. That's a very good sign. This way you'll be able to understand each other better and better. Precisely what couples therapy is for."

If you say so...

"Now, gentlemen, please excuse-me, but this will do for today."

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"Hiro-san, I'm sorry."

Nowaki and I are going home by the subway. I was about to fall asleep when Nowaki suddenly spoke those words.

"What for?"

"For not noticing earlier that I was pressuring you so much."

"What are you talking about? If I don't want something, I'll always let you know!"

"Precisely! You have always let me know, I just never listen."

I have never tried that hard. To resist Nowaki and then give in to his passion has almost turned into a kind of game with the time. He should have figured it out by now.

"Listen, Nowaki, if one day, If I really don't want you to touch me, believe me, you'll feel the difference. Now, stop your nonsense, got it?"

Nowaki smiles back at me, looking still worried.

"Got it. Sorry."

"You fool."

We are back. I am worn out. Nowaki goes into the bathroom while I am opening instant noodles. Once in a blue moon won't kill us.

I can hear pouring water from the kitchen. Shivering, I am thinking about Hito-sensei's sharp and fast deductions.

"The contrast is obvious."

And above all...

"Which circumstances?"

I am clenching my teeth, while recalling the dream. My fists tightens on the boxes that I am holding. I put them down so as not to crush them.

Water is still pouring from the bathroom.

I hesitate. My breath becomes harsher. But my anger about letting fear get to me is even stronger.

"Oh, and so what?"

In one gesture, I leave the kitchen.

When I enter the bathroom, Nowaki doesn't hear me. He is still under the shower, singing. After all, it has been hardly ten minutes since he came here.

Once undressed, I open the gliding door in a lightening. Nowaki starts, shocked.

"Hi... Hiro-san ?"

I can't say anything; I am clenching my teeth . I enter the shower, staring at him right in the eyes. Without wincing even once, I shut the gliding door behind us. Both of us are under the shower.

"Hiro-san, what..."

"Shut up, will you?"

Water is pouring down our two bodies. Rain. Hot rain. Nowaki against me. Like a broken record, the dream keeps going in my mind. Irritation gets me again.

I come closer, unprepared. To start with, I put my hands on his torso. Though I am decided, I can't just do it the same way Nowaki has always done.

Timid, my lips get closer to his chest. Slowly, I am kissing.

A stunned Nowaki slowly raises his shaking arms to hug me. He pecks me me on the forehead.

Yet, letting him is out of question, this time.

Kissing him even harsher, I pull him against the wall.

This time, Nowaki steps back, looking kinda scared.

"Hiro-san, you don't have to..."

"Of course I don't have to, what are you thinking?"

As usual, I am playing more confident than I really am. Easier to say than to do, especially when it is your "first time".

But I am a man, and a man never runs away. Even less from his fears. Exactly the way I seduced Akihiko.

Nowaki doesn't move, his back resting against the wall, unable to decide how to react.

Annoyed, I look up at him.

"Do not dare to think that I am acting this way because of Hito-sensei. I had planned it all along. And do not dare to imagine that it will always turn like this after each appointment. I do what I want."

Nowaki is standing in silence, still taken aback. A timid smile appears on his face; his gentle and affectionate eyes gaze at me.

"Of course, Hiro-san."

He doesn't believe me. It is so obvious that it gets my temper.

Deciding to shut his mouth up, I make the move.