To be honest I'm in shock at myself for the length of time it has been since I last updated. Life as been pretty busy as of late. I've been writing my own kind of thing on and off for the past year, so fanfiction took a back seat...but then I lost writing completely for what seems like forever. A couple of weeks back though my history teacher gave me this book, "A Quiet Belief in Angels" by R.J Ellory and I found myself scrawling on spare pieces of paper - just bits and bobs here and there, but it brought me back to my love of fiction...and well, here I am. I apologise to all those who have been waiting for the better part of a year and I hope I have not lost all fans of "Criminal Injustice". This is really just a filler chapter, a bit of fun before I - hopefully - get back into the full swing of this.
As always let me know what you think...and please excuse the SPG. (I'm a little rusty) :)
I lay awake for ages the next morning. As soon as light seeped in through the thin blinds covering my window I felt it was ok to open my eyes. I hadn't slept much anyway; I had been slipping in and out of strange dreams about boats and prison bars and girls screaming. It was like all the stress and emotions from the previous day, week, year were suddenly crashing into my subconscious, like waves crashing against the rocks of Carmel beach. I guess it was my minds way of dealing with all the stress, for I never talked to anyone about it.
"Suffer in silence." Paul had once remarked. It was last year some time, before exams, and just like now I was struggling to keep my part time job at Ackerman's and study, as well as make time for him. "That's what you do. And you shouldn't!" We'd been making our way home from school that day, and he'd stopped then and taken me in his arms. "You need to relax more, Suze. Honestly, you're turning into a nervous wreck…you know I hate to see you this way. Come on, just tell Andy you need to cut down on the shifts."
"You know I can't," I'd replied, putting my arms up around his neck and melting against him. Times had been good between us then. That was when my stressing had only just began. Maybe I should have listened to him then. Maybe things wouldn't be the way they were now. I would have had more time for him, as well as the rest of my friends. But Andy needed the help almost as much as I needed the money. Things hadn't been financially great for Ackerman's then, and Mum had been ill around that time too. Andy was up to his eyes and I was expected to help, I'd wanted to help.
"Everything's just so…hectic right now. It won't last much longer. I promise." We'd kissed then and I was happy. Paul always managed to get my heart racing, just as he had done yesterday at that back of maths class. That day though, it was a good kind of racing. I'd felt small yet secure and safe in his arms. I missed that feeling.
I was shaking last night when I got in from work. Literally two minutes after my run in with Jesse I had gotten a text from Paul saying he'd be at mine within twenty minutes. I had collapsed against the backdoor once I'd gotten inside and sobbed, though no tears had come. Just dry heaves and a pain in my chest I never thought would leave. I had pulled myself together though and managed to strip my griming clothes off and pull my greasy hair from its messy ponytail before jumping straight into the scalding hot shower. I didn't mind the pain of the water and relished in the childish thought that it could wash everything, everything away.
Paul arrived just after I had gotten changed and tidied my room. My hair was still damp but he hadn't minded, making me laugh by saying he loved the idea that I was just out of the shower. I'd mocked hurt, asking him was he insinuating that I'd needed to wash (even though I desperately had.).
"No!" Paul had laughed, closing the gap between us after he had closed the back door, and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me tight against him. He buried his face in my neck, making me shiver as his breath tickled my skin when he muttered, "You know exactly what I meant."
The rest of the night passed like a movie on fast-forward and the more I thought of it the more surreal it all seemed, as if I were watching someone else.
The bed moved and creaked suddenly, and I felt an warm arm curl around my stomach from behind as I lay on my side. I turned around to face Paul without hesitancy. I smiled with a sadness I hope he didn't notice. His hair was spiked up at odd angles but there was a happy, content look about his face that made what happened last night more special. I can't say that I regretted it. It had felt right at the time. Once he had closed that door and those familiar lips had touched mine, I'd known it was coming. Maybe it was just all the stress that had done it, or seeing Jesse's face just an hour before, but suddenly I was dying for an escape, a release and I gave in without a fight. I'd wanted it as much as he had and I think my eagerness had taken him by surprise.
"Suze…"He'd mumbled, breaking away from me for a spilt second. I had dragged him up the stairs, kissing him as I'd went, and it was just as we'd reached my door that he'd brought me to a halt. His eyes a little dazed and surprised, he'd looked unbelievably adorable and despite myself I had giggled a little. I'd felt high and excited, and it was beyond me if I could explain why. "Are you sure?" He'd asked.
"Completely." I wasn't sure if it was a lie, and right now, pressed close up against him in my warm bed, I know it wasn't. I regretted the circumstances, not the actual thing. Though for some reason still, I felt guilty. I smiled again though as I remembered how I had pulled him inside my room, shoved the door closed and continued to kiss him furiously. I was a little taken aback by my own passion, but I didn't stop once, despite the slight pain. Our clothes were strewn all over my room, and I'm pretty sure my underwear were a little ripped, though I'm not sure if that was his fault or mine. We'd laughed hysterically at that part, our nerves getting the better of us, yet it added to the uniqueness of the whole night. It was special. It was nice. I felt like we had gone backwards in time, because for once nothing was there to dampen the mood. No car crash, no dead brothers and no Jesse De Silva. It was me and Paul, just as it used to be and I quietly thanked God that gone were the days when Mum and Andy came in to wish me goodnight.
"You okay?" Paul asked, his voice croaking a little. I smiled again furrowing myself in closer to him, my face in his neck.
"I don't want to get out of this bed." He chuckled deep in his throat and the reverberations went through me. It was a comforting feeling and it made me even more adamant not to get up. It was as if here, in this bed, nothing from the outside could reach us. Nothing at all. Nothing mattered, no one mattered but just the two of us.
"Me neither," Paul replied, kissing my hair. "But I'm pretty sure if I don't leave soon and your Mum or Andy walk in…well, it's a situation I'd like to avoid."
I breathed a laugh into the hollow of his neck and he shivered. I laughed again before pressing a long, damp kiss onto his soft skin. I could hear his breathing getting deeper and that familiar feeling from last night threatened to make its way back with a vengeance. His arms tightened around me, and I continued to make a path of kisses up towards his mouth. He was waiting for me eagerly and with my hands on his chest I rolled him over so that I was lying on top of him. I loved the feeling of his soft lips pressing against mine and I couldn't believe that just days ago I was having doubts about being with him. I could feel his right hand travelling up the exposed skin of my back, causing my body to tense at the sudden pleasure, before he cupped the back of my head and pulled my mouth closer still to deepen the kiss. Long, slow and deep, it was probably one of the most arousing kisses I'd ever had with Paul, and I'd been with him nine years. Maybe it was because it was the early hours of the morning, or more than likely, maybe it was because we had turned into a new phase of our relationship. Either way I wasn't complaining, yet common sense and a lot of self-restraint, made me pull away before things could get even more heated.
Paul groaned and tried to pull me back, but I refused with a breathless giggle.
"You have to go!" I told him, pushing myself up from his chest. I nodded toward my window, with the trustful window seat below it. "Climb out that way."
He'd done it many times before, so he knew the drill, but this time, it was under completely different circumstances; usually he stayed later on a Friday or Saturday night so we could make out a little more, or fumble a bit, but never before had he stayed the whole night, on a week day and had sex. I felt my eyes widen at the thought, but before I had time to really digest the realisation, Paul's hands found my waist and he rolled me onto my back, covering my body with his. I yelped in surprise and he chuckled into my mouth. The pressure of his weight brought back flashes of the night before and I bit his lip at the memory.
"Alright, alright I'm going." He mumbled, his lips moving against mine. My eyes closed, I wrapped my arms around his neck as he sat up and I felt myself leave the mattress. The kiss didn't break and once again I was tempted to just not go to school and make him stay here with me. Though I was pretty sure a lot of persuasion wouldn't be needed on his part.
I watched him from the bed as he regretfully pulled his dark jeans on and then, even more sadly, his black top down over those wonderful abs.
"I'll see you in school," Paul said, as he leaned down to kiss my forward. "I love you,"
"I love you," I told him and the smile on his face almost broke my heart. I meant it this time though, I know I did, and once he had climbed out through the window and was gone, I didn't feel regret and shame seep in like I'd feared they would. I was content and a little amused at the idea that perhaps if we had have done this earlier things could have been so much better sooner rather than later. I didn't dwell on that though, because now, everything I'd once stressed about seemed much more insignificant and less of a worry than I had originally thought. Paul and I were fine…we were more than fine. We were great and I wanted to keep it that way. I needed to.
Jesse De Silva. He didn't matter. So, he was back, that didn't mean anything where me and Paul were concerned. Of course it didn't and I highly doubted that Jesse was back to cause any such harm. I know he had killed Jack, but he wasn't a cold-blooded murderer and he hadn't done it on purpose, despite what others may think. He was back to start his life again, and me and Paul, we had nothing to do with that. I had a funny feeling now that I could have more of a hold on Paul. I could distract him more easily from the thought of Jesse being back in town and this pleased me even more.
Things were going to be fine.
The sky was a cloudless blue. The warm, light breeze of the early morning smoothed over my skin and weaved through the tall grass of the field as I walked through it. The sun shone down happily and even the thought of having met Jesse here just over twelve hours ago couldn't ruin the mood I was in.
I walked quickly, eager for the first time in what felt like forever to get to school and see Paul. I laughed light heartedly to myself as I realised I couldn't even remember the last time I had butterflies in my stomach at the prospect of seeing my boyfriend. Normally that would disturb me, but this feeling was as fresh as the first day we had kissed and for me it was enough to completely usurp everything else.
I stopped at Ackerman's first, to grab breakfast. I had text Andy earlier asking him, if he had time, to make me a sausage buddy and when I walked down the back alley and in through the kitchen door it was sitting in a piece of kitchen roll ready and all.
"Alright, honey?" Andy asked walking in from the back pantry, his red Yankee's cap sitting somewhat askew as if he'd been attempting to scratch his head without having to take the hat off - I'd watched him do it many times before and it never failed to amuse me.
"Yup," I replied beaming at him. I picked up the buddy, and give him a quick kiss on the cheek in thanks, then fixed his hat for him.
"Thanks," He chuckled, rolling his eyes. He looked at me closely as I went to walk back through the door I'd come in. I suddenly felt very conscious, wondering if he was going to point out that I looked different or something, like they do in the movies, but he merely smiled and said, "Knew you needed some rest, kid."
Close enough I suppose. I smiled, thanked him again and left. Dopey was no where to be seen, which didn't surprise me and so I walked to school alone, yet content. The rain from yesterday was no where to be seen, the ground its usual dusty, dry self, crunching beneath my feet as I walked. I ate as I went, taking in everything around me; mothers walking their kids to school, some mischievously running on ahead; people speeding by on bicycles; cars with roofs down appearing to glide along in the morning sun. Carmel seemed to be restored to it's normal glory.
The buzzing sound of voices reached my ears before my eyes even found the school yard itself. Throngs of pupils walking and seeking out friends, chattering away seemingly without a care in the world. I marvelled at how much everything seemed to have magnified in my eyes, as if I was seeing everything for the first time. In truth it was probably the first time in over a year that I had taken the time to observe anything with half the ounce of concentration I was using today. I immediately caught sight of CeeCee talking animatedly to Adam at one of the picnic benches just opposite the breezeway and as I hurried to approach them, hoisting my brown, sun beaten leather bag on my shoulder, I saw Paul.
I felt like a child as I suddenly changed course and made a beeline for him. I waved at CeeCee though who had just seen me, then Adam as I went. Paul was standing just inside the breezeway, out of the range of the sun, talking to Maria.
"…yeah, no I'm fine. Honestly. Thanks though, and don't worry so much, okay?" I only heard the remnants of their conversation but it was enough. I knew Paul worried about Maria; out of everyone in Carmel, after Jesse left, they were like the two main characters in the horror story of Jack's death and he felt a responsibility for her.
I came up behind Paul and took his hand, letting our fingers slide together. He didn't jump, but a small smile came to his face as if he known I was there all along.
"Hi, Maria, how are ya?" I said, smiling reassuringly at her.
"Good, thanks Suze," She nodded, returning the greeting and the smile before leaving us alone. I watched her briefly as she walked alone down the breezeway and a pang of pity washed over me. Just recently turned 19, Maria had missed a lot of school after the whole incident and so had to repeat a year. She hadn't been the same since the accident anyway and as far as I knew, she hadn't been with anyone else either. Always alone. Except for when she was with us, but lately our group meetings were becoming less and less frequent.
"She alright?" I asked Paul, turning around to face him. He had been watching me the whole time, I had felt his eyes on me, yet I couldn't make out his expression. He brought an arm around my waist.
"Yeah, I think so," He replied, sighing. He looked down the breezeway where she had now disappeared. "She's finding it tough though, like the rest of us. She's dreading him coming back here. She doesn't want to speak to him."
I remembered suddenly how Maria had refused to even have Jesse in her hospital room. She'd a concussion and a broke arm, though they say the airbag had done that damage. She was the only one in the car with a seatbelt on, as far as I can remember. Jack didn't; he was thrown from the car. Jesse, though, he was the miracle. No injuries except for a cut through one of his eyebrows. Two stitches and a scar that would remain forever.
"Anyway," Paul went on, looking down at me. "How are you?"
"I'm great," I told him nonchalantly, shrugging my shoulders and trying to suppress the smile that hadn't left my face all morning. "You know, peachy keen."
"I see," Paul nodded, following my lead. "Good. Nothing new then?" He added, raising his eyebrows. "Get up to much last night or anything?"
"Nah," I replied, scrunching up my face as if trying to think. The bell had rung just seconds before and already the school yard was beginning to clear, everyone making their way to registration. "Nothing worth mentioning." I laughed as his arm suddenly tightened around my waist.
"I'm joking!"
"Better be," He growled against my lips, walking me backwards, towards the disappearing crowd of pupils.