Disclaimer: I own none of the recognisable settings or characters. I do not own my friends either (their souls belong to Satan).
Authors Note: It has just been brought to my attention that I at some point switched from 1st person to 3rd person, I have no idea when that happened but who cares anyway. This is after all, just a parody, if I did it one of my serious fics I might be concerned but this is just for fun and so I don't think it matters that much, if your looking for quality of writing then I suggest you stop reading parodies. (And go check out my serious fics! I promise I take much more care with them. - )
We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack and Will
Chapter Four
The Minions of Shooter and The Problems With Being Colourblind
As Tortuga island came into view this is what all of our main characters were doing: Hannah and Libby had once again begun their delightful although slightly-out-of-tune sing/shout-ing and they had now gotten Megi to join their angelic choir. Jennifer was attempting to grow hair on her feet and Shiky was watching her whilst humming various Good Charlotte tunes (attempting to block out the sound of "woah! We're gonna have a party! Woah! In the Caribbean sea!"). Bry was looking over the side of the boat contemplating the possibility of drowning herself. Will was doing much the same thing as he had become suicidally depressed through his irritating love-sickness. Jack was going through the final stages of severe withdrawal and had become a quivering ball in the middle of the deck, Anamaria having taken over his duties as captain. Norrington was having some kind of disagreement with Cotton.
It had to be said that the argument was pretty one sided as Cotton wasn't really saying much. But his parrot was flapping around their heads making more noise then anyone else on the ship, including the trio who had just decided they would be known by the astoundingly original name of 'The Vengagirls' and who had just moved onto their politically themed hit 'What Shall We Do When The Greens Take Over'.
Meanwhile, Gina was watching this noisy parrot with increasing agitation "will someone please shut that damn thing up!" but because she was a kitten, no one paid any attention to her whatsoever. And so she continued to watch the parrot circle with increasingly hungry eyes.
As they came into the harbour at Tortuga they passed another pirate ship, Anamaria suddenly became uncharacteristicly dreamy "What ship is that?" Megi asked, wishing to become an expert on all things pirate. A dreamy smile came across Anamaria's face "The Rainey Day From Hell"
"They spelt 'rainy' wrong" said Megi motioning to the words engraved on the side of the ship proclaiming its name "yes, but I think it's some kind of pun relating to other films by Johnny Depp" said Shiky "whats a film?" asked Anamaria. Nobody bothered answering her question, but instead Hannah asked her another question "so, what made you suddenly go uncharacteristicly dreamy?"
"that" she said giving her small brass telescope to Hannah for her to look at the crew of The Rainey Day From Hell "wow, yeah I see what you mean!" she said. There was a clamor to look through the telescope, Megi won. What she saw amazed her, the entire crew looked alike. And all of them bore a remarkable resemblance to Jack "Oh my god!" cried Megi "it's every character Johnny Depp has ever played in pirate form!"
"whose Johnny Depp?" once again everyone ignored Anamaria.
As they exited the ship and tottered around the dock for a bit getting used to walking on a surface that wasn't moving, the crew of The Rainey Day From Hell were doing much the same thing (except with slightly less tottering). Shiky tottered round and bumped into Jennifer, Jennifer tottered round and bumped into Hannah, Hannah bumped into Megi, Megi bumped into Bry, Bry into Libby and Libby into the captain of The Rainey Day From Hell. He looked remarkably like Jack except that under his pirate captainy hat his hair was blonde and shorter then Jacks (though still kinda long) and he had glasses. Libby looked up "hey dude" she said dreamily and then, "hey! Your that schizo dude!" he was confused "do I know you?"
"well, no" she admitted but quickly brightened "but you do now! I'm Libby and you're the crazy dude in the bathrobe!"
"It's not a bathrobe!" he said indignantly "it's my spiffy pirate coat!"
"yes well it looks like a bathrobe, and anyway it isn't your fault you wear that unstyley thing, you're seeking comfort after what Amy did to you" said Hannah sounding unnaturally intelligent "I'll comfort you!" the outburst from Anamaria caused everyone to turn and stare "what?" she said defensively "I thought you were the last sane person left in this godforsaken madhouse of a fanfiction!" wailed Gina, utterly distraught "don't tell me your going to start chasing innocent males around till they fear for their lives too!"
"wait a minute!" burst out Hannah "are you calling us Mary-Sues!" Gina surveyed the girl down her nose as only a kitten can "of course not, I'm not that cruel. I'm simply calling you desperate" she said "oh, well that's okay then" said Hannah, her usual unnaturally happy look settling back into its rightful place.
"Listen!" said Anamaria getting irritated "just because I'm the obligatory 'tough female character' doesn't mean I'm immune to the total gorgeousness of various males! It doesn't make me any less strong 'cause I have a crush goddammit!"
"Of course" said Hannah in an uncharacteristicly calming voice "It's just that no living female can resist the total gorgeousness of Johnny Depp"
"Well at least she hasn't fucked Jack yet" Libby added to help calm the close-to-tears pirate "what? Oh, ah ...yes, no I haven't" everyone turned to Anamaria and Bry yelled triumphantly "I told you so! He fucked her, then he stole her ship! " Anamaria turned very red "it wasn't exactly like that" she said.
It took a while for everyone to get over the revelation about the history of Anamaria and Jack (and even longer to stop Megi from murdering Anamaria in a jealous rage.) But once the situation was again under control the dressing-gown wearing captain of the Rainey Day From Hell asked "whose Amy? "
Wind whistled through the silence and if their had been any crickets, they would have chirping. Because that's what crickets do, they chirp. Then a booming voice came down from the sky and told the author to stop going on about crickets and get on the bloody story. So she did.
"You know Ami, your ex" there was a blank expression painted on Mort's face (someone had painted it on when he had been asleep and he still hadn't realised) "you are Mort? "
"yes" he said impatiently "I am Mort Rainey, captain of the Rainey Day From Hell, but I still don't know who the hell you are or how you know who I am" then something seemed to click in his mind, like the clicking of a joint (not that sort of joint you stoner! ) except that their aren't any joints in the mind so it can't have been that. Then again he does have two personalities so they have to be joined somehow and maybe it was that joint that clicked. It was then that the booming voice returned "stop procrastinating! " it proclaimed "but I like procrastinating" said the author "but don't you like writing fanfiction? " asked the booming voice sweetly "well ... yes ... I suppose"
"So wouldn't you rather be writing fanfiction then procrastinating? "
"I'd rather be procrastinating when I'm suppose to be writing fanfiction! " the booming voice was close to admitting defeat "just shut up and get on with the story! " boomed the booming voice boomily " 'boomily' isn't a word! " said the unnamed critic. Suddenly Basil Brush appeared out of thin air and shouted "boom-boom! " this was too much for the booming voice, "the story! " it shrieked "the story! "
"okay, okay" said the author "right where were we? "
"I had just had an idea about who all you guys are" said Mort "oh, okay then" said the author and launched back into the story.
Something had just clicked in Mort's mind "If you've been sent here by Shooter, go back and tell him that I won't be intimidated that easily, and that he can take his plagerism theories and stick 'em up his-"
"we're not minions of Shooter" said Shiky, cutting him off just in time for best comedic effect "oh" said Mort "well if you see him be sure to tell him that anyway"
"Sure thing dude" Libby seemed completely unperturbed by the idea that he was asking her to pass on a message to his other personality.
"Actually" said Megi "technically you sent Shooter." Mort was very confused "maybe we should let him figure all that out in his own time" advised Hannah in a rare and unnatural bout of apparent intelligence (but we all know appearances can be deceiving) "How come he knows Shooter if he doesn't know Amy? Explain that plot-hole if you can" sneered the unnamed critic "well" said the author "it's quite simple really, because Shooter is really nothing more then a part of Mort's mind, he exist where none of the other characters do, he will have just been brought into 'existence' by a different trigger event" she grinned like a satisfied cat and the unnamed critic went away muttering.
"Why are there so many cat metaphore cleshes? " asked Gina "why cats? Why not dogs or irritating little parrots? "
"maybe the cleshe lady really likes cats" shrugged Megi "ew" said Hannah "oh! That's just NOT RIGHT! " yelled Libby before becoming a twitching heap on the floor "what's wrong with her? " asked Anamaria kicking the now violently shaking Libby "oh, she'll be fine" said Hannah brightly "she just got a mental image of our english teacher performing indecent acts upon a cat"
"who do you have for english? " asked Gina going pale (if it's possible for a kitten to go pale) "oh no, she's a perfectly nice person really, if a little ... individual" Hannah assured the alarmed cat "I just like twisting peoples words into something dodgy that's all" Libby started to slowly uncurl "are you okay? " asked Shiky holding out a hand to pull her up "I'll be fine now ... I think" said Libby shakily. Mort looked concerned "are you sure you're okay? " he said, he seemed to have taken a shine to Libby ever since she (literally) ran into him. Libby noticed this fact and therefore immediately forgot all her cares "fine, just fine" she assured him with what was probably supposed to be an alluring smile "okay" he said "well we're having a party on board my ship tonight and you're welcome to come along"
"alcohol? " said Bry immediately "in large quantities" Mort assured her "we'll be there! " Bry yelled gleefully and the others cheered their agreement. Jack asked quietly if anyone knew were he could purchase some items of especial importance, pirate from the Rainey Day From Hell who looked remarkably like a victorian detective who would be involved in finder the murderer of several London prostitutes and end up falling in love with one (Note from author: Lucky bitch.) "why don't you just SAY that he's Fred Abberline, Johnny Depp's character out of From Hell" said the Unnamed Critic "shut up" said the author. Fred said he knew where Jack could get some drugs.
"Shopping! Shopping! We're going shopping! " Hannah sang, literally skipping with delight at the thought of trawling through Tortuga's high street with a purse full of pirate gold that she'd managed to extract from Jack, she probably stole it (either that or something no-one wants to know about) . Libby thought this was thoroughly excellent also and therefore joined in the singing. Megi joined them also, not so much because she liked shopping but more because she liked skipping down public roads singing loudly.
"Right" said Jack to the assembled group "me an' Fred here are gonna go purchase some important supplies, you girls go amuse yourselves looking at dresses"
"What am I going to do?" whined Will, he had become very whiny and annoying of late, this was probably some affect of the prolonged detour from rescuing his girlfriend "I said" Jack answered patiently "you girls go amuse yourselves looking at dresses"
"Ha bloody ha" said Will before making a rude gesture at Jack and striding off towards the overly-pompous hat store. Norrington, whose presence was still unexplained and still unnoticed by anyone who was SUPPOSED to be in the movie, went with him.
"Oooooh! Look! Evening gowns imported from France" Hannah had gotten into the fashion of the 1800's in a very big way, although she had refused to wear a corset as they were a symbol of female oppression. In fact she had started designing badges for a rebellion group, most of which had slogans along the lines of "fuck corsets" . But at that precise moment she was laden down with a great many boxes of dresses and shawls and funny little umbrella things. Libby was in a similar state to Hannah, although it must be said that her pile of boxes was considerably smaller then Hannah's (no one could beat the shopping queen) . Bry was sitting gin a bookshop pining for fanfiction until someone (possibly Basil Brush) reminded her that she was in fact in a fanfiction, as this realisation dawned on her like the dawning of a rather dimwitted sun she jumped up and down with ecstasy (the feeling not the drug ... well probably a combination of both) . Megi was attempting to hold off internet and playstation withdrawal by trawling the shops for a quality pirate hat.
Before returning to the ship the girls decided to stop at one of the many coffee houses that dotted the street (that's factually correct! Coffee houses were really popular in the 1800's, proof that some things never change, they just get given brand names) . Upon entry Hannah and Libby were devastated to hear that the shop did not sell frappacino's "it's a 19th century coffee house not bloody starbucks!" said Gina "Of course they don't have frappacino's! They don't frappaccino's, cappaccino's or mochaccino's!" no one was quite sure when the kitten had joined them but she was definatly making her presence known now. Hannah was stunned by Gina's news "no ... mocha? But what will I drink?" then she passed out cold.
"Well, that got her out of the way" grinned the kitten "wait" said Shiky "if the author has just passed out cold then whose writing this fic?" everyone pondered this for a moment before deciding that this kind of twisting of perceptions and warping of the boundaries of reality was simply too complicated so they all decided to forget about it. Coffee's and hot chocolates were ordered and, upon awakening, Hannah ordered one of each and mixed them together, thus solving the mochaccino crisis.
Hannah then announced that it was that special time during any shopping trip, commonly known as The Review Of Purchases. Megan began "I bought a hat and an eye-patch and a peg-leg and a hook-hand!" Basil saw his cue "peg-leg and a hook-hand, bet that cost an arm and a leg!" he cackled "boom-boom!" everyone was silent, not even Gina could think of sarcastic enough words to describe the utter crapness of the joke (although she did try very hard) "well" said Bry breaking the horrified silence "I bought some books"
"shocking" said Gina, feeling she had to make up for her lack of sarcasm towards Basil "I bought a waistcoat" announced Jennifer, and if you can't figure out what that has to do with anything then I suggest you have a look at the cotumes of the hobbit's in Lord of the Rings. Hannah decided it was her turn to tell about her purchases. She pulled in a deep breath for what was obviously going to be a very long list "I bought a red dress and a blue dress and a green dress and a yellow dress and a white dress and a purple dress and a black dress and a brown dress you know what the interesting thing about colours is that you might be colour-blind but just not know it I mean how do I know what red looks like, maybe what I think red looks like actually looks like blue or purple that makes you think about a lot of things take the colour brown for example maybe they couldn't figure out which colours brown should be made out of which is why brown looks like every colour and maybe-"
"Hannah!" broke in Bry "shut up!"
"I'm sure I've heard that speech somewhere before ... something to do with chicken... " mused Shiky
Now that the nessesery caffine and sugar intake had been had it was time to return to the ship and begin the lengthy process of preperation for the party on board The Rainey Day From Hell. All the girls wore gorgeous 19th century dresses with pretty little umbrella's, with the exception of Megi, who was kitted up in full pirate gear, and Jennifer who had decided to dress up as a hobbit, prosthetic feet and all. The others tried to explain to her that the party was not in fact fancy-dress and that dressing up when it was not requested or expected was not what would usually termed "normal" behavior, but it was to no avail: the concept of normality was almost as unfamiliar to Jennifer as it is to Bry who took a teddy bear to a high school dance.
Hannah also got everyone to wear her Feminist Rebellion Anti-Corset badges, and in fact got them all to join the Society Of Corset Killers (commonly known as SOCK). Gina batted a rolling badge with her paw saying "I don't really see what's so bad about corset's, I mean all they do is turn human beings into stick insects cutting off most of their air supply in the process" Hannah was about to use the pin part of the badge to inflict serious damage on the kitten before she realised that Gina was merely living up to the title of ship's resident sarcastic cat.
Bry suddenly noticed a major problem "oh my God!" she shrieked "we have no makeup!" Libby rolled her eyes "don't be stupid, we can borrow some"
"Off who? Anamaria? In case you haven't noticed she's not a 'makeup' sort of girl"
"Uh, have you seen Will lately, that is not natural skin! And don't tell me you haven't noticed Jack's affinity with eyeliner!" The others nodded and mumbled various mumblings along the lines "oh but of course" even Megi eventually had to admit that Jack, the love of her life, wore a hell of a lot of eyeliner. And mascara. And possibly some black eyeshadow. Hannah had been gone for a while and they were beginning to get concerned, well actually they couldn't care less about her but the author needed a way to point out the fact that she was no longer present. At that moment the girl who had until that moment been no longer present struggled through the door hauling an ENOURMAS suitcase "I have a little bit of makeup" she said, joining the conversation "not much but enough" Shiky was less interested in makeup and more interested in the suitcase (as she could not, as I hope most of my readers can, put two and two together) "I just said" Hannah answered "makeup" Bry clapped her hands for joy and giggled in a scary teenage girl sort of a way "where did you get all that from" she asked in wonderment "what do you mean?" said Hannah surprised "this is my basic kit, I take it everywhere with me" the unnamed critic saw another plot hole they could poke at with a stick insect (they thought it was a stick) "how come nobody noticed you had a massive suitcase with you in the dinghy in the first chapter?" Hannah grinned in the utter bliss of someone who is more then a little bit dim "I was sitting on it!" this line of defense was so utterly moronic that the unnamed critic couldn't argue with it and went away muttering. The author just realised that the unnamed critic has no gender ... oh well.
"Stop interjecting your comments in the middle of the story!" the booming voice told the author "you should put that kind of crap in the author's note" the author poked out her tongue at the booming voice and poked it with the stick insect she stole from the unnamed critic "hey!" said the booming voice "stop twisting the dimensions of reality, you can't poke a disembodied voice with a stick!"
"It's not a stick, it's a stick insect" the booming voice rolled its eyes (even though as a disembodied voice it technically didn't have eyes) suddenly the author had a thought "hey booming voice" she said "are you my conscience?"
"Yes Hannah, I am your conscience, we haven't spoken in a while how are you?"
"Not bad, hey conscience, am I dead?"
"No you are not dead. But you will be soon if you don't GET ON WITH THE BLOODY STORY!"
The author conceded and agreed to continue with her writing, however her characters had different ideas "this fanfic is crap!" said Shiky "there's no plot" Bry agreed "and the author keeps on going off into completely unrelated tangents about insects!" she added
"I want some Lord of the Rings characters!" wailed Jennifer.
"I wanna kiss Jack!" cried Megi.
"I want the bird to die!" complained Gina.
"I want to eat cheese!" said Hannah.
Everyone stared at Hannah "what?" she said. They proceeded to ignore her "right, that's it." said Libby decisively, the author nervously ventured the question "what's it?"
"We're going on strike!" announced Libby and all the other main characters cheered "strike?" the author stared in horror "yes! Strike!" shouted Libby "we will not have any part in this fanfiction until you give into our demands, the strike is enforced as of ... NOW!