Wallflower
A/N: Late update, yeah sorry, I know I suck. I've been getting ideas of fics in literally every other fandom except this one. Inspiration is such a fleeting thing isn't it?
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed! Drops of Azure, uriel's tea time, YunaBrown, Suzumehime, Under A Cloud.
RandomReader: You know I used to review anonymously under the name RandomReviewer, yeah LOL. Anyway thank you for reviewing! Kira ending up with Marui? Hmmm maybe, maybe not XD But I do think they'll be cute together too :D
A huuuuuge thanks to everyone who just read the story, faved and followed :D
Now on with the story. ^_^
Disclaimer: PoT isn't mine. Dammit.
Chapter 4: Friendship of a Different Kind.
"Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave"
-Sara Bareilles, Brave.
You know how people say friendships are formed over mutual agreement and trust? Yeah I used to believe that too. But considering the fact that I haven't had many friends, one could say I didn't have the experience to support this argument.
Well I'd like to disagree since I've read more than enough books, and I have come to the conclusion that friendships are formed either because a) he/she stole your crayon in kindergarten or b) he/she love the same kind of music/books/sport/anything else you might like.
There might be more ways, but according to me these are the easiest ways of making friends.
Since I didn't steal anyone's crayon in kindergarten and I don't know anyone (or more like I didn't try to get to know anyone) who likes the English version of Harry Potter, I haven't got any friends.
(As you can see, I am completely, utterly disregarding my fears at the moment)
But in the end, my first ever proper I-will-talk-to-you-when-you-talk-to-me friendship happened when neither of the aforementioned events occurred. Figures that would happen in a school like Rikkai, and also that my fear of bad grades would have led to it.
Figures.
"Marui-san," I stared horrified at his face.
He smiled reassuringly at me. "It's okay Tsukino-san, nothing's going to happen."
"Nothing?" I asked incredulously, "What do you mean nothing?"
He raised his hands up in surrender. "Okay okay, maybe not nothing, but chill I've got through this a million times."
"I don't care if you've gone through this before! I haven't you got that? Oh god, this is horrible horrible, how could this happen-oh god-oh god-"
"Tsukino-san, you're panicking again," Marui-san deduced aptly.
"Of course I am! This is bad bad bad."
"I thought you panicked enough in lunch."
"I know, but that was like three hours ago, plus it's all more real now!"
"And there I was, thinking you've finally calmed down."
I sighed, and slid down against the wall. Marui-san gently sat down next to me and leaned against the wall too.
"Hey at least it got you to talk!" he joked trying to lighten the situation. I glared- or at least attempted to- and rested my head in my palms.
Marui-san patted my back, and said, "It's okay Tsukino-san. One of my teammates comes here almost every day. If he's still in school with no problem, then nothing's going to happen to us."
His reassurance did little to better the situation.
He added brightly, "Let's keep this as a bonding session!" He shot me a bright beam, which faltered slightly when he saw my expression.
Although I didn't have the urge to hide or scream or generally do the things I feel like doing when my sociophobia worked up, my heart still pounded against my chest, like my irritating house-mate did every night, banging away to glory on his drums.
Marui-san blew a bubble and popped it, infuriating me with his nonchalance. I wondered who this friend of his was, who survived this-this horror every day. I added that to the list of things I-did-not-know-about-the-boy-who-sat-next-to-me-and-didn't-want-to-know-either.
Tick-tock tick-tock.
My imagination started imagining various scenarios- each one more improbable than the first. I felt the silence getting to me- which was very weird since I practically live in silence. I shot the first thing that came to my head out,
"Hey Marui-san, are they going to like eat us in there?"
No stupid brain, stupid stupid brain. Just because you're nervous and surprisingly not scared of the boy next to you anymore, does not make it okay to say stupid things.
Marui-san looked at me weirdly, but fortunately didn't say anything.
I had an intense urge to explain myself, so I said, "I've read many books."
Marui-san nodded understandingly, and popped another bubble. Perhaps hanging out with his extremely different teammates made him immune to stupidity? Either way I thanked god, he didn't comment, I doubt I would have survived the embarrassment otherwise.
We just sat there for a moment leaning against the wall in silence, and I sighed knowing I could do practically nothing but accept the situation.
"Okay how long do we have to wait?"
His smile came back to life after I resigned myself to the situation.
"Well, it depends really; usually we have to wait for at least half-an-hour. Do you have anything to eat, I'm hungry and I missed-"
"You know I still hold you responsible right?"
He faltered in his tirade for a second, and in a slightly toned down voice answered, "Yeah."
I sighed again and lifted my fist, "Let's do this Marui-san."
His reply echoed through the empty hallway.
My day started off normally enough, I woke up at 5 a.m- completed the morning ritual of brushing, taking a bath, changing- and I found myself yawning away to glory as I grabbed the sandwich my dad made me, and walked out of the house.
It was a crisp morning, a little chilly with the sun barely out. There weren't many people around as I hummed my way to school, because let's be honest, not many people walk around at 6:15 in the morning. I figured out by the third day of school that besides a few over-zealous jocks, not many students came to school earlier than 7:45 as school only started at 8:15. So I began leaving at 6:15 arriving around 6:30, and spending time on the roof or classroom completing my homework.
Rikkaidai was beautiful in the morning when there weren't students bustling about making too much noise. Nice and tranquil which suited my tastes of a perfect morning. Even if I had to wake up way too early, it was well worth the loss of sleep.
Half-way there I met Yukimura-san who happened to live nearby, and we set off together to school. We did this every day, since he had tennis practice at around the same time. I was just walking by one day, and he fell into step with me, and since then it became another part of my routine to meet him near a café- which was permanently closed- where he usually would wait for me, since he was always early.
"Good morning Tsukino-san," he said with a smile, and I nodded my head back at him in response. He learnt much faster than Marui-san that I preferred not talking much, and he respected that.
On our way to school we occasionally spoke of what we were doing in class, or basic small talk. Mostly I just enjoyed his soothing presence, and the beautiful morning. Sometimes when I looked up at him, I could see the ethereal glow to him, which was perhaps why everyone called him the 'Child of God.' It was in those quiet moments that you could really appreciate Yukimura-san's sculpted looks.
After reaching school we parted ways and he left to the tennis courts while I moved to the classroom.
On certain days, if I didn't have any homework, I would follow him to the courts and seat myself in the shadow of the trees nearby. The first few practices shocked me, the Tennis Regulars were intense. There was one practice when Yukimura-san and two other boys whom I didn't know, completely annihilated all the senpai in less than an hour. It was downright freaky.
Beyond a point I got used to it, because I came into Rikkaidai knowing I'll meet some crazy people- but I wasn't prepared to the level to which these boys took tennis seriously.
Yukimura-san would stand there with his jacket fluttering off his shoulders- looking every bit of the leader he was. When the other two boys (whom I nicknamed The Rock Hat One and The Eyes Closed Weirdly One or RHO and ECWO) stood next to them, they really did look like they could rule the world.
But compared to the intimidating, commanding, maybe inspiring but downright scary persona Yukimura-san had on the courts, I preferred the gentle, enigmatic and maybe even angelic side of him, the side that greeted me every morning. Perhaps it was because I was a girl, or I didn't play tennis, but I felt the Yukimura-san that tended to the flowers of the roof-top garden was more awe-inspiring than the one who could win matches in a heartbeat if he wanted to.
But either way, Yukimura-san was one unfathomable person.
Marui-san would always wave wildly, whenever he spotted me. Most of the time it was between matches and his face would be stuffed with cake, which would send me into fits of silent giggles. He often gestured for me to come down near the courts, but I always declined. It was hard enough to sit in the shadows, I couldn't even think about being in the sight of the other players. The thought of being near RHO, nearly sent me into a fit of dizziness. Gosh, that could never happen.
As far as my friendship with Marui-san was going, we were still exchanging notes, but we hadn't actually had a conversation yet. As much as I wanted to, I was still slightly uncomfortable with his presence- like it was a tiny needle pricking me. Maybe because his presence was attention-seeking, quirky and quite the opposite of mine- it wasn't easy to settle into.
But his notes were amusing.
After I parted ways with Yukimura-san, I hummed my way to the school terrace, taking the long route and entering through the back entrance. I enjoyed the gentle breeze, as I sat down on one of the benches and removed my Math textbook and began working out problems.
As hard as it was for me to concentrate, I knew I had to work harder than ever if I wanted to get good grades in Rikkai. The syllabus was extremely challenging not to mention, high-school was a huge leap from middle school. I wasn't a genius, but I scored fairly well, because I didn't have many distractions and I had way too much free time.
By 7:45, I made my way down to class. The hustle and bustle of students hadn't started, but there were a fairly large number of students- by my standards- milling about. I entered class, and made my way unnoticed to my seat. Marui-san hadn't arrived yet, so I sat down and stared outside the window.
Of course up till then nothing had happened really.
The day passed on, until Math came up- my favourite class (note the sarcasm).
Sakamoto sensei entered class, and I could feel the temperature drop. She was neither a motherly teacher nor a cold one. She wasn't jovial, or caring, or even a very good teacher.
Sakamoto sensei was a spawn of hell.
I might be exaggerating a teeny bit, but it's true. Her smile hid the evilness that burned within her. Her faux kindness and perkiness were only prelude to the horror of her classes. She was a devil who seemed to take Rikkaidai's motto a little too seriously.
"Winning is the only option."
Not only did I find this repressive, because I like most of the world's population, was not very special or wonderful or genius-like, but I found that there were people who agreed with it (or were forced to?)
Yukimura-san and Marui-san certainly believed it, if their tennis practices were anything to go by.
It was poison that filled the halls of Rikkaidai, you could feel it everywhere.
In Rikkaidai, there was a clear line between winners and losers. You can't escape the tug-of-war between the two. The constant pull-push, pull-push, push-pull- every person being silently judged, each step up the ladder pushes another down. The social scene was constantly changing. Every error at the top brought you close to the bottom; but every win didn't take you to the top- you had to make the right friends, choose the right circles, personality- it was a vicious cycle, where every move made a difference.
The motto had led to a school of a pack of people bloodthirsty for attention, because in the end if you didn't get it, you ceased to exist in the hallways of Rikkai because everything was based on your social standing. Losing literally wasn't an option, not just a figure of speech. If you can't make a name for yourself, you become a ghost in the school, just a name in the class register- you simply are there, your presence becomes unnecessary- you could disappear and no one would notice.
Even friendship becomes a tool of social standing. The popular stuck with the popular, the nerds with the nerds, the dancers with the dancers, the artists with the artists- as long as you do something of value in your own little niche, Rikkaidai accepts you.
Sakamoto sensei was a strong believer in this "survival of the fittest" concept.
But at that point of time when she entered class, her personal passion for dystopia was less of an issue than her obvious distaste towards the normal people.
Her eyes noticed everything, but she showed blatant favouritism to those select few who mattered in her- I obviously was not one of them.
As much as I hated her, my natural tendency to avoid conflict made sure I didn't get into her bad books. I kept silent in class, sticking to my wallflower personality, not making her angry in anyway. Of course Marui-san was not a believer in the concept of peace and non-violence.
It started off simple enough, just another note passed in class.
Yo Tsukino-chan, show me your math classwork.
Marui-san, perhaps it would be more suitable to listen in class.
Waaah, what fun is that? I can just copy off you.
At that he tilted his chair back and stretched his arms behind his back in utter nonchalance which infuriated me to no end.
Marui-san I will not let you do that.
Says who?
Says me.
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
Well considering the fact that you've shown me your classwork earlier, I don't think it'll be very hard for me convince you.
He shot me a wink, and leaned back obviously proud of himself.
My face wrinkled at the sight of his arrogance. He saw my expression and his smile increased ten-fold, his violet eyes twinkled and he shot me self-satisfied smirk.
"Why you little…." I threatened him with a fist swinging right to face, rubbing that stupid smirk off (in my mind of course). How mean of him to take advantage of my one moment of weakness!
Of course he didn't stop there.
Pass me the classwork Tsukino-chan.
You can't make me.
I jutted my head up in a petulant fashion, and crossed my arms to show my refusal.
He raised a brow at me, popped a bubble, before bending down to scribble a note on the corner of his notebook and tearing it and placing it on my desk. I picked it up, smoothed it and read.
Oh yeah?
I scribbled my answer back.
Yeah.
Mind you, this entire note exchanging thing was happening during class hours, during math period, during Sakamoto sensei's period- a small fact that seemed to have slipped my mind.
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
Oh yeah?
YES.
Knowing that the conversation would go on forever, I turned my attention back to my book in order to do my small contribution to save the environment by not wasting any more scraps of paper.
A paper was placed pretty violently on my desk.
I shall make you regret it otherwise.
This time I raised a brow and looked at him. His expression was challenging, his eyes alight with mischief.
And how do you propose to do that?
He shot me a very innocent look, before clearing his throat softly.
No no he wouldn't do he? Oh god, he might.
My mind started spinning as Marui-san teasingly started standing up, and he lifted his hands. His eyes met mine, and it burned with question. Was I prepared for this?
It was incredibly unfair that he was taking advantage of my extreme susceptibility to fear. But I knew he wouldn't do that, because as far as I knew Marui-san, he seemed like a genuinely nice person who wouldn't take advantage of others' weaknesses.
Oh who am I kidding? He could do anything.
Perhaps it was my fear and annoyance and his amusement at my plight that blinded us to the fact that we were actually supposed to be paying attention in class. I didn't usually act like this, Marui-san brought out the worst in me.
He stood up completely and turned one last time to look at me, and he gestured to my book. I clutched it protectively against my chest and I shook my head furiously. He shot me a, 'Don't tell me I didn't warn you' look, which got me out of my seat too. He opened his mouth-
"May I know what you two are doing?"
-and promptly shut it. Before us stood Sakamoto sensei in all her ugly, scary, demon-like beauty.
"I said what are you two doing?"
One of her hands was held against her waist and the other clutched a piece of chalk. Only then did I notice the vast number of problems she had solved on the board, and the silence that reigned in the classroom as thirty odd students scribbled down notes.
Later I would thank god that they were far too busy to watch the incident unfold before their eyes, and that Sakamoto-sensei was speaking softly- although her soft tone was like needles piercing through your skin, it lasts for a short period of time, pains for at least a week.
Her tiny brown eyes squinted at us in her very large face with a wobbling double-chin. She lifted her pudgy hand at me.
I froze and gulped.
"Hand me those notes."
My hand quivered, and my eyes shot rapidly between sensei and Marui-san. He seemed to get the message, so he called out.
"What notes sensei?"
In that moment sensei looked away, I deftly pushed all the noted scattered on my desk to the ground.
"Oh you know very well what I'm talking about. You didn't think I'd notice your little tête-à-tête?" She waved her hands around, and turned back to me.
I could feel my body tremble and mind racing.
"I said hand me the notes."
"I don't have any notes." My answer surprised me- I had never ever spoken back to a teacher.
Next to me Marui-san shot me an encouraging smile.
Her eyes flashed.
"I'll ask you one more time, where are those notes?"
"I don't know sensei," I answered boldly, my knees buckling and my mind desperately tried to get my tongue under control. Beside me, Marui-san held back a snicker.
Sensei licked her lips and bent forward.
"Do you want to get into trouble?"
"What if I do?" I shrugged nonchalantly, but as soon as I said it, I wanted to take my words back. Even if she was disgusting, she was my teacher and I couldn't talk like that. My heart hammered under my chest, and my hand trembled. The word 'sorry' was on my lips, but it died when she straightened, a sense of purpose in her eyes,
"Now listen little girl-" She didn't even know my name, which in another situation would've made me happy, but at that moment felt very insulting. "-I don't know what you're up to, but I want you to listen here. In Rikkaidai we value only achievers, not mere participants," she spat out the word like it disgusted her. "Marui-san," she gestured, "is part of a nationally ranked tennis team along with Yukimura-san, whom I'm sure you would have heard of. Funaki-san," the high-heeled girl, "is the lead vocalist of the school's choir, which incidentally has been chosen to represent our school at the National Level." As if she had an extra-sense towards compliments Funaki-san perked up and glanced in my direction. "Ikeda-san is representing Japan in the Physics Olympiad coming August."
"This school, my students," She waved around the room, "have topped every field one can." She stopped and bent forward once more. "May I know what you're good at little girl?" She gave me a look, and I bowed my head. "Pathetic. Perhaps when you reach a stage where you can actually skive off classes, only then should you allow yourself to blatantly not pay attention." She rapped my desk with her knuckles and straightened, leaving me shaking.
As she turned to Marui-san, I felt the great injustice of her accusing me without knowing any of the facts.
"Marui-san-" her expression had morphed into one of gently disappointment. "I had expected better from you," she sighed deeply as if the fact deeply pained her. "As much as I don't want to, I must ask you to report for detention today after school." She smiled at him sweetly, shocking me with her complete complete partiality.
Marui-san didn't respond to her, but simply glared until her smile dropped. She huffed slightly, "Very well, I shall see you and your little friend in the staffroom after school." With a swish she turned and the smart thing to do was to sit down, and accept the punishment quietly. And that's what I should've done, and that's what I would've done normally.
But at that point of time, my sociophobia or my wallflower instincts decided to turn off, and blood rushed to my head. My mind chanted, calm down calm down but I could not calm down, because it was wrong of her, wrong of her to believe that just because I didn't win tournaments or top classes, I was a loser and not worth her time. Sociophobia made me want to avoid people, but that didn't make me dumb or incapable- and at that moment I felt angry which was a rare phenomenon. Now I wanted to scream that out to the world, but luckily I was not that brave or that stupid, so instead I tugged her hand and when she turned, I shot her a sickly sweet smile and said, "Sensei what are you good at?"
Now if I had stopped for a moment and assessed my facts, perhaps I would have saved myself a lot of embarrassment. Or even better of I had stopped and realised the possibility of people looking at me, maybe my sociophobia would have worked up, and I would have been spared the pain.
But of course I didn't do that.
Her face morphed into a look of confusion, so I clarified, "You accused me of being useless, but what are good at?"
She looked shocked, and Marui-san snickered beside me. I did a mental victory dance at her expression, and congratulated myself on speaking out for the first time. I thought, Hell maybe I'm not too bad at this. Maybe I'm not a weak sociophobe.
But her expression changed, and her lips curved into a derisive smile. She bent forward and said, "I've worked at this institution for ten years. I've been awarded several times for my teaching. I'm good at assessing the worth of my students, and when I look at you, I know you're not worth it. I know you aren't going to top the class or win anything. Aren't I right Tsukino-san?"
My blood ran cold, and the trembling came back. All the hot-headiness had faded away, leaving behind the usual fear.
I had lost the battle.
She knew it too, as she smiled satisfied with herself. She turned and walked back. "I'll see you both in detention."
Her heels clacked against the floor, and I could practically see her smugness.
Marui-san turned to me, and exclaimed, "I can't believe her! How could she say things like that? Fucking-" He stopped midway and looked at me.
I could feel tears prickling in my eyes, my heart was pounding against my chest, and my body was trembling. I couldn't believe I had done something so rash and stupid! The one time I decided to throw caution to the wind- it backfired horribly. I tried to calm down but I couldn't. Marui-san tried talking again, but he fell silent when I waved my hand at him to shut up. He kept shooting me concerned looks until the period got over.
After the bell rang, my mind stopped racing and only then did her words sink into my brain. The way she insulted me didn't hurt me, being insulted wasn't new, but the fact that I had detention freaked me out.
Detention!
I gathered my things, and walked slowly out of class to the roof in a daze. I felt Marui-san run after me, and he fell into step with me. In silence we climbed up the stairs and entered the roof. We sat down on the bench, until he finally spoke, "That was really brave of you."
No it wasn't.
"It's okay; people get angry all the time with her."
But I don't.
"You should forget about it."
I'm trying.
Marui-san soon got tired of this one-sided conversation, and stopped talking.
I felt guilty of making him go through the torture of trying to comfort me so piqued up, "I've never spoken back to a teacher you know." I spread my hands on my lap, and looked up at the sky. Marui-san glanced at me in surprise, half because of my answer, half because I spoke.
"Never ever? Even if they spoke like this to you?"
"Yeah," I sighed, "I'm a good student Marui-san. I don't like disrespecting teachers."
He jumped up from his seat. He threw his hands in the air and exclaimed, "She deserved it!"
I laughed a little, "Maybe she did, but still I was the one who lost in the end."
"Well, she may have won the battle, but you can win the war."
I blinked at him.
"That's pretty deep Marui-san."
He clutched his chest wounded. "I'm a genius Tsukino-chan. Haven't you seen me play tennis?"
I giggled, "Not really Marui-san."
His eyes widened, "You haven't?"
I shook my head.
"Well then you have to come next week for the district tournament. You will be blown away my skills." He popped a bubble, and his violet eyes twinkled.
"Okay."
"Yes!" He punched the air above his head and threw me a grin.
"So let me give you a short summary of how the game works, so you can understand the awesomeness that is Rikkai, when you watch us."
He began talking about the different nuances of tennis, and I felt a surge of affection for the boy with violet eyes for all he was doing to comfort me. So I sat there contentedly and listened to him imitate the different strokes of tennis, and he pulled me into his intricate web of humour and joy, and the lunch hour passed in a blink of the eye.
"So this is how the ball lands after my genius Tightrope walking move and-"
Just then the bell rang, and I realised that we had missed lunch. I immediately felt extremely guilty.
"I'm sorry Marui-san, I made you miss lunch!"
He shrugged, "It's okay." Then his face lit up with mischief, "Maybe you can make it up to me by buying me cake later." He winked, and I laughed.
"Sure sure."
He grinned and walked towards the door. I stood up and followed him, shaking my head at his antics. I realised, Marui-san was a very very nice person.
And that's how I found myself pacing in front of the staffroom with Marui-san after school. Although I wasn't angry or upset, I was still panicking and freaking out of the idea of detention.
Well I had finally made a proper friend so I guess it was okay.
That wasn't too bad was it?
No it was Marui-san, it was very bad.
Waaaah.
A/N: Another chapter yayyyy! :D
A few notes:
Note 1: The way I write about sociophobia is solely how I see it. I'm not sociophobic, nor do I know anyone who is. Everything is based on what google taught me, and my own imagination. I'm sorry if I get it wrong.
Note 2: The last chapter was extremely sucky, so if you happen to see the story again with no new chapter, then it's probably because I've gone back and edited it.
Note 3: READ AND REVIEW PEOPLE :D
~Dragonseatingme