Ever Present 4
"Was it you?" Caroline whispered as she reached a fingertip from beneath the blanket she had wrapped herself into, gingerly holding the digit a millimetre away from where she saw Kate's jaw line. If she moved any closer would the bubble burst?
"What? The record?" Kate asked in surprise. "No." Kate looked from Caroline to the ceiling. "She had a rather large collection, even you were bound to recognise some of them…" She teased.
Caroline narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "It could have been you…can you do that kind of thing? Your spirit?"
"Why would I? Haven't I been encouraging you?" Kate reasoned.
Caroline thought about this quietly, how to explain, whether she should… "Well, the you that I see, the one I'm talking to now, yes…"
Kate looked doubtful as she waited for Caroline to continue.
"But you're surely just a figment, which I am creating? If there is another you… if people go on… a spirit… maybe the real Kate… the spirit, maybe she isn't happy? Maybe she's jealous…"
Kate stared at her, her eyes large and unblinking until she sighed and shrugged. "I don't know what you're on about, I'm just a figment… far too complicated…"
Caroline glared at her a moment and wrapped the blanket more tightly around herself.
XXXX
"Hi…"
"Hello?" Caroline asked sharply, expecting an emergency at the sound of the phone this late at night..
"Hi, sorry, hello, it's um Rose…"
"Rose." Caroline repeated, feeling her stomach lurch a little. Caroline had given Rose her number weeks ago, she had never used it before.
"Sorry, I probably shouldn't have called, I was just having a drink and… I saw you today…" Rose informed.
Caroline cringed, she had known she should have approached Rose at playgroup today but she felt so ridiculous after their last encounter, embarrassed.
"I saw you too." Caroline replied after a moment. "Sorry I didn't come over…"
"That's alright, you don't have to, I'm not the playgroup police…" Rose slurred slightly, attempting to sound light hearted.
"No but, I should have said hello. I just… felt a little foolish…" Caroline admitted. "After the BBQ… rushing off like that."
"Foolish is not a word I would equate with you Caroline…" Rose protested.
"You really don't know me that well…" It had meant to be self deprecating but she was now worried about the truth in the statement and the silence on the other end of the line.
"I know you said… explained… why you ran out. Is that? Was that… really it? It wasn't anything to do with me? Or my friends? We can be a little… full on…"
"It wasn't that." Caroline assured.
"Do you mind me asking…? What was the song…?" Rose enquired quietly.
Caroline inhaled sharply. "It was Roberta Flack. Will you still love me tomorrow?"
"Oooh. Good song." Rose commented automatically.
"Yes. It was a very good song, at a good time." Caroline agreed.
"I'm sorry for prying, I do that." Rose confessed simply.
A sigh. "It's alright. I just don't talk about it much." Caroline explained. "I mean I talk about Kate, to Flora and her mother and other people that knew her. I just tend not to talk about Kate and me, our relationship. I suppose people know not to ask."
"I wouldn't mind, if you ever wanted to talk about it." Rose offered.
Would that be weird? Caroline wondered. They were friends after all. "The song…" Caroline decided. "It was the first time I'd ever danced with a woman." A small offering, not quite the revelation that Rose may have been hoping to uncover, but a small disclosure, a step towards trust.
"Wow." Rose remarked quietly.
Caroline felt a tear in the corner of her eye and swallowed away the pain with a mouthful of Rjoca. It had been so much more than that but how would she ever explain that? Only Kate understood that.
"Are you taking Simon to Peggy's birthday party on Saturday?" Caroline asked suddenly, clearing her throat.
"Of course! It's the three year olds' social occasion of the year! Not to be missed." Rose joked.
"Then, I'll see you there." Caroline promised.
"Okay." Rose agreed, smiling into the phone. "I'll see you there. Goodnight Caroline."
"Goodnight Rose." Caroline replied.
XXX
Caroline pushed the heavy glass door as the entrance buzzer sounded and Flora rushed through the gap eagerly, only hesitating as she came up against the imposing sight of the high reception desk.
A young uniformed woman that Caroline didn't recognise stood smiling on the other side. She must be new. It had been a while since their last visit.
Caroline picked up the pen and began to scribble her name in the signing in book, keeping one eye on Flora who had now began to drift slowly toward the shiny metal door of the lift, a finger already poised.
"Flora! Not that way sweetheart." Caroline called.
Another nurse appeared at this moment and grinned first at the tot and then at Caroline. "Hello you two!" She greeted. "Well Mr McKenzie is in for a treat today!"
"Hi Vera." Caroline replied as she remembered the carer fondly. "You Okay?"
"I am always Okay." The woman dismissed, coming around the desk to get a closer look at Flora. "My haven't you grown young lady!" She exclaimed, bending low to address the girl directly.
Flora stared at the woman silently, holding her bear tightly in front of her chest.
"Shall I take you to see your Grandaddy?" She asked, holding a hand out to the child.
Flora nodded several times but did not take the proffered hand.
"Come on then!" Vera said, leading the way down the long corridor. "Let's go and see what we can see."
Caroline followed the pair and watched as Vera knocked on the familiar door.
"Veronica's here to see him, she'll be very happy to see you both too." Vera assured as she opened the door and breezed in.
"Well, Mr McKenzie, what a birthday treat we have in store today!" She called. Vera bustled in, making her way to the bed, automatically scanning the still gentleman lying propped up in the bed, putting a quick back of her hand gently to his face to see how warm he was, a hand to his wrist in what Caroline thought was a comforting gesture.
The woman, who sat by the bed, rose as Caroline nodded for Flora to enter the room and came to greet them, Kate's aunt Veronica, they had met many times since Kate's death though never when she was alive.
"Caroline, my dear. I'm so happy that you came." Veronica gushed, wrapping her arms around Caroline's slightly stiff figure.
"Of course." Caroline mumbled into a shoulder.
"And this Angel! Come and say hello to your Auntie Ronnie!" The older woman called as she crouched as low as she could and held her arms wide for a hesitant Flora.
Whatever assessment Flora was making, it would appear that Ronnie had passed and the little girl bounced into her arms for a moment of cuddle.
"Ahhhhh, you are so lovely!" Ronnie told her as the embrace broke and she struggled up from her position, a hand reaching out to the bed for support.
"Would you be able to come and show Grandpa how lovely you are? It's his very special day today, it's his birthday and I am sure he would love it!"
Caroline was less sure. The man in the bed had not moved or given any sign of recognition since they entered and did not seem to be watching the exchange, instead staring past them as if he saw something no one else could see.
He had been like this for some time now, slowly he was getting worse, when Caroline had first met him, he had had the odd good day. The day where he had called Kate his ex wife's name and reached a hand out to her, or the day he had seemed to laugh at a silly story that Kate had been telling him. But more often than not, he just wasn't there.
Vera had quickly, without fuss, extricated herself from the room and left the family to their privacy, touching a hand to Caroline's arm and quickly offering her a smile as she did so.
Flora had ignored Ronnie's request and had shrugged off her pink back pack and was tugging at the zip, whilst trying to pull at the contents. Caroline moved to her daughter and swept her up, bag and all, settling her on the wide bed within reaching distance of the occupant. She stood at the edge of the bed and Flora continued to fiddle with the back pack, managing to free a Barbie doll wearing a crushed ball gown and one shoe.
Ronnie stood gazing at her brother and Caroline followed her eyes to his face which had turned to the sound of the small noises that Flora made to herself as she moved the doll to sit beside her on the bed.
The blank features had suddenly come alive, the eyes focusing on the sight of the child before him, the flat line of his mouth curving to a sweet smile. All at once it was like switching him on, giving his engine a jump start. He slowly reached a wrinkled hand toward an oblivious Flora who had managed to get some kind of purple furry racoon creature from her bag.
He made a sound in his throat, perhaps trying to speak and finally his fingers found her coat and brushed against her hood, trying to reach the tight curls that hung there. He tried again, more successfully and his smile grew as he touched a curl.
Flora noticed him now and looked him in the eye before looking back to Caroline for assurance.
"This Grandpa?" She checked.
Caroline nodded as she noticed Ronnie with a hand covering her mouth and tears in her eyes standing at the foot of the bed.
"It's okay sweetheart." Caroline assured. "This is your Mama's Daddy. You can say hello, he'd like that."
Flora studied the old man's face thoughtfully as he reached his hand to gently stroke her head, which fit neatly into his large palm.
He tried to speak again; a croaky sound emerged before finally he managed. "Kate."
Caroline felt her own eyes filling and wrapped her arms around herself.
Flora recognised the name and smiled. "Yes my Mama was Kate!" She told the man importantly, holding her dolly out to him in a gesture of friendship.
If only. And as Caroline had the thought she saw Kate sitting in the chair on the opposite side of the bed. If only she had been here to see this, just once.
"Look at him!" Kate said excitedly. "He sees her!"
Caroline nodded. He sees you. She thought. He was haunted by his own ghosts.
The man took the doll and stared strangely as he turned it over in his hand, as if he had never seen such a thing before, he let it go and once again returned his hand to Flora, placing a hand on her arm.
"You want bear?" Flora asked seriously as she noticed her earlier offering had been discarded.
Peter again took the offered gift and examined it intently, this time holding it between both hands and seeming to really feel the texture.
Kate was leaning forward in her seat, elbows on her pushed together knees, staring at her father.
"She likes you Dad, she wouldn't offer him to just anybody." Kate commented, her voice thick with emotion. "She's your granddaughter." Kate told him. "She's finally here. I knew you'd like to meet her."
Of course he didn't hear the words and he may not have even if Kate had really been here, but he smiled a peaceful smile and sat with his eyes on Flora as she played contently with her toys. His eyes even followed her as she finally got bored of her own things and crawled across the bed to where a large vase of colourful fresh flowers stood, her intent clearly to pull them into her own grasp. Caroline rushed around the bed in the nick of time and as she did so, Kate disappeared.
"No, no, no Flora. Do not tip the flowers; you'll get Grandpa's bed all wet." Caroline informed.
Xxx
Caroline said goodbye to Ronnie and promised to visit her at home in a couple of weeks so she could spend a little more time with her Grand niece.
"Thank you so much for bringing Flora. Kate … would have… she would have loved it." Ronnie had added as they parted ways.
Caroline nodded and turned away, fussing with Flora's jacket and leading the little girl in the direction of the jeep.
As they drove away, Flora waved happily from the window and Caroline took a breath that released a host of emotion, feeling it rattle its way up, like an old cart on the big dipper and pause before rushing away along the well worn track.
She realised quickly that she wasn't ready to drive home, to go into the house and stay there for the rest of the day playing the morning over and over in her mind, the look on Kate's face as she watched her father with Flora. It amazed Caroline in how real it felt every single time she saw her like this.
Caroline glanced in the rear view mirror; Flora was alert, not flagging yet. She made her decision and pushed at a button on the small panel that connected to the hands free phone. She had made her choice before she gave herself time to question it, to question herself.
"Rose, hi. It's Caroline, Flora's mum."
"Caroline! Hi! It's good to hear from you!" Rose admitted quickly, a little surprise in her voice.
"Yes, yes. I was just … calling. I don't know what you and Simon are up to today and you're probably busy…" She rambled.
"No!" Rose jumped in. A breath and she tried to sound less eager. "Actually, we just went to our usual Thursday morning playgroup only to find that the centre was flooded last night in the storm and they're shut. Simon was really disappointed. I was just wracking my brain for somewhere else to take him…"
"Oh! I suppose that your bad luck is my good fortune then… if you don't mind a bit of company. We could meet at the garden centre, do you know it? Brookes? There is a lovely café and a bit of a play area beside it."
"Yes, I know where you mean. We'd love to!" Rose agreed. "When?"
"We'll set off now. 20 minutes?" Caroline asked happily.
"Great, see you soon." Rose agreed.
Xxx
A/N- Thank you to everyone still reading, I know this is slow and painful at the moment. I am planning to move things along more in the next chapter. Thanks as always to Shallotpeel xx