Disclaimer: What's this? What's this Ichigo will be able to regain his powers? My Kubo-sensei how you love to spoil your fans and we love you for it!
A/N As we move into the new year I, SLY, am determined to finish all WIP's in between writing the Holiday shots that I'm currently working on. So if you follow fics like Shades, Drunken SeaHorse, etc I thank you for your patience.
Now as for ConArtist…I don't honestly understand why this story is popular but nevertheless I feel inspired to stretch it out a bit more. Breaking the finale into parts. (DUCKS FLYING OBJECTS!)
For Miszxbrii, yes rose bushes are pretty aren't they?
Enjoy!
StarrkxIchigo, OthersIchigo, semi-gender benders (you'll see what I mean when it gets there) language, spelling, grammar, crack, humor, parody, my own spin on fortune tellers and the powers they possess, etc, etc
CONARTIST IS SUCH A STRONG WORD!
Sure fire way to catch the berry: Pose as a gardener?
FINALE SIDE A (The rest is soon to follow)
Life is like a fairy tale.
The fairy tale being played out right now-
Goldilocks and the 3 bears.
Only there wasn't a little blond girl sleeping in Ichigo's King size bed but a full-grown man.
Not one to jump to the worst conclusions right off the bat Ichigo took in the scene-checking to see if everything was as he had left it.
The window still partially open, guitar still propped up against the closet, alarm clock lay behind the dresser.
Yep everything was as it should be.
'Everything except him.'
He wouldn't put it past Rukia to have something to do with this stranger in his bed. The raven-haired girl got a real kick out of putting Ichigo in awkward situations.
Ichigo should be yelling right now-forcing the man to get up and explain himself.
But he looked so peaceful and oddly enough like he kind of belonged in Ichigo's bed.
And not only did the stranger look like he belonged in Ichigo's bed he also reminded the orange haired male of a certain half dog/half wolf he had seen when he went to the animal shelter on weekends during his child hood years.
Because of his mother's severe allergies to animals she had never let Ichigo take it home but day after day he would come back and visit.
"Butterscotch." Ichigo mumbled under his breath just then-the scent had suddenly wafted up his nose-
But why would Ichigo suddenly smell butterscotch?
Or more importantly why did it not make him gag like usual.
Normally Ichigo hated butterscotch but at this very moment in time it seemed like the greatest scent in the world.
It seemed to be getting stronger and stronger as the young male neared closer and closer to the bed.
Was it possible that the scent of butterscotch was coming from the man passed out on the bed?
()()()
Fearing that she may have indeed over done it on the drinking, Rangiku leapt off the bed so damn fast she nearly broke her neck on the collection of liquor bottles scattered around her room when a black fox with golden paws and tail appeared on her window sill.
Before manifesting itself into its true form.
Bangs framing her pointed chin, while the rest of her hair was held back in tight braids spilling down her back.
A scowl perfectly in place as she raised her gold painted nails before turning to narrow deep gray eyes at the human.
Rangiku frowned. Damn this is not who she was expecting.
"What is it you want from Yoruichi-sama?"
She rubbed her powder blues hoping it was just her imagination-
"Well?"
The ginger blonde let out a curse and stumbled back to her bed missing the look of disgust on the fox-woman's face.
Slipping on her mint green bathrobe and tying it around her waist (there was no sense in even trying to butter Soifon up)
"Alright I understand that you have other things to do besides play messenger but I wouldn't have even contacted Yoruichi if it wasn't an absolute must."
Soifon crossed her arms, golden tail swinging behind her. "You have 5 minutes Matsumoto Rangiku. Speak."
()()()
Ichigo wasn't a pervert-he was curious like a car inspecting new unknown territory-well technically there was nothing new about the territory since it was his room-his bed-his-
The goateed male kicked his leg just then once again reminding the orange haired male of a dog/wolf.
He almost wanted to laugh-wondering if he was to say dance his finger tips lightly under the man's belly would the stranger kick his leg even more-perhaps the man would not only kick his leg but let out a bark or something in his sleep-further encourage Ichigo's petting?
Or perhaps he'd awaken from his slumber and attack Ichigo-not that the orange berry would object exactly.
Once again Ichigo wondered why a very good-looking male-oh yes this stranger was quite the sight-the slight goatee, the lips-ah the fuller upper lip said it all-unique, a slightly different shade then the man's lower lip but no less desirable-
()()()
As sleeping brawny continued to slumber certain urges began to over take the berry.
What if he were to knock that stupid bucket hat off the man's head and curl a finger around natural wavy looking locks of hair falling just past the strangers' collar bone?
What if he went and unzipped the man's jacket the rest of the way down-run his fingers along broad but finely boned shoulders, masculine looking pecs (Ichigo had never cared much for these particular body parts but now as said body parts strained against the thin gray material he might have to reevaluate his opinion on the matter)
He wished to run his fingers along the man's torso (rather fascinated by how it seemed slim yet soft-kind of like a pillow-not to be confused with pudge-but not-well it was kind of difficult to explain-
Bottom line was Ichigo decided that the stranger looked quite comfortable.
In between his "dating sessions" with Nel Ichigo had hooked up with random guys every now and then (liking each one for different reasons) but he remembered always frowning when he would go to lie down on their chest or stomach-it was like sleeping on a rock. So not appealing to a guy like him with an oversensitive body type.
Shaking his head from his thoughts of the past better left buried and forgotten-Ichigo continued his inspection of the stranger.
Cinnamon and coffee brown eyes moved down to strong wide hips and thighs-suggesting sturdiness like that of a bull or a wolf-mystical and wild creatures known for having an incredible amount of power in their legs.
And while the orange haired male didn't exactly have a hip or thigh fetish he felt his face grow warm as he continued to drink in the stranger on his bed.
If Rukia was indeed behind this man's appearance well then…Ichigo might just have to thank her.
()()()
Once the bubbly ginger-blonde human had stopped babbling long enough to get to the facts-the black haired fox-chick felt a smile threaten to break out onto her face.
On the outside Soifon's face remained as blank as ever but on the inside she couldn't help herself from giggling like a school girl.
So Kurosaki Ichigo is finally entering into his second stage of his existence is he? Has it really been that many years?
Soifon had met the orange youth once years ago-she had even held him for a few minutes finding a sense of calm and light wash over her-until the shameless shitty bastard Urahara Kisuke cooed at her, stating that the glow of motherhood would soften her rough edges.
And Yoruichi-sama had been entirely unhelpful and laughed along with the blond.
Sofion had wanted to punch someone or something but then she felt tiny hands tug on her black bangs and her expression softened once more at the sight of big brown eyes-
You're not so bad for a drooling brat
She had muttered just loud enough so only the orange haired baby would hear. And much to her surprise and secret delight the bundle of joy smiled at her-it was like he knew despite being so young.
Soifon shook her head. Now was not the time to get all stupid and nostalgic-perhaps when she returned to the castle she could ask Yoruichi-sama to-
She shook her head more firmly banishing her thoughts before they could fully manifest-baby carriages, bonnets and balloons-what the hell had come over her?
'Not happening. Not happening. I have no desire to be a mother! But maybe I can be a-'
()()()
Rangiku did not miss the slight barely there smile on the fox woman's face.
Soifon was up to something-she just hoped ad prayed it wouldn't scar Ichigo for life.
"Very well," the fox woman said at last "I shall complete the ceremony that you yourself have already started but," eyes twinkling "I will be adding a slight addition."
Rangiku opened her mouth to question the shorter woman/fox about said "addition" but Soifon didn't give her a verbal answer instead she simply handed her a see through box with a golf size white-blue orb.
Rangiku's powder blues widened at the sight.
"But I thought-wasn't this-
()()()
Soifon rolled her eyes. Foolish humans always so quick to jump to the wrong conclusion-
"You will hand it to the goateed gardener poser before the week comes to an end, that is all."
Rangiku frowned and not knowing what else to do she placed the item into the pocket of her bathrobe.
()()()
Moving into a straddle like position Ichigo was careful not to rest his weight on top of the stranger. The orange haired male brought his head down-strategically placing it just so his lips hovered over the other man's.
Facial hair, however sparse, never held the kind of appeal or anticipation as it was at this very moment.
()()
Probably dating back to the ancestors he knew very little about, Starrk was always on high alert-always knew when someone or something had entered into his personal space long before they made a motion or sound to show they were there.
In addition the gray-eyed male had an excellent sense of smell far surprising the average human-be it through a closed door or open window-a tiny speck of dust floating through the air he could detect instantly.
So when the smell of hazelnut invaded his senses Starrk could tell something was happening.
If he were the type to gamble he'd bet his money that Lady Rangiku was somehow behind this.
Sincerely hoping that the flirtatious woman hadn't let her very bad habit get the best of her-hoped she hadn't pulled out her tea leaves and decided to play with old gypsy magic.
Stubborn sex-starved women who could not keep their hands to themselves-who refused to let nature run it's natural course.
On the other hand Starrk was rather flattered that Lady Rangiku was so determined to get him together with the orange berry.
But tealeaves and a summoning? If the woman wasn't careful she could-
Warm breath ghosted over his face-stopping Starrk's thought process-
The hazelnut scent becoming even stronger-Starrk knew it was his human heater hovering above him and was actually quite enjoying the moment however…
The Coyote was first and far most a gentleman and tealeaves or not he would not take advantage of Ichigo.
Besides he still had a roll to play.
()()()
Ichigo felt his face grow even warmer when deep sleepy gray eyes opened at last-
The orange haired male wasn't really quite sure what he should do or say-
Words spilling out of his mouth-
"So on a scale of one to ten what would you rate my bed?"
He immediately slapped a hand over his mouth. He had not just said something so stupid had he?
()()
Powder blues opened. Rangiku found herself lying on the floor-the fox woman Soifon gone, the empty bottles of liquor still remained.
She couldn't remember falling asleep. Couldn't remember much of anything except for the damn orb which felt heavy in her pocket.
She sat up with a sigh-deciding that she was getting way too old for this and concluded that she would have to get in contact with both the bBrry and the Coyote.
Well perhaps just the Coyote for a start-the orange haired male was rather annoyed with her the last time she tried to pry in his life and-
()()()
Starrk raised a brow. Hmm unexpected. Playful. He could work with that.
Pushing himself into a half sitting position he rested his back against the headboard of the bed and offered the orange haired male a grin. "Well I'm not an expert and perhaps I'm just being biased because of its owner (he winked) but that was hands down the best nap I've had in years."
It was too cute how Ichigo's partially flushed face flushed even more just then-even cuter how the berry tried to play it "cool"
"Well anyway I wanted to take a nap or at least that was the plan but it's kind of impossible since you're laying on it and all. Not that I don't mind sharing but uh-look contrary to what Rukia might have told you I don't just fall into bed with strangers. I don't even know your name-well even if I did know your name I still wouldn't do anything and-why are you looking at me like that?"
Hmm…now how should Starrk answer this?
Where should they go from here?
It was a bit hard to concentrate on much of anything when the berry was still hovering over him-twisting is too tight t-shirt in between his fingers-awarding Starrk with a glimpse a perfectly toned belly-that simple strip of peach skin-the temptation to dart his tongue out and lick it was there.
No doubt if the Coyote played his cards right he could get Ichigo to put the ride back into little red riding hood-hmm a thought/fantasy best reserved for a later date-
Not that he cared much for costumes but-
'Starrk this is not the way we practiced it! You are supposed to be impersonating a gardener remember!'
Head back where it should be-his inner conscience sounding so much like his sister Lil once more, Starrk gently pushed the younger male away, moved off the bed, grabbing his hat and replacing it back on his head.
It almost hurt to see his berry-to-be looking so dejected a moment or two later but it was much too soon to just jump right into things-
"Forgive my lack of manners, I am Coyote Starrk, you're new gardener. With my brilliant vision and Howling Landscapes guarantee for Perfection your back yard will be ten times more beautiful then you've ever dreamed it could be."
Starrk you idiot! Don't go making promises you can't keep. I told you not to over do it and here you are-
Starrk silenced his inner conscience lili-wannabee and waited for Ichigo's response.
The orange haired male looked above and beyond confused.
"Wait a minute! You mean to tell me that you're not some random male escort hired by Rukia but that you're my new gardener?"
"Don't sound so disappointed." Even though he knew he shouldn't have, Starrk raised his hand to the youth's cheek-cradling it "It's not that I'm not flattered by your compliments but isn't it your wish to complete your mother's garden?
The orange berry did not get a chance to answer this particular question because at that very moment the door slammed open.
"Sorry to interrupt Ichigo-sama but I think the dryer and washing machine broke down again and-what are youdoing in the young master's chambers?"
Starrk was not the kind of man to judge a person within less than 2 minutes of meeting them however this new comer-
Based on her too short skirt and loud colored apron, he concluded that the plum-haired woman was a maid.
He did not like how her upturned pigsnout twitched, did not like the way her lilac and amethyst colored eyes swept over the young master-completely disregarding professional boundary lines as she put her soot covered fingers on the orange haired males' chest-pushing herself in between him and Ichigo.
The tramp of a woman was now raking her purple painted claws along Ichigo's exposed arms.
Starrk did not like it one fucking bit!
Nor did he like the fact that the young master was just standing there and letting the woman-
He was not a jealous man but-
"Cirucci you don't have to come to me every time something breaks down. Just go to Kazeshini or Nemu or I-
"I won't lower myself to associating with such trash and besides," cranberry black painted lips curled into a smirk as she stood on her tiptoes and whispered the rest of the sentence into the young master's ear.
()()()
Ichigo let out a sigh when the woman finally pulled away. "Alright Cirucci if I go and give P Plumbing a call will you be kind enough to show uh-Starrk was it?"
"Mmm hmm."
()()()
Starrk was glad that Ichigo had finally returned his attention on to him-but he didn't like the way the younger male seemed to have suddenly put up a wall-the warmth not quite gone from his eyes but dimmed-
"Starrk? What the hell kind of name is that? I demand to see some credentials before I let you take another step into Ichigo's sama's h-
"Cirucci!"
The woman jumped and Starrk suppressed a snort.
"Starrk is my new gardener. Instead of standing there throwing accusations at him make yourself useful and do what I am paying you for."
The woman looked shocked, lower lip trembling, a single curled bang falling into her eyes, head dropping in submission, "Are you-you're not going to fire me are you Ichigo-sama?"
The look of irritation softened on the young master's face-
"Of course not Cirucci, after all you're a mother of 5. You need to be able to support your children"
The woman looked genuinely grateful. Starrk still felt a bit irked but instead of dwelling on it-he offered the maid a proper greeting. "As I've said the name is Starrk, let's work together shall we Ciru-chan?"
Cirucci didn't look too ticked pink to be shaking Starrk's hand but-
"Fine but get rid of that ugly hat. If you're going to serve Ichigo-sama you should at least look good while doing it."
"Cirucci!"
"What? I'm just-oh come on Ichigo-sama you can't honestly tell me that you like that stupid hat of his?"
"Well not particularly but I don't like the perfume you drown your body in every day either but it is not my place to tell my employees what they can and can not wear."
"What?" Purples eyes flashed with anger. "Did you just call my Nightingale Spritz smelly?"
()()()
Ichigo let out a sigh and rubbed the sides of his temples. "Look Cirucci I didn't mean to insult you just now-it's just a beautiful (he tried not to gag on his own words) hard working mother such as yourself should present herself in more of a well-
"You think I'm beautiful Ichigo-sama?"
()()()
Starrk may have only just met the orange haired berry but even he could detect the faintest hint of insincerity in the youth's tone but there's was no way he'd let the little maid know it.
()()()
"Y-you always know just what to say Ichigo-sama." Cirucci offered him the closest thing to a delicate smile "I know I get a little ahead of myself at times but I promise I'll do better and-
Best shut her up or she'll ramble all night long.
"It's fine Cirucci," Ichigo squeezed the maid's shoulder gently and then left the bedroom.
As he started down the stairs he hoped the woman would stay true to her word and not try and castrate his sexy new gardener.
()()()
Tousen Kaname did not drink. The scent. The taste. The after effects of alcohol held absolutely no appeal whatsoever for a man like him.
And yet here he sits in a bar specially designed to look and feel like an old Irish pub waiting for a man.
TBC