Surviving You
Chapter Four

Kristoph's suggestion was, Phoenix came to realize, a good one. Despite the uplifting feelings that came when Kristoph called to check on him, and the way his pulse quickened if he allowed himself to think about what could have happened that night at the manor if he hadn't been so cheap a drunk, his thoughts kept returning to the way Miles had sounded towards the end of that phone call. Phoenix hadn't heard his voice so unhappy since a few years ago, during the days just before he left that note on his desk and vanished...

Phoenix couldn't help but worry. Miles had been right when he'd said it was unlike Phoenix to just give up. Phoenix couldn't give up, especially not just because someone came along who didn't have so much exasperating baggage. Kristoph was good to him, probably treated him better than Miles ever had, but... only because Miles didn't really know how to be kind to people, because no one but Phoenix had ever been kind to him. Despite the frequent frustrations, there were plenty of good times they'd shared - and Miles had come so far since those first few weeks they'd been close, he'd made so much progress towards being a more well-adjusted person. If Phoenix left him now, he might close himself off again. Phoenix could imagine it happening all too easily, and just thinking about Miles living the rest of his life bitter and alone, never again allowing someone to get close to him, made him want to cry.

Instead of crying, he called Miles again, a few days later. He got voicemail, which wasn't entirely unexpected (it was a little late for a weekday), so he apologized and asked Miles to call him back - he really did want to talk about this. He got no reply that day or the next, so the following evening he called again, and left a slightly more concerned message - usually Miles was pretty good about getting back to him.

Still he got no answer, and so he made another call in the early hours of the next morning - what should have been the middle of the day in Europe. When he got the voicemail this time, he hung up and immediately dialed again - this was just plain weird. This time, there was a click. "Mi-" he managed to get out, before the phone clicked again, and then Phoenix was left staring at the beeping phone in his hand, bewildered. Well... not entirely bewildered. He was beginning to get an idea of what was going on, and if he was right, he felt even worse about what he'd done to Miles. He had some idea what he might be able to do about it, though.

He napped a few hours, until it was time to get Trucy up and off to school, and once he'd seen her off at the bus stop, he walked to the nearest public phone, shovelling quarters into it until he had enough for an international call.

"Edgeworth speaking."

"Don't hang up on me again, Miles, or I'm not going to have any money left for lunch at work this week."

Phoenix could almost hear the struggle between the different factions of Miles's brain, and when he spoke again, his voice was cold and brittle. "We have nothing to talk about, Wright. We're through."

Phoenix's heart sank. That was Miles's courtroom voice - the kind he'd use to summarize the charges against the defendant, or to dismiss the defense's objection. "I know that's where we left it the other night," Phoenix told him. "But we didn't really talk - I know I was too upset to be clear about things, and it seemed like you were too. So can't we-"

"We're through," Miles repeated. "Clearly, regardless of what I may have wanted, you were ready to move on. That was your decision, and you have made it."

"That's the thing, Miles - I didn't really make any kind of decision. We hung up, but I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"You couldn't stop thinking about me." Miles sounded as though he were merely humoring him.

"No, I couldn't. I can't."

"Even while you were with Kristoph Gavin?"

If Phoenix's hair hadn't already been standing on end... "...How did you find out about Kristoph?"

A bitter laugh. "At least you're not trying to deny it."

"Seriously, Miles." Phoenix frowned, his expression turning hard. "Who told you about Kristoph?"

"I was worried about you, Wright. I've had Detective Gumshoe keeping an eye out for you ever since I got the news about the forged evidence-"

Phoenix's eyes narrowed incredulously as he interrupted. "Wait, you were having Gumshoe spy on-"

"Not spy, Wright - I had him watching you because, as you pointed out when last we spoke, it would take me some time to get there to take care of you myself. ...I was concerned that you might do something foolish in your misery. And if you did, I wouldn't be able to get there fast enough."

As Miles spoke, Phoenix's anger and disbelief slipped away, turned to shame. Miles had been concerned for him? He'd set Gumshoe to look out for him? "...Miles... I had no idea."

"Apparently not, or I'm sure you'd have kept these pictures of you and Gavin from reaching my inbox. The very next day, at that."

"...Pictures?" Phoenix froze, his mind going over the possibilities. Had Gumshoe been in the park on Saturday afternoon? Nearby when Kristoph kissed him briefly outside his office building? He'd been so relaxed, being with someone who wasn't afraid of a little public display of affection, he hadn't thought to pay any attention to whether or not anyone actually was watching them.

"I'd had my suspicions, and now I have confirmation. You don't change your mind at the drop of a hat, Wright," Miles continued coldly. "I know you better. You've had feelings for him for a while, haven't you?" His voice lowered, and for a moment, Phoenix could hear him behind the courtroom voice - really him. "At least I know you well enough that I can believe you waited until after you'd dismissed me. You're too kind to cheat on someone."

This was much, much worse than the last phone call, mostly because everything Miles was saying was true, and Phoenix knew it. It made him feel sick. "...Miles, I didn't want to hurt you. I never would want to hurt you."

"Or anyone else. I know." A long pause, and then an exhausted sigh. "I know I was never a big enough man to accept all you had to give. I shouldn't have been surprised at all."

"...Miles..." Phoenix thought he could physically feel his heart breaking.

"Perhaps you'll have better luck with him."

Phoenix was desperate enough to spell it out for once - if it made Miles uncomfortable, then so be it. "I love you."

There was a lengthy hesitation, static crackling through the airwaves. "...I suppose I'm a fool for believing you... but you think you love everyone, Wright. Maybe you even do. ...Gumshoe told me what he overheard the two of you speaking about, and although I appreciate the attempt to 'fix' me, I can't be someone I'm not."

"Miles-"

"Please don't call me again." Miles's voice was suddenly flat once again. "Every time you do, I lose a day of productivity."

"Wait-"

There was a click, and then Phoenix had to stand there, trying to catch his breath, before he could manage to walk back to the office in a daze. For once, he didn't want to call Kristoph. Or Maya, or anyone else who usually would cheer him up. He just wanted this to not have happened at all, and he didn't want to talk about it, and he didn't want to see anyone or anything that would remind him it had.

It was, he thought, one of those rare occasions where he would consider taking a page out of Larry's book and drinking himself stupid, but even with his utter intolerance for alcohol so recently confirmed, he could hardly afford that on a retail salary. Plus, he had to work that evening, and it wouldn't be good for him to be completely wasted when Trucy got out of school either. Instead, he lay down on the office couch and fell asleep, and didn't wake up until half an hour before his shift; Trucy, concerned that he was so exhausted he hadn't even woken up to meet her at the bus stop after school, was willing to let him sleep while she made her own dinner - but he did have to go to work.

Trucy woke him the next morning as well, to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she set out to school. She told him she'd made her own lunch, and she hoped he cheered up soon (and how did she always know when something was bothering him? They'd barely known each other for a month and a half...), and then produced a big pink flower out of the end of one of her trick wands for him. ...He couldn't help but smile, tucking it behind his ear, but the smile only lasted until she was out the door, and then he nodded off again.

Somehow, he managed to sleep until she got out of school, after which she did wake him up for a change, looking concerned. Was he going to sleep forever? Her old daddy had said that her mommy had fallen asleep, and that was when she disappeared... At that, Phoenix couldn't really feel sorry for himself any longer, and made himself get up to spend some time with her, making an after-school snack and watching cartoons together on the couch. It wasn't so much that he was tired anyway - only tired of being conscious.

His phone rang just as he was starting to think about finding something for her dinner (he hadn't been hungry for the last couple of days, and knowing this, she'd made him eat a couple of her apple slices anyway), and he took it to the reception area to answer it - it was Kristoph. "How have you been? I haven't heard from you in a few days."

"..." Phoenix wasn't sure how to answer that. Or that he really wanted to talk to Kristoph at all. He knew it wasn't actually Kristoph's fault that he and Miles had fallen apart, but he'd been the final wedge between them, and Phoenix couldn't forget that at the moment.

Kristoph was fairly perceptive, of course. "...Something's wrong, isn't it?"

"...No more wrong than it was already, I guess," Phoenix admitted. "It's just..."

Kristoph was quiet, letting Phoenix explain about the phone call. When Phoenix was done, he sighed faintly. "I'm sorry to hear things came out so badly."

"Like I said, it would have been over if I'd left things as they were, too," Phoenix told him. "Just... now I know for sure it's over. Really over. Even if I decide I want him back, I can't have him."

"It seems absurd," Kristoph observed, "that he should get so upset over nothing more than holding hands or kissing."

"I guess he cared about me more than I thought... whether that came out as jealousy, or just... wanting me to have someone who would do those things with me." Phoenix covered his face with his free hand, never mind that no one was there looking at him anyway. "I think this is the first time in my life I've honestly wished I'd never been born."

"Don't think that way," Kristoph scolded him gently. "You've done many people a great service in your life. Think of the clients you defended - including Miles. He might be upset with you now, but if you hadn't been there when he was accused of murder, how much worse off would he be?"

"True... but now that I'm not a lawyer, I'm not really doing anyone any good. Except maybe people who want fresh fruit at low prices."

"And Trucy, who has no one else in the world but you. Raising and supporting a child is a very important task."

Phoenix bit his lip. "Okay... yeah, you're right. I just feel like I've messed everything up right now."

"That feeling will pass," Kristoph assured him. "Give it some time. ...In the meantime, I called to ask you about something."

"Hmm...?" Phoenix couldn't even really muster up curiosity, much less enthusiasm.

"I just got off work for the weekend," Kristoph told him, "and again I have no plans. Perhaps we could have dinner at my place again?"

"Mm..." Phoenix couldn't decide whether he liked that idea or not. On the one hand, it would get him out of the house, and he could spend some time with Kristoph. On the other hand, he would have to make himself leave the house. "I don't know... I probably wouldn't eat any more of it than last weekend, and besides-"

"That just means we'd have leftovers for lunch tomorrow."

"But I also can't go dropping Trucy off in Kurain every weekend," Phoenix pointed out. "It's kind of like handing off my responsibilities as her father."

"So bring her along."

Phoenix hadn't really thought about that. "Would that be okay?"

"I'm sure there will be enough food for all of us - especially if you don't feel like eating," Kristoph reasoned. "And isn't it about time we were properly introduced?"

"Yeah... I suppose it is." That is, if they were going to be together now that Miles was out of the picture. But now that Miles really was out of the picture... Phoenix just didn't know. He had no idea what he wanted, if he wanted anything at all.

...Maybe he should find out.

"Uhm... one thing, Kristoph."

"Yes?"

"You kind of implied earlier that I might stay the night again. If Trucy comes along..."

"She can sleep over too. We had plenty of spare rooms to begin with, and even gained another when my little brother moved out."

Phoenix thought about this for a moment. "That would be imposing." He was sure of it.

"Not if I'm inviting the both of you."

"...Okay, maybe not, but..." ...There had to be some reason that wouldn't work, because the suggestion was leading him to believe that spending the night was inevitable, and if it was, then maybe other things were inevitable too. At the very least, possible.

"No buts, Phoenix," Kristoph chided him.

"Well, no, I wasn't planning on bringing Larry."

Kristoph chuckled, and Phoenix smiled a little, feeling a bit more himself. That was probably a good enough reason to accept...

"Trucy, sweetie?" he started, sticking his head back into the main office. "I don't think I really have to ask, but - would you like something better than a nuked frozen dinner tonight?"

"Well, yeah," she admitted, looking uncertain, "but do we have enough money for burgers again?"

Phoenix laughed a little, and put the phone to his ear again. "Okay, I guess we'll accept your invitation."

"Marvelous. Shall I be by in half an hour?"

Trucy's reaction to meeting Kristoph was slightly different than Phoenix had expected, as she climbed into the back seat of Kristoph's sedan, snuggling up to Phoenix as he introduced them. "Oh... so you really are a friend of Daddy's," she confirmed, smiling brightly.

"Hmm?" Phoenix murmured curiously, putting an arm around her as she buckled her seatbelt.

"I saw him the other day on my way out of school, and he knew my name and said it was because he knew you. But I didn't know who he was, so I didn't talk to him," she explained, and then nudged Phoenix. "You buckle up too. Sorry, Mr. Gavin!"

Kristoph chuckled as Phoenix obediently fastened his own belt, and pulled away from the curb. "No apology necessary, Trucy. You're a smart little girl, knowing not to talk to strangers."

"Well, if I never talked to anyone who was a stranger, then I wouldn't have any friends, and I wouldn't have a daddy," she reasoned. "But I know enough not to talk to them on their terms."

"Um, Trucy?" Phoenix put in. "The rule is, you're not to talk to strangers without someone you know present."

"But Daddy, how am I supposed to find you a good job if I can't talk to people I don't know and I don't know any people who own businesses?"

Phoenix put a hand to his head in exasperation as Kristoph gave him a questioning look in the rearview mirror. "She thinks I can do better than working at the supermarket."

"I know you can!" she insisted. "You said you used to play piano, right? You should do that!"

"Is that so?" Kristoph inquired. "I wasn't aware that you were musically inclined."

"I'm not," Phoenix said flatly. "That's why I used to play piano. And honey, it's not like people are always out there looking for someone to play piano for them. It's hard to make it as a professional pianist."

"Maybe, but it's hard to make it as a professional magician, too," she told him firmly. "If I can do that, you can do this."

"She's right, you know," Kristoph added, amused. "If not as a pianist, I'm sure that there's something you can do that would bring in a better salary than stocking produce. You're an intelligent man, and you should make use of that intelligence."

"See? Mr. Gavin thinks so too, so next week? I'm going to call around."

"Uh, I really don't mind just stocking produce for the time being," Phoenix muttered.

Kristoph looked as though he were trying not to laugh. "Hmm - nagging you to eat, telling you to buckle up, finding you a better job... are you sure she's not the one who adopted you?"

"Someone has to take care of him," Trucy said seriously. "Did you know he lets the wastebasket pile up until it's overflowing before he takes it down? If I wasn't here to remind him, the whole office would be full of trash."

Phoenix's expression was pained. "...Trucy..."

Kristoph laughed. "I didn't know that, no. Odd, when he's so enthusiastic about keeping the toilet clean."

"Are you kidding? He never cleans anything else!"

"At least of the two of you can have fun mocking me," Phoenix sighed. But honestly, he wasn't too embarrassed - and they were talking comfortably, and that was a good sign.

"Hmmm, and since taking care of you is such hard work..." Kristoph glanced back at Trucy for a moment. "Perhaps you'd like some help taking care of your daddy?"

She nodded. "Do you know someone who would make a good mommy?"

This time, it was Phoenix's turn to snicker at the suddenly blank look on Kristoph's face.

Seeing as Kristoph had invited both of them to stay the night if they got tired early, Phoenix had packed a bag with pajamas for Trucy, just in case. He'd also put a few other things in there - a quiet dinner was probably not so much fun for an energetic kid like her, so it was best to have something more interesting around during the visit. This worked out well, because while Phoenix offered to help Kristoph with dinner (he couldn't just let Kristoph continually prepare meals for him and his daughter without repayment or reciprocation), Trucy was happy to sit down in the sitting room and read a library book she'd just gotten.

"Still right where we left her," Phoenix reported, returning to the kitchen after looking in on her. "Give her a book of optical illusions, and she'll be happy for quite some time. And probably try to find a way to work it into her routine."

"Routine?"

"She already considers herself a performer," Phoenix explained. "I guess she has performed publically here and there, with her family... but if she has to go solo, that's what she'll do."

Kristoph smiled over the cutting board. "Very cute."

"Yeah, isn't she? Not just cute, though - she's a genius. I think you weren't that far off the mark, about her having adopted me. These days," Phoenix admitted, his head hung low, "she's probably doing me more good than I'm doing her."

"Don't be absurd - she's still a child," Kristoph reminded him, setting the knife aside and stepping around the end of the counter. "She wouldn't be able to make it in this world without you."

"...I don't know if I could make it without her either."

Kristoph's arm slipped around his shoulders. "You should have more faith in yourself," he murmured, bending his head close.

"Right now?" Phoenix shook his head. Last weekend, he would have enjoyed having Kristoph so close. This weekend, after that conversation with Miles, he just couldn't manage to feel like anything other than a traitor. They had dinner to prepare, too. "Anyway..." he said after a moment, "where was I?"

Phoenix wasn't much of a cook, though he'd picked up a little experience in college - perhaps he'd gone a bit beyond the traditional bachelor staples of mac and cheese or sandwiches, but only a bit. Kristoph claimed that he wasn't anything special either, but he'd been exposed to a variety of foods in his childhood, when they'd had a family chef, and thus had decided to learn to make them himself. At any rate, both of them could read a cookbook, so as long as Kristoph could explain some of the culinary terminology, they were managing well enough, and Phoenix didn't feel entirely useless.

He also had to admit that actually helping to prepare the food, working with it and everything, was making it seem more appealing. In fact, it was becoming appealing enough that by the time he was pouring the berry filling into the pie crust and scraping the bowl to get every last bit out, he swiped a finger along the inside, scooping up some of the leftover sugar and cornstarch and fruit juice, and stuck it in his mouth.

Seeing this, Kristoph smirked as he brought over the other half of the pie crust, to put it on top and crimp it down around the edge. "Impatient for dessert?"

"...Maybe a little," Phoenix conceded. He sort of had to, when his finger was already in the bowl again, scooping up more of the leftover pie filling.

Before he could bring it to his mouth again, Kristoph's hand was on his wrist, gripping it. "That's a bit unsanitary."

"Nothing more from this bowl's going in the pie," Phoenix pointed out. "And even if it did, cooking it would sanitize it."

Kristoph was peering oddly at Phoenix's red-smeared index finger. "Is this the finger you hurt last week?"

"Nope, other hand."

"Ah. I was hoping that none of this was blood."

Phoenix laughed softly and shook his head. "No, it's all healed anyway, I haven't even bothered with-" He was interrupted abruptly by Kristoph's smirk twisting, just a little, as he drew Phoenix's hand closer, closing his lips around the fingertip.

...Despite his earlier apathy towards Kristoph's closeness, Phoenix couldn't exactly deny that this intrigued him. He was sure that this shouldn't have been as hot as it was. It was pie filling. On his finger. But Kristoph was sucking, his tongue swirling around the end and licking the sweetness off the tip, and Kristoph's other hand came up to hold his hand steady...

"...You're doing that on purpose," Phoenix observed.

Kristoph smiled around his finger. "Apologies," he murmured, drawing back and looking up to meet Phoenix's eyes. "It seems I'm interested in dessert as well."

Phoenix's fingertip was still damp from Kristoph's mouth, and Kristoph still held his hand between his own. Phoenix felt something in his stomach lurch. Or maybe a little further down. "...Kristoph," he murmured, and wasn't quite sure where to go after that, because Kristoph's gaze seemed paralyzing.

"Perhaps I'm being too forward?" Kristoph asked. "I truly don't mean to push you to anything you're not ready for. But determining your interest is another matter."

A hesitation, and Phoenix drew in a sharp breath. "I just... I don't know, Kristoph. Besides," he added, making himself break off the eye contact, "Trucy's right out there, and she's probably hungry - we should finish up in here..."

Kristoph's soft, acquiesing hum sounded disappointed, but he relinquished Phoenix's hand and turned back to trimming the pie crust. "We might talk further later on this evening, then - if you're still awake once she's been put to bed."

"...We might," Phoenix agreed. And maybe it had something to do with the fact that he'd spent most of the last couple of days asleep, but he had a feeling he wasn't going to be tired until he was good and ready to be tired.

Trucy was not quite so content by the time Kristoph and Phoenix emerged from the kitchen, and was whining a little about being hungry for whatever smelled so good, but that was quickly remedied by Kristoph offering her some of the leftover berries from the pie. By the time dinner was ready, her lips were stained red, and Phoenix's fingers were rather a mess again from eating a few himself. If not for the fact that Trucy was there, and that he was now properly hungry, he might have asked Kristoph if he wanted an appetizer.

He was in a better mood now, wasn't he? He couldn't help but be in a better mood with Kristoph and Trucy around. It felt warm and comfortable, when he didn't let his thoughts stray.

As always, Kristoph played a gracious host at dinner, and engaged Trucy in conversation as they ate - he knew all about her old family. As a matter of fact, he said a recent client of his had a young daughter, a little older than she was, who was very shy around him, but she opened right up when he discerned that she was a fan of Troupe Gramarye, and asked her about them. Phoenix was silently impressed. There was no need to get Trucy to 'open up' (the occasional struggle was to get her to shut up), but at least it looked like Kristoph really was good with children.

No wine with dinner that night - not for Trucy, of course, and not after the last weekend's mishap - so after the meal, when Trucy was already stifling yawns (it had been a rather late dinner), Phoenix was still wide awake. Having confirmed with Trucy that she didn't mind staying in a strange place for the night (she'd travelled a lot with her old family, so the thought of staying in a new place overnight was nothing unusual), he started getting her ready for bed while Kristoph cleaned up a bit in the kitchen. This all seemed so easy, so normal, Phoenix thought as he got out her toothbrush and toothpaste, and watched her grin foamily at herself in the much-larger mirror in Kristoph's much-larger bathroom. He could... very easily get used to this.

Once she was settled in one of the guest rooms, with a stuffed bunny and Mr. Hat standing guard, Phoenix found Kristoph waiting downstairs in the sitting room. "I would offer you a drink," he remarked from the sofa, "but I suspect it would be counterproductive."

Phoenix smiled sheepishly. "...Counterproductive to what?"

"To anything but you falling asleep," Kristoph replied, and gestured for him to come and sit down. "And me being quite bored in your absence."

"I can't really guarantee you won't be bored with me awake, either."

Kristoph met his eyes as Phoenix sat down beside him. "...You could... but as I've said many a time, I'm not trying to push."

Phoenix chuckled vaguely. "Not pushing, sure. Only insinuating and tempting."

"I have been a bit mischievous, haven't I?"

"That's fine. I couldn't say I really mind." Phoenix still felt like a traitor, but if Miles had spelled it out so plainly that there was nothing left to betray...

"Are you certain?" Kristoph asked, sitting up straighter, looking at him seriously. "It's clear that you're still preoccupied."

"Yeah... I probably will be for a while." Phoenix didn't meet his eyes, just stared down at the floor. "I've never been good with goodbyes. Especially when they're not on good terms, and... I can't really think of any that went this badly. It just... it goes against everything in my nature not to try anything I can to make up with him."

"Then why don't you?"

"That's what that last phone call was," Phoenix muttered. "It only wound up making things worse. I guess I don't know how things could get any worse than they are now... but I didn't know they could get worse last time, either, and they did."

"Hmmm..."

"Besides," Phoenix added after a moment, "it's not like this was a misunderstanding. My feelings had been changing, and I was frustrated with him never being around, and I'd been struggling for a while with what I felt for you. I can't... I can't just call him and say all of that went away. It hasn't."

"And I can't say that I'm not pleased to hear it," Kristoph murmured, sliding closer, putting an arm around his waist. "Not the part about it being a struggle, of course - but if one man you care for has foolishly cast you aside, it's good to have another you can take comfort in, and I feel fortunate to be that other."

Phoenix sighed, leaning his head on Kristoph's shoulder. "I am glad I've had you with me through all of this. You and Trucy... She gives me a reason to keep going, and your support keeps me from completely collapsing. I don't think I could even express how grateful I am for all you've done in the last couple of months."

Well, no, he decided. ...Quite possibly he could.

"It's not necessary," Kristoph assured him, squeezing him tighter. "Wasn't it your mentor, Ms. Fey, who used to say that a lawyer is someone who smiles even when times are hard, even when the situation seems impossible?" Kristoph shrugged slightly. "And I am a defense attorney, after all."

Mia... Phoenix closed his eyes. What would she say if she saw him now, disbarred and depressed and working at a supermarket? After he considered this for a minute, though, he thought he knew exactly what Mia would say. She'd say that he couldn't give up, even if he didn't have his badge anymore, even if Miles wasn't on his side. He was still the same person he had always been, and he needed to look on the bright side, keep moving forward. The same as she had done, after Diego had been poisoned. Losing someone you loved was hard, but it was a part of life, not the end, so you must press on, do the things that would bring back your smile...

"Kristoph...?" Phoenix lifted his head, opened his eyes to look at the other man seriously. "...I don't want you to be my lawyer right now."

Kristoph raised an eyebrow curiously, but then Phoenix was pressing his lips against Kristoph's, one hand on the back of his neck to draw him closer - and Kristoph was doing the same, his other hand resting on Phoenix's hip. Phoenix's other hand clenched in the back of Kristoph's shirt as he felt that tongue caress his lips as it had his finger earlier, and he opened his mouth to admit it, touching back with his own.

Despite sitting right up against each other, Kristoph seemed too far away for Phoenix's taste, but when he started to lean back, drawing Kristoph with him, Kristoph paused, breathing heavily, even as he carefully supported Phoenix's change in posture. "Phoenix," he murmured. "This isn't necessary."

"No, but I want to." A lot more than kissing, too.

"You're still distraught - I wouldn't want you to do anything you regret."

"I don't have any reason left to regret anything I do with you," Phoenix said breathlessly, as Kristoph shifted to a horizontal position as well.

"You won't be thinking of him?"

Phoenix shook his head, dazed. "No, Kristoph - I've wanted you for... weeks. You, Kristoph. Even when it would have been cheating. It's not now."

"Are you sure?" Kristoph was kneeling on the sofa above Phoenix now, one knee slid up between his legs, but not as far as Phoenix wanted. "I wouldn't want to cause you further pain..."

The way Kristoph was above him, but not touching him... "Yes..."

To his relief, Kristoph gave in, his hand cupping Phoenix's cheek as he leaned down to kiss him again, and soon was settled atop him. Their arms were wrapped around each other as their lips came together over and over, sometimes missing, but that was fine with Phoenix, who gasped as Kristoph's mouth found his jaw, his chin, his cheek... His knees were drawn up around Kristoph's waist, and he wondered as he ground his hips up against Kristoph's just when that had happened.

He moaned as Kristoph's hand worked between them, touching his chest, but Kristoph was only pushing himself up, pushing them apart. "...I don't believe the sitting room is the appropriate place for us at this point. If you're intending for this to go any further..."

"Yes," Phoenix groaned. How could Kristoph even think to ask? It would be torture to stop now.

Kristoph began to get to his knees, and Phoenix would have been amused at the crooked tie and the curl of hair sticking up from the top of his head if he hadn't been so overwhelmed by everything else. "You're absolutely sure?" Kristoph inquired again.

"Please, Kristoph. ...Please."

Kristoph helped Phoenix get to his feet, and somehow they made it up the stairs, down the hall to Kristoph's bedroom, where Kristoph managed to turn on the bedside lamp without knocking it over despite the darkness and the fact that Phoenix was kissing him again. His hands had worked their way under Phoenix's shirt, cool against the warm skin there, and Phoenix felt their absence almost painfully when they moved to unbutton his shirt. His own hands were shaking, and he had only barely gotten Kristoph's tie loose before he had to shrug his own shirt off, and then Kristoph was unbuckling his belt, getting his pants down past the hip before bending him back to lie upon the bed.

Rather than getting them off the rest of the way, Phoenix stared up at Kristoph as he crawled on top of him, kneeling between Phoenix's parted knees and looking down at his half-naked body with an intense, appraising stare. "You enjoyed my teasing earlier, didn't you...?"

"Tease, what the..." Phoenix was not in a frame of mind to speak clearly, but he got his answer when Kristoph raised a hand to his mouth, sticking two fingers into his mouth. "Ah, yeah..."

"It may have been a bit crude," Kristoph observed when he removed them, reaching down to slip the other hand inside the front flap of Phoenix's boxers, freeing his growing erection. Phoenix drew a hissing breath as the wet fingers touched the sensitive flesh at the tip, stroked down the length. "But I did enjoy your reaction. It made me anxious to see..."

Phoenix squirmed as Kristoph leaned down on his elbows, moaned loudly as Kristoph took him into his mouth. He was working with his tongue, just as he had with Phoenix's finger, and his own fingers slid wetly up and down the shaft... Phoenix could hardly stand it - Kristoph's mouth was so hot and wet, and the skin below his lips so sensitized, and Phoenix clenched and unclenched his hands in the covers, trying to keep himself from thrusting.

Even without moving his hips, the tension was building, and the way the tip of Kristoph's tongue was teasing the head of his cock was becoming too much to bear. Just when he thought that he should warn Kristoph, instead he groaned, as Kristoph abruptly drew back, and instead of wet warmth, Phoenix was surrounded by chill air on his damp skin. He murmured a faint curse. "...Kristoph..."

"Not yet," Kristoph murmured in reply, licking his lips and getting to his knees again. "Not yet. Relax for a moment, if you please."

Phoenix tried, following Kristoph's motion with his eyes as Kristoph leaned over him to open a compartment in the wooden headboard. From what he could see through the pants, it looked like Kristoph was just as hard as he was, though no doubt not so overstimulated. Also... "...You're still dressed."

"I'll take care of that in a moment," Kristoph told him, settling back with a small bottle in his hand. "For now, why not make yourself comfortable? ...I would suggest rolling over."

...That was new. Phoenix shivered at the thought - he and Miles were always face to face, Miles had never... Phoenix made himself put thoughts of Miles firmly aside, and focused on Kristoph. This was something he would try with Kristoph. "...I've never done it like this before," he admitted, obediently turning over, wriggling out of his pants and boxers in the process.

"I find the angle advantageous," Kristoph stated, and Phoenix, face-down in a pillow, wondered how he could think of words like that in this kind of situation. He could hear fabric rustling - Kristoph undressing - and turned his head enough to watch out of the corner of his eye. Admittedly, he liked to watch his partner, but the excitement of trying something different made up for that lack. And, he thought, doing things differently meant that even if he couldn't see, he wouldn't be able to forget it was Kristoph and not... someone else...

It was difficult to see anything, though, and in his position, Phoenix could mostly only tell what Kristoph was doing from the sounds. Fabric moving, the pop of the bottle being opened, a wet sound and a hitch in Kristoph's breathing... the tremor of the mattress as Kristoph moved between his legs again, pushing his thighs further apart. Phoenix drew a breath in anticipation, and then remembered something, an afterthought. "Uhm, are you using, uh..."

"We're protected, yes." Kristoph's voice was usually perfectly steady, but even if his speech was still proper, there was a shakiness to it now, something raw and ragged. Phoenix found it fascinating, and really did wish he could see the look on Kristoph's face. "How much preparation do you need?"

"Not much," Phoenix mumbled. Actually, he wasn't sure - he hadn't been on the receiving end for a rather long time (it had been awhile since he'd had sex at all, in fact) - but he didn't feel like waiting any longer than he had to. "As long as you're slippery, I'll be fine."

"All right, then..." One hand came to rest on Phoenix's rear briefly as Kristoph got on top of him, and Phoenix knew it would be all right - it was slightly slippery. Kristoph's long hair tickled his back, and then his shoulder as Kristoph leaned forward to murmur in his ear. "I've been looking forward to this for a long time, Phoenix."

Phoenix was going to say something along the lines of 'me too', but instead he clenched his teeth, his entire body tightening, as Kristoph thrust into him. He could have used a little more preparation after all, he realized belatedly, but Kristoph was moving inside him, and his hips raised instinctively, and it didn't take long for Kristoph to find just the right angle, the one that made him cry out, and any remaining pain or tension was forgotten as Kristoph thrust into him again and again, his breathing hot and harsh in Phoenix's ear. He could hardly imagine it was Kristoph - calm, terminally proper Kristoph - making that sound. It was like nothing he'd ever imagined from Kristoph, and it was fascinating.

There was only one thing that bothered Phoenix, and he tried to correct it, letting go of the covers with one hand to reach beneath himself - but before his hand got there, Kristoph paused to catch his wrist, and Phoenix moaned as he pinned it to the mattress. Miles had always seemed to like having his hands pinned, and now Phoenix could kind of see why, because it was interesting, being completely at someone's mercy when it was someone you knew you could trust - and then Phoenix moaned again as Kristoph's other hand came down to do what he'd been intending to do himself, groping and stroking and fingering him in time with the thrusts.

Phoenix's hips rocked up to meet Kristoph's as his thrusts grew slower, deeper, and still weren't enough. Phoenix's gasps and moans were stifled by the pillowcase but growing in intensity, and Kristoph too was uttering soft, desperate sounds that Phoenix could feel as breath on his shoulder, and the spiral curl of his hair traced circles on his back. He murmured Kristoph's name, but there was no reply but the harsh breathing, a little choke, lips pressed softly against his shoulder - and that was what pushed him over, that single sweet gesture amidst the unexpected roughness, and Phoenix cried out and held onto the covers for dear life as his body shuddered under Kristoph's.

He was dimly aware that Kristoph wasn't quite finished, but a few more thrusts seemed to be enough, then Kristoph was propping himself up on his elbows over Phoenix, who had collapsed flat on his stomach. Phoenix could feel every one of Kristoph's panting breaths on the sweat-dampened skin of his back, could feel the brush of Kristoph's hair as he pushed it back over his shoulder, and he smiled, eyes closed, at the imagined sight of Kristoph trying to regain his composure. "...Wow," he muttered dizzily. "Didn't know you had it in you."

"Hmm...?" Kristoph's voice still sounded a little shaky.

"I always figured," Phoenix mumbled into the pillow, "that you'd be all... well, slow and careful and gentle. You're always so calm in everything else."

Kristoph chuckled breathlessly. "I suppose it's a side of me that rarely sees light. ...Is that a problem?"

The pillow moved as much as Phoenix's head. "No... it was interesting. ...I can definitely say that I've never been fucked like that before."

"The long wait may have had something to do with it." Kristoph sounded much more like his usual self already, and then he pressed another soft kiss against Phoenix's shoulder.

It made Phoenix's skin tingle, and he smiled. "I hope I don't have to wait a long time to do it again."

Kristoph's arm came to rest over his shoulders, as Kristoph finally settled down beside him. Phoenix had never seen him with the glasses off before; his eyes were so pale, an icy blue. "You're all right with this, then?" he inquired.

Phoenix nodded, though the euphoria faded a bit with the reminder of why he might not be. "I'm glad you're so different... that way I can't forget it's you."

"Excellent," Kristoph murmured, and again kissed his shoulder before closing his eyes. "I think I would be quite cross if you did."

For some reason... something about that struck Phoenix as very odd, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it when he was so satiated and exhausted.