Disclaimer: I do not own NGE or Hello Kitty
Chapter 4
Envying Transsexuals
Inside Wal-Mart
Ah, I love the smell of resentment in the morning. Misato thought, smugly eyeing the middle aged mothers around her in the supermarket. All of which were shooting glares of jealousy and envy at the fact she was able to reap the benefits of kids (as evidenced by Misato's amusement at Asuka and Shinji's cordial argument over the nutritional value of buying more veal) and keeping a trim figure (…is an explanation really needed?)
A month after Shinji's little outing, Misato with Shinji and Asuka reluctantly in tow was out restocking their food and cleaning supplies (top ramen, alcohol, and even more alcohol). Shinji, ever the "house broken male", made sure that they also restocked on fresh produce and actual hygiene supplies (aside from the females ones). The reason that they were shopping in Wal-Mart was that one Misato was lazy and…well, that was pretty much it. She didn't want to waste time that she could've spent drinking. In the megastore, Shinji was comparing prices between two cereal brands while Asuka was glaring sullenly at all the middle aged women meandering around.
"Argh! Are we ever going to be done?" Asuka whined. "We've been at this for two hours. Why can't we just go clothes shopping now?"
"That is a wonderful idea, Asuka" Misato chirped, finally fed up with watching Shinji intercept her every attempt to buy more beer. Behind Misato, Shinji didn't even bother repressing his groan of frustration. Asuka and Misato just smirked at each other, fully satisfied in having at least one male to drag off to the million step marathon around the mall. They bought their food and the ladies were speed walking to the car in anticipation of the oodles of clothing, purses, and shoes (an ungodly amount of shoes) they were going to buy. All Shinji felt dread at the phantom pain in his arms from all the shopping bags he'll have to tote. However, Fate was smiling on Shinji that day and chose to scorn the shopping crazy women. When they got to the car…
In the Angelic Food's parking lot
Misato was not a happy camper. This was worse than the time she ran out of booze that one fateful day. To this day PenPen always shudders when he hears the Ice Cream Man song. What was the reason for her foul mood? Her beloved Renault was dead in the water.
"Maybe we should just get a tow truck and get it to a mechanic?" Shinji suggested.
"No!" Misato was under the little car's hood, trying to revive the beloved automobile.
"I will not be defeated!"
"Misato" Asuka whined. "We're burning prime shopping hours here. We can just take the bus and get a tow like the idiot said."
Misato looked at Asuka disbelievingly. Leave her precious with some burly stranger with a ridiculous walrus moustache? Sensing Misato's dilemma, Shinji, eager to get away from the mall, said, "Maybe I can hang around with the tow and mechanic? That way you and Asuka can go shopping."
Asuka was in agreement, but Misato was still unsure. "You sure you can handle it?"
Shinji knew that Misato was just concerned about him, but annoyed him nonetheless when she thought that he was as fragile enough to need help looking after a car. "Misato…I can handle it. Just go enjoy yourself."
"Now you're making me feel like the child here." Misato said teasingly, but inside she was a little sad that Shinji had to be so mature at his age. She was loath to admit, but when Shinji was still so insecure and unstable in the beginning, it assured Misato that Shinji was still a kid and just as screwed up as she was. He's still insecure, but only as far as a kid his age usually is. It's almost unfair that he can stand up and handle the fate of the world with his problems, while I can barely de-…am I jealous? Kid's got the same father issues that I had, but he seems to be handling them well and I had even less troubles at that age and I went mute and then bitched like no tomorrow. Those kids got it tougher than I had and they haven't broken down yet… Suppressing the sudden feeling of self-disgust, Misato forced a smile. "All right. You wait here. When they ask for payment, tell them to forward it to NERV, okay?"
Shinji nodded, oblivious to Misato's inner turmoil. He pulled out his cell phone and called for a reliable tow company and auto-shop. Seeing Misato's surprised look at his efficiency, he said, "Don't worry, I've got it."
Over the last month, Shinji has felt…lighter. Looser. Sure there was still the sense of impending danger from the Angels, but now it felt like he could handle it a little better. He was still scared as hell of EVA and of going out into the field to fight a monstrous unknown entity sent from "God." Ever since he tried to reach out just once for some contact and recognition and finally being rewarded, Shinji felt a little more self assured. Asuka noticed it when he stopped listening to his SDAT as often as he did. He still listened to it often, but occasionally he tried to talk to her and was promptly shot down the first couple of times. However, Asuka eventually tired of ignoring Shinji. Tired of ignoring her desire for some sort of camaraderie with somebody like her for some pride…but pride is the only thing that her mama bequeathed to her. The only thing she had remaining of her true mother who thought to only bring light to her child's world…How cruel of her really. For a mother to abandon a child with little more than the most lingering of feelings. He…he tried to connect before…and I let him in through the tiniest crack…and I shoved him out again and welded the hole shut.
Cue Flashback!
Asuka was bellowing at the drama she was watching.
"Scheisse! What the hell!? Doesn't Keiichi have a spine? Just grab her and kiss her!"
Shinji walked into the room and looked at Asuka questioningly. He'd grown used to her jibes to the television, but it was always surreal to see Asuka so caught up in a contrived, overdramatic love story. To Shinji, Asuka seemed like a no-nonsense, grounded kind of person. And yet here she was caught up in an unrealistic romantic fantasy. It was reassuring in a way. Asuka wasn't just some rough and tumble Valkyrie ready to do or die at the drop of a hat. She was also a young girl who very much liked a bit of glamour and mystique. Despite himself, Shinji smiled gently.
These days Asuka was always fully aware of whenever Shinji entered a room and this was no exception. Lately, Asuka often caught herself observing Shinji and more often than not she wanted to talk to him. About anything. Anything that would let her connect to him. To just let her know that same kind of moment he shared with Rei where they both looked so content and together. So she wouldn't be so alone. Just talk to him! She chided herself. You want to know him. He's changed and you know it! He's actually trying to understand you and has even tried to talk to you. He's even stopped listening to that stupid, outdated SDAT for more chances to be able to talk to you! Of course he always weakens on execution, but at least it's better than when he kept avoiding eye contact those first few months. I should take some pity on him. Talk to him!
However, another part of her was in disagreement. He stopped listening to his music all the time because he's probably gotten bored of it. Like he'll become bored of you…and leave you, just like mama and papa.
Asuka shook her head as if it would convince the little voice of doubt. Shinji? Leave me?...I guess it could be possible…Who am I kidding, it's probable….But Shinji is like me. He wants contact. Some assurance that he matters and that I, I-I mean the dork is loved.
The insidious little voice was back. And he's found it in Wonder girl. You saw how close they were before and how they synchronized so well in the synch training. Why would he want to connect with you when he has someone else? I was wrong. He won't leave you. That implies that you were together to begin with. You're alone.
Asuka shivered and hugged herself to try and comfort herself. No good. M-maybe I am, but I don't want to be anymore. Kaji's been so distant lately, Misato has been so preoccupied with work, and as good a friend Hikari is, she's still got her own family to look after…Shinji's the only one who's been trying to get close. I call him the coward, but I…I'm just as guilty. I remember when I first met him. He wasn't boring…he was scared. I hated him for that. I hated that he could allow himself to fear. And now…now, I can tell he's still scared, but he's actually been trying to reach out. To make some relationship and not be afraid, despite being afraid of being hurt. Unlike me. I…I…I am scared.
A quiet, but more optimistic voice suggested something that shook Asuka. Make a connection with Shinji. If you're so proud, then look at it like this: he's the only option at the moment. He needs you and if you're so clearly superior then you should take pity on him and connect. It won't hurt that it'll help with your own isolation.
"Baka!" Asuka barked, internally wincing at her tones as Shinji jumped in surprise from his position in the kitchen. Maybe I should just dial down on greetings. Shinji may be slowly growing a spine, but he's still too damn timid for his own sake. Then she cleared her throat and said more softly, "Shinji?"
"Y-yes, Asuka?" Shinji asked, nervous at what fresh hell was awaiting him.
"W-why d-don't-" Asuka stammered. Shinji blinked, bewildered at Asuka's shy behavior. It took a lot to unnerve Asuka, but here it was. Just a boy she thought to be duller than dishwater and more perverted than all the boys at the school combined. What am I doing? I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, the number one pilot and the hottest girl of Tokyo 3 High! With those encouraging thoughts, she gracefully huffed, "Just sit down and watch with me, would you?"
Not the most polite attempt to bond with her fellow pilot, but at least it was something. Shinji understood (and, god help him, enjoyed) the sentiment and decided to sit down.
"S-so, what's the show about?" Shinji asked innocently, but was on guard. Asuka was a little more open than Shinji remembered. To anybody normal, that would've been a good sign and it was, but Shinji was far from normal. Due to years of isolation, his hedgehog's complex was deeply ingrained. For the most part, the young introvert recovered enough to at least attempt to get out of his self-imposed isolation and end his constant cycle of fear and by extension, self loathing (as far as Shinji can stop hating himself anyways). However, the suspicion left over was strong enough to make him wary of any unusual activities.
Asuka brightened up at his question, relishing the opportunity to explain something that she knew and the other person didn't have a clue to. The plot sounded like something a half way decent author had pulled out of his ass, but Asuka was describing with such detail and enthusiasm that Shinji couldn't help but feel enthralled. She looks so innocent that she, Shinji blushed at this thought. She looks prettier than she usually does. I know she can be…well, bitchy for lack of a better word, but I feel almost…safe around her. And she knows me a little. She also lost her parents in the same way I have. EVA. Mother died because of it and father…that was the cruelest thing of all that EVA did. Maybe she's another person I can connect with…and not get hurt.
Prattling on about the drama, Asuka was caught up in the romance until she saw Shinji's gentle smile. The very same smile that he shared with Rei in that moment she was so jealous of. This. This is the moment I wanted to share in. And I'm so…content. Is this how Ayanami felt when he played his cello for her? For now, I'm not alone…Struck by the sudden openness she was experiencing, her pride kicked back into place. Of c-course, Shinji's a good substitute for now until I can find a real man. After all, he's hardly worthy of the best EVA pilot, not like Kaji…yes…that's it. He…is…just…a substitute. Asuka mentally repeated this to herself over and over, attempting to impress it into her stubborn mind. However, a small and growing part of her wasn't convinced.
Shinji was confused. Asuka smiled back at him when he did. He was caught in the sheer joy behind Asuka's smile. Almost as if it was waiting for something as simple as a cheesy plot summary to show it's hidden brilliance to the world…or to the right person. Almost like Rei' smile. It's just as restrained near the end, but full of so much emotion that Rei or Asuka themselves seem surprised at its intensity. However, to Shinji's surprise Asuka abruptly stopped smiling and Shinji was taken aback at the sudden change in mood until he heard her. She was just talking to herself under her breath, not realizing that he could hear, but it destroyed him nonetheless.
"Just a substitute." She murmured quietly. His eyes widened in shock and disappointment. Shinji looked away from her, hurt at her unintentionally cruel words. Who am I kidding? I can't be all that important to her. Or anyone for that matter.
Asuka glanced up and saw Shinji's hurt expression right before he turned away. Did he hear?...Good, he needs to learn his place here. Not the real thing. He's not…he can't be… Asuka tried to convince herself of this, but in her heart all she felt was the sickening sensation of guilt and self reproach.
End Flashback…
Just as Asuka and Misato were going to depart for the bus station, Asuka gave Shinji one last look. He's changed. He's still the same insecure, wimpy, perverted idiot that he was before, but…less so. He even talks a little more and walks a little straighter than before…what brought this change? Was it just drinking? I doubt it, otherwise Misato would end up the most stable and fastidious person that we know. I know it has something to do with that bar. I have to know…
Shinji watched the people passing by in the parking lot and couldn't help but feel a little sad at how closed off everybody was. I guess that it's natural for people to shut up to themselves when they're afraid. But what are they afraid of? I know what I'm afraid of, but…I don't know, I think I'm more…comfortable. Not with the Angels or how bad things are with my father, but with the fear itself. Maybe they just haven't realized that you might not get hurt…I can't believe of all people I'm the one saying this. Shinji marveled at how much he changed for the past month. He hadn't changed much, but it was a step up over the depressed, lonely little boy he once was. With his initial experience with alcohol being the catalyst, his isolation allowed him to think over things. Normally isolation just made him even more depressed, but now it made him almost contemplative. He came to the conclusion that in order to really be happy and make any sort of connection, he would have to reach. However, Shinji was still tentative in attempting it. Despite his best efforts, Shinji could always hear that voice of doubt and that tremble of fear of getting hurt for daring to not hate. Daring to be happy and thinking that a silly mama's boy would be worthy of it. Shinji sighed and shook his head to clear it of such moribund thoughts. He looked up from and his shoes and saw…Is that the tow truck...and Hello Kitty?
Shinji couldn't help, but stare openmouthed at the gaudy decorations on the truck. It was rather clever, but it screamed that the owner of the company was just a little cracked. It was neon pink with intricate designs featuring the infamous feline and all her animal friends. Wow, when I asked the operator for a reliable garage, I thought it was suspicious. When he called it 'purr-fect' I thought that he was just some creep trying to hit on me. The evil chuckle he gave afterwards might have been a dead giveaway. Maybe 2nd impact and the possibility of an apocalypse has been affecting people more than I had thought…
What surprised Shinji even more was the burly, tough-looking mountain of a man that came out of the truck who didn't even blink an eye at Shinji's reaction or to the truck's design. The Mountain, as Shinji dubbed him, was a tall, ursine man in grease covered overalls. His hair was unkempt and straggly wrapped in a thick ponytail, revealing a cragged face with oddly feminine eyes.
"This Misato Katsuragi's ride?" asked the Mountain, looking through the papers on his clipboard.
"Uh, yeah." As Shinji averted his eyes to avoid directly seeing the pink monstrosity, he faced the Mountain.
"Well, come on." The Mountain gestured to the truck's side seat. Shinji got in as the Mountain put the hook in. The interior wasn't much better than the exterior. Shinji's eyes almost rolled back in fear of the gaudy décor. Soon, they were off to the mechanic. Nervously looking for a conversation piece, Shinji fidgeted in his (shag carpet) seat. How the hell can I not talk about the Hello Kitty?
"Wondering?" The Mountain said laconically. Shinji blinked in surprise and nodded quickly. "Mind if you're in for a long story, kid?"
Well, I'm not doing much right now and it might let me take my mind off of Asuka and all that. Shinji ruminated. "Sure."
"Okay…you sure? It's one hell of a long sob story…all right." The Mountain belched and scratched his gut before starting, but seemed to emanate the tiniest sliver of anxiety. And it was a start that Shinji never expected.
"Let me first start out by saying that I was once a woman." The Mountain rumbled. Seeing Shinji stare goggle eyed at him, he continued. "Yeah. Really. Before second impact, not that you'd remember at your age, I was a real beauty. I was in all these dramas and magazine covers. Even had a singing career. A top model with nothing, but heroin and fluff littering my empty little noggin. But like all shallow, pretty bitches, I was unhappy. I didn't know what I was doing or why."
Shinji was still doing his impression of a squirrel, but the words that did register with Shinji seemed so surreal to him. Why would this man reveal such an intimate secret? Or was it that the Mountain's life was so irrelevant to himself that it didn't matter if he told a scared child a secret? Or was Shinji the irrelevant one? Shinji was inclined to believe the last one, but continued to listen, captured by the coming tragedy he was sensing.
"I had a boyfriend back in those days. He was always harping about how I wasn't there. Not sexually, but spiritually and mentally. The drugs didn't help obviously, but he was…special. He stuck by me even when I always cheated on him with strange men and women alike or went out clubbing and getting my fix every night. He-" The unknown man's breath hitched at this, but continued as if confessing his sins to an innocent boy would absolve him. "He always stood there to clean the vomit from my clothes or make sure that no two bit director would treat me with disrespect. To this day, I don't know why he didn't just leave. I gave him every reason to. I treated him like dirt…yet he always came back. It wasn't money. He didn't care about it. He was a leading businessman in the Sanrio Corporation. Mostly because he loved the Hello Kitty anime when he was a child. Said it was something special that brought joy to people…and in time I came to see it too. Also, he loved mechanics. Claimed that transportation was something that all people needed to get to happiness and that those attempting to fix their ability to do so were noble." He bemusedly chuckled and paused in reflection before continuing. "I wasn't arm candy either. He didn't care much about status and if he did, he could've found better off the street. I spread legs for anybody back then and he knew it, but he was still there…I think the idiot loved me…Too bad I realized it too late.
"2nd impact…I don't know whether to curse or thank God for it. With it, I came to my senses, but also…I lost the one man I only loved…After 2nd impact, relocation centers were set up all over Japan. Because of the centers, crime skyrocketed due to the limited supplies and sheer grief from the catastrophe. The idiot had connections to the government, so we were allowed to maintain our lifestyles…It was one of the few nights that we ever went out on a date and I was sober. It was a fantastic evening." The Mountain gushed, showing a hint of the woman trapped within.
"We just dined at the Truffle and walked through the park. It was so beautiful…until we were about to leave. A group of thugs from a nearby center came to us. Demanded our money and…a turn with me for each of them. I was terrified and he looked like he was about to go along with but I couldn't blame him. I couldn't whine to him about being unfaithful. For once, the thought 'I deserve this' crossed my mind. 'All right.' He said. 'Have your way with her, just don't hurt me.' At that point, I finally realized that I really loved him and felt regret for all that I did to him. Funny that all it took was for him to destroy me, so that I could realize it. I didn't care anymore if they wanted to rape me. All that registered was that he left and I was alone. They advanced and I just waited for my divine punishment, thinking that God was finally paying me back…and all of a sudden, the big idiot came back with a piece of broken glass and told me to run. H-he must've broken a window to get it because his hands were all bloody when he came back. Such a-an idiot" It was here that the man, now looking exhausted and bitterly amused, chuckled grimly. "I was so happy and scared that I did what he told me for once. The one and only time I listen to him was the worst possible time for me to have, but I listened. I got an officer to come with me to help, but it was too late. The gang left and he was on the ground. I held him as he died. He couldn't speak, but just smiled at me.
"I was never the same after that. Whenever I looked into a mirror, I saw a horrible shrew that abandoned and betrayed whomever she loved. My beauty was a lie…so I decided to repent. I would give it up and all that I was so proud of…for him. I changed my sex and gave up my career to become a mechanic, so that I could help people get to their destination sooner…I managed to convince the manager to let me decorate the truck like this. For him. A beacon of joy that comes to get people running again…so that they can go find happiness…" He broke off and stared intently at the road. For some reason, he felt better talking to the kid. The Mountain had kept it inside for years, desperate for any sort of release of the grief he held inside. I'd like to think I've earned a little peace through towing people to safe harbors. I'm not happy…but it's more bearable…
Shinji could only stare in disbelief. He wasn't disgusted by the man's confession, but rather in awe. By all rights, this man was once a selfish piece of shit and yet, he of all people reformed. He stared pensively out the window, lost in his thoughts. I wonder if I could turn like that. N-not switch genders or anything, but be willing to take such radical steps to make up for a mistake and change myself for the better. I don't know if I could or would. I've made so many mistakes so far and I'm so pathetic for being so unsure…I think I envy the transsexual…never thought I'd ever say those words before…
Kawahara's Auto-Shop
Luckily for Shinji, the garage was stripped of any feline related memorabilia and just looked like a typical auto shop. The tow jockey left to pick up another car, leaving Shinji to look over the people working in the shop. Not many to watch. There was just the manager who was currently negotiating with someone on the phone and two mechanics working on the Renault. One was only about 19, gangly, pockmarked, and looked as though he didn't want to be there. The other was middle aged and looked as though he didn't want the youth to help in the first place. Shinji continued to sit from his creaky plastic chair and observe the people until…
"I've got to go, boss. I've got homework to do" The gangly youth lied apathetically. In reality, he wanted to score some drugs before the cops did their regular patrol in the neighborhood he bought them in.
"Hrm. You're fired." The man grunted from under the car. Both the youth and Shinji were surprised at the abruptness of the termination.
"Wh-what!? Why, Mr. Kawahara?" demanded the youth.
"You're lazy, you miss work every day, you're a pathetic little shit junkie, and quite frankly you're the stupidest little bastard I've ever had the misfortune to work with," deadpanned the man succinctly.
The youth's hands opened and clenched as if he wanted to hit him, but instead of attacking the old man, the ex-employee huffed and looked sulky. At heart, he really was a coward. He left in a fury and punched the garage door as he walked out. Shinji kept his eyes trained on the old man though. He was fascinated at how decisive the man was. He's a little like father…
"Sorry you had to see that. The car will be ready in half an hour."
Shinji was surprised at how quickly the job was being done. "Th-thanks…um, do you need any help?"
The man stopped working and rolled out from under the car to look at Shinji with an indecipherable expression. "You think I'm going to break bones or something? I'm not that old, squirt."
"What? No. I j-just thought that you might want some help since your assistant just walked out."
Kawahara gave Shinji a long, searching look. To be honest, Shinji felt like he was under an electron microscope, being seeing down to the very last atom and fiber of his soul.
At last, the grizzled old mechanic looked back to car and tacitly demanded, "…Hand me the Phillips head there."
For the next half hour, Shinji helped the old man with the car. It felt good to work on something using nothing more than a simple tool set and his hands. No high tech, ominous robots. No creepy (yet hot) blonde scientist looking over his shoulder. Just simple work unfettered with the normal complications. Grinning, Shinji handed the man the next tool he asked for.
"So…you want a job?"
"What?"
"Well, I just lost an assistant and you don't look like a complete slacker or idiot." The man gruffly said.
"I-I don't know anything about fixing cars."
"Neither did the idiot I just fired, but if someone like him could learn, then…"
Shinji didn't know what to say. It was the first time that anybody thought he was competent at anything. Sure, Misato complimented him on his piloting, but it was EVA; something that he didn't want to be associated with to begin with. Also, he always got the impression that while he knew Misato cared about him, she was just saying it to make sure that he was mentally stable and confident enough to get up and do it all over again. She was the Tactical commander after all. However, despite being a stranger, it actually meant something to Shinji coming from the taciturn man. Maybe it was the fact that he was a stranger and seemed to honestly not care about his status. Or was it that he resembled his father a little and in a way this was fulfilling the void in Shinji's life? Shinji would never acknowledge the latter, but it was always there hidden under the surface.
"Why me? Couldn't you just put an ad out for more competent people?"
"Well, for one, you seem like a good kid. I worked as an officer in the force during the aftermath of 2nd impact. I learned how to tell the good kids from the scum. I need someone young and anybody who would apply for this job is just looking for easy work, so not much selection there…also, you're a pilot. That'll boost customers."
Shinji was surprised and looked down, disheartened at Kawahara's words. How did he know? Is that all he wants me for? EVA?
Sensing the kid's reaction, the man said "I don't do favors for stars. Don't whore myself out like that. Saw enough rich assholes out there that cavorted around, waist deep in their promiscuity and depravity while the rest of the world sank into murder and chaos." Kawahara let out a dark snarl at these words, bitter at terrible memories long past in his career as an officer. "The fame it'll bring to this dump is just a bonus. Now you gonna take the deal or not?"
For some reason, Shinji was drawn to the taciturn curmudgeon. He reminded him of his father. The same decisiveness and rough edges, but the old man lacked the streak of cold ruthlessness and the man had a paranoid, wary attitude that his father didn't have. However, they both seemed to hold the same level of brilliance, but were as different as night and day in displaying it. His father showed it cold, clear, and eloquent analysis while this unknown mechanic showed it with blunt, terse, and insightful phrases. Maybe if he understood this man, he might be able to understand father.
"I'll take it."
Misato's Apartment
"What did you just say, Shin-chan?" Misato asked slowly, trying to digest his statement.
"I said that I'm getting an after school job at an auto-shop." Shinji repeated for what felt like the thousandth time.
Misato had only one question. "Why?"
"Isn't it normal for any kid to want to get an afterschool job?"
"You aren't normal," said Misato bluntly. "You're one of three teenage pilots of the most powerful weapons on the face of the earth. Weapons thought only to be possible in science fiction and enough to make any leading nation quake in its boots at the mere whisper of them. Also, you never spend your pay, so I doubt you need the job for money. So don't give me that. Tell me why."
It wasn't that Misato didn't want Shinji to get a job, but she was just cautious. She didn't want Shinji to be taken advantage of.
Shinji paused before replying, "…I just want to do something normal. As you said before, I'm far from normal, but…I want to be. I need to be."
Asuka spoke up for the first time since hearing Shinji's declaration of his new profession.
"A dork like you working on a masculine profession? I find that hard to believe. This Kawahara guy must be crazy! Why would this guy hire an idiot like you? Do you even know the first thing about cars or even what a car is for that matter?"
"I can learn." Shinji spoke in a steady and strong voice, unwavering despite Misato and Asuka's unrelenting gazes. Learn to understand father a little. And…to not be some timid child. I feel that I need to grow up…if I want to survive and be happy. I think…I actually want to be like my father in some ways. Not in the way he leaves other people, like he did with me…and mother. He left mother behind to lead NERV by burning every picture…I'm not sure I could do something that drastic, but I want to be able to say something…and stand by it. To not just chant empty phrases…
Misato and Asuka exchanged surprised glances; an event happening with greater frequency regarding Shinji. Was their little boy growing up to be a confident young man?
"I think." Shinji muttered under his breath quickly after.
Guess not, Both ladies thought. Misato was a little relieved to be honest. She was worried that Shinji might be changing a little too fast for her to keep up with. However, Asuka was disappointed. For what reason, the redhead didn't know, but she pushed it out of her mind nonetheless. No need for me to feel bad over some stupid man. Boy…Yes, that's all he is.
"All right. You can have this job, Shinji, but if there's a hint of trouble like you getting hurt or the boss being some weirdo pedophile, I'm pulling you out. Got that?" Misato's tone of voice brooked no argument, but Shinji couldn't resist snorting at the thought of Kawahara being a pedophile. The man was too stern for something like that and if anything Shinji's impression of him was that the old man was too stern and irritable to be attracted to anybody.
Shinji was relieved, but with Asuka still in mind, he turned to look at her place on the couch. Surprisingly, instead of the expected outburst, Asuka looked decidedly neutral. Her face and body language were indecipherable. Without any warning, Asuka got out of her seat and headed to her room. Shinji was bewildered. Why was Asuka so off today? Was it because of Shinji's new job? If so, why would she be bothered by that?
However, for Misato the issue was a great deal clearer. She could relate the same way except her experience was about Kaji when he decided to sign up to become an intelligence officer in Japan. That same dread that strum in her stomach and the hope that he wouldn't come back a different person. Shinji was already in a dangerous occupation, but Misato knew that Asuka was afraid of losing him.
Two Flashbacks!?
"Wh-what are you saying?" Misato whimpered. It wasn't often that the flamboyant college student felt vulnerable, but this rattled her armor almost as badly as her father's death.
Kaji Ryoji looked away from the weeping woman to his drink as if it offered any better ways to break the news. "I…have signed up to become an officer…for the Ministry of Interior. I have to report to Hokkaido for training in three days."
"S-so, you're leaving me? Y-you bastard!"
Kaji wasn't surprised at Misato's outburst, but others in the bar were. Kaji shot them a look and they got the hint.
"It's not like that. It's just-" Kaji began.
"Bullshit! You just don't want to be around me anymore. You've already soiled the hot chick with daddy issues. Now to move onto plowing other needy women. I'm just damaged goods now. You know you were right all along, you can't love anybody. I was wrong. You never cared anything about me. All you care about is just getting laid. Well, you know what? Fuck you!"
Kaji looked outraged when Misato claimed that he never cared about her. Of course, he loved her, but…he just couldn't admit it. Not to himself, much less to the woman that he loved. She deserves better…Maybe, I should just…leave it. She'll be happier for it…I don't deserve someone like her. Not after what I've done. Especially not after what I will do if I'm guessing right at the recruiter's intentions. Just leave it…so she can move on with her life. Away from her father and all those that reminds her of him. Away from what causes her the most pain.
Not bothering to dispute her claim, Kaji stood up, paid the bill, and quietly walked out of the raucous bar. And out of Misato Katsuragi's life.
Tears stained the top of the dark drink. Salty expressions of grief soiling and mixing with the odious libation that she clung so desperately to as though it could replace the warm touch she longed for. After realizing that she was drawn to him because he reminded her of her father, she was both repelled and further drawn. I can't believe it…I'm afraid of losing him…I'm such an idiot.
With those last thoughts, Misato broke down crying on the bar counter, not caring about who would see, mourning the loss of another man in her life.
End Flashback…
As Shinji lied down to sleep, Asuka was still up and watching TV despite it being a school night. She was staring intently at the screen, but wasn't paying any attention to what was playing. Misato let her keep this way because she knew that Asuka was going through the same fear of loss that she herself experienced in that dank bar those years ago.
Asuka sniffed and tugged at her blankets on the couch. Why? Is that idiot trying to prove that he's manlier now? If so, he's got another thing coming. He'll probably just kill himself handling a tire, much less a whole car. He doesn't even need the money! Our pilot's salary is more than enough to sustain for the rest of our lives! Oh no~o, he has to be 'normal.' What's so great about being normal!? You'll never catch me being normal, that's for sure. Mama wouldn't allow me to!
The young girl clenched her teeth in determination. She quickly changed to another channel. A drama was on. Heh, look at all those dull people out there and compare them to any character on TV or in books. People on television aren't real, but they're so much better than the average jerks out there. They're not perfect, but they're not boring. Boring like all the normals. Let Shinji lead his stupid, average life.
Once again the voice of quiet optimism threw in its two cents. Are you sure? We do need him for piloting.
Asuka shot back. Let him leave. All we need is me. I am the best pilot after all.
A retort. Oh? Then why do you feel so uneasy? You know that if he leaves for a normal life…you won't be there. Ever. Not with your ambitions. Not with your pride.
Asuka licked her lips in nervousness. So? I don't need him. He's just a substitute. A plaything to keep me company. With my talent and pride, I deserve a lot more than him. A real man. Not this pathetic loser with any more ambition than to just live a dull life.
But do you want any more? Asked the voice. You might deserve more, but do you want more than Shinji? He's the substitute, but he's your substitute. Are you willing to abandon him…like your mother did you? If he starts having his normal life now by going to work a 'mundane' job at a 'dull' garage…that means you'll stop being part of it. After all, you're too good for that. Where Shinji's going, you can't follow. And right now, you don't have a 'real man.' So what are you going to do when he's gone? He may be a substitute, but he's there for you and who else are you going to turn to?
Asuka didn't have an answer. She curled up into a ball and held herself, trying to dam the torrent of emotion coursing through her. However, rather ironically, the very same pride that spurred her away from him that was inspiring her at this very moment to take action. What am I doing? Shinji may be a stooge, but at least he's better than a normal life. I also have use for him at this moment. The moment I find a real man or get Kaji, I'll cut my bond with him, but I'll make sure that he's not going to be stuck as some stupid mechanic. He should be grateful that someone as great as me is looking after him! I'll make sure that he doesn't stay with that job. His place is right beside me! I-I mean at NERV! Beside me at NERV.
Unwilling to admit that she was the one who wanted him to stay; Asuka fell asleep on the couch, dreamily plotting all the things she'd do to make sure that their connection wouldn't break. So she wouldn't be alone again.
A/N: I can't update for too much so don't expect something like a chapter every three days. I would give frequency to about a chapter every week to a month. Right at the moment in the story, Shinji's going to go through an introspective journey from his exposure to Kawahara. Kawahara is someone I don't intend to be a central figure, but rather a masculine influence in Shinji's life. Let's face it the kid doesn't have many male role models to consult. Kawahara will provide a sort of sense of morality in Shinji, but I repeat that he won't be central. This is a coming of age story for Shinji after all. Rei hasn't appeared yet, but calm down. She'll play a role in the coming chapters. I won't give too much away. (Who loves spoilers anyways?) But I will say that it will get pretty tight from here on out. Don't worry though, there will be some comedy. Till I update again, Good Night.