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He had never really believed in guardian angels, never believed that there were people on this planet who were meant to help us, save us even. The night he walked out of that bar with a beautiful woman attached to his arm, he began to have a glimmer of hope that maybe people do exist to help us, guide us through our tough times in life. The night he took her to the trailer for the first time, the night that he realized she liked him for who he really was, not some big infamous hot-shot from New York, the night he fell in love with her, that was the night he began to believe.
They had been each other's guardian angels, sent to each other to help one another through the toughest times in their lives. They were meant to be together, there was no way around it, it was fate. Fate had brought them together on that warm summer night so many years ago and fate would keep them together for many more years to come.
After talking to Joe for nearly an hour, Derek decided that he needed to call Meredith. He wasn't quite sure what he was going to say to her, but at this point he just needed to hear her voice. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and hit speed dial.
He was getting more and more nervous with each ring, he didn't know why it was just his Meredith, but he wasn't sure is she was still his. On the fourth ring she picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hey…"
"Derek…" her voice, almost a whisper, had never sounded so beautiful.
"I am so, so sorry Mer…I don't know what came over me…I never meant…I would never…I love you and I miss you so much." His words were a mess, he wasn't thinking straight, he was too caught up in the need to be next to her, the need to hold her.
"Mer?" there was silence coming from the other end, he was worried, worried that she was just going to hang up or tell him that it was over.
"I always loved that coat…it's the one you had on the first night you took me to the trailer…the night that I knew I loved you."
"How…" he asked confusedly.
"Turn around." He heard the line on the other end go dead as he turned his body to face the other direction. What he saw brought tears to his eyes. She had come, she had flown all the way out here to help him, to love him, to be his guardian angel.
They stood in place for only a few seconds before she began to walk towards him. He shook his head in disbelief as a smile, made only for her, began to spread across his face. As she walked up to him she placed her hands on his chest and looked directly into his eyes. She noticed they weren't the normal indigo blue that she had come to recognize, they were empty, hollow almost, she could see the pain, the regret swimming through the dark oceans.
"I am so…you are my world, you are what makes my world complete…I don't know how I…" tears started streaming down his face, "I don't know how I could say those words to you, how I could be so hateful, so demeaning…god, I didn't mean a word…you have to believe me Mer."
"I believe you…I do."
"But…" he said as she turned around to sit on the bench behind her.
"Everything you said…I've been told all those things before, I mean they are nothing new, it's what I grew up with but…to hear them from you…it was like I had a scalpel slice through my back straight into my heart," for the first time in a week she had tears streaming down her face, "and Derek, I love you, I can't live without you…but I can't…"
"No, no, you can't do this," he asserted, kneeling between her knees grabbing her hands, "Mer I screwed up alright…I screwed this up to the point of where I thought we would never make it back…"
He paused, placing his hand underneath her chin, bringing his face level with hers, staring into her beautiful eyes.
"Do you remember that amazing night we spent together the first time I took you to the trailer?" he asked smiling at her.
She nodded leaning her head into his hand as he stroked her cheek.
"Remember I asked you to trust me, to take everything on faith…I need you to do that now, more than ever…and I know I've messed up, I've betrayed your trust more than….I said all these things to you Mer and I wasn't, I was never talking about you, they were never about you….they were all about me, every single last one." He looked away from her trying to hide the disappointment in himself.
"Derek, what are you talking about?" she asked as she pulled his face back to meet hers. He stood up and started pacing in front of her.
"I'm talking about the running and the hiding and most of all the quitting. That is all on me."
"Derek, I've done my fair share of…"
"No, don't you see," he interrupted her, "I tell you these things…I love you, I want to marry you, I want to start a family with you, I tell you these things and you try, god you have always tried and I just…I walk away…me, I am the one that runs in the opposite direction, that hides from the commitment, that pushes you to the point of quitting…how are you…after everything I've done, everything I've said…how are you still here?"
Meredith shifted in her spot on the bench, looked to her left into the afternoon horizon, and cleared her throat before she spoke.
"We apparently lash out at the people that we love, you know why?" she asked turning her head to look back at him, he shook his head, "Because we know that we can count on them to be there no matter what happens, no matter who yells, no matter what the future holds we have that one person to always lean on. I get it Derek, I do, I understand…there have been plenty of times that I have gone psycho on those closest to me…and that doesn't make it ok, that doesn't mean it didn't hurt, but I understand."
"You are so amazing you know that." He said kneeling down between her legs again.
"I know." She laughed as she leaned her head in so their foreheads were touching.
He closed his eyes, reminiscing in the closeness and the smell of her hair. They stayed like this, in silence for a few minutes. Meredith couldn't help but notice the distress written all over his beautiful features. He looked tired and beaten down, so un-Derek.
"Why her?" she blurted out, causing Derek to open his eyes and pull his head back, "Why her? What was so special about her? How was she different from any other patient?"
"I don't know…" he stood up and ran a hand through his dark brown curls.
"Yes you do…Derek we've worked on countless cases together, the clinical trial, I've never seen you this attached to a patient…what was it? Was it the baby?"
When he didn't say anything she stood up and walked up to him placing her hands on either side of his face, giving him a reassuring smile.
"Come on talk to me…this is our new thing remember, communication or whatever."
"Yea…you've become incredibly good at it." He said placing his hands on her waist, hoping that they could change the subject, he didn't want to go into why Jen had been so important to him.
"Yes I have, but that is another story for another time…come on, it's just me, you can tell me anything, you know that…" she said sliding her hands down to his arms.
"It is just you isn't it…" he said more as a statement to reassure himself then anything. He looked deep into her eyes, he could tell her anything. When she had said that several months ago and he told her what was on his mind, he could see the urge in her eyes to turn the other way, but now…now they were full of nothing but certainty, love and understanding.
"She was you, I looked at her and all I saw was you."
"What are you talking about?"
"In the OR you and Addie kept telling me that she wasn't Jen anymore, that she was never going to be Jen, that she was gone, there was no hope…and I…I was back on that dock pulling your lifeless body out of the water, trying to breathe life back into you, literally feeling your body crush under the power of mine, praying," he paused overtaken by the emotions of reliving that day, "just praying that there was a way I could save you."
"Derek…" she didn't even know what to say, they had never really talked about the accident.
"We're doctors, surgeons…we're trained to be emotional robots…we work on a person for hours, give our all to just…watch them die and then we go on with our lives, we go home and we wake up the next day to do it all over again...and then there comes a day when we get to see the other side of life, the emotional roller coaster of hell...the day you sit and wait for the kind of news that changes your life forever…the day you put the love of your life's life in the hands of your superiors and colleagues…hoping to God that she makes it because you know there is no way you will ever survive without her, no way you will be able to keep breathing and no way you'll be able to wake up the next day and just move on."
They sat in silence, tears steadily flowing down their faces, both reliving the tragic, life-changing events of that day. Meredith had not realized until this moment how much Denny's words rang true.
"It changed you didn't it?" Meredith's tiny whisper broke the silence, "Even though I came back, it still changed you?"
"Knowing that the person you love is on the other side of a door attached to god knows how many machines fighting for her life while you…while you just sit there, completely helpless, literally watching her slip away…yea that changes a person." After a few moments of silence he spoke again, "I kept wondering how I was going to survive, how I was going to continue my life, live out the future that we had planned, live in a world that didn't include you," he said as he looked into her eyes, shaking his head he continued, "and I…I couldn't find a way…I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of having to live without you."
Silence filled the air as they sat, both consumed in their own thoughts.
"You know I moved out to Seattle expecting to live the rest of my life alone…I told myself that I wasn't going to get into a serious relationship ever again, because I didn't want to experience that kind of pain, that kind of heartbreak again…" he paused turning to her tilting his head, "but then you walked into my life," he smiled, "and you brought out the best in me, you made me the person I had always wanted to be…and before I knew it I had completely fallen in love with you…you saved me, you saved me from the ocean of sorrow that I was drowning in…and I," his words were cut short by the emotions that had overtaken him.
"You what?" she asked gently placing her hand on his arm giving him the courage to continue.
"I couldn't save you…I couldn't save you from your ocean of sorrow."
"Derek…all the machines, all the people that worked on me that day…they had nothing over the power that you have on me…You," she paused moving to sit on his knee and looked directly into his eyes, "you are the reason I came back, you are the reason I chose to come back…I came back for you, I came back for that future that we planned together…I came back because whiffs," she paused shaking her head, "would have never been enough."
Derek's strange looks led her to continue.
"When I…died…I uh, I went to this weird limbo place, sort of like a pre-afterlife experience I guess…there were all these people there, and Doc," she smiled as she remembered the dog that had brought them back together, "but, Denny was the one that helped me the most. He made me realize how much of a miracle it is that you are who you are. He told me that you were one of those rare people who actually believed in true love and soul mates, and he told me if I didn't come back, if I hadn't survived, it would have changed who you were and I…I never want you to change…then he told me the only thing we got from loved ones were moments, moments where our paths would cross, and it would only last a second or maybe two and then," her eyes welled up with tears, "then, we move on…and I, that whiff, that second or two…" she again looked deep into his eyes, "I couldn't wrap my mind around only getting moments with you for…I need you and I love you so much that it scares me, but I came back because of you. So don't you ever say that you couldn't save me because you, Derek Shepherd, are the reason I am sitting here in your lap this very moment…you are the reason I do everything that I do."
Derek stared at her speechless for a few moments, "I love you so much." He said as he brought his hand up to wipe the tears falling from her eyes. She leaned in giving him a quick kiss before they wrapped their arms around one another, "Thank you for coming back to me." He whispered kissing her on the top of her head.
They sat holding each other and just enjoying each other's company for a few minutes.
"So…" she said pulling away, looking in front of them, "are you going to introduce me?"
"This is my dad, Christopher Shepherd," he paused looking up from the grave stone to look at Meredith, "Dad, this is Meredith, the most wonderful, beautiful, talented woman I have ever met, the love of my life." Meredith smiled and then rolled her eyes.
"Suck up," she laughed as she removed herself from Derek's lap to kneel next to the grave stone, "It is so nice to finally meet you Dr. Shepherd." She said running her hand over the cold stone.
"Mer…how did you know where to find me, I mean no one knows that I come here, except my…did you call Mom?" he asked amazed by the thought of how she could have found out.
"I uh…I called Addison first, who told me I needed to call your mom."
"You called Addison…as in my ex-wife Addison?" he asked in total shock.
"Are you telling me there is another Addison?" she asked jokingly, "Yes, your ex-wife. I looked all over for you Derek and you were nowhere to be found. I wasn't going to go to Mark, and Addison is the only other person that knows you, you know, so I called her…she said you had this place you went to when things went to hell, but she didn't know where it was so she had me call your mom…and here I am."
"Here you are…" Derek shook his head in disbelief once again. "Come on let's go for a walk." He said as he grabbed her hand.
"A walk, in a cemetery? Seriously?"
"Yes seriously…there's this lake that has the most incredible view, I would love to show it to you."
"Alright," she said grabbing her bag, "lead the way."
They walked the short distance in silence.
"See that little dock over there," he said pointing across the lake, "that is where my dad first taught me to fish. We came here every summer until he died…I stop by every time I come to visit, makes me feel closer to him." Meredith placed her hand on his arm causing him to turn and smile, "He would have loved you."
Meredith smiled at him and then looked back out over the lake.
"It's beautiful, reminds me a lot of home." She said smiling up at him.
The word 'home' brought a smile to his face, she said it like it was an everyday thing. She really was ready for their future together. Placing his arm around her shoulder he pulled her in for a hug and kissed her head, "I love you."
"I love you too." She replied, her smile fading when he looked away and his features turned serious.
"Would you still love me if I never operated again?"
"What?" she asked totally shocked this had been the last thing she had expected, "Derek you cannot be serious."
"Why not? You saw that stack of folders, it was huge. I've lost so many patients Meredith, people have died because of me,"
"No," she interrupted, "people have lived longer because of you. You take on these impossible cases… do you know how many people you have saved because other surgeons were too scared to pick up a scalpel…do you know how many people come to you or are referred to you because you are the best there is? We all lose patients, every single last one of us, it's part of the job, you know that…but Derek, you stack your unsuccessful pile next to every other single neurosurgeon in this country, I can promise you that theirs tower over yours."
"You don't get it,"
"No, you don't get it," she interrupted him again, "we have to look at all the lives we have saved, all the families we brought back together, all the people that got a second chance at life, at love…they are what make you who you are," grabbing his hands she continued, "you have an incredible gift, one that some of us only dream we could begin to touch…I could never stop loving you," she said placing her hand on the side of his face, "but don't give it up…there is so much good that you are still meant to do."
"I don't know."
"I do…now is your time to trust me, to take this on faith…trust me when I say there are still people out there that you are meant to save."
"Why do you have such faith in me?"
"Because," she replied smiling, "you're you, you're amazing, you are the reason I and so many others went into this field."
Meredith stopped talking and looked down at her twiddling thumbs, a nervous habit that didn't go unnoticed by Derek.
"Mer, what's going on? Something's up, you only do that thing with your hands when something's on your mind."
Meredith looked up, she could feel the sting of tears in the back of her eyes. She looked over to her bag and grabbed the familiar yellow folder, Derek saw the tears in her eyes as she looked back at him.
"Mer, you're scaring me. What's that?" he asked pointing to the folder.
"Scans…of Izzie's brain…she has skin cancer and it's," she was trying so hard to restrain her tears, but her efforts were failing miserably, "it's spread to her brain…and you are one out of about twenty surgeons in the world who has a chance of saving her."
Derek was stunned, he grabbed the films from Meredith and quickly pulled them out holding them up to the sky.
"Damn…" he said shaking his head, he looked back towards Meredith after placing the films back into the envelope, the sight in front of him tore his heart in two. "Come here…" he said pulling her into a hug and kissing her on the head, he held her until she seemed to settle down a little bit. Pulling away he placed his hands on either side of her face, "I promise you that I am going to do everything that I can to help her…she's going to get through this alright."
Nodding her head she leaned back into his embrace. After a few more minutes of just holding her he leaned down to whisper in her ear.
"What do you say we get out of here?"
"Ok…thank you, for doing this."
"Thank you for everything…you have been truly amazing."
"I love you." She said leaning in giving him a quick kiss on the lips.
"I love you too…come on." He said standing up reaching his hand down for hers.
It was now more than ever that he believed she really was his guardian angel, because she had rescued him yet again.
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AN: Guys I am so sorry that it took me so long to update, school and just life in general has been kicking my butt lately…anyways there is the long awaited conversation between Meredith and Derek and I have to say it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever written…I hope you all liked it…I'm not quite sure where I want to go with the next chapter, any suggestions??
Reviews make my day!!! Thanks for your continued support!! - K