I'm back! I must warn you guys before reading this chapter that a lot of curse words have been spoken. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
Chef woke up and stretched and yawned. He climbed out of bed, put on his bathrobe and went downstairs to have some breakfast. On his way to the kitchen, Chef noticed noises coming from the sitting room. Chef opened the door to see DJ sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal. He was watching My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic on the telly.
"I didn't know you were a brony," said Chef. DJ paused the TV show and asked:
"What's a brony?"
"A guy who likes My Little Pony," said Chef. "I'm a brony too."
"So you're not mad at me?" DJ asked hopefully.
"Why would I be?" Chef asked. "Friendship Is Magic is one of my favourite shows. I watch it almost every day." He sat down on the chair next to the couch and said: "Can you rewind back to the start? This is my favourite episode."
DJ obeyed, but he had a question he wanted to ask. "Okay, but shouldn't you have breakfast first?" he asked Chef
"I'll have it letter," said Chef, dismissively.
"But breakfast is the most important meal of the day."
"Not for me! The most important meal of the day is the meal I put the most work into preparing, and that meal is dinner!" DJ shrugged. He decided there was no point in trying to convince Chef to get up and have his breakfast before watching cartoons, especially when Chef doesn't give a shit about routine. DJ and Chef had a great time watching Friendship Is Magic. After the show was over, Chef asked DJ for the remote and went into the DVR planner to watch a few more episodes of Friendship Is Magic that he recorded.
After watching all of the episodes on the DVR, DJ checked the time. He gasped.
"Chef, it's half ten in the morning," DJ stated. Chef rolled his eyes.
"I'm rarely up by half ten in the morning," he replied.
"So are we just gonna sit there and watch TV all day?"
"Today is Sunday, DJ," Chef snickered. "We ain't got no schedules today."
"But what about church?" DJ asked.
"What about church?"
"Don't you go to church every Sunday?"
Chef burst out laughing. He continued to laugh until DJ gave him concerned looks. Chef calmed down and said: "I have better things to do than go to church."
"All you're doing is watching TV," DJ pointed out. "Don't you wanna thank God for all the good in your life?"
Chef rolled his eyes. "I don't believe in God, or any god for that matter," he scoffed.
DJ was horrified. He could not believe it. His Momma always told him that there's a god called God. He thought it was common sense that God exists. In fact, DJ relied on God to carry him through tough times and he believed that God was the only reason why the Big Bang occurred or why DJ has not gone insane from all of the hardships he's endured… not that his peers considered him to be sane.
"Y-you d-don't believe in g-God?!" DJ spluttered. "WHY?!"
"Listen DJ, if there is a God, then how come my life sucks?" Chef questioned. "How come there's suffering and evil everywhere?"
"But Chef, if life wasn't like that, then what would be the point in going to Heaven?"
"There is none."
"Yes there is!"
"There's no evidence."
"Some people have had near death experiences!"
"They were hallucinating because of the lack of oxygen!"
"But what about that blind woman who had a near death experience who was able to describe every detail of the hospital room she was in?!"
"Now you're just making stuff up."
"It was on the news!"
"Then the news was making stuff up."
"But-"
"The media ain't always right, DJ. People lie."
"Then how do I know that you're not lying?"
"I'm your father! You have to believe everything I tell you!"
"Well I believe in God, and if you won't go to church, I'll go myself!" DJ stood up and went to the kitchen to put his dish, spoon and glass in the dishwasher. Chef rolled his eyes, believing that his son was a moron. He hated going to mass. He hated listening to the priest as he spews random shit about divorce, homosexuality, condoms, masturbation, porn, abortion, euthanasia, the death penalty, cloning, stem-cell research, fornication, blasphemy and sectarian violence. He hated all of that standing, sitting and kneeling. But most of all, he hated having to put up with children screaming and crying while their retarded parents just sat on their arses, completely oblivious to all of that shouting, wailing, pushing, shoving and bawling that is happening right in front of him.
The last time Chef went to mass was the first Sunday after his Confirmation. It was boring at its best, but there were only a few minutes of it not being boring. The children in the pew in front of him were having a row. The row escalated quickly, when the older kid shoved the other off the pew, causing the younger child to wail. He father finally had had enough and he slapped his son. The son began to wail. When the father's wife gave him the death glare, and when he realised that what he did was wrong, he too began to wail. The mother was forced to take her husband and two sons outside, where she slapped them as well. Chef and his parents could hear the slap because they were sitting by the door and when the father and sons came back in, they looked extremely traumatised. When the mother came in, she shot everyone death glares to indicate that this was none of their business and they probably would've done the same. Chef vowed never to go to mass again upon returning home. Conveniently, he turned thirteen a week ago, and his parents could finally trust him to stay home alone, so they allowed him stop going to mass at an early age.
DJ re-entered the sitting room. He was now dressed in his Sunday clothes, which consisted of a pair of grey pants, a grey jacket worn over a lime-green shirt and a grey tie. The gentle giant got on his knees and held his clasped hands before Chef.
"Please, please come to church with me!" he begged.
"Aw, for the love of… FINE!" Chef snapped.
"YAY!" DJ beamed, jumping into Chef's lap in delight. Chef rolled his eyes. This was going to be the longest hour of his life since he was thirteen. He went upstairs to have his shower, shave and then put on his suit, which consists of a white shirt, brown pants, brown jacket and brown tie.
At mass, Chef wanted to sit as far away from parents with small children as possible. The cathedral had two balconies where the congregation could set, in addition to another balcony for the choir. Chef and DJ sat in one of the balconies. They sat quietly on a pew, anxiously waiting for the priest to start the mass.
Then Harold and his family showed up and the picked the same pew Chef and DJ were sitting on. Harold's family consisted of himself (obviously), his mam, his dad, his older sister, his brother-in-law and his niece.
"You go to this mass too?!" Harold asked.
"Yes," DJ replied. "I go there every Sunday. This is the first time I've seen you here."
"Yeah, the priests in all of the other churches we went to are idiots," Harold replied.
"Or maybe Harold wouldn't stop screaming advice to the priest and belittling him," Harold's father murmured, as he helped his son-in-law to calm the screaming baby down. Chef covered his ears with his hands in frustration. Harold, who didn't comprehend what his father said, noticed Chef's presence and asked:
"Is Chef your new boyfriend?" Chef heard what Harold said and opened his mouth to scream at the lanky dweeb, but DJ – oblivious to Chef's reaction – spoke up first.
"No," DJ replied. "I found out a few days ago he's my dad. I moved in with him because Momma kicked me out."
"Does she go to church as well?" Harold asked.
"I think so," said DJ, scratching his head. "She claims she goes to mass at around half ten every morning. I go at twelve. I don't know why we never went to the same mass." Chef refrained from telling DJ that his mother never went to mass with him because she doesn't like him, and that she probably doesn't go to mass anyway. Chef knew he wasn't going to be heard over the baby's screams.
"Didn't you say you have more siblings?" DJ asked.
"Yes, but they don't go to church anymore," Harold explained. "My parents still go out of habit. My sister and brother-in-law still go because they visit us every weekend and they want to spend time with Mom and Dad. My niece goes because she cannot be left home alone and they want to introduce her to Christianity to see if she likes it. I go to see if Christianity can be revived."
"How do you mean?" DJ asked.
"Well, Catholic priests are such idiots in general," Harold explained. "If this priest is an idiot, I will have to correct him, and if he continues to be an idiot, then I can't go to this church anymore. There will be no more Roman Catholic churches in this town for me to go to, so I will have to start inspecting the Orthodox Christian churches. I'm pretty sure their priests are even bigger idiots in general than Catholic priests," Harold added, shrugging.
"Maybe you shouldn't correct them," DJ suggested. "I don't agree with their teachings about divorce, homosexuality, eternal condemnation and several other issues, but I'm still Catholic and I still refrain from correcting them."
"DJ, you shouldn't be letting idiots continue to be idiots," Harold explained. "It's unethical and immoral. Intelligent but evil people may take advantage of them."
"Harold, not every religion is a hundred percent accurate," DJ pointed out. "I just picked Catholicism because it is more in line with my beliefs. I still don't agree with everything it preaches, but is not a religion or religious denomination out there that I fully agree with. And some priests out there only say these things so they won't get excommunicated, or to see if their congregations than think logically and independently."
Before Harold respond, the priest spoke into the microphone. Mass has started. Harold's niece has finally stopped crying and has falling asleep in her father's arms. The first twenty-five minutes were so uneventful, Chef came very close to falling asleep. He would've fallen asleep if there was no advice being shouted to the priest.
"MASTURBATION IS NOT IMMORAL! IT'S AN IMPORTANT METHOD OF DETERMINING ONE'S SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND IT CAUSES ORGASMS, WHICH ARE GOOD FOR OUR HEALTH! CURSE YOUR BLATANT IGNORANCE OF HUMAN SEXUALITY! GOSH!" Harold shouted. The priest ignored him, although Harold's outburst did trigger several chortles among the congregation.
"FORNICATION IS NOT A SIN! HUMAN REPRODUCTION HAS EXISTED LONG BEFORE THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE WAS ESTABLISHED! CURSE YOUR BLATANT IGNORANCE OF THE NATURAL HISTORY OF OUR SPECIES! IDIOT!" Harold shouted. The priest ignored him, although Harold's outburst triggered several more chortles among the congregation.
"PROFANITY IS IN NO WAY BLASPHEMOUS! IN FACT, CURSING AND SWEARING INCREASES PAIN TOLERANCE BY FIFTY PERCENT! CURSE YOUR-"
"SHUT UP, HAROLD! JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" the priest finally roared. "I DON'T AGREE WITH THIS BULLSHIT ANY MORE THAN YOU DO, BUT REGARDLESS I HAVE TO PREACH THEM ANYWAY IN ORDER TO KEEP MY GODDAMN JOB! NOW YOU CAN EITHER SHUT THE FUCK UP OR YOU CAN JUST PISS OFF!"
The entire congregation erupted with laughter. This pissed the priest off even more so than Harold's rants.
"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU AND PAY A-FUCKING-ATTENTION! UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO EXCOMMUNICATE ALL OF YOU BASTARDS FROM THE CATHOLIC CHURCH!" the priest snarled.
"SEE?!" Harold shouted. "DO YOU FEEL BETTER NOW FATHER?!" he asked. He was simply asking the priest an innocent question, but the priest and everyone else in the church interpreted it as Harold being cheeky. The crowd went wild again. The priest went insane.
"THAT'S IT! I WANT EVERYONE TO FUCK OFF!" he shouted. The congregation fell silent. "I SAID FUCK OFF!" The priest was growing more impatient. The congregation remained seated. "FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKK OOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFF!" Finally, every man, woman and child in the congregation stood up and slowly shuffled out of the church in the midst of murmurs about what a tool the priest was. DJ was upset to be forced to leave the church before mass was over, but he kept quiet about the fact. He know how most of everybody else felt. Chef, however, kept chuckling as he followed DJ out of the church.
"Chef, that's not funny," DJ hissed.
"Yeah it is," Chef replied. "It's always funny when a priest goes bat-fuck insane."
"I HEARD THAT!" came a voice from behind Chef. Chef turned around to face the priest.
"Uh, can I help you Father?" Chef demanded, obviously not interested that the priest was furious with him.
"You'd better not think this is funny!" the priest snarled. "And are you that young man's father?! Because if you are, you'd better be married to his mother! I've never seen you in mass before!"
"That's cos I was never married to the boy's mother," Chef replied. "I just shifted her this one time because she was disguised as a dude nineteen years ago."
"WHAT?!" shrieked the priest. "You've engaged in the deadly sin of fornication?! And you've engaged in the deadly sin of homosexual sexual activity?!"
"Yes, yes I did," Chef boasted. "And I'm proud of who I am. You're just jealous because you're not allowed to shift, otherwise you'd lose your job." The priest lunged for Chef, only to be pounced on by Izzy.
"Izzy wants to have sex with a priest!" Izzy chirped. "After all, Izzy could do with some man-love after shagging five nuns!" Five nuns walked by. They noticed Izzy, waved and said in a seductive tone:
"Heeeeeeey, Izzzzzzaaaaaayy!"
"Heeeeeeey, nuns!" Izzy replied. Ignoring the priest's kicking and screaming, Izzy dragged him into the church. Chef rolled his eyes and said to DJ:
"Now I know why most Catholics don't go to mass."
And wraps up another chapter for The Hatchets. So what do you guys think of Harold's debut? What do you think of Izzy's debut? And what do you think of the priest's actions in this chapter? I can assure you that most priests are not like that. Most of them. I feel this chapter is significant because DJ comes across to me as the type of character who would practice his religion, and also because I'm one of the very few eighteen-year-olds in Ireland that actually go to mass, I do so out of habit. Believe me, most Catholics in Ireland don't bother practicing their religion at all! Didn't see that coming, did ya?!
Updates remain a priority. I might update my other stories before publishing the next chapter of this story. The next chapter will be crazier than this.
Until next time!