The Butcher of Torfan

This takes place right after the Major Kyle mission in ME1, which for Charlie, is after Feros, Therum, and Noveria, but still before Virmire. Additional information on Torfan and Tucker, and her history with the Reds, can be found on Charlie's character page on my tumblr.

Charlie stood inside the entrance of the compound with her arms crossed, watching her former commanding officer as he spoke with his "children" as she waited for the Alliance to show up.

When Major Kyle finished speaking with his followers, he approached her, standing tall.

"I'm ready. My children understand what is happening."

"Fantastic," Charlie drawled. "The Alliance should be here soon."

A silence settled between them, tension in the air, and she could feel Kaidan and Ashley watching the two of them. Pursing her lips, she chanced a glance at the major, finding him staring at her with his brows furrowed. "What?"

"Would you have really killed all my children?" he asked. "Like you did at Torfan?"

"This situation is nothing like Torfan. Don't even begin to compare them," she barked, bristling.

"That doesn't answer the question, Shepard."

Uncrossing her arms, Charlie stood up straight, turning towards Major Kyle. "What do you want me to say, Major? You obviously think that just because I didn't dive off the deep end like you that I'm some sort of heartless monster for what I did."

"You sent them to their deaths and moved on like they meant nothing to you."

"Nothing?" Charlie breathed, furious. She stepped up into Kyle's space, narrowing her eyes at him. "They were my friends—my family. They meant everything to me. You know that," she muttered, a knot forming in her throat.

"Yet you killed them," Kyle replied. "Even Brasher."

"Don't you dare bring him into this. I lov—" Charlie stopped herself, remembering they weren't alone, and breathed in a shaky breath. "I'm not explaining myself to you. I made the decision that day, and I've lived with it every single day since, and I will for the rest of my life."

"Commander," came Joker's voice over her comm. "The Alliance team has arrived at your location."

"Good. I'm ready to get the fuck out of here." She turned towards the exit of the compound, coming face to face with Ashley and Kaidan, frowning at the way they tried to pretend they didn't hear any of that. "Let's go," she ordered, stomping out of the compound, not looking back at the man reminding her of the worst day of her life.

- . - . - . - . -

Kaidan rubbed his eyes as he walked into the mess hall, a yawn escaping his lips. He stopped in his tracks when he realized Charlie was sitting at the table, a half-filled bottle of vodka next to her, and her pistol in her hands. She started taking the pistol apart, placing each piece of it on the table, next to a photo that was in front of her. He moved closer, watching as she took a swig of vodka, staring at the photo with the saddest look he'd ever seen on her face.

Realizing she wasn't alone, Charlie jerked upright, sniffling as she wiped under her eyes, her makeup there already slightly smudged.

"I thought everyone on this deck was asleep."

"I couldn't sleep. I just came for a drink," he replied.

Charlie held up the bottle of vodka. "You want some of the good stuff?"

"No thanks."

"More for me then," she drawled, taking another swig from the bottle before she finished taking apart her pistol.

Kaidan filled up a glass of water, drifting over to where she sat at the table after taking a sip. "Can I sit?"

She stared at him, her brows furrowed as she thought about it. "Yeah, why not," she finally answered, and he sat in the chair beside her.

Sighing, she took another drink of vodka as she stared at the photo, then putting her pistol back together again. Kaidan glanced at the photo too—it wasn't often people carried around physical pictures instead of holo ones, after all.

There was Charlie, and a bunch of men and some women, all in casual clothes, holding beers and other drinks in their hands, smiles on their faces for the camera, in what looked like a bar he'd been to a couple of times on Arcturus Station.

He was looking at her old squad.

Kaidan's gaze drifted to Charlie in the picture, a big, broad smile on her face. He never saw her smile much, though he could get her lips to quirk upwards when he amused her, but it was nothing like the grin she wore in the picture. Another person in the picture caught his attention—a man, passed out, being held up by someone else.

"That," Charlie started quietly, putting down her pistol and pointing at the passed out man, "was Private 2nd Class Alfie Corser. He could never hold his liquor. Poor guy had the worst hangover the next day."

"Who's that holding him up?" Kaidan asked, unsure if she would offer up the information.

Meeting his gaze, she stared at him, her brows drawn together, almost as if she were confused he asked. He kept his eyes on hers until she looked back at the photo, identifying the man as Service Chief Javier Estrada. She began to point to each person in the photo, telling him who they were and little quirks about them in between sips of her vodka and brief, bittersweet smiles. Eventually, she got to the last two people in the photo, her and another man.

Charlie gently traced her finger over the other man's face, her other hand unconsciously going to the additional dog tag on her chain.

"That… that was Tucker Brasher."

After hearing Major Kyle's conversation with her earlier that day, it wasn't a surprise that Kaidan recognized the name from the additional dog tag she wore on her chain.

"He was 1st Lieutenant, my second in command at the time," she continued, her hand still clasped around the dog tag as she stared at the photo, her eyes glassy. "He was such a nerd. He loved playing around with tech—even old stuff. He was sweet though, and funny, and could always make me laugh. He used to call me 'Sunshine' and I hated it at first—he loved it, said it was ironic—but it grew on me." Blinking back tears, Charlie breathed in an unsteady breath and swallowed hard. "I'd give anything to hear him say that stupid nickname again."

Without thinking, Kaidan placed his hand over hers where it rested on the photo. "You loved him."

Charlie nodded. "So much." She pulled her hand away from his, grabbed the bottle of vodka, and took a long drink from it.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan began, struggling for the right words. "I've served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command… not until Jenkins. I can't imagine losing that many men."

She glared at him, her lips pursed together. "I didn't just lose them, Alenko, I killed them."

"You didn't kill them."

"Yes, I did," she argued. "You weren't there, you don't know what happened."

"So tell me."

"Just go watch an old news vid about the Butcher of Torfan. That'll tell you everything you need to know." She took another swig of vodka. "Better yet, just go ask Major Kyle. He was there, and he knows exactly what happened," she finished, sarcasm seeping into her voice.

Sighing, Kaidan accepted the fact that she didn't want to talk about it—he was lucky enough he got her to talk that much about her squad. "I should try to to sleep," he said as he stood from his chair, intending on going back to his sleeper pod.

Charlie didn't reply or even look at him as he started walking away, until he heard her take in a deep breath.

"The batarians were dug in deep in fortified bunkers, with a bunch of traps set up in and around them," she stated, and Kaidan quickly sat back down beside her as she continued.

"We were supposed to get inside their main bunker and shut down the security and traps for the other bunkers so the rest of the Alliance forces wouldn't get themselves killed getting into them. But our intel was wrong—it was worst than we thought. The bunker was a deathtrap. The Alliance had already suffered heavy losses getting to the bunkers in the first place, and if we lost any more soldiers…" She sighed, taking a sip of vodka.

"I split us up into two teams and we went in… it was a bloodbath," she continued, her voice robotic, just spitting the facts out. "Only me, Hernandez, and Hunter made it to the command center. I got eleven people killed. I traded their lives for those of hundreds Alliance soldiers."

"Shepard," Kaidan said softly, resisting the urge to reach out and touch her, "it was… a tough situation. You made a hard decision, but you saved lives.

She took another drink and then huffed, meeting his eyes with hers. "You're one of the few people in the entire galaxy who see it that way. People are usually more focused on the deaths I caused, not the lives I saved."

"Maybe they should pay more attention to the woman behind the decision than the decision itself."

"That's kind of hard to do when that same woman made another decision to murder a bunch of batarians in cold blood. You can't forget about that part," she droned, taking another drink of vodka. "It's half the reason they call me the Butcher of Torfan in the first place. I have to say, the person who came up with that really capitalized on the dual meaning."

"Shepard—"

"That's who I am, the Butcher of Torfan," she burst out, her voice cracking as she gave him a desperate look. "The batarians… I lost it, Alenko. It wasn't like you and Vyrnnus—it wasn't even like the people I killed when I was with the Reds. I wasn't trying to save my own ass or protect someone I cared about. It was pure revenge.

"Because of them," she continued, pain seeping into her voice, her shoulders starting to shake, "I found bits and pieces of the man I loved splattered all over that bunker because he jumped on a grenade to try and stop them from killing my squad. And it didn't even matter because they killed almost all of them anyway."

"God, Shepard, that's…" Kaidan's stomach dropped. He knew what happened when someone jumped on a grenade, and to see someone he loved afterwards… he couldn't even imagine what she must have felt in that moment. He wanted to comfort her, hug her, be there for her, something, but he didn't want to cross the line between them, not when she was like this, so all he could offer was his words. "I'm so sorry."

"It was bad enough they killed everyone else, but him," she said, tears in her eyes. "When Hunter told me what happened to Tucker…" She pursed her lips, her voice low with anger. "I wanted to make the batarians suffer, for them to feel what I felt. So I had Hernandez hack the life support of the other bunkers and made the batarians we captured watch as the rest of their men suffocated to death. And then I looked them each in the eyes and blew their brains out, one by one." Taking another swig from the bottle of vodka, she tore her gaze from his, staring at the photo in front of her. "They call me the Butcher of Torfan for a reason."

Kaidan processed what she said, struggling for words. "You were grieving."

Huffing, she crossed her arms over her chest, shooting him a look. "Most people don't murder hundreds of batarians in cold blood when they're grieving."

"Most people don't have to grieve eleven people they considered family—including someone they loved—all at once," he retorted, his brows furrowed. "It's not an excuse for what you did, but I understand why you did it. You made a mistake, Shepard. And I can see that you regret it."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What makes you say that?"

"The way you talk about it," he simply stated. "You're not proud that you killed those batarians. You're sorry. And in pain."

Charlie stood from her chair, looking down at him with a frown. "I think you've got me confused with someone else, Alenko. I'm a cold-hearted, ruthless, bitch. I'm not sorry for anything," she drawled, then taking another swig of vodka. She grabbed her pistol and the photo from the table. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a report to write."

Kaidan stood, reaching for her, his fingers brushing her arm as she left. "Shepard!"

She whirled around to face him, and he could see in her eyes and on her face that she blamed herself for everything that happened on Torfan. He wished she could see what he saw in her—that she was brave, determined, smart, skilled, and so much more than the monster she thought she was.

Jerking her arm away from him, she swallowed hard and looked him in the eyes. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but you don't need to make me feel better. I'm perfectly fine. It's been five years, I'm over it."

Kaidan went to protest, but she cut him off before he could utter a word.

"Goodnight, Lieutenant."

He rubbed the back of his neck as he watched her disappear into her cabin. Kaidan forced himself to head back to his sleeper pod, thoughts of Charlie on his mind as he settled in and tried to fall asleep.

All he could do was worry about her.