Show Me That You're Human

Chapter 4: No Consequence

The first time Steve met Doctor Erica Holstein had been in the first few moments after he'd woken up, lost and confused in this strange new world. She had been dressed as a military officer from his time and it had almost convinced him, had the baseball game playing on the radio not been one he'd actually attended, he would have believed it.

He'd been taken aback by how young she was; the pretty brunette had looked no older than 20 to him, nowhere near old enough to be a Doctor. She assured him however, in their first session together after he'd come back to SHIELD, that she was 31 and a half and had worked most of her life to attain her doctorate in psychiatry and her PHD in military history. She was literally the most perfect person in the world to deal with him and right up until this poit she'd been doing a pretty great job.

But this time he felt she was wrong.

"Talk to me, Steve. How do you feel, now that you know?" Doctor Holstein's voice was soft and soothing and only aided to irritate Steve further. He didn't want to be here, didn't want to be talking about this to anyone but Agent Dugan. He especially didn't want to be talking to the woman who thought she knew better than he did about his own mind.

"Angry." He clenched and unclenched his fists and forced his words out. "Betrayed. Alone. Confused."

"Confused?" The Doc prompted. Steve glanced at her, meeting her deep-set, brown eyes.

"Confused as to why you thought you would know what I needed." He had no problems challenging the woman. She was obviously intelligent and strong; she had to be if she dealt with the things her line of work would produce.

"We evaluated the situation, Steven. It wasn't just me, there were a team of behavioural psychologists and psychiatrists working together on this." She rested her fingertips against her cheek. He sucked in a breath and smelled the sweet perfume she'd always worn. It tickled his nose. "We felt that the shock of finding out about what had happened in the past 70 years would be too much for you to handle, on top of whatever post traumatic stress disorder you may have already had from your time in the war."

"You didn't even ask me, how could you possibly know?" Steve asked, taking a deep breath to try and calm his rapidly beating heart.

"Educated guesses." She replied simply. "You're very important, Captain. Director Fury and the team only want what's best for you." Steve's jaw clenched at that.

"I feel like I'm just a weapon to Fury, something he needs to use… I thought I had no one from my old life but she's – they've – been there the whole time." He unclenched his fists again and ran them through his hair. "Why didn't you tell me, Doc?" He asked, trying to keep the desperation out of his voice. "I asked you more than once."

"I needed to make sure you could handle it and not have an attack." She gave him a pointed, almost amused look and his eyes narrowed.

"I'm not having an attack of anything." He bit stubbornly.

"You're having a panic attack." She corrected. "A perfectly normal part of PTSD, or Shellshock as you would call it." She tucked a strand of deep brown hair over her ear and placed her pen and pad of paper on the desk in front of her. The smell of spun sugar, an element of her perfume he guessed, intensified and he held his breath. "You were frozen in traumatic circumstances, after a war. You have to see it from our perspective, Steve. We wanted to make sure you could handle it. Your mind, my mind, the human mind is a very delicate thing. We were going to tell you, but the invasion on New York sped things up slightly, as did Agent Dugan telling you about her relationship to you –"

"It was Tony." He muttered and then fell silent. He understood perfectly well why they hadn't told him initially. Waking up in the new world had been enough to send him into a tailspin for a good week, maybe two. He barely ate, didn't sleep and had felt stressed out of his mind. Doc Holstein had worked night and day with him and he was very grateful to her.

But she'd lied. He'd asked more than once about the people who he'd used to know and she'd told him stuff straight from the file.

"I needed to know what happened to my friends." Steve said finally, his voice soft. "You estimated wrong." He stood, feeling his temper start to rise again.

"Where are you going, Steve?" Dr. Holstein asked, looking up at his tall frame.

"Out." He grunted, not bothering to be polite or look at her. He needed to get out and escape. He felt trapped, cooped up. Angry.

"We still have 40 minutes of this session." She pointed out.

"Roll them over till next time, Doc. I need to get out." He pulled the door open and slammed it behind him, striding quickly to the elevator.

He went to his room and gathered his gym bag.

Not long after he'd woken up he'd gone exploring the city on a motorcycle he'd bought on a whim and had stumbled upon a boxing gym in Brooklyn that reminded him of the ones that had been around in the 40s. It had appeared to be going out of business so he'd approached the owner and promised to pay the rent every month if he could use the gym whenever he wanted.

The elderly man – "Call me Patrick, lad" – had agreed immediately and handed over a key. Sometimes he stayed and watched Steve, swapping stories about his glory days as a champion boxer. Steve liked him, he reminded him of his old friends. It'd shocked him to think most of them would be older than Patrick now.

His only problem was that the bags were old as he was supposed to be and although still in good condition, they were no match for his super strength. He'd busted more in the first week than there were in the whole gym and he'd had to splash out for a couple of new ones.

He didn't mind. He had more money than he knew what to do with and fixing this place up gave him a small purpose in life. Maybe one day he'd buy the place, open it up again and help people.

He snorted and rolled his eyes at the thought. SHIELD would never let him leave. He was too valuable to them. An "asset to warfare" if Colonel Philip's words still rang true. He didn't doubt for a second that they did.

"Hey Cap." Clint called out to him as Steve shut the door to his apartment.

"Barton." Steve answered curtly, turning his back on his fellow Avenger.

"Where you goin'?"

"Gym." He grunted without turning. Clint knew where he meant and where it was. At least one person knew where he'd be so SHIELD couldn't stress completely. He was fairly sure SHIELD had the place tapped anyway as Nick had found him there before the alien invasion.

He rode the elevator down and let out a deep breath as he guided his bike out onto the quiet street. He hadn't even known he'd been holding it but now, as his blood pumped through his veins, he realised it must have been holding it for a long time.

He was mad at the whole institute that was SHIELD but he really had nowhere else to go. It was a rock and a hard place scenario and the best thing for him to do right now was to work off the tension the easiest way he knew how.

He parked in front of the gym and went inside to set up for a long night of repetitive boxing drills that would hopefully leave him satisfyingly sore and his brain numb and unable to think about anything else.

It worked for a while. The combinations dulled his senses until all he heard was the whooshing of blood in his ears. But then another sound filled them; a sweet voice calling his name through a choked sob.

"Steve…"

"I gotta put her down."

"Steve come back."

"8pm sharp, don't you dare be late."

"Steve…?"

A low whistled sounded from behind him as the bag flew off its chain, scattering beads over the floor, landing with a heavy thud two feet away from him. He turned and stared at the petite red-headed dame watching him from the doorway.

"That's a mean right hook you have there, Captain." Her lips turned up in a smile and he let out a surprised huff of recognition.

"Agent Dugan?" He raised an eyebrow, his eyes flicking over her new appearance. "Weren't you a blonde this morning?" It had only been a few hours but she looked completely different. Her hair, which had been a bright, corn-silk blonde was now a deep red, bordering on brown that reminded him of fall. It suited her, made her skin look lighter and her eyes more gold than brown.

"Wasn't it awful?" She pulled a face, running a hand through her hair. "This is much more me." Her lips tilted into a smile again and Steve met her gaze.

"It wasn't awful. I thought it looked pretty good." He dropped his gaze as he complimented her, focusing instead on the wraps binding his hands.

"Well thanks." Rory replied. "Tony thought it was awful." She chuckled, dropping her hand back down to her side. Steve glanced back up as he unwound his left hand and dropped the wraps onto his bag.

"Can I help you with anything, Agent?" He asked when she didn't say anything more.

"Rory is fine, sir." She told him, squaring her shoulders. "Permission to approach, Captain?" She nodded her head toward him and Steve's lips twitched. He couldn't tell if she was asking seriously or ironically. Something in her eyes told him it was ironic; there was a mischievous glint there that'd he'd seen much too often when discussing recklessly stupid tactics with Dugan.

"Don't you have orders to stay away from me?" Steve couldn't keep the bitterness from his voice. It may not have been Rory's fault but he was still hurt by everything. She could have made contact, away or not he was only too aware of all the means of communication in the modern world. It was petty, yes, but after everything he believed he was entitled to 'petty'.

"That's why I'm here." She replied, the mischievous glint suddenly turning determined and defiant and he recognised that look too. That look was famous to Peggy Carter when she defied her own direct orders.

"Granted." He nodded, pulling at the remaining wrap. His eyes didn't leave Rory as she approached the bench where his bag sat. She was effortlessly pretty, he thought, as he took in her tousled red hair and plain white tshirt and jeans. She stuck Steve as the kind of girl that didn't try to hard to look good but when she did she was a knockout.

Just like Peggy.

His cheeks flushed at the thought and he dropped his eyes.

"I was never good at following orders." Rory explained, stopping in front of him. She folded her arms across her chest and studied his face.

She'd seen him up close three times now and each time she was surprised that he was actually real. This man was her childhood hero. She'd grown up hearing the exciting and heroic tales of his accomplishments and she'd always dreamed of meeting him – and now there he was. 6'4 feet tall with sweat-slicked blonde hair and eyes the most amazing shade of blue she'd ever seen. He was exactly how her grandmother had described and she could see what had turned her head.

"Following orders doesn't exactly run in your blood, I guess."

Steve let out a huff of a laugh at his joke. Rory's smile widened and she shook her head, causing loose curls to fall over her shoulder.

"Not overly, no." She replied. "I wanted to apologise for it all. SHIELD, Tony…" She frowned, her lips turning down into an unhappy scowl. "Fury."

Steve watched her for a moment. She looked as mad as he felt and he softened toward her slightly. "It's not your fault." He said finally, shaking his head. "They sent you away."

"Because they knew I'd break my orders."

Steve dropped down on the bench, still studying her. "That's what counts then." He said lamely, not sure what else he could say. There was so much he wanted to ask, so much he wanted to know, but he didn't. He couldn't. She was probably already in trouble just for standing in front of him, if she told him anything it would probably cost her her job.

"If I'd stayed I would have found you."

"I don't doubt that, ma'am." Steve chuckled slightly, finally smiling at her. Rory let out a silent sigh of relief at that and returned the smile. She was glad he wasn't hostile toward her. She knew he was mad but she was going to do everything she could to help. She swung her leg over the bench and sat on the other side of his bag.

"How'd you find me now anyway?" Steve asked, tucking the wraps from his other hand into his bag.

"Oh you know, my super secret agent powers." She shrugged, glancing around the gym her eyes wide and brightly taking everything in. She brought her teeth between her teeth in a girlish smile as she turned back to him and Steve couldn't help but snort.

"Really?"

She laughed. "Nah. Clint heard me knocking on your door and told me I could find you here. Nice place actually, except…" She paused and stood, pacing over to a picture hanging on the wall. She reached up and peeled a small, black thing off the frame and dropped it to the floor. She stamped on it. "Did you know the place is bugged?"

"I had my suspicions." He sighed, shaking his head. "Explains why they never wigged out about me coming here."

"Pretty much. I sent the agent they had tailing you home." She explained and he looked up at her in surprise. "I'm guessing you didn't know about that one at all."

"No." He shook his head, his voice low.

"Hey." He glanced up at her and she smiled. "Don't worry about it. I'll talk to Fury. They were just worried about you. I'll get them to ease off now." He just nodded at her and she could tell he was upset. "So how'd you find the place?" She asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"There wasn't much to do when I first woke up so… I wandered." Steve explained, turning to look at her.

"We're in Brooklyn." Rory said, raising an impressed eyebrow.

"I don't sleep much." He replied, a slight shrug to his hunched shoulders. "So I wandered. Found this place, offered to pay the guy his rent if I could use it whenever I wanted. He gave me a key and, well," He paused. "It's my sanctuary." He smiled and looked around the place. "Well it was." He added, his smile falling.

"Ah. Well I'm sorry for intruding." Said Rory, wincing slightly. She knew what it was like to have her space invaded. Rory was big on personal and private space. Steve looked back at her, waving a hand.

"It's ok. I don't mind you being here." He assured her. "It's SHIELD I don't like being here."

"Well I'm clearly not SHIELD right now and I'll make sure SHIELD doesn't touch this place after tonight. That reminds me…" She held out her hand to him, smiling lightly. "Hi, I'm Aurora Dugan, but call me Rory."

Steve quirked an eyebrow as he looked from her hand to her smile, unsure of what she was doing. His hand engulfed hers when he took it and she laughed lightly, wiggling her fingers against his palm. "and you are?" She prompted, still smiling.

"I'm Steve… Uh Steve Rogers, ma'am."

"Nice to meet you, Steve. Come here often?" She winked as she shook his hand.

"Oh, you know. Sometimes. I've never seen you here before." He laughed, letting her hand go. She was like a breath of fresh air that he so desperately needed, from her grin to her laugh to her bright eyes. She was what he needed.

"I'm new. Thought I'd introduce myself."

"Well it's very nice to meet you, ma'am." He nodded as if tipping a hat. They were silent a beat before Steve laughed again. "What was that?" He asked, listening as she laughed with him. Her laugh was pretty and happy and he really liked it, he decided.

"A better introduction than the one we were given." She explained, running a hand through her curls. Steve smiled at that and nodded. "Our one sucked and first impressions count for so much."

"Good idea." He murmured. "Thanks."

"Anything you want to ask me?" She asked, leaning back on her hands. There was a teasing in her voice that suggested asking her a question was the obvious thing to do and Steve glanced at her. He found her watching him, eyes sparkling again.

"What?"

She laughed. "C'mon you must be dying of curiosity. I'm Peggy and Dugan's granddaughter for gods sake."

Steve pursed his lips. "Nothing that won't get you into trouble." He lifted his shoulders and looked back at his hands, picking idly at a bit of skin that had peeled off his knuckles.

"Do I look like I care about getting into trouble?" She laughed, pushing forward and bringing her knee up under her chin. Her scuffed sneakers squeaked on the metal bench as she shifted and leant against the propped up leg.

"No, but being here probably isn't breaking your full orders. Telling me things could be your final straw." Steve pointed out. Again, Rory grinned.

"It helps that Nick and my grandparents are good friends. I got demoted to a desk job." She said, rolling her eyes. "They can't really do any worse. Perks of knowing too much. It's either that or they kill me."

"Kill you!" Steve choked. "They could kill you?"

"Only one way to find out." Her teeth flashed as she grinned, straight and white and just perfect.

Her reply was a uniquely Dugan response and Steve let out a shaky laugh. He got the feeling that she lived up to the legacy her name held in his head, the kind of person who jumped head first into a situation and damned the consequences. He liked that in a dame.

"You got demoted because of me." He pointed out. "I don't really want to be the cause of your death."

"I got demoted because of Tony." She pointed out with a dramatic eyeroll. "They're not going to do anything worse to me, they like Pa too much…So – ask away."

Steve was silent, too many things running through his mind to form one coherent sentence. What had happened after he'd died? Where was Peggy now? Where was Dugan? Could he see them? Did they want to see him? Were they happy?

Questions that had plagued him for the last 3 weeks tumbled around in his mind and he almost missed the soft voice calling out his name. It wasn't until her hand was on his arm that he looked up.

"What happened to Peggy? You said she was happy, but what… happened?" He asked finally, after a few minutes of thinking.

"At first she wasn't happen." Rory said slowly, resting her chin on her knee. "She worked for SHIELD behind a desk, cracking codes and just generally having doors slammed in her face." Steve snorted at that, remembering what Peggy had told him the day of the procedure. "But then she cracked the biggest case SHIELD had seen, by herself, and Howard Stark offered her the director position."

"Peggy was Director of SHIELD?" Steve almost choked and pride welled up inside. His girl had gone on to do great things, just like he always knew she would.

"Founder and co-director with Howard. Pa – Dugan – was their second in command, working closely with both of them." Rory smiled, hugging her knee to her chest tightly. "They spent almost 20 years looking for you though. She never gave up. Even after Pa swept her off her feet." Rory remembered her grandmother telling her how Dugan had been a solid rock beside her for so long that she'd finally opened her eyes to what she still had. "Pa doesn't say much, but Grandma always told me he held a certain amount of guilt over falling in love with her. Felt like he'd stolen someone else's girl." Rory chuckled.

"A dead man's girl." Steve shook his head, muttering under his breath. "It doesn't count."

"You look pretty good for a dead man then." Rory said, smiling at him. She nudged his bag with her foot and through that, him and he looked over. "They only had one son, my father. His name was Grant and he married Angela Murray, who he met in college. They were young and had four children, Grant, Timothy, Margaret and myself."

"You're the youngest?"

"Yahuh. I'll be 27 in November." She smiled.

"How did Peg balance being director and a mother?" Steve asked, realising she was the same age he was when he went under.

"She and Pa made it work until my father grew up and moved out. She had to retire though because my parents died and we all moved in with them."

Her voice sounded sad and when Steve looked at her he caught her looking down at her hands, playing with a ring on her right hand.

"How old were you?"

"Just a baby; No older than 3. Grandma and Pa are the only parents I've ever had." She smiled, sad and wistful. "Pa became director after that and Nick was his second in command."

"It sounds like they did well for themselves then." Steve said, feeling a painful constriction in his heart.

"They did, but you were never forgotten." She told him seriously. "I grew up listening to stories of your heroics during the war. Saving Pa and the other Howling Commando's, dancing with the chorus line to raise money for the war –"

"I didn't dance." Steve interjected indignantly. "Who told you I danced?"

Rory stifled a laugh. "Pa." She admitted. "Grandma told the best stories of you though. You were her great love."

This fact made Steve smile a little and the sick feeling in his stomach quell. "What about the others? The other Howling Commando's?" He swallowed.

"Morita lives in France with his wife and 6 kids and their families. Falsworth went back to England and claimed his lordship; he also worked for MI6 until he retired." Rory ticked off on her fingers. "Gabe Jones is a Senator now, in D.C. Lovely family. His granddaughter and I are quite close and his grandson, Trip, and I went through SHIELD Academy together." She looked up at him, smiling happily. "It's not all bad, Steve." She said, reaching over to pat his arm.

"I knew most of that." He pointed out. That information had been given to him in the files SHIELD had actually supplied. "But thanks." He said hastily.

"No problem. If you have any other questions, you know where to find me." She tucked some hair over her ear as she spoke and rested her cheek on her knee again. "Or, you know, questions about life in general; if you just want to hang out… I don't mind." She added, her cheeks flushing slightly.

"Thank you." He aid, grateful that she was willing to put her job on the line to talk to him. "I could use a friend actually."

"Yeah. I know." She replied, earning a surprised look from him. She waved him away and lowered her foot to the floor. "Fury isn't exactly a tactful man. We had a bit of an argument about whether you were human or a weapon."

"Oh yeah?" Steve raised an eyebrow, wondering which he was.

"Yeah. Just thought he should be reminded that there's still a human behind the weapon who deserved to be treated as such." Rory stood, tucking her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. She caught Steve's eye, taking in his surprised yet almost humbled expression. "Don't look so surprised. Not every SHIELD agent is a heartless bastard."

"Not the ones I've met, ma'am." Steve stood also, picking up his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.

"Well, now you have." She said, turning for the door. Steve followed her, clicking off lights as they passed by the switches. "Do you need a lift back to the tower?" Rory asked, gesturing to the shiny black car parked out front.

"No, thanks. I have my bike." He gestured to his pride and joy. Rory smile and turned to him.

"Wandered into Brooklyn, huh?"

"I might have ridden." Steve said sheepishly. She laughed and shook her head.

"I was impressed there for a minute."

The car door opened and Steve made for his bike, a little reluctant to end the conversation now. There was so much he wanted to know, and the company was nice. She didn't stare at him, didn't remind him that he was something that was supposed to be special.

She treated him like a human.

"Excuse me, ma'am?" He called out as she started to close the car door.

"No ma'am." She called back, pulling herself above the door to rest on the roof of the car.

"Sorry. Aurora?"

"Yes Steve?"

He rubbed the back of his head, suddenly shy. He'd never been good talking to women, or asking them for things, but Peggy was the exception and Rory was Peggy's granddaughter so it shouldn't be that hard, should it?

"Would you like to, uh, grab dinner? Talk some more about, things?" He tripped on his words. "Not like a date." He added hastily. "Just… friends… 'hanging out'." The modern phrase sounded foreign on his tongue but he couldn't think of the equivalent from his time. He was trying so hard to get used to speaking the modern phrases as it made him feel like he fit in better.

"I have plans tonight, I'm sorry." She replied, shaking her head.

Steve nodded stiffly, swinging his leg over his bike. "That's ok. Uh… some other time then?" He cleared his throat, fiddling with the keys.

"I'm free tomorrow?"

He looked up at her and caught the smile she was sending him. "I'll check my painfully free schedule but I think I can do that." He nodded, smiling slightly.

Rory laughed. "Great! I'm sure I'll see you around the tower anyway." She waved a hand and swung into the car, revving the engine before peeling away. Steve breathed out and looked up. You could never really see stars in the city, but if he squinted hard enough he could pretend.

He used to like to look at the stars when he was alone during the war. His mother liked to tell him stories of the stars. She would say that all fate was mapped out in them, but you had to know what to look for to see it.

Now more than ever he wished he could read the stars and see his fate but he couldn't. All he saw was a vast blackness that held more life than anyone had ever thought possible.

Author's Note:

Felt like posting more so here it is. Enjoy. Reviews, likes, shares are much appreciated. Thank you.

Playlist:

No Consequence - Versa Emerge

Someone New - Hozier

The Kids Aren't Alright - Fall Out Boy