Last night was a mistake. I shouldn't have gone to his apartment unexpectedly like that. At least now I know what's been keeping him busy. HER. Why am I so upset? It's not like he's my anything… Well, he is my partner, more than that he's my best friend, but since I almost died from my cancer some months ago, I thought we were moving towards something more. He was so tender to me all throughout my illness and so overprotective of me after my remission. Maybe I had imagined it, but I could have sworn he and I stole glances at each other more often, and he'd touch me more, and… and… Oh why am I doing this to myself?! He's stopped all that after we returned from my mom's.
Now here I am sitting at our office dreading the moment when he comes in. Of course he's going to ask me what last night was all about. And what am I supposed to say?
There's a knock at the door and I look up. Seeing as it's Agent Connelly, I smile through my dismay. "Agent, how may I help you?"
"You can't. Is Fox in?" She answers me, not hiding the irritation in her voice. Clearly she's fond of me about as much as I am of her.
"He's not in yet, if you'd like I could…"
"Don't bother. I'll just discuss it with him over lunch." And with that, she turns and waltzes out of the office. She's so smug if I didn't know any better I could swear she was trying to rub salt on my open wound.
Should all of this even be a surprise to me? I mean I am not blind. I can tell she's a total "babe", as most men would refer to her. As a doctor, the words "anatomically correct" come to mind. She's tall, slender, with full lips, beautiful blue eyes and sunshine blonde hair. Every man's dream. And I've seen Mulder's magazines, she's his dream too.
"Penny for your thoughts." Huh? I look up and realize Mulder's hovering over me, a look of concern on his face. I was so deep in my thoughts I didn't hear him come in. "Are you alright? You had me worried last night after you left my place. I kept calling, but it just went straight to your voice mail. I would have gone to your place but I figured you wanted to be alone with you not answering your phone and all. Is it about Emily?" I see him wince slightly at the mention of her. Mulder's obviously not comfortable about reminding me of her.
"No, Mulder. I guess I was just a little irritated that you skipped work when you weren't really sick." Ok, so it's not nearly the whole truth, but at least it wasn't a complete lie.
"But I was sick. I had a sore throat. I mean, there was nothing important to do at work yesterday anyway, so I figured it wouldn't really matter if I took the day off. I would never just slack off and leave you all the work, and if you were buried in work yesterday, I'll more than make up for it. The only reason I was working with Agent Connelly last night was because her case was important and she had to report to her superiors today." Great, now I feel like the bad guy!
"I am sorry Mulder… I'm… not sure what else to say." I reply sheepishly. "Oh by the way, Agent Connelly was just in, she was looking for you, she said she'd just talk to you at lunch."
"Thanks Scully. By the way, she and I were going to a Japanese restaurant, I know that's your favorite, anything in particular you want me to bring you back?" Really Mulder, could you break my heart any more?
"No thanks." I say not even looking up at him. And with that, I hear him close the door behind him. I sit for a few minutes, not quite sure what to do. Then I decide to call it a day. I can't really work. I decide I'm going to call mom. I just need to talk to someone and Mulder's clearly off the list.
1 Hour later
"Sweetheart, has Mulder actually said anything that would make him and this Connelly woman 'official'?" My dear mother tries to comfort me. Always the logical one.
"Well… no, but mom you didn't see them, I did!" I argue, trying my best not to sound like a 14-year-old.
"Dana, Fox is allowed to see other women. What stake do you have on him?" As much as it hurts me to hear my mom say this, I know it's true.
"I don't know… I just… well… he's mine." Oh my god, I'm whining. When was the last time I did that? So much for not sounding like a teenager.
"No sweetheart, he's not." My mother tells me gently yet firmly. "Mulder is no one's anything… but I have a feeling that if you don't step in, if you don't tell him how you feel, Ms. Connelly will be able to call him her own." I'm silent, not knowing how to respond to that…
"I don't think I can tell him anything mom. I don't think he loves me. He's more interested in women like Agent Connelly. The ones with the runway model look."
"Honey, are you feeling… inadequate?" My mother asks me, somewhat tentatively.
"Inadequate?! Mom, I am a bright, independent and attractive woman. I graduated high school valedictorian, earned a full academic scholarship to University where I earned an undergraduate degree in Physics ahead of all the students I started out with in my first year, I was accepted into med school right after that, where I remained in the top 3% of my class the whole time I was there, meanwhile the FBI was already recruiting me before I even became a doctor, which I eventually did all before I was 26 YEARS OLD!!! Yes, I feel inadequate!" Oh my, did I just say that?
"You feel inadequate to Agent Connelly?" I bet my mother's enjoying this. She loves it when she's right. She usually is. I think about her question, for quite some time. Then I answer, almost in a whisper…
"No, mom. Really, I don't. I know I have my insecurities, but I would never want to be like Agent Connelly. I know her type. Relying on their sex appeal rather than their skills to move up in the world. She would probably try to sleep with Mulder, and then brag about it to everyone the next day. What a conquest, she'll claim, she slept with the 'Spookiness' himself, or something like that." Yeah, it's true that I don't feel inferior to Agent Connelly. In fact, up until last night, I always pitied her, knowing full well that she probably slept her way up the ladder. Knowing also that the rest of the bureau thinks that, and that all the male agents don't really have any respect for her. I know most of the agents at the bureau refer to me as the Ice Queen, but I know they all know that I am where I am based on my talents and skills, even though they hate to acknowledge it, based on the fact that I am a woman. No, it's not Agent Connelly I feel inadequate to. It's Mulder I feel inadequate to.
"So, if it's not Agent Connelly, then that leaves, Fox… Why, Dana?" My mom sounds a little surprised. Guess she didn't see that coming.
"Oh mom, I know whenever I bring Mulder up it's because of something bad that he did. I know it's usually to complain about him about how he has the most off the wall theories, or how he's ditched me again for the hundredth time, or how he infuriates me with his little annoying habits like leaving the office littered with sunflower seed shells… But he's so much more… He's the most incredible man I have ever known. He's witty, and funny, and charming. I've never seen a man more passionate than him. He has integrity. He respects me, and I know that should be a given, but you'd be surprised the number of people at the office who like to disregard me simply because I am a woman. But mom, more than that Mulder sticks up for me to these people, even when he doesn't agree with my ideas, which is usually. And though I get angry at him for defending me, inside I'm touched. He can always make me laugh, even on the worst days. I can always talk to him, and tell him everything and he never judges me, even when we don't talk I'm so comfortable just because he's around. When I am with him, I am happier than I've ever been… and sadder sometimes." My god, I can't imagine my life without him.
"Sadder?"
"Yeah." I answer wistfully. "Knowing he doesn't see me the same way I see him."
"Dana… are you telling me that in all these years you did not notice how much Fox loves you? How much he's in love with you?" My mother asks incredulously.
"Mom, I thought we were getting closer… more than friends. But it's not like that anymore. I mean he's still a good friend, but he's withheld any kind of affection for me lately… oh I don't know!" I say, exasperated.
"Well, can you blame him? You've done nothing but push him away since Emily died! He wanted nothing but to hold you in his arms at the hospital and at the funeral and afterwards. He said so to me himself. But all you ever did was tell him 'I want to be alone.' Is that what you say to the man you love? The man who I saw love Emily like his own because she was your daughter? You weren't the only one in grief, Dana." I'm stunned. I don't know what to say. I never thought of that. I was so consumed in my grief that I pushed everyone away. "Dana… Dana are you still there?"
"Yeah mom, I'm sorry, I'm here."
"Anyway, like I said, what reason have you given Fox to think that you love him? Sweetie, the ball's in your court. You two are meant for each other. I see it, Missy saw it, and everyone else who's seen you two together sees it. You should see it too. Have confidence Dana."
"… Thanks mom. I guess I needed that." I hang up on my mom and just wrap myself in my blanket, processing everything she just told me.
To be continued…
Thanks for reading everyone. Yeah, so I revised the last half of this chapter, I wasn't too happy with it. I thought Scully needed a longer conversation with her mother, something a little more to make her realize her situation.