Chapter Four:

Quiet Moments

"Wake up Raph." Li Jing whispered, his hands pressing lightly to Raph's chest.

Raph groaned and swatted at Li Jing's pawing fingers, but it did little to deter the young man. Li Jing continued to feel around the shell at Raph's chest. Pushing against it, it gave slightly. The sensation was much the same as fingers against his skin through a thick leather jacket, the type a biker would wear. Again Raph batted at the pawing fingers. This time it wasn't because he wanted to sleep longer. It was because his morning wood was threatening to escape his shell.

Li Jing pushed his hands further under the blankets along Raph's stomach. "Wow! Your shell, it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be. It's almost like leather armor."

The feeling of the young man's hands exploring his body, was amazing to say the least. His soft warm fingers working along the gaps in his shell at his sides before moving back to his stomach. Not that he wanted Li Jing to stop. Raph knew that this couldn't continue or things could get awkward soon.

"Alright I'm up." Raph quickly sat up, so fast that his back muscles clicked in resistance.

"Wow, you're amazing." The excited tone pricked Raph's ears.

At first Raph wasn't sure what Li Jing was talking about, but his cheeks started flushing red anyway. "Thanks, you're not too shabby yourself."

Li Jing chuckled and ran a finger along Raph's chest, testing the shell again. "Do you think you could take a punch to the stomach? Would you feel it?"

Raph was glad that Li Jing took his comment as a mere joke and didn't explore further. Li Jing stared at him like a deer in the headlights. As the moments wore on. Things were starting to feel more and more awkward. Finally Li Jing was the first to speak, breaking the silence.

"Are you going to answer my question?" Li Jing cocked his head to the side in confusion at the disconnect.

"Yeah, I think so. I mean, probably not now. If you did it now, I might piss myself." Li Jing started laughing before Raph could finished.

It was a surprise to see the young man being so jovial after last night. When the young man went to bed last night, he seemed so sad. But now, here he was a ray of sunshine. And if his smile hadn't been beautiful enough, his laugh was even more so. The room grew slightly darker when Li Jing stopped laughing.

"Well we can get up and have some fun or sit here giggling like school girls all morning." Raph teased.

"That sounds great, I have this new nail polish I've been dying to try." Li Jing blurted out as he pushed himself up from the floor.

"Are you serious?" Raph cocked his head slightly.

"No, it's a joke." Li Jing chuckled as he helped Raph to his feet slow.

And slowly was a good way to describe it. Because of all the damage Raph had sustained, plus the minor concussion he suffered equaled some failure in equilibrium. It also didn't help that Raph had the lingering pressure of a boner tucked uncomfortably in his shell. Plus the full bladder was the icing on the cake. At least his limp seemed more legit while Li Jing helped him to the bathroom.

"Do you need me to go in with you?" Li Jing asked, helping stabilize his friend.

Raph thought about it for a second and dismissed it as a lecherous thought. "Nah, I think I got it buddy."

"If you're sure." There was a hint of disappointment in the young man's voice, but he turned it around by continuing. "I'll go make us something to eat. If you need any help, give me a call."

"Alright, sounds good." Raph limped through the door, sliding it closed behind him.

This was the strangest bathroom Raph had ever been in. Not that he'd been in many in his life. But there was only a toilet, and a sink. No shower or bath tube. The room was scarce on decoration as well. It would serve it's purpose though. Raph reached down freeing himself from the cage of his shell. Thankfully his erection had gone down some, but it was still painful. Both from the intensity of the boner and the growing urge to take a piss. Raph splashed some cold water on his face, taking slow deep breaths trying to calm himself. Maybe alleviate some of the heat in his face.

After a few moments Raph limped out of the bathroom, using the wall for support. Luckily his legs hadn't been damaged at all. The only thing that was causing the limp, was the aching from his back. The longer he stayed on this feet and moved around, the better he was feeling. Li Jing met him in the hallway, a concerned look on his face. Raph just responded with a smile, trying to ease whatever worry this young man had.

"You doing alright?" Li Jing offered a shoulder, which Raph gratefully turned down.

"Nah I'm good, the longer I'm up and about, the better I feel." Raph forced a chuckle out, he may be feeling better, but it still hurt terribly.

"Alright, if you say so." A coy look came to the young man's face. "Well, would you like a tour of the apartment while foods cooking."

Where had this range of emotions been yesterday, Raph wondered. "Sure."

After a brief tour, Raph was amazed at the apartment's attention to detail with the eastern Asian culture theme. It had been a perfect mix of Korean, Chinese, and Japanese culture all rolled into one. Obviously who ever designed the décor was a top notch in their field. Not that Raph had any knowledge of the three cultures enough to know if it were authentic or not. All he knew was whatever Splinter had shown him, or told him about. Li Jing had explained that his mother had been the inspiration for the decorating. That Li Jing's father, who was an exceedingly wealthy business man, hired someone specifically for the task. Raph could hear the fondness Li Jing had for his mother.

They had stopped in the hallway on their way back to the kitchen. Li Jing pointed out the three portraits on the wall. His father Li Zhuge, a stern faced man. His strong Chinese heritage was unavoidably noticed in the strong facial features. His mother Li Orchid. A Japanese woman, who had been raised in Korea for most of her life. Raph saw that Li Jing favored his mother greatly. Finally a picture of Li Jing, when he was eight years old. Raph had never paid much attention baby's or children, but Li Jing had been a cute kid.

When the tour was over. Li Jing went back to the kitchen to check on the food. The warm smell of homemade noodles in fish broth was heavy in the room. Fresh pan seared sardines lay on a bed of sauteed cabbage, set on a wooden plank in the center of the counter table. The smell of the fish was so strong in the room that it almost covered up the light lavender tea that was steeping next to the plate of food.

Raph climbed up on his stool and looked down at the meal. In truth the only time he'd ever seen anything like this was in the stupid cartoons his brothers watched. It was beautiful and delicate, intimidating at first glance. A calm hand rested against his forearm, bringing his eyes up to see Li Jing settling onto his stool. Raph watched as Li Jing folded his hands in front of him, whispering something under his breath.

When he was finished, Raph was drawn to ask. "What is that you're doing there?"

Li Jing picked up his chopsticks and fed a noddle into his mouth, which he slurped. "I was saying a prayer."

Raph fumbled with his chopsticks, Master Splinter had showed him how to use them a couple of times, but he'd never been good at using them. "For who, if you don't mind me asking."

Li Jing sipped some of the warm broth from his bowl. "It's for my mother. I always pray to her before every meal. It was a thing we use to do when she was alive."

Raph felt a knot form in his stomach, as if he knew he shouldn't have asked. "What happened?"

Li Jing sighed, not out of frustrations, that much was clear. "When I was eight years old, she got really sick. Spending more and more time in the hospital. It went on for like a year. When the doctors finally admitted that they weren't going to be able to cure her, she just wanted to come home to die. It had been her wish, from the very first moment she found out when she was really ill. A few days before she got to come home, she slipped away in the night."

The corners or Raph's lips turned down, he wanted to reach out to Li Jing, touch his hand, do something to comfort him. "I'm so sorry Li, I didn't know."

"It's alright, that was like seven years ago." Li slurped another noodle before continuing again. "Besides, I had ample time to get use to the idea before it happened. The thing that hurt the most was the fact that mom hadn't been able to make the trip home. It did something to my dad."

"What do you mean?" Raph sipped some of the broth, it was rich and savory.

"When my mom started getting sick, he was all like. 'Don't worry son, you'll always have me.' But after it happened, he changed. He became obsessed with working. Anything to get out of the house. When he was home, all we ever did was train together and do homework." Li Jing was amazingly cool and collected as he discussed the subject.

"Man, that really sucks. You guys never do stuff together?" Raph picked up a sardine with his chopsticks, fumbling it into his bowl.

Li Jing laughed despite himself. "Well, we do some things together, but nothing fun really. We don't really even talk anymore. When we do, it's never about mom."

Raph took a deep breath as he picked the sardine up with his fingers and put it into his mouth. The sweet taste of the soy sauce seared on the crispy skin was startlingly tasty. A low mmm sound came from his throat unexpectedly. Li Jing smiled at the sound, before enjoying one of the little fish himself. Raph used this intermission to shuffle through the thoughts that bounced around in his head. Li Jing's story was a tragedy, that he hadn't expected to hear. If only he had some profound proverb to say. Even if he could just give the young man a hug, it would be better then what his mind kept coming back too.

"Li, I'm so sorry. I wish I could make things better." Raph set his bowl back down, turning his full attention to the young man.

Li shook his head, as he rested his hand on Raph's, it was almost hot from holding his bowl of noodles. "You already have." Was all he said, before going back to eating.

The feeling of Li Jing's hand still lingered on his, causing a blush to surge through him once again. Raph only hoped that it didn't show. Trying to be a cool as possible, he went back to eating. The rest of breakfast was spent in quiet conversation about happier things.

To Raph's surprise, the beautiful Asian inspired apartment didn't offer much in the way of entertainment. There was no television, no cable, no video games, there wasn't even a computer. Li Jing had explained that watching television had been his mother's thing. They would spend an hour after school every day watching cartoons together. After she died, his father discontinued the cable service in their apartment in Hong Kong and never bought another television for the half a dozen apartments he owns all over the globe.

Raph was astounded that Li Jing and his dad traveled so much that they needed six apartments worldwide. Li Jing simply explained that with his mom gone, his dad didn't want to go home again. It wasn't until then that Raph figured out why Li Jing seemed so happy. Li Jing only showed a full range of emotions when his father wasn't around. He wanted to ask about it, but Li Jing interrupted by asking if reading a book would be a good way to pass the time. Raph wasn't much of a fan of books. If he had a choice he would have said no, but with options limited, it would suffice.

It had been a long time since anyone read to him. The last time had been when he was seven. Master Splinter always insisted on story time before bed. It had been one of his favorite times, if he remembered correctly. Although he would never admit it. He was already swayed by the prospect of being read to, but Li Jing pushed the issue home by saying that he use to read to his mother when she was in the hospital. That was how they spend a lot of last year of her life. Raph simply smiled, not a sharp sarcastic smile that his lips has memorized, but a sweet, warm smile that an affectionate lover would have for their companion.

Raph couldn't remember the last time he'd spent such a peaceful morning. Raph slouching comfortably against the couch, his arms draped over the back. Li Jing was laying on his back on the couch with his head resting on one of Raph's thighs. It took so much effort to not pet the young man's sleek hair. He's not a cat, Raph had to remind himself during the pauses of Li Jing flipping the pages.

The story had been a beautiful one. About a Samurai who battled a demonic Ogre for the favor of a young woman that was held captive. Li Jing was reading it in Japanese, his accent was spot on. In honesty Raph only caught bits and pieces of the story since he abandoned learning the language a long time ago.

The words that he remember the most were the words for battle. It made it easy to picture the epic fight scene in his head. Sword striking maul, the force pushing the samurai back. His head hitting the wall. Blood dripping from the wound. Then the image was gone with the closing of the book. It felt as if something tore the image from his mind.

"My dad is home, we should go to my room." It had been the first time in hours that Li Jing had spoken directly to him.

The English words seemed broken when they left his lips, it took a second for Raph to realize what he'd said. "Can we finish reading the story in the bedroom."

"Nah, I'll finish reading it tomorrow, deal?" Li Jing rubbed his eyes, Raph could tell that they must be hurting him.

Li Jing escorted Raph back to the bedroom. "Get comfortable. I'm going to go talk to my father and get dinner started."

The front door to the apartment opened causing Li Jing to snap around in that direction. "Hey dad!"

"Alright, hurry back okay." Raph was feeling a warm pang of panic. They'd spent all day together and he didn't want it to end now, or ever.

A heavy voice called from the living room. "Hello!" It was emotionless in tone.

"You know I will." Li Jing chuckled and passed him a playful glance, before pulling the door closed between them.

With Li Jing gone and Raph alone. There was only one thing he could do now, reflect upon what was happening around him. Raph knelt down on his bedroll in a meditative posture. Hand resting on his thighs. It was rare that he took this stance, but his body never forgot how to manipulate it. The only noises in the room was the ticking clock on the wall and the periodic mumbles from Li Jing and his father rumbling from the other room. Raph closed his eyes and focused on a black void in the back of his brain. The low bass from the talking from the other room felt like thunder rolling in the back of his mind. The ticking clock, the sound or rain against the roof.

Splinter appeared before him, holding the same stance as he did. Around him were his brothers all mimicking their master's pose. Raph could see them as if they were there in front of them. He could hear their soft breathing against the rain outside. Could almost smell them, a scent that only a brother or a son would know of his family.

It had been the first time since he arrived at Li Jing's apartment that he thought of his family in the sewers. The way that they had teased him, the way they always teased him. If they knew his secret, he would never hear the end of it. The idea was too painful dwell on but too fresh to ignore. The sound of their laughter, the way they pointed at him. It's impossible to be gay when you have brothers to judge you. They couldn't understand how he struggled with it everyday for years. The attraction he felt for the same sex, the lack of understanding of why he didn't find the opposite sex attractive. It was a constant battle that hounded him like a nemesis.

Not that he hadn't tried to enjoy the opposite sex. The stack of magazines Mikey shared with him when they were twelve hadn't aroused him. None of them, at least not until the 'one' that slipped into Mikey's magazine collection by accident. Raph had taken it, it still rested safely between his mattress and box-spring. 'Boys of Summer' was what it was called, double deluxe edition. Raph stared at that front cover for hours thinking about it, afraid to open it. It felt incredibly heavy in his young hands. The giddy feeling in his gut like butterflies on the wind. The anticipation making him feel like a horny school girl from one of the other magazines Mikey coveted. The guilt he felt in his heart, when he paged through the magazine, mixed well with the naughty pleasure that burned in his loins. A dangerous cocktail that intoxicated the rage in his mind. Another facet of his misunderstanding that would be realized only as anger.

"Embrace who you are, my son." Splinter's voice echoed in his mind, it was so vivid that it snatched him awake from his meditation.

Sweat covered his whole body, his heart hammering in his chest. A dry swallow forcing it's way down the back of his throat. How long had it been? The clock on the wall said it had been an hour, maybe longer. It must be wrong, Raph thought. There was a sharp stinging coming from his thighs. When he looked down there were three small slits on each of his thighs, from where his fingernails dug in. He remembered now, this, the rage, that was why he doesn't meditate.