The Square Confessor (Part 4)
Summary: And it is back to Aydindril for our ladies. Now they have to wait until Richard and Zedd come back.
xxx
CHAPTER IV
Cara tries to stay out of the way after they finally come back to the Palace. They have to wait for Richard and Zedd, but she is restless and takes to going out on long rides, staying away for most of the day.
Each day, on her rides, she goes a bit farther, until the day when she rides so far east that she knows if she went any farther, she would not be able to make it back to the Palace until the following day.
She leans forward, almost standing on the stirrups of her saddle, feeling a strange pull, a siren's call: tempting her, whispering in her ear that she should keep going. Keep riding. Leave it all behind. She is almost certain Kahlan would not notice if she did not come back for the night.
She dismounts from her horse and stands, on the verge of that imaginary line for long minutes: one hand on an agiel and the other holding the reigns of her horse tightly. She lets the wind tangle her blonde locks, her eyes fixed on an indefinite point in the horizon, the setting sun warming her back as it descends.
An eagle cries as it flies high in the sky over her head, breaking her out of her trance-like state. Then, she shakes her head and simply rides back.
Aydindril is no place for a Mord'Sith.
xxx
Kahlan spends those first few days with her children and her sister. She is delighted to spend time with Dennee, and wishes she could talk to her about what she saw in the well, but she cannot bring herself to do it. She needs time to think things through on her own; before she can discuss them with anyone else.
And most particularly, with Cara.
She watches the comings and goings of the Mord'Sith. It is her Palace, after all, her city. Nothing happens here that is ignored by the Mother Confessor.
She regards her solitary figure riding away from Aydindril every morning, heading east. Always east: it is where Richard and Zedd are. Then, every evening, as the sun starts to set, she fears that Cara will not return, but she always does.
She wishes Cara could bring herself to join them all, but she lets her be for the time being.
After only a few short days, however, Dennee departs: she wants to go back to her own family, she has been away for nearly six weeks and it is time to go back. Cara makes sure she is not around when they say their goodbyes.
That very same night, Kahlan comes looking for Cara after the children retire for the night.
It is a night of revelations for them both, but particularly, for Cara, who realises that, perhaps, she has been ignoring what has been in front of her own eyes for a very long time.
xxx
It all starts with an off-hand comment from Cara.
She is trying hard to stay away from the topics that need to be discussed.
First and foremost, Kahlan's feelings on the possibility of Richard having sons with other women.
Kahlan's feelings on any topic is something Cara avoids discussing as a rule, but in this case, she feels more than justified in her reticence.
It goes without saying that Lord Rahl can do as Lord Rahl wants; take lovers and have children with whomever he pleases. Wife or not. It is a truth deeply ingrained into Cara, and still, she feels something inside herself rebelling against it. She sees sides when she is pretty sure she should not. She would much prefer for things to remain as they are, and never acknowledge that there may be sides, or that she might not be able to take Richard's.
Second and perhaps not less important, there is everything that has happened on their way to and from the Reach. From Kahlan's poorly concealed jealousy, to whatever happened at the well, and of course, the long afternoon they spent riding on the same horse, which had ended with Cara in a nearby pond, almost delirious from the prolonged contact with the confessor.
But in trying to avoid those pitfalls, inadvertently, Cara falls into another one, perhaps, deeper.
She has been concerned about the girls. They are happy, here; too happy. Cara knows life is not like that. Life brings hardship and pain, torment and misery, and she worries that the next Lord Rahl, probably the daughter of Kahlan and Richard, will not be prepared for it. That she will be weak later in life because of the softness of her upbringing.
She is not sure how to express these concerns, because she has been around Kahlan and Richard long enough to know good people do not begrudge little girls a happy childhood, but the girls have Confessor and Rahl magic. They are too powerful. They will have no equals. They may grow bitter if they are not prepared to face the reality; the loneliness that irremediably comes with being either a confessor or a powerful Rahl, let alone both things.
Cara has learnt many things in these last few years, since leaving her sisters first, and then, later, the company of Richard, Kahlan and Zedd. She has seen what loneliness can do to lesser people. To those unprepared for its choking embrace.
She rolls her eyes at herself because she'd rather pull her own nails out of her fingers than discuss such things with Kahlan.
It is unbecoming of her, a Mord'Sith of her rank, to worry about the feelings of three annoying little brats.
But she serves the house of Rahl and this needs saying. So she will say it.
Cara takes her wine glass and rises, moving away from the table where they have been having dinner, just the two of them. Kahlan had said her good nights to the girls almost two hours ago. Since then, they have been seated at this table, dining, going over the spare news they have received from Richard and Zedd, but also, discussing recent events and just keeping each other company.
Kahlan has been tentative with Cara at first. Almost shy. It had made Cara wary. But as the night progresses, Kahlan relaxes significantly, discussing a number of innocuous issues.
Cara, for her part, has been mostly just nodding and listening. Watching Kahlan as she tells stories of the girls, the palace, Zedd and a million other things. It seems to Cara that, lately, the Mother Confessor has been starved for company whenever she comes to visit, but that cannot be. She has Richard and the girls.
"Kahlan, should you be indulging your daughters this much?" she phrases it poorly. She can tell by the look of ire that crosses Kahlan's eyes, the momentary tightening in her shoulders.
Kahlan would not allow anyone to question how she is raising her own children, not even their father. But this is Cara, and she gets away with things nobody else does. Kahlan looks away for a second and when she turns her eyes back to look at Cara, there is only curiosity in her blue irises. "Indulge them?"
"Maybe not indulge," Cara shrugs minutely, "I mean. You and Richard. That is unlikely to ever happen again," she means for a confessor as powerful as Kahlan to find someone daring and stupid enough to love her. And for her, to love him back. The weight of duty that Richard lifted off Kahlan's shoulders, giving her three healthy daughters, is a blessing unheard of. One that may end up hurting their children, if they grow up believing that they will have what their parents have.
Kahlan understands what Cara is saying. The duty to continue the line of confessors is a heavy burden to carry. She knows it from experience.
She knows what her love does: she lived most of her early life dreading her own powers.
Cara had told her once that the experience had made her strong, but it had certainly come at a price.
She also rises from her chair and moves closer to Cara. It is something that she has stopped questioning. This thing she does where she gravitates towards Cara. She thinks she could find the Mord'Sith in a room full of people, with her eyes closed. If she was not the Mother Confessor of all the Midlands, she knows it is likely that she would follow Cara around; like her daughter Doly does: shamelessly and continuously.
"I know what you mean, Cara. But they are wrong, you know?" There is something like resignation in her voice. She moves to the large window, letting her eyes focus on the full moon, far away in the sky, "all those tales about confessors not being able to hold on to their magic? They are just that; tales. I will teach my daughters when the time is right."
Cara is confused, she moves slightly closer to Kahlan, who looks back at her, eyes searching, wanting Cara to understand what she is saying. Cara sees something new there. Something she has seen in the eyes of a hundred other people, in that other lifetime she has spent the last six years trying to atone for. It is pain, but not the pain of the body; it is the other kind, the one that comes after the body can no longer feel.
"I learnt to control it a long time ago," Kahlan murmurs, still looking away.
Cara is silent for a moment. She is not sure she understands. "You mean you can-" she gestures vaguely with her hand, not wanting to use crude words that will embarrass the taller woman "-and hold on to your magic?"
Kahlan just nods. Then, she laughs, but it is a strange laugh, hollow; devoid of any joy, "I also found out that, sometimes, there is nothing to hold back."
Cara frowns at that. She turns away from Kahlan and goes to the table to get more wine. She thinks she might have to murder Richard if he is stupid enough to lie with such a woman and not bring her the pleasure she deserves.
She moves the jug of wine towards Kahlan, offering some.
Kahlan just shakes her head and smiles self-consciously, looking at her empty glass. "I think I have had enough for tonight." In fact, she has probably had too much. And it is too bad, really, because wine makes her melancholic, and she has been feeling almost euphoric these last few days.
But it just seems to happen whenever Cara is around. She lowers her defences. She knows she can trust Cara completely; that the fierce Mord'Sith will not let anything happen to her, that she does not need to be so tightly in control when Cara is with her: watching over her.
She is not sure when it happened, but Cara is her safe place. She has been for a long time. Longer than she would admit to anyone.
She shakes her head at the thought. But it is the truth: she can let go completely with Cara. For someone who has lived her whole life needing to always be in control, it is exhilarating. And so, when they are together, Kahlan ends up talking too much, drinking too much.
Feeling too much.
Cara gulps down her own glass of wine and leans against the table, facing Kahlan.
"Are you saying that Richard-," but Kahlan interrupts before she can finish.
She moves closer and puts her hand on Cara's shoulder as she speaks. "I don't want to talk about this." She takes a breath. "We should talk about what I saw in the well, Cara," she cuts her eyes away as she confirms what Cara has known all along. "It also involves you."
But Cara just raises an eyebrow, pursing her lips. She is not sure she wants to know what Kahlan saw in the well, and she will not be distracted. Kahlan asking point blank to change the topic would have worked seasons ago, between two people vastly different to the ones they are now, but nothing is as simple any more.
Everything has too many layers now, Cara thinks in frustration.
She lashes out for no clear reason that she can think of, her sarcasm taking over. "Is the Mother Confessor not willing to reveal the truth about something? What would the devoted citizens of Aydindril think about that?" she drawls.
Kahlan looks at her sharply, removing her hand and stepping back. She hates it when Cara calls her that.
"Don't call me that." She asks in a hurt tone.
"I won't. But you have to explain," Cara extends her left hand, gloved fingers facing up and pointing towards the chair there, inviting the other woman to take a seat next to her. She is not sure why she wants to discuss this with Kahlan, but it just feels important. Like something she needs to know.
"Is there really something to explain?" Kahlan lets out a short laugh. Again, there is no humour to it, but she dutifully sits next to Cara. She looks down for a moment and then, raises her head to look straight into the calm, clear eyes of the Mord'Sith.
She is not embarrassed to talk about her intimate life with Cara. She has no secrets with Cara. Except she does, of course, but only because she knows there are truths Cara does not care to hear. "It just doesn't happen every time, Cara. It is a normal thing; we have been married for almost seven years now."
Cara just blinks in astonishment. She tries not to react. If she was sleeping in the same bed as the Mother Confessor, it would happen every damn time. In fact, most nights, it would happen several times. Cara pushes away from the table, to put some distance between them. "I must talk to Lord Rahl. He obviously needs some pointers." This last bit she mumbles as she starts to move away from the table.
"Oh, no. No, you won't!" Kahlan rises, putting a hand to Cara's arm, stopping her and turning her around. Cara tries to pull her arm free, but Kahlan holds strongly onto it. "Cara, it happens in all marriages, you know that some of the passion disappears over time." She shrugs her shoulders as she looks away. "It is different for women, anyway." For once in all the time she has known her, Kahlan looks fragile to Cara. Small.
Cara is just too shocked to process any of this.
This is the kind of conversation she has never wanted to have with Kahlan.
"So, Richard-?" Kahlan blushes and looks away, but interrupts again before Cara can finish. It is a good thing, too, Cara is not even sure what she was going to ask.
Kahlan only repeats herself. "You know how things are. It is different for men."
Cara does not even reply. She takes a step back before she does something crazy. The thought that Richard may be with Kahlan and not bother if his wife has reached completion makes all her blood drop to her feet. Or maybe, it makes all her blood rise to her head, because suddenly, it feels like it is about to explode, although she is not confused enough to ignore the strange emphasis Kahlan is putting on some words; the strange phrasing, her choice of words.
"What are you saying, Kahlan." Her voice is flat, dangerous. Kahlan takes a step back, finally letting go of her arm.
"Richard and I, we haven't shared a bed for some time. He has his own quarters. I-, we-. He still wanted to, you know?" she flushes a bit at that.
Of course he did. Cara can understand that.
"But we have not slept together for a while. I told him he could find other-," there is a pause then, a breath. Kahlan frowns. She looks confused for a second. "I thought you knew." She looks at Cara with her head slightly cocked to the side, like she is re-evaluating something.
"When did this happen." Cara does not want to hear any more, but she just seems unable to end this conversation.
"More than two years ago. It was never the same after the twins were born." Kahlan takes a breath and keeps going with her startling confessions. "I thought you and him-, I know Richard has someone else in his life now. There was talk about Richard and a Mord'Sith. I thought that it was the reason why he was going back more often to D'Hara-, that you-, that him-," now it is Kahlan that is making vague gestures with her hand.
Cara is a bit slow on the uptake, because really.
It is too much information to process, but when she finally does, she cannot help herself.
Her eyes open comically wide. There is shock and something else in Cara's face. "What!" But then, almost immediately, she deflates. "You are wrong, Kahlan." So totally, incredibly wrong. On so many counts.
They are silent for a long time after that.
"I see that now," Kahlan says softly, again in that strange tone that seems to be creeping into her voice more and more recently.
They stare at each other, shocked by the conversation they have just had.
By the revelations.
In the well, with Shota, Kahlan had seen a present that could be, a future in the making, but not the past. She had assumed all these years that Cara, that Cara and Richard-, she shakes her head to dispel the image, a breath that she has been holding for what feel like years leaving her lungs.
Cara too needs to think about this. She thought Kahlan would be devastated by the idea of Richard's sons not being also hers, but now she needs to re-think that assumption. In fact, it seems she has been making a lot of incorrect assumptions.
She moves slowly around Kahlan and towards the door, only turning when she gets there.
"I am going to get some fresh air," Cara says before leaving the room.
Life has always been like a game of chess to Cara. As long as she knows who the players are and what pieces remain on the table, she is fine. She is more than fine, really. She is usually ten steps ahead.
She does not like discovering the game has changed and she is the only one who did not know.
For as long as she has known Kahlan, there has always been Richard, and whatever else may have been between them was never important, because Kahlan was Lord Rahl's wife. As untouchable as the stars in the sky.
If Richard is no longer part of the equation, Cara is not sure where that leaves her.
Nowhere safe, that is where, she thinks.
xxx
It is the middle of the night when Cara wakes up.
"Mommie Cara." It is just a whisper, but it is accompanied by tiny fists tugging at the sheet that covers her. Cara blinks her eyes in confusion. Only one person would dare call her that; Richard's and Kahlan's youngest: Doly.
Cara does not know why, but since the girl started speaking, Doly has always called her that.
She must have grown very old and soft in these last few years, she thinks with a scowl, because she has never thought to tell the little girl to stop doing it. What is worse, she did not hear the girl coming into the room.
Maybe she should not have drank all that ale after leaving Kahlan's rooms.
"What is it, Doly?" She grabs the small girl, carrying her in her arms as she rises from the bed, glad to be wearing a shift. It is not the first time one of the girls has barged into her room unexpectedly and Kahlan has insisted that, because of that, she must always wear a shift to bed.
Cara rolls her eyes as she remembers that conversation; Cara standing in her room, unconcerned, completely in the buff and Kahlan looking bright red and trying very hard to avoid looking down.
It had been a good day. Kahlan had looked down twice.
But Cara can admit now that wearing a shift may have turned out to be a good idea.
She pets the head of the little girl awkwardly, trying to calm her down. "Why are you here, Doly? Couldn't you sleep?" She whispers the words into the soft dark curls of the girl. Doly is, out of the three, the one that looks the most like Kahlan, with her dark wavy hair and big blue eyes.
The girl shakes her head against Cara's neck. "Mama is crying. She cries when you are here. Make it better?" She sounds frightened, like only children can be when their worlds turn upside down on them. It is children that cry; not parents.
Cara just looks at the little girl for a moment. Doly will be a powerful confessor one day. She can already see what others fail to see.
"Don't worry, Doly. I'm going to make it better." She can feel Doly nod against her neck and then, she hears her yawning.
Cara has righted her world and now that she has passed her burden to someone else, Doly is ready to go back to sleep.
Cara carries her to her room and puts the child to bed. The other two are still sleeping. Then, she moves to Kahlan's room. The connecting door between her room and that of the girls is open. Doly must had woken during the night and tried to get to her mother's room before she went to Cara's.
She closes the door behind her and moves quietly into the room, Kahlan is on her side, facing away from her. She hardly uses any of the large bed, which could comfortably sleep three very large men. Cara walks around the bed until she is facing Kahlan. It is a clear night, with a full moon presiding high in the sky. She can see the shadow of dried tears on Kahlan's cheeks, but the confessor is asleep.
She looks troubled, even in sleep.
Cara is not sure what to do for a moment. She considers going back to her room, but then, she looks towards the door to the girls' room and thinks about Doly, about the conversation of a few hours ago, about Kahlan. She shakes her head in annoyance. It is always Kahlan. Kahlan, and now, her daughters. She wonders why she should care about crying four-year old girls. About crying confessors.
This is the last thing she needs.
She cries when you are here.
The words Doly said sit on her stomach like a gar batting its wings and breathing fire into her entrails.
She moves to the other side of the bed and sits on top of the covers, her back against a couple of large pillows. Her face set into a scowl of determination, arms crossed.
She will fix this.
Somehow.
xxx
Kahlan wakes the next morning to the sound of laughter and the feeling of one of her daughters, "oomph," make that two of them, crawling all over her.
"Mama," Kyla tries to whisper, but she is lying heavily on top of Kahlan's stomach, so there is not much point in keeping quiet.
"Wake up, mama!" Sonja does not really try to be quiet. She is awake and she figures so should be her mother. She bounces on top of Kahlan, making her laugh.
Kahlan smiles at her daughters and when she turns on her back, careful not to throw them off the bed, she rises a bit, noticing there are two other people on the bed: Cara and Doly. Doly is happily sitting on top of Cara, and Cara is watching Kahlan and her other two daughters, eyes narrowed at them all.
Kahlan is surprised, but not in a bad way; she loves waking up surrounding by her loved ones, and that certainly includes Cara.
"Good morning, girls," she smiles. Her voice is rough from sleep.
She moves to kiss each of the girls on the bed, first Kyla and Sonja, pushing them gently out of the bed as she sits up and tries to bring some order into her wild dark hair. Then, she turns to the other two, moving up in the bed and slightly to her left, so that she can reach them. She leans forward, bending to kiss Doly on the nose, and then, straightening up, she kisses Cara's soft cheek, lingering there a bit longer than she did when she kissed her daughters.
"Good morning, Cara." Kahlan says softly. She feels a bit shy, but she recovers quickly. She gives Cara a big smile, reaching out to move some blonde strands of hair out of her face, placing them behind a delicate ear. It always amuses Kahlan that this strong, feral warrior has such soft skin and delicate features. Cara is a woman of beautiful contrasts.
She is also amused to see Cara rolling her eyes at her. "I guess it is a passably good morning," Cara grumbles.
Kahlan cannot think of many people that could get away with kissing the Mord'Sith on the cheek and touching her like she just did. Probably just her and her daughters.
"Can we have breakfast with Cara, mama?" Kyla almost shouts.
Cara winces and thinks she is too excited considering how early it is.
"You can, but you have to get dressed first, Kyla." It is amazing to Kahlan what her daughters will do to spend time with their favourite Mord'Sith. They do everything Kahlan tells them to do without protest if that gets them time with Cara. She guesses they are just as whipped as she, herself, is.
She watches as Kyla nods and grabs Sonja and starts moving towards the connecting door. "Come on, Doly. We have to dress!"
Cara puts the tiny girl on the floor. Doly, after only a moment hesitation, follows her sisters into their bedroom. Kahlan knows Martha will be there soon, helping them get ready, so she does not follow. She just sits up in the bed, next to Cara, letting their shoulders touch. She looks at their legs, side by side over the bedspread and notices, as she always does, how tanned Cara's skin looks next to her milky whiteness and freckles. Not for the first time, she wonders how Cara can be this tanned, considering she is always wearing her leathers.
Kahlan reaches for Cara's hand hesitantly, but the Mord'Sith allows it. The touch is electrifying. Cara's hand is soft, her fingers long and elegant. Kahlan blushes slightly as she caresses the back of Cara's fingers. Kahlan has given birth to three children. She is no longer the shy girl that struggled to understand her feelings for the Mord'Sith. She knows she is attracted to Cara. She has always been. It only makes the fact that she is no longer attracted to Richard even more obvious.
"This is no longer safe, Kahlan." Cara says, but she does not pull away. She is continuing a conversation she has been having in her own head all night. About her little games, about desire and attraction and fondness and whatever this is between them. "Women are not different," she says meaningfully.
Now it is Kahlan that is slow on the uptake. She is not sure what Cara means, but she is happy to just sit there, caressing the back of Cara's hand with her thumb and letting some of her weight rest on the blonde.
If she sneaks a peek down Cara's shift it is entirely accidental and because Cara, being Cara, only just meets the requirement of wearing a shift to bed and insists on leaving most of the ties undone and not wearing anything underneath.
xxx
Breakfast with the Amnells is exactly the kind of affair Cara avoids.
With good reason.
The children are talkative and loud and ask Cara a thousand questions.
Kyla wants to know how many people she has killed and if she has any sisters like she does, and if the agiels hurt her hands, and can she hold them? In the meanwhile, Sonja wants to know how she can get a set of leathers just like Cara's so that she can wear them to school when she is old like Kyla, and she wants to know if Cara still has her princess dress because she is sure that she would look beautiful wearing it, and does Cara like her new blue dress? Doly, for her part, insists on sitting by her side. She is mostly quiet, except she tugs on her sleeve and whispers 'mommie Cara,' every time she wants to call her attention, most often to ask for more raspberry jam.
Cara ignores most of the questions, answers one or two, and deflects the others so that Kahlan can deal with them, all the while piling unhealthy amounts of jam on her bread and Doly's.
But the worst thing is Kahlan herself. She spends the whole meal staring at Cara.
Smiling.
It makes Cara want to run to the stables, get her horse and ride east until she finds Richard and the others.
xxx