Of Love and Letters
James and Lily's death left Remus heartbroken and alone. Desperate, Remus writes a letter to Sirius to give himself closure. [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]
Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I only dare lay claim on my imagination.
Dear Sirius -
I don't know whether is it that you don't receive my letters, or that it is you can't reply them. Either way, I'm not receiving anything from you.
I'd laugh if our letters were being intercepted by some of Voldermort's minions. Imagine them reading all kinds of mushy stuff I write to you. Oh. Well. I would love to see their reactions. Maybe not.
Love,
Moony
Dear Sirius,
Things are not good outside. Not for the order, not for me. Not for me, especially. Voldermort's taken over the ministry completely and they're drafting creatures into the war. You get what I mean.
I hope you are doing okay inside.
Love,
Remus
Dear Sirius,
It's odd, having to write and not receiving any replies. I don't blame you - of course I don't, but it's seriously unsettling to do so.
I feel like I'm holding a conversation with myself - I probably am comforting myself through this period while I try to reach out to you. They say people who talk to themselves are crazy. Maybe this is a sign that I am. Thing is, I can't stop myself from writing. I feel like I have the responsibility to reach out to you, to at least provide a bit a comfort in there. I feel like if I stop writing to you, I might really go crazy. It's funny, you know, for in your last letter you said words weren't enough for us, but now it's all we have.
Words. When used correctly they can morph to mean beautiful things, convey meaningful messages, but I can't seem to use them properly. They are simply not enough for what I want to express.
I am frustrated, Sirius, because I can't be there with you, because I can't seem to be able to say the right things the right way, and because I feel like I've failed you in a certain way.
I feel like I shouldn't have doubted you in the first place, should've instead hid you somewhere until things where cleared up. I felt like I should have done something -anything- to keep you out from that place. I tried, Sirius, but it was too late. I am still trying, Sirius, but it will take time. I'm sorry I didn't have the capabilities to help you, Sirius, sorry that I didn't have enough faith to trust you - but all the evidence was against you, can you blame me?
Forgive me?
Love,
Remus
Dear Sirius,
I miss you.
Love,
Remus
Dear Sirius,
Last night's moon was horrible. It's the seventh moon I've had without you but it's still terrible.
I think the wolf is sadder than me, more emotional, anyway. It missed you, too.
The wolf hasn't gotten used to your absence, and I think I haven't, too. You know, sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder why you aren't banging around in the kitchen for food. Sometimes I spot something that I think you'll like and I jot down a mental note - but you aren't there when I get home.
It's difficult, this "getting used to" thing. Every morning, every night, I forget that you're not here. It hurts so much, Sirius. It's like the wound on my chest tears open over and over again, day after day.
I long to see you so much, to just see your hard, angular jaw, your stormy grey eyes, your boyish face. I would do anything to be able to hug you, kiss you, just one more time. I want to look into your eyes and say that I love you.
I hasn't been very long, Sirius, but I miss you so damn much. I don't think can ever get used to it.
Love,
Remus
Dear Sirius,
You're the one in there with the dementors, but I feel as if I can never be happy again.
Love, Remus
Dear Sirius,
Happy birthday. It's your 24th birthday, if you've forgotten. I can't comment on how time has passed so quickly - as how others usually do on birthdays - because it has not. Unfortunate circumstances has led us to this point, Sirius, but I am grateful. I am grateful that you are still here in my life, I am grateful that we are both still here. I am grateful that we got the chance to know each other, love each other. Take heart that we at least had time together.
You know, I still remember that during your 14th birthday, you insisted that you could finish the whole birthday cake by yourself, so we let you. After that, you got so sick you were almost sent home. And on your 15th birthday, James and I pretended we forgot about it and you got so mad until we surprised you with your birthday party. I miss those times, Sirius, when things were so trivial they didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, when we didn't have to worry for our lives, when we didn't know death and pain and agony.
I know its no use reminiscing the past, but it's all we've got now. We need to hold on the past so we have strength for the future.
There's no turning back time - not without consequences, anyway - we can only look forward. Forward may be bleak and tough, but forward is the only way to go.
I'm sorry if this birthday greeting - if you could call it such - sounds so melancholic, I don't know how to do cheerful anymore, and I didn't want to be insincere.
Love,
Remus
Dear Sirius,
I know I said I could never get used to you not being here - it's true. It hasn't been easier, but it has been a little bit more acceptable. Somehow I feel guilty for that - for feeling a bit better about general things. I feel like I shouldn't, because you shouldn't be the only one suffering in there.
I know it's a bit ironic that I'm the one doing the complaining while you're the one being unjustly locked up - but circumstances decided we can't have it any other way.
I really, really hope you're doing okay inside.
Love,
Remus.
Dear Sirius,
I'm going into hiding - I may not write to you that often anymore, if you still can see this.
So don't worry.
Love,
Remus
A/N: Sit tight, because great things are coming up!
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