Letting you go
chapter 4
disclaimer: Nothing is mine :(
A/N: so, I'm starting to think Justin's flashbacks should just be referred to as Justin/Brian POV, so that there can be a little Brian perspective… But there will be flashbacks from other characters too, all in italics.
The first part is sort of gap filler for episode 117.
Brian was smoking on Debbie's backyard. Justin could see his tense back. His head was held up high. He looked so powerful, like a hero or a god. Justin knew it was bullshit. He was just another guy. Still, sometimes he did think of Brian as something of a god. He made him feel so safe. And he also had the power to turn his whole world to ashes.
Justin didn't speak. He knew Brian would eventually talk by himself, he always did. He could see something was bothering him, something other than how bored he was at family meetings. Maybe he just wanted to avoid Deb and Michael's emotional make-up. Like they could ever stay mad at each other anyway. Debbie would die without her little boy.
"So it all worked out happily ever after."
The ever present sarcastic tone. There should be a name for it.
"Thanks to the senator." Justin quickly replied. He moved a little closer. He always had to be so careful around Brian. It would have been annoying if he wasn't onto him. He just had to play his cards right.
Brian laughed to himself. When will the boy learn? "Yeah, don't kid yourself. "
Justin looked up. He couldn't understand what Brian was talking about.
"That woman is using you. For money or for votes. She'll move on to her next cause. Her next fundraiser." He'd seen it happen a million times. Politician is just another word for lying cheating bastard. Justin had no idea what he was getting himself into. He was so happy about "resisting" to the homophobic faculty, that he hadn't realized he was making more and more enemies in that school. In his life. You're not supposed to have that many enemies when you are 17.
Brian didn't want to think about the other things Justin shouldn't be doing at 17. With him, at least.
"And then when will you be?"
"She said it was a small victory." Justin tried. He really thought he could trust her.
"Well don't think you've won. That it's over." He turned to face the kid, cause he needed for him to hear that. "Cause the minute you do that, you're dead."
Maybe it was the crushed look on the blonde's eyes. Or maybe Brian wanted to show him that no, you are not a complete idiot. You are not a kid. And even though you are not supposed to be smoking or drinking or fucking, it doesn't suck that much, cause you are doing those things with me.
Or maybe he just wanted to kiss him.
So he put the cigarette between his teeth, the lit side inside his mouth and leaned in so Justin could take a hit.
Justin closed his lips around the cigarette eagerly, if only to brush his lips against Brian's. He'd take everything. Anything Brian would give him. He could feel the smoke burning in his throat and in his lungs, warming him.
Brian was slinging an arm around his shoulder and Justin knew he had to say it.
"Not as long as I've got you to protect me."
He sort of meant for it to sound like a joke. Like a cheesy line from a 60's movie. But it was the truth. He felt Brian tense up slightly, but he just leaned in closer to his warm embrace. Brian would protect him. Even though he'd never admit he cared. Because that was just the kind of person he was. He wouldn't have fallen for him otherwise.
Brian hated the fact that Justin was counting up on him so much. Everyone knew he was an asshole. He only cared for himself.
He just hoped Justin would be careful.
Justin looked at Gus once more. He had really made a fool of himself to the boy the other day. Well, who could've blamed him? Gus looked a lot like his father. Justin could see Lindsay in there somewhere too, and also something else, that was completely Gus.
"How old are you anyway?" said Gus out of the blue, like he was annoyed at something.
Justin blinked. "I was 17 when you were born, so… do the math."
Gus nodded. He hadn't taken his eyes off the ground. "You don't look it. I thought you were 26-30 tops the other day." he said on the same irritated tone.
"Um…thanks. I hear that a lot." Justin looked up at the sky again.
"How come you're here? I thought you were glued to the statue of Liberty or something."
Justin didn't comment on the young man's words. He looked at him once again and found Gus was finally looking back. He hesitated a little. Why was he here?
"I'm not sure… I had missed everyone and… I was miserable in New York. I think that's mostly it." Justin said.
Gus nodded, as if he understood perfectly. He continued looking at Justin and Justin could not help notice the similarities he and his father had. Gus was so much like Brian, yet he looked so different from him right now. Instead of finding that annoying, Justin thought it was refreshing.
"Did you think I was my dad yesterday?" asked Gus, turning his gaze the other way for a second, but then returning his questioning eyes to Justin again, determined to get an answer.
Justin felt a bit embarrassed. Gus must think he's some crazy person, who walks around annoying people and seeing the dead. (Well, he was, wasn't he?)
"You figured, huh?" he said sheepishly. "You look a lot like him."
Gus nodded "Yeah, I hear that a lot." He smiled, imitating Justin's voice and stance when he had said the exact same thing.
Justin was starting to feel a bit warmer now. They were not having the most pleasant of conversations of course, but at least it seemed honest. He realized that, though he loved seeing his friends again, the meeting was so exhausting, if only because they knew so much about each other's emotional baggage and history. Gus was sort of tabula rasa for him. Yet he could feel a heart-warming familiarity.
Justin was finding it hard to match the toddler he held so much in his arms, Gus with the bright eyes and the big smile, with this confident young man. The connection was just impossible. He had cared a lot about Gus in the past, and had been heart-broken when he and his moms and sister left for Canada. After Brian's death, he rarely ever thought of him though. He rarely ever thought of anything really. He did picture him sometimes, thinking of visiting him, trying to guess what he'd look like, what music he'd be listening to, if he thought of his dad…
Now, a 19 year old Gus was standing in front of him, smoking with him. The little shit shouldn't be smoking at all. And when he got past the shock of how old he felt suddenly, he could really think of Gus as someone interesting. His eyes were so much like Brian's. His whole posture indicated he was his father's son. Something about him was completely different though.
But looking at Gus's expression right now, and the fact that he was making fun of him five minutes into a conversation, he recognized a true Kinney trait, no one else could copy.
Justin had a feeling he was in for one hell of a ride.
They smoked in silence, until Gus threw the cigarette butt on the ground and stepped on it. He took one last long look at Justin and nodded, ad if saying he was ok after all.
"I'm gonna go inside. You coming?"
Justin put his own smoke out. "Sure."
They got inside, back to Debbie's crowded living room, which was filled with laughter and loud discussions.
Only Justin, Gus, Charlie and the girls remained now at Debbie's. It was past midnight after all, but they didn't seem to notice. Charlie was narrating very animated stories of his and Gus's adventures in college, moving his hands around and making funny noises, causing everyone to laugh. Debbie was trying to slip unnoticed and do some chore or other, but she always got caught, and the one "revealing" her, ended up doing it for her. She was always trying to take care of everything and every one, some sort of Italian DNA mixed with years of working at the diner, urging her on. Everyone was constantly in the way though, for her own good. Debbie might be enthusiastic and colorful, but her health was getting worse lately. Since Carl had passed away a couple of years ago, she had been driving herself to exhaustion, always keeping herself preoccupied. The problem was, there weren't that many people to keep herself preoccupied with. Michael and Ben had moved to the suburbs, Justin was in N.Y. Linds and Mel were in Canada with the kids, Brian...
She shouldn't be getting sad now. Brian was in a better place, for all she knew. We shouldn't trouble ourselves too much about that stuff. They are God's business and we should just leave it and experience the now.
So, no one could keep up with her tonight. She was beyond excited for having all of them home for Christmas. She was on full mother-hen mode.
She couldn't stop staring at Justin. He was one of her favorite "babies" and she'd missed him terribly. The little shit had pulled a disappearing number on them. Of course, she didn't just lie down and take it. After it had been 6 months, she had gone to New York herself. Michael was really pissed at her, whining and everything, but got past it eventually.
Everyone else was too scared to go.
Debbie had finally found Justin's apartment. She had never been there before. Justin had been living in New York for 4 years already, but he never stayed away from the Pitts for more than 5 months. She remembered Ted telling Brian that Justin could have opened his own gallery with all the money the two of them spent on plane tickets. Brian's answer had not been pleasant.
She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. No answer came, so she knocked again. She put her ear on the door and heard noise from inside and whispers.
When the door opened, she felt like all air had left her lungs. The Justin standing in front of her was a shadow of his former self. He had lost a lot of weight, his hair was tussled, his eyes puffy and he was definitely high on something. He was wearing only his pants, as it was a hot day, and Deb could see his left arm and his chest had a huge bruise each.
He looked at her for a while, eyes off focus, then blinked twice slowly and stepped aside to let her in.
The place was certainly small, but could've been cute once. The windows were enormous, comparing to its size, and the light coming from them was blinding.
Other than that, Debbie thought the place was a dump. It was clear nothing resembling a broom had touched the floor in months. Empty bottles and cigarette butts were everywhere. Clothes were on the floor, used plates on every available surface, and dozens of crumbled sheets of paper were lying around. Debbie picked one up. It was a schetch, but she couldn't really make out what it was of. She could see canvases on the far end, facing the wall. They had been there for a long time, as was evident by the dust on them.
As she was trying to figure out what the hell she was going to say, the bedroom door opened and out came a brunet man, who was pulling his shirt over his head. He turned to Justin, who was staring out the window.
"Who is she?"
When Justin didn't answer, but continued staring off in space, he said to Debbie: "Look, lady, I'm sure you where hot like… 50 years ago, but I'm not into necrophilia. So there's no way we are having a threesome."
Debbie wanted to punch his face in, but held back. She was there for Justin, not for some asshole who couldn't keep his mouth shut.
"Cut it out Dave." Justin glared at the guy.
The guy looked Debbie over once more and then moved closer to Justin's side. He sure had a nice body, and his facial characteristics were nice too, but his eyes were cruel. She didn't like the way he loomed over Justin, grabbing his shoulder. He whispered something in Sunshine's ear, still looking at Debbie. Her eyes fell on the hand on Justin's shoulder and back to the huge bruise on his other arm. Was he the one who had put it there? She felt sick to her stomach.
The guy kissed Justin's cheek, and left without a word at Debbie.
Justin continued staring out the window for what seemed like ages. He finally turned to her, yawned, and stretched his hands over his head. Debbie could see his ribs sticking out with the movement, and the bruise on his chest seemed even bigger to her. She stared hatefully at the bruise for a second, wishing it would just go away. Justin passed by her, moved to an armchair and sat on the arm that wasn't occupied by clothed. Debbie looked around for a place to sit, but couldn't find anything, so she remained standing in front of him.
Justin lighted a cigarette. He didn't find an ashtray, so he just let the dust fall on the floor.
"I thought you had quit that years ago." she finally said.
"You know what they say" his voice was hoarse. "Old habits die hard. So, what do you want? You're here to save me?" he snickered ironically. Debbie didn't like it one bit.
"If that's what you need. Who was that guy?" she asked.
Justin looked away. "Noone." He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. "Mourning management." he snickered again.
The bruise on his chest was staring back at her. It was a few days old. She could see there were a few smaller ones around it too.
"I see he's doing a great job. He did this to you?" she asked calmly.
Justin kept on staring at her. He puffed smoke out slowly and said "It's not your fucking business Deb."
Debbie felt her blood boiling. "Of course it's my business. It's my business when you let yourself be used like that.
Justin scoffed. "No one is using me."
Deb moved closer to him. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. It was still morning.
"After what happened with Chris Hobbs, after all the things you went through, how can you let some asshole hit you?"
Justin got up, fists clenched on his sides. "You have no idea what you are talking about." The fire in his eyes died as quickly as it had appeared. Debbie wished it was still there, even if it meant Justin was angry. "Dave and I like to play around, that's all." he added, calmer now. His eyes were looking the other way.
"Dave and I?" she mimicked. "Are you a couple?"
Justin looked at her like she was crazy. "No. Of course not."
He turned the other way suddenly and walked to the small kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge-which was close to being empty, Debbie noticed- and started drinking from it.
"When are you coming home?" she asked.
"Home? Pittsburg is not my home anymore." He said it like it was the most logical thing to say.
Debbie had had enough. She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "Sunshine, you need to snap out of it! God, you are living in this…this…" her eyes scanned the room "this dump, you are with that moron who doesn't deserve a thing, you're not talking to anyone…"
"I talk to people" he murmured.
"People are not us! Your family! We are your family." Justin looked the other way, but she was having none of that. "Look at me! We all miss Brian" he visibly flinched at the sound of the name, and turned his eyes the other way again. Debbie sighed.
"Sunshine." He turned his head slowly her way, like it was physically painful. He was still a little of focus, but she knew he was listening to her now.
"I don't know what to do, Deb" he said. All confidence and irony had deserted him. He seemed drained, lost, small, as she had her hands on his shoulders.
"Me neither. We'll figure this out ok?" she kissed him on the cheek. It was the same cheek that guy, Dave had kissed, and just thinking about the bastard made Debbie even more determined. "We have to."
She had stayed with Justin for over a month. They were doing baby steps each day, but she could see Justin getting back to being himself, or whatever part of him had remained. It was not a pleasant month, having to deal with Justin's amazing mood swings, but she was ready for each one… yelling back at him when he was shouting, holding him tight when he wanted her to go away, urging him on when he couldn't get out of bed, exhausted from crying the whole night long. She was the one that had told him about Dave's arrest, just 2 days after she had come to the city.
The last night she was in N.Y., Justin had grabbed a pencil and a sketchpad and did a sketch of her. He wasn't ok yet, she didn't know if he'd ever really be, but her coming to NY had been a wakeup call for him. He still refused to return to Pittsburg though.
She had kissed him and held him tight before boarding the plane. He waved at her just before she got inside, and Debbie crossed her heart and wished she had helped enough.
Debbie looked at Sunshine now and could still see the crumbled boy she had found in NY. Yet, he was somewhat better now. He was a man, self assured and well known of course, but she saw past all that. And what she saw was that he was coping like the rest of them. His laughter was sincere, as he was listening to Charlie's and Gus's college exploits.
"And then, she turns to me and goes: oh! So that's why Alphie didn't get a D!"
Everyone burst out laughing at that. Debbie had only heard the last part, but she laughed along anyway.
A/N I usually don't particularly like the whole abused!Justin thing, but I feel it is a good place to go, because it shows just how much his life has gotten out of control, now that Brian is not in it… any thoughts?
Inconspicuousbunny, thanks for the help on the speech marks. I really didnt know how to write those parts in the last chapter, and actually got a bit confused myself when rereading it. I'll keep it in mind next time.
oh and yeah, i know they are probably smoking weed in 117, since Brian doesnt roll cigarretes just buys the industrial ones, but I wasnt sure so...
Thank you for reading and/or reviewing. ;)